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Thread: Horrible scenario - needs urgent response

  1. #1
    yucatoa

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    Horrible scenario - needs urgent response

    Hi guys - have never visited this site before but I'm in a bit of a nightmare situation and could do with a bit of advice.

    So I'm 20, I'm just about to go into my third year of university - about 3 months ago, I started a relationship with a girl who I'd been really good friends with for about 6 months. We'd had a lot of fun together over the year and it seemed like the obvious next stage of a really good relationship. The only catch was she was about a month away from starting a year abroad in Australia, while I studied in the UK. While this might be an obvious red light for most people to begin a relationship, we were very in love (and a little naive, as it's the first serious relationship for both of us).

    Over the summer though, the relationship has been massively massively tested. I was exposed much more to her extremely insecure side, which has made it very taxing for me, and her, to continue this relationship. At first I assumed them to be natural teething problems of a new, long-distance relationship. But it seems she is not the person built for a long-distance relationship, or at least she is not secure enough for one right now. She is constantly obsessing over the idea that I may be getting with other people while she's away, and this has often come out in quite controlling fashion. She is often very sad and has struggled with this in the past, and while that should never be a reason to break up with someone, I am beginning to feel like she has become emotionally dependent on me - if I am not going all out to make her happy, then she is extremely sad, and takes it out on me.

    When the time came for her to leave for Aus, I suggested coming to visit around September time. My flight is actually tomorrow. However, I think in the last week or so I have come to the realisation that I cannot deal with the relationship in this state for another year. Part of me is ruing not ending the relationship a few weeks ago, where it really seemed like there was no way back. However, the whole time we told ourselves to keep it alive until I went to see her, when things would be better. But now the trip is a day away, and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to have a positive mindset, but all I can think of is finding the best way to break up with her, and I don't want to continue stringing her along, as I know that despite how angry she gets she is very attached to me.

    Our plan for the 10 days I am there is this - begin at her uni in Melbourne, and then after 3 days travel to Sydney, and then after 3 days go on a catamaran voyage to some islands on the coast.

    I am stuck in a dilemma - do I break up with her before we leave Melbourne, so she is still with friends, but then face a long while in Aus on my own and leave us both wondering what the trip might have been - or try my best to make the trip work, and break up at the end if things have gone badly? I personally am not considering not getting on the plane as an option, as I am willing to make the journey to do it face-to-face - I am fed up of talking from behind a screen.

    Any advice on how to play this in a way that hurts her the least and makes things the least difficult. I am not too worried about myself - I am a proactive person and will be able to travel Australia on my own to take my mind off it, but I know she will not deal with it in the same way.

    Many thanks for any help!

  2. #2
    DanZee
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    That's a tough question. I guess I'm leaning toward going on the vacation. Have a good time, and let the relationship die over the year. From what you've said, she's probably going to accuse you of cheating and neither of you should be expected not to date other people while you're separated. After all, you've only gone out for 3 months. If this had been a long-term relationship of years, I'd recommend something different. But really, this is just a summer romance and at least you'd have some nice memories and you might still be friends afterward. And maybe there's still a chance of you both getting back together when the year is over.

  3. #3
    Helpmesavethis
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    I'm on the fence... I wouldn't want you to take me on the vacation and (potentially) have a good time and then bam, dumping me.... Especially if you already know it's going to happen one way or the other.... I would rather you be upfront and honest with me. I may not like what you're saying but again, I'd appreciate the honesty rather than leading me on any longer than necessary. People develope feelings whether it's been 3 months or 3 years, it's going to hurt some. I think the sooner the better.. get it over with.. just my personal opinion.

  4. #4
    melancholy123
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    I lean on the side of taking the vacation and seeing how it goes. There's a possibility all will be fine and you will enjoy yourself and not feel a need to break up with her at any point when you are there. Or it may be awful and you cant wait to break up with her. You've paid for your ticket so you might as well go. Playing it by ear seems the best option, to me.

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  6. #5
    ThatwasThen
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    I agree... go on vacation and play it by ear. You'll know when the best time to tell her is. Chances are she'll get angry at you for nothing and then you can just end it then.

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  8. #6
    catfeeder
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    I would go on the vacation but with a 'Plan B' for a place to stay and stuff to do without her if she turns into a shrew.

  9. #7
    thorough
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    Quote Originally Posted by yucatoa [Register to see the link]
    Hi guys - have never visited this site before but I'm in a bit of a nightmare situation and could do with a bit of advice.

    So I'm 20, I'm just about to go into my third year of university - about 3 months ago, I started a relationship with a girl who I'd been really good friends with for about 6 months. We'd had a lot of fun together over the year and it seemed like the obvious next stage of a really good relationship. The only catch was she was about a month away from starting a year abroad in Australia, while I studied in the UK. While this might be an obvious red light for most people to begin a relationship, we were very in love (and a little naive, as it's the first serious relationship for both of us).

    Over the summer though, the relationship has been massively massively tested. I was exposed much more to her extremely insecure side, which has made it very taxing for me, and her, to continue this relationship. At first I assumed them to be natural teething problems of a new, long-distance relationship. But it seems she is not the person built for a long-distance relationship, or at least she is not secure enough for one right now. She is constantly obsessing over the idea that I may be getting with other people while she's away, and this has often come out in quite controlling fashion. She is often very sad and has struggled with this in the past, and while that should never be a reason to break up with someone, I am beginning to feel like she has become emotionally dependent on me - if I am not going all out to make her happy, then she is extremely sad, and takes it out on me.

    When the time came for her to leave for Aus, I suggested coming to visit around September time. My flight is actually tomorrow. However, I think in the last week or so I have come to the realisation that I cannot deal with the relationship in this state for another year. Part of me is ruing not ending the relationship a few weeks ago, where it really seemed like there was no way back. However, the whole time we told ourselves to keep it alive until I went to see her, when things would be better. But now the trip is a day away, and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to have a positive mindset, but all I can think of is finding the best way to break up with her, and I don't want to continue stringing her along, as I know that despite how angry she gets she is very attached to me.

    Our plan for the 10 days I am there is this - begin at her uni in Melbourne, and then after 3 days travel to Sydney, and then after 3 days go on a catamaran voyage to some islands on the coast.

    I am stuck in a dilemma - do I break up with her before we leave Melbourne, so she is still with friends, but then face a long while in Aus on my own and leave us both wondering what the trip might have been - or try my best to make the trip work, and break up at the end if things have gone badly? I personally am not considering not getting on the plane as an option, as I am willing to make the journey to do it face-to-face - I am fed up of talking from behind a screen.

    Any advice on how to play this in a way that hurts her the least and makes things the least difficult. I am not too worried about myself - I am a proactive person and will be able to travel Australia on my own to take my mind off it, but I know she will not deal with it in the same way.

    Many thanks for any help!
    LDR are hard, but she sounds like a total control freak. In those 3 months you never saw the real her, now that is coming out. She will never trust you, no matter what you do. I was w/a guy like that for a short period, though we weren't long distance. He didn't trust me, would get unhappy if I didn't answer texts and constantly wanted to be w/me. This is a good enough reason to break off the relationship.

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