How is 'Peace' finally achieved after a breakup?

It still hurts, 9 months later. The feelings I have for my ex haven't changed. I've taken advice and tried to focus on myself and make changes. In some respects, I have made progress. But not as much as I would've liked to.

I could be having a really good day and I'm feeling really positive about everything but in the back of my mind is my ex. I've become good at ignoring it but there are times (usually in bed at night) that I can't ignore it and even if I do ignore it, I end up dreaming about him anyway.

A part of me regrets not having closure. He did offer me closure but at that time, things between us were toxic and extremely awkward. I was angry at how he had been behaving and I didn't want to talk at that point. Yet now, I have all this stuff I wish we had discussed. Just so that we could part ways knowing how we truly felt. I don't know how he truly felt. And he doesn't know how I truly felt either. And I'm not sure if either of us will ever know now.

I find it very difficult to live with the fact that we went through a great deal (a serious near-death car accident is amongst that) yet now, we literally don't talk. Nothing. I have reached out a couple of times but he has been fairly distant. As if we were just a one night stand that he wants to forget. We were super close for 4 years, so I find it totally devastating.

I am still in love with my ex. At one point I thought I was making progress and thought that maybe I was no longer in love with my ex. That was until I found a piece of his clothing on top of my wardrobe and instead of cursing his name and tossing it in the trash, I embraced it for a few moments, folded it neatly and put it back on top of my wardrobe.

I hate to admit that.

Evidently it's still a long way for me to go, but I really DO want to move past this now. I know I'm asking the same damn things everyone is asking. Many of us are in the same club. Is there anyone who has come out the other side with some useful insight though??

I was in a relationship for 4 years (my first LTR) and when we broke up, I was pretty devastated. It took years for me to finally move on, but it did happen. Unfortunately, I'm experiencing a 2nd broken heart, but that's another story. It does get better if you allow yourself to live and grief properly. There's no time limit for it. You can wake up tomorrow and feel better already. For me it happened a few years after (I wasn't really aching by then, but I still thought she was "the one" and I would never find someone like her). Just do what you do, whatever works for you. There's no recipe or a universal magic formula. 9 months isn't that long to heal after 4 years, trust me.

Keep on the current path, you'll come out a better person and a better lover towards the next lucky guy that finds you.

You can give yourself permission to admit that it's over and that closure on both sides isnt needed and isnt going to happen. Learning to accept what is, is very important. Wishing you could change things isnt going to happen. It is what it is. Letting go is important.

If you cant do this by yourself them some therapy can help you to talk it out with a professional and learn ways to release the thoughts you have that are holding you back.

I found it helpful to tell myself that it's okay that I don't have clearer vision about my future now, because when I reach higher ground I'll have grown into a better perspective. I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this, and I rewarded myself each day that I made baby steps toward reaching higher ground.

Healing doesn't come with any fanfare or giant epiphanies, so 'closure' is overrated and few people ever get it until they grasp that they need to make it for themselves. Healing comes in small doses until our good days outweigh our bad days, and we give ourselves a break for the bad days and nurture ourselves.

I also found it helpful to focus on creating great memories for family and friends during the times when I'm not able to enjoy much myself. This lifted me out of any rumination and self centeredness that would only drill a deeper hole for me to climb out of. I allowed others to become my priority as I spent as much time with them as possible, and I made that time about them, not me. I didn't need to feel 'on' or up for my commitments--I just showed up and let others drive the agenda. I helped with chores and projects and errands, and this inspired me to come up with projects and interests of my own during a time when my creative well was dry. This time turned out to be a gift I gave myself because it strengthened my bonds with loved ones and made me feels valued and useful. That became my platform for reaching higher ground, and it flooded me with gratitude for those I'd taken for granted while I was in my relationship.

Head high, it gets better. Write more if it helps.