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Thread: BF's Best Friend (female) Not Respecting Our Relationship

  1. #1
    stressedgf

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    BF's Best Friend (female) Not Respecting Our Relationship

    I met my boyfriend 7 months ago and we really hit it off fast. After about a month of dating, we made things official. By three months in we were already talking about spending our future together, eventually wanting to move in together and get a dog, etc. To some it might seem like things happened fast, but everything was goung great and we were both really happy.

    Now here comes the dreaded "but..." part of my story. My boyfriend has a female best friend who lives in another country. They met online several years back, and met in person for the first time at the beginning of this year when he flew down to spend a few weeks with her. The first visit was prior to the start of our relationship, the second occured when she experienced a death in the family and again he flew down to spend a few weeks with her. His justification being that I was out if the country at the time.

    I want to make it clear that I have no issues with opposite sex friends, he has several other close female friends that I've had no issues with whether I've met them in person or not. This "friend" on the other hand, goodness where do I begin? For starters, my bf was never upfront with me about his relationship with this girl. He didn't mention her to me until probably about a month into our relationship, and before I'd even said anything he jumped to the defensive "but she's like a sister to me" spiel. I already knew of her, as I wondered who this girl was that was liking/favouriting/commenting on practically all of his social media posts and making over the top instagram and other social media appreciation posts.

    If I had known about the extent of the relationship earlier on, I would have expressed how uncomfortable it makes me and pointed out the level of innapropriateness in some instances much sooner. This past summer I spent several weeks in Europe doing a univeristy course, my bf and I had previously not spent longer than a week apart so I was anxious about what the distance could do to a still relatively young relationship. A week into my 3.5 week course I recieve a FB message from my bf that he is flying down to spend two weeks with the girl as she is going through a death in the family. I felt very uncomfortable at the thought of being halfway around the world while my bf spent two weeks staying alone at this friend's house while her emotions are likely running high. However I pushed my worries aside and decided to trust him.

    The next two weeks were anxiety ridden, as I had to see countless sappy instagram posts/tweets/etc. about him coming down to see her again and all this stuff. What made me finally lose it over this visit was the night before he was scheduled to leave/the day he was leaving she was posting all this boo hoo on social media about how she needed to come up with a plan to keep him from flying home and not wanting him to leave and how everything sucked now that he had left to go home, etc. I was still halfway around the world whilst having to read this stuff, and boy was that ever fun!

    Upon coming home, I believe I waited about two weeks before I finally snapped one night and spilled the beans about how uncomfortable this friendship makes me. We'd been seriously dating for five months at this point. I told my bf that I couldnt take the constant posting, the pet names, the daily "love you bestie/fave" texts and posts anymore. I told him that this relationship is disrespectful to me as a girlfriend and that he needs to set boundaries with her in order for our relationship to work out.

    At first he was overly defensive and did not understand how numerous things were way over the top and not appropriate. We argued frequently about this for over a month as he kept making excuses and wouldnt take the iniative to speak to her about her behavior and how she needs to tone it down. I confronted him about romantic feelings (as her flirtatious behaviour and intimate posting strongly indicates such). His response was that the first time he flew down to meet her, she asked him about what was going on between them and he told her that he didnt see her that way. He admitted that their was a time where he thought he had feelings for her, however he realized it was more the idea of her and the attention she gives him.

    The first time he talked to her, he completely threw me under the bus and told her that I feel uncomfortable with the way she posts about him. He then suggested that she block me from seeing her posts on social media (I found this out going through his phone one night. I'd never done this before but I heavily suspected he was hiding things and being dishonest). When I found this out I was devastated, my trust in him was shattered because from that I saw that he still didnt understand the problem and that he valued her feelings more than mine. Her response from this was to promptly delete me on FB and unfollow me on instagram (not a normal reaction from a true friend IMO). Recently he tried to talk to her again about her strong emotional dependency upon him, and her reaction was very manipulative. She played the victim (as I suspect she frequently does) and made him feel guilty about the whole thing.

    On what would have been our six month anniversary, we decided to take an indefinate break as I couldn't deal with him not taking the iniative to set boundaries anymore and he had some personal issues outside our relationship he felt he needed to attend to. He feels that once he sorts himself out he would like to resume the relationship. Part of me really wants this as well as besides this drama we are very compatible, however I am cautious due to my trust being broken and the amount of disrepect I have incurred from her not backing off and him due to him not setting boundaries.

    I have never met or spoken to this friend in person, as she lives quite far away and my bf has never overly taken the iniative to aquiant the two of us. Based on her online behaviour towards me, I have strong reason to suspect her dislike for me. I find it interesting that she likes/favourites nearly everything he posts, except the few personal posts he made about our relationship. I have never exhibited rude or hostile behaviour towards her. I have never told my bf that he needs to cut her out of his life, because I believe that is manipulative and controlling. To me a true friend would have backed off from the start, expressed support in the relationship, and tried to get to know me. She has done none of these things. To be fair I haven't necessarily tried to get to know her either, mostly because I feel uncomfortable interacting with someone who hasnt been respectful to me and clearly has feelings for my bf.

    I have considered bringing to his attention that I think she is an emotionally manipulative person and not a true friend, but I feel like I'll be brushed off as jealous and crazy, etc. Although technically we're on break, my bf continues to act basically identically to the way we did when we considered ourselves fully together. It's hard on me, because I do love him but after going on 7 months I no longer have the patience for his relationship with her.

    My friends and family have expressed concern over the amount of time he spends messaging this person/him dropping everything to fly down to be with her at a moment's notice, etc. They fear that I am settling for someone who is engaging in an emotional affair but refusing to scale back and let it go. I fear that if things keep going like this I will get my hopes up again, only to be left even more devasted and hurt. I will not settle for someone who does not put me first above everyone else. That is not to say I need to be put on a pedestal, but that I want to have a partner who has my back and know 110% that we are a team.

    I am seeking advice on what to do, as well as reassurance that I am not crazy and his relationship with her (as well as her behaviour towards him) is innapropriate. Knowing she for sure had feelings for him as recent as a litrle over a month before we met and began to date has me concinced that those feelings remain til this day. Also being a woman myself I know that even though he rejected her romantically, one cant just simply shut off romantic feelings because of that.

  2. #2
    Hollyj
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    She is not the problem, your bf is. He could have shut this down, if HE had wanted to.

    His attention seeking takes precedence over you. The fact that he told her to block you, shows that he does not respect, or value your relationship.

    He has shown you who he. He is having an emotional affair. Be done with him.

  3. #3
    LHGirl
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    Wow. There is so much wrong here, I don't know where to begin.

    Yes, she has romantic feelings for him. Yes, she's emotionally manipulative. No, he's not settling any sorts of boundaries, and so he's not only allowing it, he's encouraging it.

    Please do not blame yourself. This is not about your being insecure, or jealous, or whatever other fun words we can use. This is about an insensitive guy who loves the female attention.

  4. #4
    MissCanuck
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    Three's a crowd.

    Unless and until he enforces real boundaries with this girl, and is honest about their history (I suspect there was more than just a friendship, from both him and her), I would not re-enter a relationship with him.

    He has displayed some very questionable judgment. He can't be so clueless as to imagine his girlfriend would be fine hearing that he's flying off to see some other girl for two weeks, conveniently while you were on the other side of the world. No. Just no. That would have required some planning and discussion between them, and obviously you weren't really clued in to how closely they were communicating. And I don't like the sounds of him essentially making you out to be the bad guy when he told her they needed to scale it back.

    She's got a crush on him, but he has a crush on her, too.

  5. #5
    SherrySher
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    he valued her feelings more than mine.
    That's all you need to know.
    Dump him, and walk. He won't change and he is the one with issues. He will never be a decent or fair partner.

  6. #6
    stressedgf

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    When I first raised the term "emotional affair" he became uber defensive. Well really when I first raised concern over their relationship in general he became uber defensive. Everyone from my childhood best friend to my hairdresser has said the same concerning his lack of respect towards me when he moved to plot behind my back with her.

  7. #7
    SherrySher
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    Of course he's going to get defensive, he knows he's in the wrong. He's a total jerk who is enjoying playing two women against one another.

  8. #8
    Hollyj
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    He has been cheating on you from the start.

    You have all of the info you need. Find someone you can trust, because this guy is not it.

  9. #9
    stressedgf

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    Thank you all for your advice, I truly appreciate it. And I fully get that the real problem is how he's enabled this wrong behaviour to go on for so long, because she can do whatever but it's how he handles it that really counts. I've felt very in the dark about how much and frequently they communicate, and when I finally did read through their conversations I basically had a panic attack and left his house in the middle of the night as I did not realize how much was coming from his end (ex. constant messages of "love you bestie/fave/etc.). That hurt terribly as one of his special lines has always been "you're favourite person", ans now that I know the truth it will never mean what it once did.

  10. #10
    stressedgf

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    I should also mention that I have had other serious relationships, one that lasted over two years, whereas I was/am his longest relationship. Three other women have made comments about this girl to him, two of which he dated before he'd ever even met the friend in person. Ultimately all those relationships ended in part because those women wanted nothing to do with this drama, I didnt find all this out until about five months in when I initially raised concerns and even then it took awhile for the story to come out. When he told me he was flying down for her mother's funeral he was again defensive before I had even said anything (being all "I'm going down to see her because she's like family and really needs me right now but I'll be back in time to greet you at the airport"). I'm sorry but someone from another country whom you met online a few years back and had previously met once before and stayed with for two weeks is not the same as flesh and blood. A childhood best friend who moved away? Sure! But not this

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