BF's Best Friend (female) Not Respecting Our Relationship

I met my boyfriend 7 months ago and we really hit it off fast. After about a month of dating, we made things official. By three months in we were already talking about spending our future together, eventually wanting to move in together and get a dog, etc. To some it might seem like things happened fast, but everything was goung great and we were both really happy.

Now here comes the dreaded "but..." part of my story. My boyfriend has a female best friend who lives in another country. They met online several years back, and met in person for the first time at the beginning of this year when he flew down to spend a few weeks with her. The first visit was prior to the start of our relationship, the second occured when she experienced a death in the family and again he flew down to spend a few weeks with her. His justification being that I was out if the country at the time.

I want to make it clear that I have no issues with opposite sex friends, he has several other close female friends that I've had no issues with whether I've met them in person or not. This "friend" on the other hand, goodness where do I begin? For starters, my bf was never upfront with me about his relationship with this girl. He didn't mention her to me until probably about a month into our relationship, and before I'd even said anything he jumped to the defensive "but she's like a sister to me" spiel. I already knew of her, as I wondered who this girl was that was liking/favouriting/commenting on practically all of his social media posts and making over the top instagram and other social media appreciation posts.

If I had known about the extent of the relationship earlier on, I would have expressed how uncomfortable it makes me and pointed out the level of innapropriateness in some instances much sooner. This past summer I spent several weeks in Europe doing a univeristy course, my bf and I had previously not spent longer than a week apart so I was anxious about what the distance could do to a still relatively young relationship. A week into my 3.5 week course I recieve a FB message from my bf that he is flying down to spend two weeks with the girl as she is going through a death in the family. I felt very uncomfortable at the thought of being halfway around the world while my bf spent two weeks staying alone at this friend's house while her emotions are likely running high. However I pushed my worries aside and decided to trust him.

The next two weeks were anxiety ridden, as I had to see countless sappy instagram posts/tweets/etc. about him coming down to see her again and all this stuff. What made me finally lose it over this visit was the night before he was scheduled to leave/the day he was leaving she was posting all this boo hoo on social media about how she needed to come up with a plan to keep him from flying home and not wanting him to leave and how everything sucked now that he had left to go home, etc. I was still halfway around the world whilst having to read this stuff, and boy was that ever fun!

Upon coming home, I believe I waited about two weeks before I finally snapped one night and spilled the beans about how uncomfortable this friendship makes me. We'd been seriously dating for five months at this point. I told my bf that I couldnt take the constant posting, the pet names, the daily "love you bestie/fave" texts and posts anymore. I told him that this relationship is disrespectful to me as a girlfriend and that he needs to set boundaries with her in order for our relationship to work out.

At first he was overly defensive and did not understand how numerous things were way over the top and not appropriate. We argued frequently about this for over a month as he kept making excuses and wouldnt take the iniative to speak to her about her behavior and how she needs to tone it down. I confronted him about romantic feelings (as her flirtatious behaviour and intimate posting strongly indicates such). His response was that the first time he flew down to meet her, she asked him about what was going on between them and he told her that he didnt see her that way. He admitted that their was a time where he thought he had feelings for her, however he realized it was more the idea of her and the attention she gives him.

The first time he talked to her, he completely threw me under the bus and told her that I feel uncomfortable with the way she posts about him. He then suggested that she block me from seeing her posts on social media (I found this out going through his phone one night. I'd never done this before but I heavily suspected he was hiding things and being dishonest). When I found this out I was devastated, my trust in him was shattered because from that I saw that he still didnt understand the problem and that he valued her feelings more than mine. Her response from this was to promptly delete me on FB and unfollow me on instagram (not a normal reaction from a true friend IMO). Recently he tried to talk to her again about her strong emotional dependency upon him, and her reaction was very manipulative. She played the victim (as I suspect she frequently does) and made him feel guilty about the whole thing.

On what would have been our six month anniversary, we decided to take an indefinate break as I couldn't deal with him not taking the iniative to set boundaries anymore and he had some personal issues outside our relationship he felt he needed to attend to. He feels that once he sorts himself out he would like to resume the relationship. Part of me really wants this as well as besides this drama we are very compatible, however I am cautious due to my trust being broken and the amount of disrepect I have incurred from her not backing off and him due to him not setting boundaries.

I have never met or spoken to this friend in person, as she lives quite far away and my bf has never overly taken the iniative to aquiant the two of us. Based on her online behaviour towards me, I have strong reason to suspect her dislike for me. I find it interesting that she likes/favourites nearly everything he posts, except the few personal posts he made about our relationship. I have never exhibited rude or hostile behaviour towards her. I have never told my bf that he needs to cut her out of his life, because I believe that is manipulative and controlling. To me a true friend would have backed off from the start, expressed support in the relationship, and tried to get to know me. She has done none of these things. To be fair I haven't necessarily tried to get to know her either, mostly because I feel uncomfortable interacting with someone who hasnt been respectful to me and clearly has feelings for my bf.

I have considered bringing to his attention that I think she is an emotionally manipulative person and not a true friend, but I feel like I'll be brushed off as jealous and crazy, etc. Although technically we're on break, my bf continues to act basically identically to the way we did when we considered ourselves fully together. It's hard on me, because I do love him but after going on 7 months I no longer have the patience for his relationship with her.

My friends and family have expressed concern over the amount of time he spends messaging this person/him dropping everything to fly down to be with her at a moment's notice, etc. They fear that I am settling for someone who is engaging in an emotional affair but refusing to scale back and let it go. I fear that if things keep going like this I will get my hopes up again, only to be left even more devasted and hurt. I will not settle for someone who does not put me first above everyone else. That is not to say I need to be put on a pedestal, but that I want to have a partner who has my back and know 110% that we are a team.

I am seeking advice on what to do, as well as reassurance that I am not crazy and his relationship with her (as well as her behaviour towards him) is innapropriate. Knowing she for sure had feelings for him as recent as a litrle over a month before we met and began to date has me concinced that those feelings remain til this day. Also being a woman myself I know that even though he rejected her romantically, one cant just simply shut off romantic feelings because of that.

She is not the problem, your bf is. He could have shut this down, if HE had wanted to.

His attention seeking takes precedence over you. The fact that he told her to block you, shows that he does not respect, or value your relationship.

He has shown you who he. He is having an emotional affair. Be done with him.

Wow. There is so much wrong here, I don't know where to begin.

Yes, she has romantic feelings for him. Yes, she's emotionally manipulative. No, he's not settling any sorts of boundaries, and so he's not only allowing it, he's encouraging it.

Please do not blame yourself. This is not about your being insecure, or jealous, or whatever other fun words we can use. This is about an insensitive guy who loves the female attention.

Three's a crowd.

Unless and until he enforces real boundaries with this girl, and is honest about their history (I suspect there was more than just a friendship, from both him and her), I would not re-enter a relationship with him.

He has displayed some very questionable judgment. He can't be so clueless as to imagine his girlfriend would be fine hearing that he's flying off to see some other girl for two weeks, conveniently while you were on the other side of the world. No. Just no. That would have required some planning and discussion between them, and obviously you weren't really clued in to how closely they were communicating. And I don't like the sounds of him essentially making you out to be the bad guy when he told her they needed to scale it back.

She's got a crush on him, but he has a crush on her, too.

he valued her feelings more than mine.

That's all you need to know.

Dump him, and walk. He won't change and he is the one with issues. He will never be a decent or fair partner.

When I first raised the term "emotional affair" he became uber defensive. Well really when I first raised concern over their relationship in general he became uber defensive. Everyone from my childhood best friend to my hairdresser has said the same concerning his lack of respect towards me when he moved to plot behind my back with her.

Of course he's going to get defensive, he knows he's in the wrong. He's a total jerk who is enjoying playing two women against one another.

He has been cheating on you from the start.

You have all of the info you need. Find someone you can trust, because this guy is not it.

Thank you all for your advice, I truly appreciate it. And I fully get that the real problem is how he's enabled this wrong behaviour to go on for so long, because she can do whatever but it's how he handles it that really counts. I've felt very in the dark about how much and frequently they communicate, and when I finally did read through their conversations I basically had a panic attack and left his house in the middle of the night as I did not realize how much was coming from his end (ex. constant messages of "love you bestie/fave/etc.). That hurt terribly as one of his special lines has always been "you're favourite person", ans now that I know the truth it will never mean what it once did.

I should also mention that I have had other serious relationships, one that lasted over two years, whereas I was/am his longest relationship. Three other women have made comments about this girl to him, two of which he dated before he'd ever even met the friend in person. Ultimately all those relationships ended in part because those women wanted nothing to do with this drama, I didnt find all this out until about five months in when I initially raised concerns and even then it took awhile for the story to come out. When he told me he was flying down for her mother's funeral he was again defensive before I had even said anything (being all "I'm going down to see her because she's like family and really needs me right now but I'll be back in time to greet you at the airport"). I'm sorry but someone from another country whom you met online a few years back and had previously met once before and stayed with for two weeks is not the same as flesh and blood. A childhood best friend who moved away? Sure! But not this

My guess is that if they were in the same vicinity, she'd be his girlfriend. Because she's too far away, he dates locally. But his true interest is with her.

Don't go back into this mess, OP. There are plenty of guys who would not have an ongoing emotional affair and risk losing you. Ask yourself what it says about your boyfriend's true commitment to you that openly and willingly risks that all the time.

My guess is that if they were in the same vicinity, she'd be his girlfriend. Because she's too far away, he dates locally. But his true interest is with her.

Hit the nail on the head here...

He is and has always been totally in love with her and this behaviour will continue.

I agree, he can't have her with him so he bides his time for sex and company elsewhere but it's her he is wanting to be with.

That's how I feel, and that's what several close friends have brought up to me, that he's dating the two of us in different ways. Her for his emotional needs and me as the physical embodiment. It's hurtful as I waited for so long for him to emotionally open up to me, as I've only felt ever like the girlfriend versus the girlfriend and the best friend. Whenever I've confronted him about his feelings, he always jumps back to the "I don't see her that way." but tacks on "Besides I don't do the distance thing". But if he really did just see her like a sister their we be no need for the second part. This is also concerning for me as in 8 months after I complete my bachelor's degree, I intend to move home (6 hours away) to pursue my Master's degree. I've told him about this and he tries to claim that it's different because he can still come visit me/we're still living in the same country/etc. But like which one is it really?

How did they initially meet? You said they met "online". What does that mean?

From my understanding they met somewhere between 3.5-4 years ago on Twitter or some other form of social media. Over time they became very close, adding each other's imemdiate family and friends on fb (depsite the other not having necessarily met these people in person on both sides) and messaging back and forth daily.

From my understanding they met somewhere between 3.5-4 years ago on Twitter or some other form of social media. Over time they became very close, adding each other's imemdiate family and friends on fb (depsite the other not having necessarily met these people in person on both sides) and messaging back and forth daily.

Yeah, that's weird. I mean, meeting on social media does happen, but adding each other's family & friends on FB? Something smells way off to me.

I agree with all of the above posters. He has her as his emotional girlfriend, his best friend, and he has you for physical, sexual, in-person stuff. You're his FWB, only he has all the benefits.

Oh absolutely, he doesnt even have members of my immediate family on fb! In one of her insta posts that he's tagged in (a wall photo collage) I noticed that she had a photo of him and another photo of him and his entire immediate family on her wall. This post was from before they ever met in person. My best friend of a decade and I don't have photos of each other's familys on our walls, despite us both being considered like family members on the opposite side. I think it's super weird, it's too much! Going through his phone I found messages about how he was going to pay to fly her down for Christmas. I was LIVID!!! I went off on him about this as well as we had not yet discussed holiday plans yet, why is there plans being arranged for another woman to fly down!?!

This whole thing is off. She isn't respecting his boundaries of his relationship with you, and he is allowing it, actually encouraging it.

You are the 3rd wheel. You are the observer. You are the extra point in this triangle.

As hard as this is, you'll need to stay away from him. Block his social media, phone, etc. I know it's hard; I'm going through a 1.5 year relationship breakup as we speak. But once you find that clarity, you'll be able to see all of this so much more clearly.

I think your guy has commitment issues. He has one foot in each door, never fully in.

You are not crazy. You are not insecure. You are not jealous. You are not clingy. You are simply a girl who was so excited that she found a great guy who wanted a relationship with you, and you were so excited that you liked him as much as he (seemingly) liked you! Anytime he would brush you off, telling you it's your insecurity, or that you just can't "handle" him being friends with a girl, is patently false.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. While not exactly similar, I can totally relate: my BF has an exWife, share a dog together, but no kids. Dog-sharing ExWife would constantly text, post, call, etc., and I felt it was boundary-pushing, as it was rarely about their shared dog. He kept his phone face-down always, which he finally admitted was to hide her texts from me. When I did see some texts (just by sitting with him while they came in), I saw the words "hey handsome", etc., stuff like that. I was called insecure, jealous, etc. However, my now-exBF has another exWife, who is the mother of his kids, and I get along great with her, and I actually have always encouraged their friendship, as it's cordial, mostly about the kids, but I don't really care what they talk about. I'm actually usually the one encouraging him to reach out to that exWife to plan things, etc., and she'll come over and hug me to thank me, as it helps pull their family together. So, in an argument over the dog-sharing, boundary-crossing exWife, where he called me "insecure and jealous", I received some clarity: It's not that I'm insecure, it's that dog-sharing exWife crosses boundaries, whereas kid-sharing ex-wife does not.

I think this applies in your situation. You sound like you'd be cool with him having female friends. It's her crossing boundaries that isn't cool, and him allowing (encouraging!) it.

Thank you so much, I feel like you truly understand what I'm going through. That's exactly it, things seemed so promising in the beginning. I get along great with his family and the friends that he has introduced me too. The other female friends I have met have been super nice and I dont feel uncomfortable as no innapropriate and disrespectful behaviour is going on from what I've seen.

He says all these sweet words like how I'm the only one he's ever seen things working out with long term, he's never loved anybody like he's loved me, etc. It's hard to believe when his actions have consistantly been in contradiction. He's tried to compare the friendship to being like that of the relationship he has with his twin sister, yet his twin sister isn't disrespectful towards me and our relationship and she's not actively trying to stir things up.

He's admitted to self-sabatoging out relationship because he's "not used to working things out". What I find problematic is when I've raised issues that don't involve this friend (him being on his phone way too much when we are hanging out -although sometimes this involves her if its her he's messaging) his response has been torally different. He's been genuinely apologetic and made efforts to correct his wrongs. When it came to her its been nothing but defensiveness and him making excuses for her crossing the line, basically the reason we're on break is I felt like he gave up on trying to fix the relationship (his last three relationships have split in part due to this girl so I assume he's cynical and jaded). Anytime he's tried to talk to her (and not done a good job or put much thought/effort into it) I've had to practically hound him to do it, or else I dont know that it would have ever happened. This is opposite to my personality as I get things done promptly and know how to prioritize

It's not her, it's HIM. Really, that's all that this boils down to.

He is actively keeping this thing going with her even though it has cost him in person relationships. You are just one more in that line. A number, but not #1 and never will be. Sure he will bs you with whatever it takes to make you stick around so he can get laid, but you know what? Watch his actions not his words. He is showing you every single day what/who really matters to him and unfortunately, it's not you. It sucks to realize that, but you know what? It's only been 7 months. Don't waste another 7 on this loser because that's who he is. You need to dump him and move on. Honestly, with this situation, you could throw a dart in the street and find a better guy who will treat you better. On top of that, the fact that you'll be moving soon sure helps you to move on and get this toxic garbage out of your life. Focus on your life, your studies, go where you need to go, enjoy the people around you and don't look back.

Thank you, I really appreciate that! My education comes before any man, that's for sure. He'd suggested doing LD while I'm away, but honestly how can I do LD with someone I couldnt even trust when we did live in the same city? Even if by some miracle he cuts this girl off I feel that he'll always resent me for it. I am a firm believer that worss mean nothing if one's actions convey something different. At this point I'm convinced that it's not me he loves, its the idea if having someone he can hang out with and put his in as a distraction while she's hundreds of miles away.

I'm certain he's hidimg lots more from me when it comes to her, such as what theie true history is prior to us meeting. You don't drop over 1k to fly down and meet a stranger who you simply see as a friend, of that I am certain. It's been three weeks of this "break" but he's still saying ILY and calling me baby and , so acting as if we are dating without fully having the responsibility of it.

Thank you, I really appreciate that! My education comes before any man, that's for sure. He'd suggested doing LD while I'm away, but honestly how can I do LD with someone I couldnt even trust when we did live in the same city? Even if by some miracle he cuts this girl off I feel that he'll always resent me for it. I am a firm believer that worss mean nothing if one's actions convey something different. At this point I'm convinced that it's not me he loves, its the idea if having someone he can hang out with and put his in as a distraction while she's hundreds of miles away.

 

I'm certain he's hidimg lots more from me when it comes to her, such as what theie true history is prior to us meeting. You don't drop over 1k to fly down and meet a stranger who you simply see as a friend, of that I am certain. It's been three weeks of this "break" but he's still saying ILY and calling me baby and , so acting as if we are dating without fully having the responsibility of it.

Look, when you meet the right guy, you'll be #1 in his life. There will be no doubts, no questions, no arguments. You'll feel safe and secure with him. This guy is not it and never will be. Add to it, in a healthy relationship, you don't take breaks, you work things out. There are no breaks in relationships. He is again showing you that he doesn't really care if he loses you. Sending you ILY is frankly cheap. Cheap words with little effort involved. I really hope that you find the strength to tell him that this "break" is now a break up and that you wish him well, but you are out. Then block him so he doesn't have a chance at effing around with your head any more by calling in hysterics, telling you more bs so he can manipulate you into sticking around in this threesome longer. Please please don't keep at this. You really do deserve so much better than being a side option.

He met her online for romance and then he met you locally. That's what happened. She was fully right to think there was romantic interest. She is not some psycho - he gave her reasonable cues to believe that this were to be true. And in fact had she not discovered that you were in his life, she would have been on the backburner or she could have thought she was still on the front burner. Who goes away for two weeks to visit someone when they are in a relationship with someone else and they met them online? I am glad you are seeing the light. he was juggling women. Its not like she went to school with him and they were buddies and she moved to another country.

Thank you, I really appreciate that! My education comes before any man, that's for sure. He'd suggested doing LD while I'm away, but honestly how can I do LD with someone I couldnt even trust when we did live in the same city? Even if by some miracle he cuts this girl off I feel that he'll always resent me for it. I am a firm believer that worss mean nothing if one's actions convey something different. At this point I'm convinced that it's not me he loves, its the idea if having someone he can hang out with and put his in as a distraction while she's hundreds of miles away.

 

I'm certain he's hidimg lots more from me when it comes to her, such as what theie true history is prior to us meeting. You don't drop over 1k to fly down and meet a stranger who you simply see as a friend, of that I am certain. It's been three weeks of this "break" but he's still saying ILY and calling me baby and , so acting as if we are dating without fully having the responsibility of it.

Why haven't you blocked and deleted this guy? Why are you prolonging this mess?