Can we make this work?

My ex and I were together for 7 years. We have a kid together. During the course of our relationship, he cheated, lied, I think he may have gotten someone else pregnant near the end of our relationship, but she miscarried. He nearly started a new life with another woman. During one of the times we separated in our breakup and he made clear that we were not together and he did not want to be with me, I started seeing someone else and we ended up having sex. My ex found out, broke his heart, but he wanted to make it work. So we agreed to work on it. But of course after that we just went downhill, ended the 7 year relationship, he moved on immediately which he was probably involved with the new woman while we were still together. 2 years later,recently we decided to try again. I feel like he's grown a lot, as he does about me. But he continues to bring up the past saying I betrayed him and that after his grandma passed I should've been there for him and that he has nobody anymore. It bothers me because still with everything he's done to me, I forgave, still here trying to help ignite his passions, build with him etc etc. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes of the past but he hasn't, seems like he blames me more than anything. He says he never meant to hurt me even though he did multiple times. My question is, what do I do? Do i wait for him to get over it? Or am I wasting time? I am doing everything necessary to gain his trust back, but I don't think he's working hard to gain mine back. I asked him does he want to make this work, he just keeps saying "know your place" no "yes or no" answer.

It seems he didn't change all that much and hasn't really forgiven himself for the crap he pulled in the relationship or, more importantly, you.

It seems you'd be better off without him in your life :s

It seems he didn't change all that much and hasn't really forgiven himself for the crap he pulled in the relationship or, more importantly, you.

 

It seems you'd be better off without him in your life :s

So you're saying he hasn't forgiven me?

Forgive you what exactly? The fact that you were broken up and pursued someone else while in his deluded mind he figured you'd just sit around as his back up plan?

Please find your self respect and your sanity and boot this loser out of your life for good. He cheated on you, dumped you, ran off with other women. He is showing you that he is still the exact same selfish, self centered, uncaring a hole who will blame you and gaslight you. Get rid of him.

Forgive you what exactly? The fact that you were broken up and pursued someone else while in his deluded mind he figured you'd just sit around as his back up plan?

 

Please find your self respect and your sanity and boot this loser out of your life for good. He cheated on you, dumped you, ran off with other women. He is showing you that he is still the exact same selfish, self centered, uncaring a hole who will blame you and gaslight you. Get rid of him.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to move on. I figure my daughter should have both her parents but obviously that's not enough.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to move on. I figure my daughter should have both her parents but obviously that's not enough.

Your daughter is THE reason you should be booting him out of your life. You do not want your little girl growing up thinking that it's OK for a man to run around like a horny dog and that the woman should just sit home and turn the other cheek. You have to set a better example - show strength, teach her that when a man mistreats you, you leave him.

That doesn't mean that she can't have a relationship with her dad, just that she will need to take him with a grain of salt. Please understand that in the end, that's healthier for her and her future relationships than what is happening now.

Your daughter is THE reason you should be booting him out of your life. You do not want your little girl growing up thinking that it's OK for a man to run around like a horny dog and that the woman should just sit home and turn the other cheek. You have to set a better example - show strength, teach her that when a man mistreats you, you leave him.

 

That doesn't mean that she can't have a relationship with her dad, just that she will need to take him with a grain of salt. Please understand that in the end, that's healthier for her and her future relationships than what is happening now.

Thank you so much.... pray for my strength and my healing.

When 2 people break up there's bound to be a lot of resentment going around from past deeds. When I said he didn't forgive you, it doesn't mean you did everything wrong, it's just that he can't let go of the past and is always using that as a weapon against you.

It's common knowledge that when 2 exes get back together after some time, they shouldn't treat it as a continuation of the previous relationship, but rather a new, exciting one.

If he keeps bringing things from the past that means he hasn't forgiven you or himself and is holding on to it. That also means he isn't ready for a rekindle. He's probably just looking for some comfort in you.

When 2 people break up there's bound to be a lot of resentment going around from past deeds. When I said he didn't forgive you, it doesn't mean you did everything wrong, it's just that he can't let go of the past and is always using that as a weapon against you.

 

It's common knowledge that when 2 exes get back together after some time, they shouldn't treat it as a continuation of the previous relationship, but rather a new, exciting one.

 

If he keeps bringing things from the past that means he hasn't forgiven you or himself and is holding on to it. That also means he isn't ready for a rekindle. He's probably just looking for some comfort in you.

Comfort in me meaning what?

He only brings up the past, and holds it against you, and makes you feel like sh*t, so it can be his license (excuse) just in case he chooses to cheat again. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't ever put up with someone like that. All that blame and anger is really his way of deflecting; because he did all those things. Sorry, lady, but stop being a doormat. Think of this way, if your daughter was being treated like the way this guy treats you, I hope you would tell her to toss that guy.

He is redirecting all his insecurities at you, that is why he is blaming you. He is just doing that to justify why he is so terrible. People typically think they are inherently good. The only way for him to justify his actions is by lying to himself.

He needs you to have done terrible things because otherwise he couldn't justify his actions. He is just a selfish person who is emotionally manipulating you.

I can honestly say, unless you have omitted some pretty big details, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about. He just sounds like a sulky child who does what he wants, and the second you don't do what he wants, he blames the entirety of the situation of you because he can't face the truth.

As far as your daughter goes... If you stay with him after he behaves this way, you are essentially showing her that is the proper way to be treated in a relationship. Actions are louder than words, and no amount of trying to explain why you are doing what you are doing will negate that fact that you stayed with him.

If you stay in a relationship with him then your daughter is a lot more likely to have the same relationship dynamic you do. Do you really want your daughter to find and have kids with a guy like her dad?

He only brings up the past, and holds it against you, and makes you feel like sh*t, so it can be his license (excuse) just in case he chooses to cheat again. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't ever put up with someone like that. All that blame and anger is really his way of deflecting; because he did all those things. Sorry, lady, but stop being a doormat. Think of this way, if your daughter was being treated like the way this guy treats you, I hope you would tell her to toss that guy.

Makes perfect sense, thank you!

He is redirecting all his insecurities at you, that is why he is blaming you. He is just doing that to justify why he is so terrible. People typically think they are inherently good. The only way for him to justify his actions is by lying to himself.

 

He needs you to have done terrible things because otherwise he couldn't justify his actions. He is just a selfish person who is emotionally manipulating you.

 

I can honestly say, unless you have omitted some pretty big details, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about. He just sounds like a sulky child who does what he wants, and the second you don't do what he wants, he blames the entirety of the situation of you because he can't face the truth.

 

As far as your daughter goes... If you stay with him after he behaves this way, you are essentially showing her that is the proper way to be treated in a relationship. Actions are louder than words, and no amount of trying to explain why you are doing what you are doing will negate that fact that you stayed with him.

 

If you stay in a relationship with him then your daughter is a lot more likely to have the same relationship dynamic you do. Do you really want your daughter to find and have kids with a guy like her dad?

No, I do not want her to have the same dynamic as I.

And the only things I've done wrong in this relationship was pursuing someone else (in his opinion). We've argued times before over things like social media etc. I never cheated on him, ever. If I wore tight pants he'd get upset, if I wanted to hang out with friends at a place other guys would be, then he'd get upset. Most of the issues he had with me was mostly exaggerated, as they are today. Once in high school 7 years ago at a hotel party his family hosted I wore booty shorts to the pool, now he thinks I had sex with his brother which I don't think he truly believes that. I'm trying to think of anything that he brings up but this is all of the issues he's had with me, and sometimes when we'd have problems I'd discuss them with my bestfriend and he'd get upset. Other than that, I've been a good woman to him.

No, I do not want her to have the same dynamic as I.

And the only things I've done wrong in this relationship was pursuing someone else (in his opinion). We've argued times before over things like social media etc. I never cheated on him, ever. If I wore tight pants he'd get upset, if I wanted to hang out with friends at a place other guys would be, then he'd get upset. Most of the issues he had with me was mostly exaggerated, as they are today. Once in high school 7 years ago at a hotel party his family hosted I wore booty shorts to the pool, now he thinks I had sex with his brother which I don't think he truly believes that. I'm trying to think of anything that he brings up but this is all of the issues he's had with me, and sometimes when we'd have problems I'd discuss them with my bestfriend and he'd get upset. Other than that, I've been a good woman to him.

Well I did agree that it sounds like you haven't done anything wrong. Except of course staying in a relationship with a man like that. Not being able to recognize a lost cause in a relationship in and of itself is a flaw.

Well I did agree that it sounds like you haven't done anything wrong. Except of course staying in a relationship with a man like that. Not being able to recognize a lost cause in a relationship in and of itself is a flaw.

I agree. Thank you

I agree. Thank you

But no matter how great an effort you make, or how much of yourself you invest in a relationship, it is all wasted if the person doesn't reciprocate it.