Aging Parent and my Role

I'm struggling right now with my father.

Back story: he was abusive my whole life and when I was 13 lost visitation rights and has come in and out of my life since then in the fashion of he tries to control me, I don't allow it, he disappears and then years go by and he sends someone to help him get back in contact with us (myself and older brother). Rinse repeat. Again and again.

I'm 38 now and have had recent calls from his customers (who have called us in past to help him) and then a distant cousin, and then finally police. The latter really got our attention, so we planned a visit to go check on him.

He's emaciated looking, house looks unlived in except the papers piling his on his kitchen table, and yard and garden untouched (he's an avid gardener). No food in fridge or freezer. No nothing in kitchen. Learned of auto accidents and upcoming court dates. He kept lying about what was going on (which is nothing new), but because of his age and the way he was handling himself I think may be made worse by either Alzheimer's or a past stroke (?). His neighbor said he's been acting out of character for about a year. At times, he couldn't find the words to use to talk, so I had to play detective to know all that I know now. All accounts from police have come in the form of "he's wandering through traffic and seems disoriented when approached".

The original plan when we went there was to take a mobile crisis team member with us, but they were not available to do so until a few hours later and at that point we were en route to his house. We made the decision to go in without them. 2 hours into our visit I started to think maybe having them come would cause him to get combative and I had success letting him know "you can allow me to help you or we can involve the police" (in regards to doing what we deem best- getting him some food and agreeing to seeing a doctor).

I got him an appointment, was going to ask him to sign a POA tomorrow, and am considering taking on his paperwork and try to figure out his care options and help him make that decision and all arrangements.

Now today I'm all "who do I think I am making these decisions for him?!?"....I wonder what are my motivations for wanting to help? Am I seeking his approval? Maybe he's so depressed he's basically giving up on life or maybe he's got something else going on that really is affecting his actions (they're one in the same though right?). I'm so confused....I'm questioning how much of myself to give to helping him knowing because of his training I became the codependent that I am. It took me years (and I still struggle)with self care, so am I doing?!?

I'm putting this down, in part, to get it out of my head. Any similar experiences, words of wisdom, or 3rd party "this is what I see" I'd love feedback.

I do have an appt with my therapist next week, but want to start considering these things now because they're really coming up.

Sorry to hear you're in this very though situation however; Your father needs help. Do what you can for him and then let go of any expectations that you think your help 'should' evoke. He has mental issues so he's likely not going to appreciate or acknowledge your attempts at keeping him safe.

Can you get him hooked up with a social worker who will be his advocate/advisor and thereby alleviate you having to be his caregiver?

I have several family members that were/are abusive drunks/junkies. I am going to give a very very different piece of advice.

It sounds like you owe him nothing. I do not know the extent of the crap you have had to deal with because of him. But a genetic tie to you means nothing without the other connections.

You sound like you might be helping because you hope for some gratitude or positive attention from him. You won't get it. Nothing about this person has changed except that he is no longer self sufficient.

I have had to totally write off my sister and brother. Nearly a parent but it didn't come down to that. It isn't easy, but I am a lot happier without them in my life.

I have several family members that were/are abusive drunks/junkies. I am going to give a very very different piece of advice.

 

It sounds like you owe him nothing. I do not know the extent of the crap you have had to deal with because of him. But a genetic tie to you means nothing without the other connections.

 

You sound like you might be helping because you hope for some gratitude or positive attention from him. You won't get it. Nothing about this person has changed except that he is no longer self sufficient.

 

I have had to totally write off my sister and brother. Nearly a parent but it didn't come down to that. It isn't easy, but I am a lot happier without them in my life.

I agree with most of what you're saying chemist but she's already involved. Hence why I recommend she get him settled with a caregiver that can take over and do so without expectation. It will help with her guilt if she's done at least that much. I'd totally agree with you if she hadn't started the process.

Anyway, Op you do what is in YOUR best interests whatever you feel that is.

Yes I am very aware he will never be thankful for my help and since I never received positive attention from him I logically know he'll never give it.

I gotta really let that sink in. He's still the same person except now he's no longer self sufficient. Because prior to this I was perfectly happy not having him in my life since he couldn't respect my boundaries (though he was the one who walked away).

I know I don't want to care for him daily. I don't even think I want to be involved as far as taking care of his finances or seeing him weekly. He's always been hard to be around and now he can appear weak and timid but still become angry and hostile. I don't want to expose my son to him as he looks like my brother (who my Dad abused since toddlerhood). I can seriously do without the added responsibilities due to what's going on with my family-son and husband, and my health.

The part of me that feels sad and really wants to help the most recognizes the age in him that makes life extra hard. It's all his own doing that no one is in his life who'd want to help him, but everyone deserves mercy right?

The thing is, I think I know what I need to do, but it involves not caring what he thinks or how poorly I know he'll respond to it. Acting for myself by handing the care over to someone else, I agree is what's best.

Thank you all!

Why is this so hard?!?!? I spent too much time on this today.

I keep thinking if the state agencies here take over, HE IS TOAST! Because he would be. I've seen it over and over with my whole family who listened to doctors and took all the pills. Without family advocating for you, you get very basic "care". I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Not they I'd ever actually wish someone harm. Just that's how much I hate the idea of seeing him go that route.

But it's too much work for me to handle with all my other responsibilities. He owns properties (one rental and one he lives in)...past due notices, collection agencies, multiple missed court dates (going back 6 months-year) rescheduled, backdated taxes, etc. it's a year of a mess and he remembers nothing. He actually kept telling me to stop doing what I was doing because his wife would take care of it (but they divorced 12 years ago and she hasn't talked to him since 2011). He's not brushing his teeth and kind of smells like pee. His house is kinda gross upon sunlight entering (the day we first went it was raining so darker in house). Too much for one person and since I need to pick up more work to help my own family too I don't know where I'd fit much in.

Is there a middle ground? I think I need to explore that.

Nope. No middle ground. I️ stuck with him long enough to get him emergency brain surgery (softball size mass they said)) and attempted to stick it out longer, but after about a month we went from him being mostly pleasant (once he had surgery) to him calling me 10-15 times a day being nasty and abusive. He’s all connected with state help with his transportation and to his day to day needs.

I’m happy I️ tried but learned I️ really, on some level deep in my subconscious, was still looking for love from him. He’s not capable in his state and at 73 I️ don’t think he ever will be.

I️ love my son and myself enough to stay away completely. Even though he’s my biological parent there is no connection in any way that makes any relationship possible.

Updating this here to help others in same situation and to remind myself (when I️ doubt) that I️ did my best.

Well done to you for arranging state care and stepping back. Also for acknowledging deep down a need to be loved by your parent. You sound like you've done the very best for him despite all the abuse. The best you can do to put a positive end to this is be there for your own family. Helping any more than what you have done would never have let you do that. It's a beautiful story you have shared about your own triumph above your parents abuse, and returning to help your father despite this is valiant. Feel well knowing you've done more than many would, and you are back in the place you are needed now. It probably feels hard, but IMHO you've really done the right thing.