Only option left.. but what will happen?

I feel this message is the last resort, I keep a diary, use tips etc to prevent myself actually comiting suicide, but the thoughts are overwhelming now, it's every hour every day, I keep myself distracted but it's always there, telling me it's the best option, what is stopping me is the fear of what will happen once I die... may sound so irrational to say that, what if I can see my children hurting and alone but am unable to reach out and hug them, I want it all to be over, but how do we know that when we go it is over? I have a plan and when I am going to do it, I can't cope with the battle in my head, I am on medication for bipolar affective disorder and have been diagnosed for few years now. Fed up of being told 'it will pass' it doesn't pass, it doesn't go away, I feel the anguish in my head and pit of my stomach, I don't know why I have come to this forum to be honest. I know I have to do it but I am scared at the same time, how does that make sense? I have picked myself up so many times for my children but they are grown now. I have no energy left to fight for a life that is unbearable. Sorry but I needed to get it out and let someone who doesn't know me, know what I intend to do.

No, no. no. Don't do it! It will hurt a lot of people. In fact, some people may never get over your death. Your death could cause other deaths. Hang on for them.

Try to find a different way. Maybe you need to change doctors. Maybe you need to get away. A lot of people could be depending on you to be around for them.

Please no. I know how you feel. I've lost everything twice. I'm here because of my kids. Please. In the darkness there is no light. In the shadows the whispers come. Your children are your legacy. Don't put this on them.

There is still hope. I understand you are feeling overwhelmed and set back...

1) Decide, out of all the things you are dealing with in life, what the absolute, most important thing is for you to focus on.

2) Now write down all the things that are most important for you to accomplish and put them in order of priority. Just putting them down on paper will allow you to begin to feel a sense of control over what's going on.

3) Tackle the first thing on your list, and continue to take action until you have mastered it. As soon as you master one area, you will begin to develop momentum. Your brain will realize you are in control and you are not overloaded, overwhelmed, or depressed, that this problem is not permanent, and that you can always come up with a solution.

4) When you feel that it's appropriate to start letting go of an overwhelming emotion like grief, start focusing on what you CAN control and realize that there must be some empowering meaning to it all, even though you can't comprehend it yet.

Our self-esteem is often tied to our ability to control our environments. When we create an enviroment inside our minds that has too many intense and simultaneous demands upon us, of course we feel overloaded. But we also have the power to change this by focusing on what we can control and dealing with it a step at a time.

(I really recommend Tony Robbin's book - Awaken the Giant Within).

You are really special and we all have a purpose in the life. Things WILL get better.

Hey Lou, I also have bipolar disorder and it took me a long time to get the right med. I changed doctor many times and then after more than 3 years in the darkness, I started feeling better. I take Lithium and I feel pretty normal now. Also, you should look for a therapist but not those who only talk yada yada. You should go further in your issues because I know it can be healed. I'm going to an EFT therapist to release all my blocks and traumas. Another option is NLP and Bach Flowers. You are not alone and yes, there's a way out. To kill yourself will not solve any problem, I'm spiritualist and I know what I'm talking about. Your pain will not disappear instead it's going to escalate. So try to find another doctor and look for alternative therapies. I've been there and I know you can feel fine.

Thinara, do you practice Falun Gong?