A friend and I... It's complicated.

So let me start by saying that I am a gay guy. I'm still mostly in the closet, having only come out to my closest friend. I did so a while after realizing that I had feelings for him beyond usual friendship. He was shocked at my revelation (my sexuality that is), but hasn't treated me differently and has vocalized that it changes nothing. He also made sure to tell me he's straight. While I understand that I can't make him change or anything of that nature, our friendship is one that a lot of our other friends have noticed is particularly strong and they've consistently made gay jokes about us. Now, they were right about me, and I wonder if they may be right about him too (as well as, well, there just being something different about him that might be this). Let me make clear that I understand the concept of confirmation bias and I'm not making any assumptions, because he's probably not lying to me and I'm not going to pretend I know him better than he does.

I just wanted to ask for any advice on this... Do you think at 17 he may just not have come to terms with his sexuality (as I hardly have), or (as I assume) is he probably straight with pretty much no chance otherwise? Either way, I don't expect I can't deal with it. A little bit of tension on my part is nothing to deal with in exchange for our friendship. Since he probably is indeed straight, how can I go about telling myself that nothing more is possible while not, as these forums often suggest, distancing myself from my only real friend? I know this is the same ridiculous story that a lot of people have, but I think I'm particularly lucky in that my friend is especially understanding and our friendship is pretty much unconditional. Additionally, should I think this over a bit and tell him how I feel? It might be awkward, but I think I could make him understand that if he's straight I respect that and won't... try anything I guess.

Sorry for the long post, any kind and reasonable advice is appreciated.

What people are seeing are the two of you together a lot. So they speculate you guys might be gay. During college and after college my best friend and I were together a lot. We couldn't find girls, so we would call up the other and hit the movies on Friday and Saturday nights and maybe hit a show or a bar during the weekdays. Why stay home because we didn't have dates.

So I don't think your friends have any special gaydar superpower. They just see the two of you together and they assume it. If they suspect you are gay, then they would speculate the two of you are gay. I wouldn't be holding out hope your friend is actually gay or will eventually realize he's gay. They just see you together all the time.

I think that you should accept and respect what he says.

I don't think that you should share your feelings. What would you gain, other than making him feel uncomfortable. Why would you overstep those boundaries when he told you that he is straight?

I would also think that it may be best to distance yourself from him, until your feelings change.

Thanks, I know you're right and I appreciate it. I agree with DanZee. The whole two good friends just seen together a lot is most likely the only thing going on. And Hollyj, I certainly respect what he says, and don't particularly think I'd be overstepping any boundaries, just being honest with my friend to alleviate some of the tension I'm feeling. And I think if I told him, hearing him say he doesn't reciprocate those feelings would help, though I'm capable of recognizing that that's probably the case. I think I'll give it some time though, because I agree that making him uncomfortable isn't something I should do on a whim. I don't think he'd take it terribly though, and it's probably a conversation we should have, because it's a matter of time before he asks if there's anyone I'm interested in, and I decided when I came out to him that I was done lying to him about things if I can reasonably help it. But I'll give it time, maybe I can get over it. I mean, I have to, right? It's not worth it for me to keep pretending when all it does is make it harder to fall asleep at night. So yeah, it'll be tough, but I recognize it's necessary.

Don't say a thing to him, and if it's torturing you, then back away. I would say the same thing if this was an opposite sex friendship where the other person clearly stated that they were not interested. If he is telling you he is straight it is implied by default that he is not interested in you that way. Respect that.