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Question to men in long term healthy relationships who do not live with their S/O.


mandeelove

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To all men in long term healthy relationships...keyword HEALTHY:

 

How often do you naturally feel you want to text or call your s/o throughout the day? Again, in a normal relationship where you both go to work and have seemingly busy day lives... (And not a LDR and you do not live together).

 

Does your amount of daily contact equal your interest in your s/o ? Or simply because you're busy?

 

I'm asking guys in relationships who do not live with their s/o because it makes a difference compared to just going home and getting to see them every single day. Thanks a lot for any feedback.

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Well, I've lived with my lady for about a year and a half now, but we dated for two years before making that move.

 

During that time (and now), I honestly never felt too much need to call or text. I'm not that big on either as I knew I'd see her soon enough anyway. Maybe a goodnight text if we'd been on radio silence all day, but even then, often enough one or both of us would pass out before we got the chance. Frequency of calling or texting has never been a consideration as much as whether I got to see them as often as I'd like. And I did like the idea of catching up in person on any notable happenings over the past couple days.

 

That said, while it's not my style, I wouldn't jump on it being inherently clingy if you are the type to prefer some level of regular communication between meets. It'd depend on the specifics for me. Key is to find someone whose communication style and frequency lines up with your own.

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I'm not a man but perhaps you are interested in my response anyways?

 

We are 40 and 43, each with our own careers, we each own our own (small) homes, a 15 minute drive apart. We've been dating about a year and a half. We have discussed living together (he brought it up) but it's kind of weird because we both own our own homes (and I don't really want to sell my house just like that?). Both of our mortgages happen to come up for renewal around the same time (end of 2018), so the ultimate plan is to revisit the discussion next year and to each sell our homes/buy a bigger one together.

 

I believe our relationship is healthy and we have both commented that we feel we've struck the right balance (for us) between togetherness and space apart to pursue our own things.

 

Our routine is as follows:

 

Mon/Tues - we leave each other to do our own things and call each other sometime after 10pm to say Hello and Goodnight

 

Wed - dinner and date night

 

Thurs - he's with his kids so I leave him be and he will call me sometime after 10pm when the kids are in bed to say Hello and Goodnight

 

Fri-Sun - we spend the weekend together. If he has his kids, I leave somewhere around 2-4pm to give the kids some 'dad' time without me. This is my decision. We get along just great and I am welcome to stay, but I think it's important that they have alone time with Dad before going back to Mom's. If he does not have the kids, we split just after dinner to have time to wind down and get ready for the week.

 

Before I leave on Sunday, we check our calendars for the week and adjust the plans accordingly.

 

Honestly? Other than our nightly call before bed which is no more than 15-20 mins (on days we don't see each other) - we don't really call or text. I mean... if we have something urgent to say or ask we will text - but frankly, 99% of what you have to say can wait and I think space in a relationship is both healthy and good.

 

That's what feels comfortable for us.

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I'm not a guy, but I'll give my insight.

 

I prefer more contact. I like talking a few times throughout the day, either via text or phone. I just ended a 1 1/2 year relationship, and while we had issues, I really enjoyed, and will miss, our calls throughout the day. Just the little calls of "How's your day going?", and a few details about what's going on.

 

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship prior to this, where we'd skip several days of communication in between dates. He was more the "call if I need to talk to you" type of guy.

 

While I do think that both guys cared for me equally, I do prefer the more frequent communication.

 

For me, it's about feeling more connected, and for me, I just feel more connected if I talk to my partner a bit more. My exBF (recent one) felt this way too, and he preferred the calls throughout the day. His prior GF did not, and it ended up being a problem for them, as she complained it was too much, and he felt it was too little. For him and me, it was a perfect amount.

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But mandee, you were done with him, your eyes were opened just a few days ago?

And the texting is not the issue in your relationship, you know that.... at least not the only issue....

The biggest issue is that he doesn't love you I'd say....

I'm having a hard time understanding why you're still struggling in this but somehow determined to make it work, while you know it isn't and it won't...

You haven't been with him that long and look at all the threads. It won't get better!

Imagine all the threads you have now but then in ten years time?

I know its hard but i thought you finally realized it so I'm confused about this thread....

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But mandee, you were done with him, your eyes were opened just a few days ago?

And the texting is not the issue in your relationship, you know that.... at least not the only issue....

The biggest issue is that he doesn't love you I'd say....

I'm having a hard time understanding why you're still struggling in this but somehow determined to make it work, while you know it isn't and it won't...

You haven't been with him that long and look at all the threads. It won't get better!

Imagine all the threads you have now but then in ten years time?

I know its hard but i thought you finally realized it so I'm confused about this thread....

Yes we are off. My mind is off with him too. Just over it. I'm asking because after being with him , over time I forgot what normal is or when a person is really interested. I have heard him say so many times he didn't call because he was busy or had too much going on in his head. I've always heard him blame another reason as to why he couldnt keep in touch but he never said it was because he simply didnt care a lot about me etc. I have also heard him say that Im "too much" and need too much communication. Which really I only want consistency and a little care. If someone says "call you in 30 minutes" I expect 30 minutes, not 3 hours. If I called him out on that, he'd say Im "too much" and he got busy or I dont understand how busy his life is.

 

Over time I just got so confused, I dont know how it is to have an interested man bcuz he always said he WAS interested despite lack of ...well.. everything !! Strange right?

 

This question is really to see, if a man is interested, what really goes on. This guy I speak of could talk to me 2 minutes a day, never ask me any questions about my life, and be fine....still want to date.

 

Im also trying to make sure I dont waste my time in situations like this again. If I see lack of communication I should run, simply because I like talking and that just wont work for me. I find it a way of keeping spark alive especially if you dont live with them. At the end of the day me and that guy didnt fit. And if in fact he really did like me and was just cold in nature, I know that wont work , as I am very warm.

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So good for you! I'm proud!

I think he was the one that was off, not your need for a text or a call cause there was nothing wrong with that, from what i read you weren't overly clingy.

It's just that he wasn't as interested from the start and then you get things like that.

I haven't read anything from you where i thought you were clingy or annoying so trust your own radar!

Good luck and good for you!!

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So good for you! I'm proud!

I think he was the one that was off, not your need for a text or a call cause there was nothing wrong with that, from what i read you weren't overly clingy.

It's just that he want as interested from the start and then you get things like that.

I haven't read anything from you where i thought you were clingy or annoying so trust your own radar!

Good luck and good for you!!

Thank you !
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He wasn't as interested from the start...... stupid phone! But you got my point....
Yes and it was confusing because no matter what ,when the weekends rolled around he wanted to see me. Wanted me at family parties etc. Yet so much was off even when hanging out. No affection etc and no kissing. I can go on and on. Simply strange....and bad fit for me.
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mandeelove, this sounds so much like my relationship of about 5 years ago. I spent 2 1/2 years like this, and it never got better.

 

He either just isn't as into you as you are to him, or he's just not ready for an all-in relationship, or a combination of other factors, which might include stress in his life, etc.

 

The guy I was with was a great guy, but he just wasn't as into me, plus he's just the type to really be happy to be left alone most of the time. This sounds like maybe your guy: he's just happier to be left alone, until he wants to/is ready to see you, and then, he's all in. But he's very much out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Which in my case, really drove me crazy, because it was like I was nonexistent. I felt like I'd be bothering him to call him in between times, and yet he was my freaking boyfriend!

 

He ultimately left me, and I was completely brokenhearted and devastated. I wish I had left much sooner.

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Male in a 13 year relationship with children here. Lived together for 7 years now.

 

I text my wife anywhere from a few times a day to a LOT. I am a very talkative person though. My wife and I spend most our time together talking.

 

This is from a guy who talks to his wife all the time... How frequent you communicate makes no difference on judging how much that person is into you.

 

I know a guy that always talked to his wife. Texting all the time and everything. Even when he was out with one of his girlfriends on the side.

 

I also know a couple highly devoted guys who don't ever text their SO unless they need to transfer information that they think is vital.

 

If you are big into conversing throughout the day then just know that and try to find a guy that is similar. It is just preferences.

 

I would be leery of a guy that texted a lot of people frequently but never texted his Gf. Other than that I dont think you can judge anything just off frequency.

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Female and we didn't live together before marriage but spent a lot of time at each other's places and on vacation, etc. We were long distance for a good part of the 3 years we were together before marriage. When we weren't together we talked once a day for at least 20-30 minutes at night. Sometimes more but that was depending on what was going on. We never texted (he didn't have a smartphone and I had no cell until after we were married in 2009 - I had a blackberry with no phone service, just email, for work). We usually ended up emailing a few times a day.

 

In the very beginning he probably did more of the calling. Once we were exclusive or even before whoever wanted to made the call but usually around the same time at night so that we'd be available.

 

In the 3 years we were together before marriage I experienced about 6 hours of insecurity about "into me" and on one particular day. He was in town and at meetings on and off. I thought based on his schedule he'd be available to chat but he didn't return my call. That was the only time I felt worried that I'd done something to upset him, etc (we were dating probably about 6 months at that point). Turned out his meetings went longer and he ran into colleagues he also had to meet with.

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Male in a 13 year relationship with children here. Lived together for 7 years now.

 

I text my wife anywhere from a few times a day to a LOT. I am a very talkative person though. My wife and I spend most our time together talking.

 

This is from a guy who talks to his wife all the time... How frequent you communicate makes no difference on judging how much that person is into you.

 

I know a guy that always talked to his wife. Texting all the time and everything. Even when he was out with one of his girlfriends on the side.

 

I also know a couple highly devoted guys who don't ever text their SO unless they need to transfer information that they think is vital.

 

If you are big into conversing throughout the day then just know that and try to find a guy that is similar. It is just preferences.

 

I would be leery of a guy that texted a lot of people frequently but never texted his Gf. Other than that I dont think you can judge anything just off frequency.

True this is a very good point. You can text all day and still be cheating... Or never text and really like them all the same. Glad you brought up that point. It is about matching communication styles. Compatibility is very important . I def like to talk a lot and the man in question really hates talking.
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mandeelove, this sounds so much like my relationship of about 5 years ago. I spent 2 1/2 years like this, and it never got better.

 

He either just isn't as into you as you are to him, or he's just not ready for an all-in relationship, or a combination of other factors, which might include stress in his life, etc.

 

The guy I was with was a great guy, but he just wasn't as into me, plus he's just the type to really be happy to be left alone most of the time. This sounds like maybe your guy: he's just happier to be left alone, until he wants to/is ready to see you, and then, he's all in. But he's very much out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Which in my case, really drove me crazy, because it was like I was nonexistent. I felt like I'd be bothering him to call him in between times, and yet he was my freaking boyfriend!

 

He ultimately left me, and I was completely brokenhearted and devastated. I wish I had left much sooner.

Exactly. I think mine is a mix between not as into me as I am with him and a strong need to be left alone like your ex . Because he told me he never liked talking even with exes and at one point females started to think he was married...thats how distant he was! Idk what it is but I can see how a situation like this doesnt get better. People are who they are. Like in your situation...the guy never changed, then left. But I do have a feeling when these men do meet their match, they do increase contact or affection. I think sometimes it is a case of lack of interest.... And what you said was very relatable. I felt I couldn't call my bf. He always felt annoyed by my calls or wanting to talk more than hi or bye, so we fought a lot over that. Hed shut down and not answer causing me to stop calling. When I did that I literally heard from him once a day and saw I was the one really carrying this relationship. I initiated contact and I was the one asking when can we get together? He never planned anything because he simply never came to me either.

 

The other thing that drove me nuts is he hated texting/talking but was always on fb messenger a lot. Even after he said he needed his sleep. He'd stay on late. Bugged me. For a guy hating the phone, he looked like he wanted to be connected to people a lot.

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True this is a very good point. You can text all day and still be cheating... Or never text and really like them all the same. Glad you brought up that point. It is about matching communication styles. Compatibility is very important . I def like to talk a lot and the man in question really hates talking.

I wasn't much of a texter. My wife enjoys it though and over the years her very positive reactions to my conversation promotes me to do it.

 

I do feel that you need to be on the same page with sex, conversation, and future plans to have a good healthy relationship. I lacking on any of those three compatibility points seems to be enough to cause resentment and eventual dissolution of the relationship.

 

The biggest issue I see people do is choose a person that isn't as much into the relationship as the other. Which to me is a future capatibility issue.

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Yes we are off. My mind is off with him too. Just over it. I'm asking because after being with him , over time I forgot what normal is or when a person is really interested.

 

There is no normal. You will never find an answer to your question. What's normal for me may seem bizarre and inappropriate to others. Define what your expectations are. People that meet your expectations are a good match, those that don't, aren't.

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If you are big into conversing throughout the day then just know that and try to find a guy that is similar. It is just preferences.

 

I would be leery of a guy that texted a lot of people frequently but never texted his Gf. Other than that I dont think you can judge anything just off frequency.

 

Agreed. Frequency is not as important as preference. If you prefer a lot of communication but your relationship is a communication desert, time to change your habitat. And vice-versa: if you're in an ocean of communication but you're a communication cactus, time to find a new home!

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There is no normal. You will never find an answer to your question. What's normal for me may seem bizarre and inappropriate to others. Define what your expectations are. People that meet your expectations are a good match, those that don't, aren't.

Truly... that is magnificently said.

 

Being honest and upfront about what you want in a relationship is really the only way to get the relationship you want.

 

Discuss what you both want and comprise with your SO.

 

If a person can't work with you to make ends meet then it is time to end that relationship.

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Truly... that is magnificently said.

 

Being honest and upfront about what you want in a relationship is really the only way to get the relationship you want.

 

Discuss what you both want and comprise with your SO.

 

If a person can't work with you to make ends meet then it is time to end that relationship.

Thank you very true !
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True this is a very good point. You can text all day and still be cheating... Or never text and really like them all the same. Glad you brought up that point. It is about matching communication styles. Compatibility is very important . I def like to talk a lot and the man in question really hates talking.

 

It can also be a matter of "give & take". I'm not much on having to be in constant communications with my partner, but if that what makes her comfortable, then I'll make the adjustment.

 

But there is a limit to what I'm willing to do. If this is a person who needs constant attention throughout the day (needy), then I'd probably wouldn't take it to the next level (relationship), and just move on.

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True this is a very good point. You can text all day and still be cheating... Or never text and really like them all the same. Glad you brought up that point. It is about matching communication styles. Compatibility is very important . I def like to talk a lot and the man in question really hates talking.

 

Wow. That speaks volumes. It never occurred to me that someone who doesn't stay in touch enough is doing so because he might be cheating -where does that come from? Sure, if your partner routinely goes MIA and doesn't respond for abnormally long times or at all to important texts or calls from you then he might be in danger or, sure, I guess, cheating - it's not about being naive of course but that seems very cynical on your part. I'd consider whether there are some general trust issues lurking there which might present as clingy behavior or something that's equally a turn off.

 

Your partner doesn't hate talking is my guess- he doesn't like talking in the way you do and at the times you do or out of obligation. If he hated talking I'm sure you wouldn't have gone on more than one or two dates because you would have been sitting there silently. Talking to each other is about being comfortable and having a good rapport and caring about timing, etc. most of the time with rare exception (i.e. emergency). If you "like to talk a lot" ask yourself why you "like" it when he doesn't seem receptive -what's the point to you -just to vent, just to hear yourself speak - find out what's going on with you as all you can control is you.

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Wow. That speaks volumes. It never occurred to me that someone who doesn't stay in touch enough is doing so because he might be cheating -where does that come from? Sure, if your partner routinely goes MIA and doesn't respond for abnormally long times or at all to important texts or calls from you then he might be in danger or, sure, I guess, cheating - it's not about being naive of course but that seems very cynical on your part. I'd consider whether there are some general trust issues lurking there which might present as clingy behavior or something that's equally a turn off.

 

Your partner doesn't hate talking is my guess- he doesn't like talking in the way you do and at the times you do or out of obligation. If he hated talking I'm sure you wouldn't have gone on more than one or two dates because you would have been sitting there silently. Talking to each other is about being comfortable and having a good rapport and caring about timing, etc. most of the time with rare exception (i.e. emergency). If you "like to talk a lot" ask yourself why you "like" it when he doesn't seem receptive -what's the point to you -just to vent, just to hear yourself speak - find out what's going on with you as all you can control is you.

No I never thought he was cheating or talking to someone else. I trust him. I think you read my response wrong. The earlier poster said you can talk alot and still be cheating or you can never really talk and be faithful. The amount you want to talk on the phone to your bf/gf doesnt= interest level.

 

I actually do believe he genuinely isnt a phone person in those ways that I am. I like to talk about anything really. I am interested enough to keep a convo and I feel that if you cant keep a convo, the chemistry suffers eventually. Thats my idea of it and it does happen. It can get boring especially not living together or hanging out often, so convo is a good thing in my eyes. Its not that Im demanding a convo 24 7 or at times he is at work etc. But a nice convo at night wouldnt hurt. A quick text here and there wouldnt hurt either. This guy I dated was like hi and bye. Never wanted to speak lengthy. It bugged me and made me lose desire.

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I also think there's a lot to be said for saving things up to talk in person. And having dates for many years pre internet cell phones and even voice mail I think there's too much of a tendency these days to have to stay in touch has kind of a security blanket and to share the minutes - thetvslso sffects chemistry in a negative way

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I also think there's a lot to be said for saving things up to talk in person. And having dates for many years pre internet cell phones and even voice mail I think there's too much of a tendency these days to have to stay in touch has kind of a security blanket and to share the minutes - thetvslso sffects chemistry in a negative way
I agree with you but the guy in question never wanted to come see me. I only had to go to him, so time together was limited and only when I had time. So phone was something I wanted but he didnt even like that. I do agree though. In person talking is better. Unfortunately not in my situation.
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