Fiance is confusing me with his contradicting actions?

Hello everyone and thanks in advance for reading and responding. I am in a LDR and I am looking for some advice, I am in tears as I am writing this, I have no idea what to do… This text is going to be super long, I am sorry for that but I want to make sure I include everything imortant…

So let me start by telling you about the relationship first: My fiancé is a US citizen living in the US, 26 years old. I am a German citizen, living in Germany, 25 years old. We have met around June 2015 online on a social media platform. After talking as friends and talking over the phone and facetiming, we decided we want to see each other. He made the first step by visiting me in April 2016, he stayed with me for 2 weeks, I even introduced him to my parents (at that time we were boyfriend and girlfriend and that's what I introduced him as). After that I visited him in November 2016, he still lives with his family so I got to hang out a lot with them too. I am so glad that we have actually made this step, everything worked out wonderfully. After that he visited me again in April 2017 (that's when he proposed) and again in July 2017. Next on the agenda is me flying over there in December this year after my finals (I already have my ticket). The plan for the future is that he moves to Germany to start a trade school study here in 2018. He has already told his parents and friends and is working on paying of all his debts (just minor credit card debts, nothing to worry about). This relationship is serious to us and we know that we want to be with each other.

Now the reason why I am posting this is because my fiancé stopped communicating as much with me and when he does, it is just confusing the heck out of me… I am worried.

He won't respond to my texts, we used to talk on the phone a lot (he usually calls me right before he goes to bed and right when I wake up - we have a 6 hour time difference). But now, if he does call me it's just for 45 seconds, it feels like he will only call me to get it over with and say that he did it. I ask how his day went and he replies "good. yours?". Then he immediately says he is tired and goes to sleep. There is no communication between us anymore and I don't know how to deal with it. The past few days he even stopped calling altogether. He says he just doesn't want to talk. He tells me to chill and relax but I am absolutely anxious about what might be going on. I tried talking with him but he won't tell me anything. I asked him if he is having trouble with something but he responded no to that. I know he is not stressed because he is unemployed currently (for about 2 weeks now) and basically spends his time playing video games, watching tv and chilling.

This has been going on for 2 weeks now. There was no fighting involved that could have triggered this. It just started out of nowhere. I would be able to somewhat handle all of this, but now the worst thing happened just a few moments ago: A few hours ago (5 am for me, 11 pm for him) we talked on the phone. He was really sweet, the conversation lasted about 30 minutes. He said that he loves me and how he misses me and can’t wait to see me. After that however he said that he needs some time off, to have at least 24 hours of not dealing with any „bull“, just to be by himself. After that he hopes that he can have at least another week for himself. He said this might go on for a few weeks, but not all the way until I visit him again (which is in December). I was absolutely devastated not talking to him again for another month, but I said „fine, talk to you in a month I guess“. For some reason he was then being all sweet again telling me again how much he loves me. He was basically the sweet person I met and fell in love with. He said he’d call me again in the morning (his morning time). Then we said good night.

About an hour after the conversation had ended he called me again, but it was like he had completely changed… I asked what was going on and he responded „you… you are going on!“. I had no idea what had gotten into him, he was mad about something, but wouldn’t tell me what??? I was incredibly confused, like waking up from a sweet dream finding out that it had turned into a nightmare… I don’t know how to explain this better.

At some point he just told me to leave him alone and he hung up… So I went back to sleep.

Then, just about a few moments ago he called me again, he had just gotten up from sleep and wasn’t saying much. I asked him what was going on last night and that I was super confused, he mumbled something I didn’t understand and then just hung up on me. I tried calling him back but he declined my calls.

I am so incredibly confused, I don’t know what is going on and why he acted the way he did. I can’t get any explanation out of him. I started crying so hard, I am still crying because I cannot understand why he is playing with my mind so much? I don’t even know which part was played and which wasn’t, whether it was because of something I did or not… He leaves me in this uncertain situation where I don’t know how to react…

Although he said that he wants to be left alone, he calls me and seems to be mad at me. I don’t get it. I am afraid that if I just ignore his calls, he will eventually not want me anymore and that the relationship is just going to end…

I was hoping for some advice from you guys. Maybe I am missing something here? Maybe it is a cultural difference that I don’t grasp?

I am sorry for the long text and I thank everyone who read this far!

You really don't know this guy -- in person you have only spent like 8 weeks together -- that is not enough to decide to get married. He is either getting cold feet over moving to Germany or he found someone else (I vote for number 2 since he needs all this "time to himself"). He is being disrespectful and kind of nasty and you are just sitting around waiting for him to call and treat you badly. This is all unacceptable. If he can't communicate in a clear fashion and act like an adult, you should not be willing to deal with him. This relationship is not working right now -- I would completely back off from him and be prepared to break up. If he calls, tell him that unless he tells you what is going on clearly and succinctly, you are not interested in communicating. Then cut him off until he does or until you realize that you are engaged to someone you don't really know and who is now showing you his true colors.

You deserve better than this.

You deserve WAY better. He does not seem all that committed or interested. I was in a similar situation (minus being engaged, thank goodness lol). Anyways we met online and we decided to have a relationship. I flew down twice to see him and he came over once. He rarely made an effort, forgot video chats, didn't text for hours etc. This coming from a guy who lives at home, doesn't have a job nor does he go to school (yeah I was def stupid for putting up w/his lazy butt). I found out he wasn't interested anymore. I'm thankful he dumped me, yeah I was sad at 1st, but I was free to find a guy who wanted to be w/me. I am in a relationship, the guy lives close, but the short while we have been together, he has texted/called more then the long distance guy did in the half a year we dated. He is not marriage material and be glad those colors showed through. The neglect will get worse and you will never have what you had in the beginning.

The hot, cold, then hot again stuff is really weird. Really crazy-making.

You'll need to create some boundaries here. If he's allowed to continue acting badly, he'll continue to act badly. People don't change their actions if their actions are working for them. If you continue to respond and be available every time he calls, then you've set the pace. If you allow him to be nice, then distant, then nice, then passive-aggressive, then he'll keep doing it. You can say things like, "Call me when you're feeling better." Or, "I love you, but I'm not going to play these games." And get off the phone.

Everyone needs space from time to time, and some of us need a lot of space. 24 hours is reasonable. A week or a month is not.

He's the only one who knows what's going on with him. Marriage and a move to another country is pretty big stuff. Maybe he's really stressed. Maybe something else has happened. Unless/until he tells you, you can only guess. The one thing I don't recommend is being a doormat. Put in some boundaries on what you will and won't accept from him. If he decides to call off the relationship because you are insisting on being treated with respect, then he's not worthy of you.

Thank you everyone for your answers!

Well the thing about the marriage: We are absolutely content about the fact that we do not want to marry soon. We were thinking to get married when we are both done with our studies and have enough money to even afford a marriage. However, we did not want to wait any longer to give each other that promise, we are absolutely confident about the engagement. I know this sounds weird, but what I described of him is jut a small fraction of who he is. He is not like this all the time, that's why I am so confused. He is a very very loving person and I am happier with him than I have ever been with any other guy in a non-distant relationship.

And about the getting stressed because of moving to another country: He is probably the least stressed person I know! I am not saying he is lazy, he works really hard, but he is so much more relaxed than I am and I doubt that moving is something he is stressing over. He is more the type to think: "If it doesn't work out this way, there will be another way if it's meant to be. We'll figure it out one way or another."

To update: We have talked a little since and it was pretty normal conversations, mostly over text. He said that he is sick (aka he has a cold) and he doesn't have the energy to be on the phone long and tell stories. And then he told me to just chill out. I understand that he needs some time for himself, I know how exhausting it can be to be sick. But I do not understand his need to not talk to me for weeks after that (like he said he wanted, I don't know whether he will actually do it). The thing is, he is normally a very chatting person. I remember being on the phone with him for hours, not only in the dating phase but way after that, up to a weeks ago. I am currently preparing for my finals and a little busy, which is why our schedules do not match a lot. However, I would be happy just talking to him for 10 minutes in the morning just to start my day and then I'd be fine the rest of the day. But this uncertainty of when I'll talk to him again is really bothering me.

Now, last night I couldn't help but ask him whether he was seeing someone else. It crossed my mind because he wouldn't answer for hours even though he was sick and basically at home all day. It was the sort of idea you have when nothing else makes sense and you try to find an explanation at all cost. And he felt absolutely betrayed that I'd even think about this. He said that instead of making him feel better, I accuse him of cheating and put him in a worse situation. If I am not helping at all, I should rather be absent, he wouldn't hold it against me. It'd be better than pushing him. I said that I am sorry and didn't really think he was cheating on me, I trust him, but it was just something that popped up in my mind. And he wouldn't let it go, he wouldn't accept my apology. Instead, he went on fighting with me asking what I expected the answer to be and what outcome I was hoping for. He said that I cannot stop excusing myself for the stuff that I decide to say out loud. He was really really upset with me. All of this happened only over text btw.

Now I do know that I can be needy at times. I understand how he feels pushed and me asking if he was seeing someone else might not have been the best thing to do. Now that I think of it, this is really the least possible thing. I know it is hard to describe to people who do not know that person but I have a very confident feeling of him being loyal. My mind went crazy because I start over-thinking when I don't get to talk to a person. And that's the stuff that comes out. Everyone deals with sickness differently, I understand that. I guess I have problems giving him the space he needs, but I am also worried about the way he handles our conversations.

Now I am not sure how I should proceed. I love this man dearly and I do not want to break up over something like this. What I described you is the first time something like this happened, we were fine other times. I am just afraid he will distance himself too much from me and it will make him want to end the relationship. Especially because it is so easy over long distance.

Was I wrong asking whether he was seeing someone else? I know that is a pretty hard accusation to make and I don't even have any reason to think that. He has always been so loyal to me.

How should I proceed? I never intended to upset him.

If he asked you if there was someone else, how would you react/respond?

Well first of all, I would have said no. Then, I would have asked him (and myself) what exactly made him believe that I could be cheating. He nevert denied it. I know he didn't cheat, but I couldn't help asking given the situation.

I could be wrong but one possibility is that when he told you he needed a break and wouldn't be talking to you, he may have been baiting you to create a conflict. From what you said you seem to have reluctantly accepted it.

When you didn't get upset he called back and created a dust up himself.

Often times people behave badly in hopes you'll get sick and tired and leave.

It's possible he's pushing you to do so so he doesn't look like the bad guy.