What's going on with my relationship?

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have been living together for over a year. When we first started dating, he was shy, but he now wants me to solely depend on him. He hates when I call my friend my "best friend", and I constantly have to reassure him no one can be closer than him and I. My best friend is just a friend, but he is my significant other. He gets very defensive. This weekend we went clubbing, and I unintentionally hurt his feelings by dancing with my best friend too much, according to him. I didn't try to dance with anyone in particular, I just danced. When I told him this, he became even more mad because he said I want to spend more time with other people subconsciously. I hardly ever see my best friend, and he hates when I do. When he doesn't feel like going out, he becomes upset when I want to with my friend. By going out I just mean going to my best friends house and hanging out. I spend all my time with him even if we aren't doing anything. He yells at me all the time even when I ask him to talk calmly. If I don't say anything back right away because I am collecting my thoughts, he becomes irritated and constantly asks if I am ok or I am mad. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but I just can't go on like this. I feel like I am losing control of my life. I start graduate school in two weeks, and he is upset because I told him I am grateful for my support system. He doesn't want me to have a large support system as he believes I should only rely on him for support. When we "talk about having kids"(just as a casual conversation), he says he doesn't want them to rely on anyone else for advice or guidance other than us as parents. I am studying to be a clinical counselor, and I can't tell if I am completely over evaluating this situation. I am also diagnosed with chronic depression. I take medication and do yoga/meditate regularly. I am only saying that because I don't want this to seem like I am blaming anything on him. I definitely have my bad days, but I don't know where to go from here. There is a lot more I want to address with our relationship, but we can't afford counseling. This is my top priority.

Before I posted this, I told him I was going for outside help. He does not let me talk to my friend or family about my relationship, so this is the first time I have ever looked for help. When I told him I was doing this, and I showed him the post, he said this exactly:

"He's emotionally abusive, and you should get out as quickly as you can. That's what they'll say. And they're not wrong"

I told him that they will not say that as I am ready to pay for a licensed counselor, and they will never say that.

Last night he became very mad at me because I danced too much with my friend. He wouldn't talk to me or try to have a good night. I told him he was emotionally abusing me, and he didn't realize it because his mom has emotionally abused him his entire life. I want this to be completely open, so I will not deny what I said. I am absolutely ready to take responsibility for my part. I just want us to be better.

He then said:

"I want to change and not do this anymore because I see how much it hurts you, but I understand why you wouldn't believe me and heed their advice."

When he said that, I felt completely lied to. He used to lie a lot about small things just to make me happy. They were dumb things. I once asked him if he had done the dishes, and he said he had. I was home alone, and he didn't do the dishes. When I confronted him, he just said he was going to do them when he got home before me. That is just one example. I honestly feel lied to most of my day, but he swears he never does that any more.

I want to be with him. I know he cares about me, and I truly care about him.

He is emotionally abusive

If you haven't already, google the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

You will find him there.

The first sign of emotional abuse is distancing someone from their support network i.e best friends. Dump that motherer already.

I understand he has emotionally abusive qualities, but I do care about him. I don't want to leave him, and I do rely on him for a lot of my emotional support. Can you suggest anything for working through this together? If I leave him like I know everyone is going to say, that won't help him or me either.

I understand he has emotionally abusive qualities, but I do care about him. I don't want to leave him, and I do rely on him for a lot of my emotional support. Can you suggest anything for working through this together? If I leave him like I know everyone is going to say, that won't help him or me either.

Are you asking how to change him?

Abuse like this runs deep and it continues to escalate.

It's typically due to some emotional issues of his.

It would be good idea for both of you to get into therapy, separately.

Him. . to deal with the crux of why he feels he need to control and abuse you.

You. . to understand why you tolerate this and don't believe you deserve better.

It's a long difficult road where two people need to be committed to getting better for themselves, first and foremost.

Abusers rarely go to therapy and are often not successful at turning it around.

Is your best friend male or female, OP? I am trying to understand what his problem is with your friend, exactly.

That aside for a moment, this guy is very insecure and controlling. That isn't something you can fix; he has to do the legwork. If he's not willing to do so, then the relationship you currently have is the way it's going to be, and mark my words that it will get worse. I've been there.

I do get his point about not wanting you to air all your relationship's dirty laundry with friends or family. That can get very messy, very quickly. However, he cannot dictate that and you are most certainly entitled to a support system. It sounds to me like this is less about him wanting you to preserve your relationship, and more about him knowing what they tell you: there are red flags in this relationship and the dynamic he's trying to impose on you is not healthy.

His expectation that you should depend on him and only him is a warning sign of worse to come. You would be wise to heed that, and start laying down some very firm boundaries now if you are not willing or prepared to end it altogether. Don't enable his controlling behaviour. Don't let him guilt you into not socializing with your friends. Don't allow him to make you feel bad for wanting other sources of support beyond just him.

"He's emotionally abusive, and you should get out as quickly as you can. That's what they'll say. And they're not wrong"

I can't put it any better than he did himself.

If you don't leave now you will be on here in a short while with a much bigger problem. We all have crossroads in life......I hope you make the right choice.

Good luck.

I understand he has emotionally abusive qualities, but I do care about him. I don't want to leave him, and I do rely on him for a lot of my emotional support. Can you suggest anything for working through this together? If I leave him like I know everyone is going to say, that won't help him or me either.

Sure it will. It will teach him that healthy people won't put up with that kind of treatment, and it will teach you that you're worth more than sticking around to be someone's enabler.

Hi OP, I can understand your boyfriend's feelings but also yours. In my relationship, I've been on both sides. Right now, I'm more like your boyfriend. It sounds like he's very insecure and feels undervalued, plus worries about you subconsciously being attracted to your best friend (who sounds like a guy in the context) despite your denying it. It also sounds like he recognises the problem, but feels trapped by his own feelings.

Although it's easier said than done (obviously, since I'm struggling to do it myself), I think the best solution would be for him to try and socialise more so that he also has other friends to depend on besides you. So sometimes when you don't feel like hanging out, he also has someone else to text or make plans with - not out of spite, but legitimately because it's not so healthy to be too co-dependent. At the same time, you could try to make him feel a bit more special by trying to pay him just a little bit more attention when you club together, so he doesn't feel neglected over your best friend. You both should also have a good chat on boundaries - what's ok, what isn't.

I'm sorry you feel stifled. Breaking the cycle of abuse is very difficult, and if he's been abused as you said, that runs deep and will have left plenty of emotional scars. That said, both of you love each other so if you're both willing to work on things, hopefully it will get better.