In the 7th circle of hell after breakup - my journey back to sanity

I'm starting this thread in the hope that it will be another tool for me to regain my happiness and sense of self after my breakup.

I fell in love with a girl in February. We dated casually, then really heated up in the middle of May. The intimacy was incredible - the stuff of dreams. We broke up in the middle of July. I wanted a normal, exclusive relationship. She didn't. Just emotional incompatibility that eventually led to arguments that ended us.

We fought and she called for space initially, leaving hope for getting back together. She went on a trip overseas and I was a wreck for 3 weeks. When she came back, she was ready to end things and I wasn't. We fought one more time and broke it off for good. I'm not sure who dumped who. Probably her more than me. Don't know if it matters.

I blocked her from all social media, phone, WhatsApp 22 days ago. I haven't contacted her. At all. I unblocked her a couple of times (weakness on my part), but don't intend to do so again. I went through phases of leaning on my friends, mentally scheming how to get her back, pining for her, missing her, etc.

I now realize the relationship is dead. I realize that I was in love with her despite her many faults, but it was not going to go anywhere. I realize I made mistakes in the relationship and breakup as well. Most of all, I realize that I don't want her back.

However

It's now been about 7 weeks total since the initial fight/breakup, and 22 days since we called it off for good. And I've been a total wreck this week in terms of sleep and depression. I'm basically bedridden, and sleeping 4 hours a night at most. I go to sleep, wake up, and can't go back to sleep. I'm taking anti-depressants and Xanax. They're helping, but just slightly (I have a history of depression and anxiety, and after working so hard to get off both SSRIs and benzos for 10 years I had to go back on them 10 days ago). She passes through my thoughts often. Just her name, fragments of her face. It angers and aggravates me at the same time. Mornings are often times the worst time that I struggle with No Contact. I'm doing my best to stick with it. 22 days of No Contact so far, at least I have that going.

I have no motivation to do anything. Literally, anything. Work, work out, eat, etc. I at least no longer feel like I swallowed a boot and eat if I need to.

Why the wave of depression and insomnia now? I was a complete horrible mess initially. I wanted to throw up every minute and could barely function, then it seemed like I was moving on. I don't understand what is happening, and why this has come back to hit me so hard. Especially when my thoughts in general about the relationship, who she is, and what she now means to me are very lucid. I get that the thing is dead and buried, and have no hope or desire to resurrect it.

I can't function without sleep. It's one of the most powerful weapons I have, and it's gone. And it's wrecking everything else.

I just want to move on. The relationship wasn't even that long - but it was incredibly intense while it lasted, which is probably why this is hitting me so hard.

Your thoughts and support are welcome and appreciated. I'm going to try to write here, daily, if only for my own sanity and healing/recovery.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. There are quite a few of us others who are as well. We're all leaning on and trying to help and encourage each other to move on. It sucks. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you only it's just been 15 days NC for me. It's killing me. I go to work but I'm not productive... I don't eat, I cry until I'm sick etc. I have a daughter. I have many friends. I have animals. So many other things going for me and right now, none of that matters to me. I just want him back. But... He's not trying to be back with me so I need to move on. Sounds like you do too. I didn't block him but unfriended him from all social media. I was visiting his pages often, even though I can't see anything and I made myself stop that. It's eased things up a little for me. So... Maybe when you go to her social sites you're refreshing everything in your mind. NC is so hard but I feel so important if you truly want to move on. I just keep telling myself that if I was worth it to him, he would be the one trying to win me back... And he isn't so I have to accept that and move on. I realize I'm rambling but just throwing thoughts out as they come... if you go to the breakup forum, you'll find several post supporting each other. Jump in.

Yeah, this is the kind of thing that people write poetry about isn't it? Well, I've been where you have and yes, it hurts massively. It does pass though....eventually. And then you'll run into them at the grocery store and you'll wonder why they got you so messed up. It's kind of sad really, at one point you'll do anything to get them back, and then you'll do anything to not think about them, and then you'll see them somewhere and you'll feel nothing at all. To me, that's the hardest part - the nothing.

Some questions to ask yourself: Are you sure the meds are working? Or are they making things worse?

How much of your feeling is the pain of being dumped (you wanted more, she wanted less) and how much of the pain is personal pride.

I don't know, just throwing some thoughts out there that probably should be addressed.

Best of luck friend, it seems like you are doing the things you need to do to get passed this. Posting here is good - most of us here (all of us here) have experienced this kind of pain.

Doesn't really matter how long the relationship lasted, although it really was pretty short. What can I say, I was in love with my ex in the first 2 months.

Just be glad you didn't have the chance to create even more memories out of it.

As for the healing part, we're all there. At the spot you are right now. We're all here in this forum because we had our broken hearts. You're not alone in this and it does get better. What you need to do now is to recover your sleep and sanity. Not sleeping only makes things worse and can lead to other bad stuff that you mentioned like aggravating your anxiety and depression. You're already on meds and that can be a good thing...if they work for you.

I had to take some anxiety pills and some sort of calming agent or anti-depressant (not really sure what it was) when I hit rock bottom. I instantly got better, I was still sad, but I could function almost normally. Now that I'm off them I had some relapses and I feel the meds slowed down my healing process, but I really needed them at the time.

So, not really sure about the whole medication issue unless you absolutely need them and you're being followed by a specialist.

Anyway, there's no easy way out of this. Just trust that one day you'll be happy again. With her or someone else or by yourself. You will. 100%.

I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I do need the meds, given my history with anxiety and depression. The Xanax is wonderful for anxiety. The anti-depressant will take a while to work, especially since I had tapered off of it. But it does work, it will just take another couple of weeks. My doctor is wonderful and knows my medical history very well. The only thing he doesn't have is a magic pill to make this go away.

I focused on self-care and being good to myself today. As hard as it was, I got out of bed, washed the sheets (the bedroom was starting to smell like death after 2 days), did a bit of laundry, showered, ate several good meals, brushed my teeth. Basically everything I used to not even think about and breeze through. I read a bit of "Getting Past Your Breakup", and somehow stumbled on here as well.

I forced myself to go out of my house. I went to a park and walked 3 miles. Faster than some, slower than others. My ex clouded my thoughts and I had brief conversations with her in my head, which I pushed away. After walking I found a bench and just sat for a while.

It's a small beginning. To think that 2 months ago, I would rock climb for 3 hours without getting tired, and I had to push myself to this point just to walk 3 miles. The mental toll this has taken is enormous. I hope today was rock bottom, and it's up from here.

But I'm alive. I made it another day. And I keep telling myself that every second that goes by, even as I write this, is another second that goes towards me getting better and happier.

The writing's helping. So are your posts. I'm committed to writing every day, taking care of myself, being good to myself, and putting one foot in front of the other, until I'm whole again.

Thank you

23 days of successful No Contact

I slept a little better last night. Not much, but some. I still took time off from work. I plan to return Monday.

I was good to myself today. As tired as I felt, I got up, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth and went to my weekly therapy session. I then got another prescription for Lunesta for sleep. Let's hope it works.

I walked 4 miles today, then just sat in the park for a while. Planning to watch a bit of TV, eat dinner, write in my journal, read a bit, and call it a day.

What I've observed:

- I'm empowered to decide when my misery ends, not my ex

- I still have no idea why I can't sleep when I don't think about my ex as much anymore. My only guess is that it's recycled grief. But it's irrelevant, really

- I'm tempted to violate No Contact less and less every day

- I think about my ex less every day. It comes and goes in waves and fragments. But it's definitely lessening

- The aerobic physical activity (and the solitude of walking in nature) are incredibly therapeutic

- Distractions are very helpful

- Xanax is awesome

I have zero interest in going out and meeting people and dating. I've installed and uninstalled Tinder and Bumble several times in the past 7 weeks. Lots of matches, no interest.

I've also lost interest in sex. Honestly, this absolutely sucks. But I suppose it's part of the process. My friends recommend hooking up and rebounding (get under someone to get over someone). I can't bring myself to do it.

All for today. Wish everyone here well.

The pain of lost love is excruciating. No way around it.

Keep doing whatever you can, even when you don't feel like it, to take care of yourself. Eat, shower, cry, listen to positive affirmation and that plinky plunky music from massages that is supposed to uplift. Fake it until you feel better.

You won't feel better. You will hate this. You will cry. You will want to jump...but don't. I promise that one day you will wake up and you will feel a little better and that will give you hope that there will come a day when this pain will be a memory. And all the tears that came with it will become the river that led you to a new place that was better than the shore you left behind.

Sending you light and love. And lots of hugs.

Dominique, thank you for your kindness, I'm humbled by your comments. We're all fighting a battle, I know you are as well. I wish you nothing but the best as well, stay strong!!

To be honest, there are days when I absolutely want to cry, but I found that I can't. It's supposed to be a good emotional release. I'm just incapable of it.

I don't want to jump... thank goodness.

And it's getting better. With every second that passes, whether I realize it or not. There's a lot of truth to "Fake it until you make it". Because you do make it, eventually.

Thank you. Again.

No one is that special. Take her off the pedestal and step up and care for yourself instead of falling apart because someone you dated won't. This is about you, and how you treat yourself, not her. I understand the pain and inability to function, but really you're fine.

...trying to take my own advice.

Apart from your lack of sleep, mentally it sounds like you're doing well, reading your first and last post you have almost come to terms with the fact that it wouldn't work, no matter how much you love her, this is good, if only you could turn off you brain from thinking about every other detail huh?

Keep staying active, keep up you exercise and whatever makes you happier and takes your mind off things, set goals if you like.

You honestly sound like you're on the road to recovery, of course it's never going to be quick, take as much time as you need.

You will have days when you feel low, without a doubt, and if you're like me, these days will be LOW. My only advice would be socialise, see friends or talk to family, even co-workers sometimes helps, even if you don't like them that much just interacting with someone tends to take your mind off the pain.

Of course, we're all human, so if you want to embrace this pain the go right ahead, just don't dwell on it. Get upset, get angry, if you can force it out, have a cry (I didnt think i was a crier before my breakup but that changed no end!) it does actually work and can make you feel better.

I find venting any thoughts or feelings on here a bit of a relief, and reading other peoples posts makes me feel less alone. So yeah, keep it up man, we're all here for you.

Hi mynameisneo,

I've just come across this website and your situation. I was really moved and comforted to know that there is someone else going through such a similar thing as me.. right now!

I met her in Feb and we broke up in July. This has been my shortest ever relationship but probably the most intense. We were so deeply connected : madly in love.

However things started to crumble (maybe we were just in lust after all?), we broke up two months ago. This has probably been the most horrific chapter in my life: I feel things very deeply, the sadness and pain has been insane. Drip by drip ..feeling her leave me. At its worst I couldn't sleep and had really bad anxiety and low mood having to go to bed and just focus on slow breathing - very scary. I also got some medication from my Dr but didn't need this for long.

I'm still haunted by all our happy times, still hear her voice, still feel her, have vivid dreams ..but I have noticed that gradually my better days, where I think of her less and can almost feel 'happy' again are increasing. I too do a lot of writing about my thoughts and feelings: counselling myself I suppose. Very intimate. It does help.

One thing I have to do - as you have - is to stop all contact. Up until now we have been in touch every few days - well she has contacted me ..and I have always caved in and replied. I know this has to stop but its so impossibly hard to resist sometimes - the pull to make contact so strong.

I don't know where all this is going ..I suppose like you I just want to feel as though someone else understands what im going through - and get some advice.

I can completely relate to your struggle with physical energy.

I have been through grief before and have learnt that it takes so much energy, that it has its own timetable: you cant control when the tears will flow or when the overall grieving will end ...you have to just let it visit you, be the passenger - embrace it, don't suppress it. I have done so much crying. My heart swells and empties every few days. Sorry I can get quite poetic eh ...hope you are having a better day today and it'd be great to have a reply from you or anyone else.

Thankyou

heartbr8khotel, I'm really sorry about your situation. The feeling of heartbreak is immense. It's the worst thing I've been through, flat out. We're all in this together, every one of us on this forum, and we'll all get through it.

You must end contact and go to strict No Contact. This, above everything else, is what's helped me get to where I am. It's really hard, especially the first few weeks. But the time and distance help make the memories and pain go away, and they begin to make your mind think rationally about the relationship, removing emotion. You'll be able to see the faults in the relationship. You'll be able to see things you overlooked about your ex. You'll be able to analyze it with a critical eye and determine that it really wasn't meant to be, and pinpoint exactly the reasons why. At least, I've been able to do this.

There will be days when the temptation to reach out, to go to her social media pages, is incredibly hard. Today is one of those days for me. There are several ways I deal with this:

Social media I tell myself the following (over and over if I need to): "Whatever I see will either be inconsequential or will absolutely crush me. Neither is worth the risk and throwing away all the work I've done."

Reaching out by any means I tell myself the following (over and over if I need to): "I was great to her, and she treated me like garbage. I wouldn't ever want a friend that does that, and I would never want her back under any circumstances. There is nothing that I can say or that she says that is worth my dignity and self-respect. Reaching out to her or talking to her in any way would only bring me shame and that is not the best me."

It's not easy. It will take as long as it takes. But I know that the second I slip, I throw away (almost) 24 days of healing, moving forward, grief work, etc.

Break of all contact, block her from virtually everything you can, then grieve about it for a while. You're entitled. And it's healthy. Then stay strong, and stay the course. Take care of yourself. Be the best YOU that you can be.

Today will be very hard for me, I already know. But I'm going to start being good to myself, just like I have been the last few days. I'm going to journal, do my grief work, call a friend if I need to, spend time outside. And at the end of the day, I hope I can come back here and post that it's been 24 days of No Contact and I've moved on just a little more.

Hi Neo, (assuming that's not your real name

Thankyou for your reply, means alot. I know my situation and feelings aren't unique ..in the grand scheme of things.. But grief can be such a lonely place cant it.

All that you say rings true. Great advice re contact. Its completely true that any contact drags you back, ruins any progress you've made. Its like a portal opens up and your transported to the world you created together. Its makes for the slowed most painful separation..unpicking the wound...grrr ..this is what I'm learning. Its been 6 days since I sent her a text. She has sent one to me again but I know I have to be stronger and not reply. What she last said has really screwed me up. That she is with someone else already. I'm struggling to sleep which is messing me up in different ways.

Yesterday was a mega sad day. I just thought, f it, ill commit this day to grief, cry as much as I need to etc. These kind of days are LONG days aren't they ...jesus. Going to make sure I get out today and socialise to balance things.

Thanks again for your insightful and inspiring words. I will re read your msg I'm sure. Going to try and sleep a bit more so im not a wreck today.

I'm curious ..where are you from and how old are you? I'm 36 and in the UK.

heartbr8khotel, I'm around your age and in the US. Stay strong. Strict No Contact is hard, but I tell you, the instant you enact it, you'll start to feel better and start healing.

Rooting for you!!

24 days of successful No Contact

This morning was harder than normal. Thought about her a lot for some reason. I then remembered how important distractions are. Ate breakfast, took care of personal grooming, surfed the net a bit, posted here, then read breakuprecoveryguide.com. All of it. Hats off to the lady that put it together. She chose not to monetize it and keep it 100% free. Kudos to her, really.

I then called a friend/co-worker and asked if he wanted to go to a park. Wound up walking 6.5 miles and talking about everything. His former relationship, mine, work, etc. Drove back and went and had a nice dinner. I feel good, and my soul feels lighter.

Sleep is still a problem. I feel like it's slowly getting fixed, but I still wake up at 4 AM and can't go back to sleep. I took a Xanax this morning and it knocked me out for another couple of hours, which is good. I don't want the medicine forever. But right now, it's obvious I need it, and it's a tool in my toolkit, like everything else. So I'm using it. I've resigned myself to the fact that with this sleep thing, the only way out is through, and I'll make it through, as tough as it is. I'm practicing good sleep hygiene, exercising, keeping stress to a minimum (aside from what I already have) and taking my meds.

Mentally, I'm very clear about the relationship, what it was, what it isn't, as well as about my ex. I think sleep is the only missing element of my sanity, or at least the main component. If I had to label where I am in the grieving process, I'm in a weird stage in between depression and acceptance. It is really strange.

I notice girls when I'm out, but have no desire to date/be intimate yet. I'm not forcing it. My therapist recommended the same thing, and I'm not going to rebound unnecessarily. I don't need any extra emotional baggage until I do away with every bit I have right now.

Wishing everyone here lots of love and support. All for today.

25 days of successful No Contact

Sleep finally came to me last night. I woke up only once, and slept through the night. My body feels so tired, still - lots of catching up to do. But I'm grateful for getting a good night's rest. Let's hope that continues.

Today was even harder than yesterday. I woke up thinking about her, and she's been on my mind a lot today. I have no desire to contact her. But I had a burning desire to see what she's been up to. It was incredibly difficult to maintain strict NC and not go unblock her on FB and Instagram. I distracted myself with some threads on this forum, with TV, reading, and by writing an entry in my private journal essentially speaking to her and telling her why I wanted to see what she was doing.

Re-reading it, I saw just how illogical it was. Just incredible what our runaway thoughts can lead us to.

I didn't do much today. My appetite was much stronger than normal, though it's been good for the past 4 weeks. I ate quite a bit of food, and craved chocolate milk, which I drank in plentiful supply. I didn't walk or exercise. I feel bad about that, but I'll make up for it tomorrow.

I realize that not every day on this journey will be roses, quite the opposite. There will be good days and bad days, and given where I am in my recovery, 8 weeks in, today was more bad than good. But, I've also learned to appreciate how far I've come along, even though it doesn't seem like it. The fact that I don't wait for her texts and calls (which I wouldn't know if she's trying to send anyway), and it doesn't bother me that I don't know, I think is really something. The fact that I don't want to call, text or reach out I think is a big sign of progress in the right direction.

The temptation to see what she's doing on social media is not good, obviously. But I've been able to fight it off, however hard that may be. I know I'm strong enough to continue until I absolutely will not care; my goal is total and complete indifference towards her.

Most of all, I feel the attachment breaking. I'd be lying to myself if I thought it was a major tear. I don't think it is, but there are absolutely tears in the bonds and more get severed every day.

She still occupies my thoughts. Some days more, some days less. But I don't long for her nearly as bad as I used to.

Still have no interest in dating. Or sex. I really hope that changes soon.

All for today. Hope everyone here has a peaceful, healing night.

So pd off, just typed a long msg and it didnt send! Grrrrrr

Not to her, I hope. Keep it on here. I don't even have to tell you why, you already know it just takes you backwards into more pain.

Not to her, I hope. Keep it on here. I don't even have to tell you why, you already know it just takes you backwards into more pain.

Totally agree. If it was to me, no big loss If it was to her, fate dealt you a really lucky hand.

26 days of successful No Contact

F***. This is hard.

I have no desire to contact her. But I'll be damned if I don't want to unblock her from FB and Instagram to see what she's doing. It's so freaking irrational. But it was SO incredibly difficult today that I nearly broke. I kept distracted with work, and found some emails from her on my work email, which I permanently deleted, which made me feel good.

I'm not breaking No Contact no matter what. And I'm not going to stalk her social media profiles, that's just shameful. And besides, whatever I would see would either be bland and boring, or would absolutely crush me right now. Neither choice is appealing, especially the last one.

I'm proud of my small victories. If someone in a happy, healthy relationship were to read my entries here, they'd probably think I'm insane. But I'm going to continue to use every tool at my disposal, including this safe space, to work through the emotions until every shred of attachment is gone. Because I'm never ever going to feel like I did when I hit rock bottom - I quite frankly didn't know that kind of pain and anguish even existed.

All for today. Lots of love and well wishes for everyone that's hurting today. May you heal

OP, would you like this thread moved to the Journals forum? (seems more suited to Journals) - people can still post in your thread.

So pd off, just typed a long msg and it didnt send! Grrrrrr

heartbr8khotel, it is probably a good idea to start your own thread so as to get replies to your own issues and not highjack the OP's thread. Thanks!

What does OP mean ..i thought I was ok responding to "Neo" here. I dont use social media so om easily confused with this type of thing

Neo keep ing fighting man! You're doing so well. I can tell you have a strong heart. Only those that love so deeply can feel the deepest pain. I too have felt heartbreak that is out of this world..but it does eventually ease off. Keep necking that chocolate milk and finding distractions. I just did an hours work out which has really lifted my mood.

You can get through this, you bloody will. You will love again. Keep your heart open..and facebook closed! hope youre managing to sleep. Have you ever tried meditating? This works for me. I'm curious have you cried much?

OP, would you like this thread moved to the Journals forum? (seems more suited to Journals) - people can still post in your thread.

Hi Capricorn, thanks for reaching out. I would be grateful if you'd leave the thread here for just a little while longer, at least while my emotions stop vacillating

Gratefully..