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Violated Trust


pem830

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I saw a woman's name I didn't know with a winky face next to it in my bf's texts and I felt suspicious. I took the slimy route and looked at their messages and he's furious. Saying this is as bad as an affair and that he'll never trust me again. I'm heartbroken and feeling hopeless. Last we spoke he was so angry and said he needed space to calm down. How can I possibly proceed?

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Did you find anything worthwhile?

 

I'd be lying if I said I'd dump my fiancee first offense if I found out she'd been snooping, but if we weren't engaged, I wouldn't hesitate. It'd still definitely be a gigantic blight were I discover she did so right now, though.

 

That said, if you did discover something to make the violation "worth it," I'd react accordingly without letting him deflect by throwing stones over going through his phone.

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By not letting him turn this around on you or deflecting so that YOU feel guilty when he's been shady. I don't like snooping either but if there is a reason to snoop, and if you're going to do it, then you should have the wear-with-all to talk to him about what you found. You did but unfortunately, you allowed him to deflect blame back to you instead of redirecting the conversation back to why he's having flirty texts with or from other women.

 

Were the messages enough to give you proof that he's cheating or leading up to it?

How long have the two of you dated?

What other gas-lighting and/or deflecting does he do on you if any?

What made you check his phone in the first place?

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He and I have been together for two years, with a short break for a few months. The woman is a coworker of his. They exchanged sexual texts while we were apart, then things changed a bit once we got back together, still slightly past my comfort zone but better.

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Good lord. Rid yourself of him. If he's had a sexual past with her and she's still sending him winky text and he's not blocked her then he's a waste of your space.

 

If he wanted back with you then he should have told her upon first winky that it was inappropriate and disrespectful for them to be texting when you and him are back together.

 

Don't let him make you feel bad for protecting your own emotional self. Now that you know that he's still texting her, I hope you are going to dump him.

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He's absolutely made me feel like I'm wrong.

 

... and he's an absolute gas lighting manipulator who is angry you caught him being a douche.

 

You can't trust him because he's untrustworthy. Its not your fault he's untrustworthy. You're right about his questionable boundaries.. he has none. If he respected you, he certainly wouldn't still be texting her.

 

We haven't spoken since Monday since he's calming down.
I hope you have enough of your own boundaries in place that you won't continue on in a relationship where the guy who is sexting a married woman gets angry at you for finding him out. I know its hard to leave someone you are attached to but your partner does not value you. If he did, he would stop his texting nonsense with this woman and he would have done it when you two reconciled the first time.
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He was texting his family and put his phone down on the coffee table with the text screen still open. There was a woman's name and the last text was a and it was like a fire was lit in my gut. When he wasn't around I looked and found them sexting while we were apart, then things getting better but still flirtatious once we were back together (I.e. "Your girlfriend is back and you forget about your spice" "I never forget")

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How'd you find out about the sexts before?

 

And whether they had a history still doesn't answer whether you found anything this time around. If they'd legit and appropriately scaled back the rhetoric following you two reconciling, while of course there are some boundary considerations there, I don't see it as a big betrayal and I'd go as far to say he'd be more justified being upset. Again, all contingent on what you actually found.

 

Why did you two break up for a few months before?

 

ETA: Just read your response. Yeah, I don't think it's cool at all. Take it for what it is... your best recourse probably being to spare yourself the drama and leave him to flirt with whomever.

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She saw a female name and a text with a winky face. On the surface, if that's all, it's nothing.

 

Yes of course but you were shocked at the responses so I explained why my response was what it was. The entire post made it appear to me, considering his over-the-top reaction to her looking at his phone made me get the vibe I did.

 

I'd certainly never be happy with a guy who continued to text a woman he sext with no matter how much they scaled it down.

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He was texting his family and put his phone down on the coffee table with the text screen still open. There was a woman's name and the last text was a and it was like a fire was lit in my gut. When he wasn't around I looked and found them sexting while we were apart, then things getting better but still flirtatious once we were back together (I.e. "Your girlfriend is back and you forget about your spice" "I never forget")
That was his perfect time to tell her to cut-it-out because it's disrespectful to you and his relationship with you.

 

What actually did he respond with?

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