I'm beginning to realize she ignored consent…

This is about my ex. First of all, to be clear, I am not still in love with her or anything, I would just like opinions on her behavior because I'm starting to think it was not ok.

I'm bi and I was in a long-term relationship with a woman that ended more than 3 years ago. Now I have a boyfriend who I've been with for a couple of years and it's going really well. We have a really good sex life, and I noticed that he basically checks with me every time if I want to have sex - sometimes with a running joke - "oh, so, do we have to have sex?" (in a joking tone). It makes me laugh but it's a nice check-in, and I feel absolutely comfortable with saying no, he says no sometimes (as every person is entitled to), and we are both happy about the amount of sex we're having.

The fact that he always checks in made me think about my ex, and I would just like opinions on her behavior because I'm starting to think it was not ok.

Some background: I moved countries to be with my ex, and we had a good relationship, though we did have issues, including issues with sex. We had had a long-distance relationship, and moving to be with her, unfortunately I realized I wasn't really sexually attracted to her (though she was really attracted to me) and she realized it too. I really loved her and was commited to the relationship, and we talked about it a lot and tried to deal with it but I always felt guilty because I knew I was hurting her in that area.

But looking back, I see kind of a pattern of her ignoring my consent. Certain things she did, I think that if she were a man I would have realized they were not ok. I don't know.

So, we were completely in the closet and she had kids, which really limited when we could have sex obviously. But she would get angry if at the times we "scheduled" or managed to find time for sex I wasn't in the mood/tired/stressed/whatever… She was always pressuring me about sex. I understand she was frustrated by our sexual incompatibility I guess I'd call it.

First example, we took a business-related trip when we'd been together for about 6 months. I'm introverted and I need a lot of sleep, I've always been that way, and we got up real early to travel to Rome and then had meetings with possible clients. After lunch we were at the hotel and I was thinking of nothing but a nap. We were going sightseeing in the afternoon and then to dinner with friends of hers that I didn't know, so in order for me to literally survive the rest of the day, I knew needed a nap. But she wanted to have sex. She kept pushing and pushing about sex and I ended up basically having to beg her to let me take a nap.

I have anxiety disorder and so of course there were times when we had a moment but I was stressing out about something else (so obviously not in the mood) and she would get angry, telling me "you always do this!"

There was one time on vacation - we rented an apartment and I slept on the sofabed because we were never out even to her kids (I'm like their aunt and yes, I know that's ed up, wasn't my decision), we were alone because the kids had gone to the pool. But I had trouble sleeping on that sofa bed and I hadn't really slept in 3 nights. I was a walking zombie. But the moment the kids left she basically grabbed me. Because I felt guilty all the time about sex I tried to go along with it but at a certain point I literally felt like I was gonna throw up and so I told her I didn't feel well and so she stopped. I know that I had a lot of communication problems, which I'm trying not to repeat in my current relationship, but in that case I really felt almost attacked….

Then, one time we managed to take a trip by ourselves, a 4-day weekend away, but of course, the luck I have, I got the flu the night before. I still went, and stayed dosed up on cold medication all weekend, and did all the things she wanted to do, though all I wanted to do was sleep of course. One night, she was really mean. I just wanted to go to sleep because I had a fever and a horribly sore throat, and she got angry and said that if Angelina Jolie was there I would be up for sex. Again in that situation I was telling her what I needed and she got angry/ignored it.

I guess I'm just trying to process all this. Because we were in the closet, I had very few people to talk to about the relationship, and no one to discuss this kind of thing with. I understand that a lot of her behavior was her difficulty with our sexual incompatibility (which was one of the things, among many others though, that led to our breakup) so at the time I didn't blame her, but looking back I feel like this behaviour was not ok.

What do you think?

I don't understand why you are ruminating over this after three years????? She did not ignore consent, she was simply frustrated and inconsiderate.

Do you tend to overthink/be dramatic on most things?

Focus on your current relationship.

I overthink everything (anxiety disorder...)

I am focusing on my current relationship. I just wanted to understand this difference, because I tend to always think that I am the one that is at fault/wrong.

Try to put the past in the past. This is not important.

I know that you were with her for a long time, but you need to try to focus on your bf. This other stuff is unproductive.

It sounds like she was pushy sexually. And that wouldn't be ok with me either. You know now not to tolerate that in a partner. No is no, end of. Throwing a tantrum is not behaviour I'd accept.

Asking you to be a secret would be unacceptable to me as well. Bad things like to hide in the dark.

Just to be clear though, is there more you haven't mentioned here ? Are you in any way implying she assaulted you?

While I'm not sure I'd categorize it as rape or outright lacking consent, I do think it's disgusting, unacceptable, and certainly borderline to essentially bully or badger someone to the point they'd rather have sex than continue to be subjected to it all.

So, of course her behavior wasn't OK. Fortunately, you seem to have a loving and sexually compatible relationship right now, so I'd try to take solace in that.

Nothing is bound to feel 'right' about involving yourself in a secret sexual relationship with someone you're not even attracted to. You can split hairs over every incidence of conflict resulting from that if you want to, but it misses the bigger point.

Coercion does not equal consent. Your feelings are absolutely valid (no matter her behavior) but I agree she acted in ways that violated your right to safely and securely refuse consent.