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Thread: Gray Area of Dating Problems, what would you do if you were me?

  1. #1

    Gray Area of Dating Problems, what would you do if you were me?

    Kind of a long story.. but basically when I was a senior in college I was getting over my ex-boyfriend and started dating someone who I have ALWAYS had a crush and deep connection with. The timing was weird, and I was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend so we were intimate for about a month and a half. I always had the sense that he was very slow to commit to relationships, and I never asked him where we stood or asked him to define the relationship. I mistakenly assume we were exclusive. He finally asked me out when he was VERY drunk because I had told him my friends said he told them he was gonna ask me. It wasn't the ideal way to be asked out, because it felt forced. 2 months later, my ex boyfriend was purposely trying to run into me, and I felt like I needed to have closure. So I saw him at a bar, and definitely crossed a line (having dated the new guy for 2 months) and we had a heart to heart, I was crying, and he kissed me. I would have totally done more than kiss, but thankfully he stopped me. I told my current boyfriend what happened, and he easily forgave me.

    Well, 1 year later I come to find out that my new boyfriend had slept with his best friend from highschool, who he brought me around MANY times, while he was hanging out with me. He said he was blackout drunk, doesn't even remember it. The sucky thing is it was literally 3 days after he had drunkenly asked me to be his girlfriend in the beginning. He was also single for 6 years, has never really had a serious relationship. I was extremely thrown off guard because I NEVER felt like I could not trust him. We have been so open and honest about our pasts, who weve been with, and I have never been jealous. I feel very betrayed because if he would have told me when it happened I wouldn't of felt so heartbroken. Honesty is a big deal to me. He says that he had no idea I was gonna be the one he wanted to marry back then, and we were so casual he wasn't really sure. I definitely feel like I got attached to him way too soon before we were even dating.

    Looking back, I know that I made a lot of mistakes. We went the total wrong way about going into a relationship. I forced him into committment when he wasn't ready, and I wasn't over my ex boyfriend. What would you do if you were me? I am still in the stage of feeling hurt and getting through forgiveness. Do you consider this cheating?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    You both cheated, and should probably break up. He does not seem like relationship material right now for multiple reasons, and you need to seriously examine whether you are too before committing to someone else.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    If it was both early days and you weren't exclusive, IMO you both did the same thing and it's not a big deal.

  4. #4
    Also, the night I talked and kissed me ex-boyfriend made me realize how much I did like the new boyfriend and was closure. My boyfriend says that after what he did, it made him realize how much he liked me and wanted to commit to me. As ty as it is, we both did the same thing to each other....


  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    That was a messed up way of being together. You were on a rebound and looking to sooth your broken heart and he was thinking you two were just a casual thing.

    The worst part with all this openness you claim to have with each other neither of you brought up being exclusive or boundaries.

    In his mind it wasn't cheating since it was casual and technically he is right but to you it was so much deeper so it feels like cheating even if the label doesn't fit properly.

    In your mind you created a relationship that simply did not exist until much later.

    Since you thought you were in a deeper relationship than he did and met and made out with your ex it appears that you are more guilty than he is. What would have happened if your ex hadn't stopped? Would you have had sex with him even though you thought you were in a real relationship? Seems like you would have.

    Is there a chance for a Do Over? I don't know but it is worth talking about with your bf. Tell him how all this has made you feel and how the ambiguity of the relationship when it started really messed things up and you would like to have a fresh start.

    PS Being blacked out drunk is an excuse not a reason to have sex with someone else. He still did it no matte how much he had to drink.


  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    At face value, I'd agree with lostandhurt in that it sounds like you guys laid a pretty crap foundation for a relationship. But, a year later, if things are fine and healthy, there's a chance luck may have prevailed (for now, at least). I don't know. You know your threshold better than any of us. Couldn't see myself caring, but it's fine if you do. Just take a moment to honestly reflect on whether you'd resent him or distrust him for it, regardless of whether you should or shouldn't.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    From the way you describe the beginning of your relationship, it was all a bit shaky on both sides. Frankly, I'd draw a veil over all that.

    Within my experience, it takes around three months to find out whether you've actually got a relationship or not, and what would be totally unforgivable if it happened now perhaps was just a part of letting go of your previous relationship on your part, and assuming you were casually dating on his.

    What you need to focus on now is the way things are in the present, not on what happened a year ago before you'd discussed exclusivity or anything else about the relationship. If you were exclusive, you shouldn't have been kissing your ex. If you were exclusive, he shouldn't have been sleeping with someone else... so it just sounds as though it took a little while before both of you settled into the relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

    He'd been single for six years, sure. But he's been with you for the past year. This is all you need to know:
    He says that he had no idea I was gonna be the one he wanted to marry back then, and we were so casual he wasn't really sure.
    If you really can't get past this, then you've no choice but to end the relationship. However, if things are good between you, you've still got your crush and deep connection with him, he looks upon you as "the one" and you feel the same way... look towards the future and leave the past right where it belongs - in the past.

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Draw a line under it and move on. It was very early days in your relationship and you had yet to commit to it.

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