30 days NC and then a text. What could he want? Please help...

So, I'll simplify this as best as I can. I was with my ex about 3 years. The last year, he became more distant, pulled away a lot, and I heard from him less and less. Soon it became a text or a phone call once a week, and I saw him even less than that.

I asked him several times over the last year what was going on, he said nothing. I asked him to call more, or text more, because he felt so distant, but he would say he was going to, then it would be 2 or 3 weeks before I heard from him.

30 days ago I pulled the plug. After 3 years, I figured something had ended on his end, and he didn't want to break up with me himself, so he was ghosting me. I told him I needed more, and this relationship wasn't working. I said we could reconnect next year to see where we are at if we want to reconnect our friendship. His only response was "Fine by me"

I committed to no contact. 2 and a half weeks in I got a text saying hello. I did not respond. On Day 29 (yesterday) he sent another just saying hello text. Again, no response. Today is Day 30, and I felt great I made it 30 days. He sent another long text saying he missed his friend, and wanted to know if all was well and if we could grab coffee sometime. I responded this time saying "Thank you, all is well. Family is great, life has been very good. I'm looking forward to coffee one day, but i need tome to get over you first. It was a long time we were together. I'm sure you understand. Wishing you the best". His response was "OK, good to hear, I'm around..."

Ok any guys (or girls) that can shed some light on this for me? What does he want? Why is he contacting me? It seems clear he doesn't want more than a friendship, so why the texts??

I'd be so grateful for some insight into the male mind...

He's trying to avoid being the bad guy, so to speak. Unless he clearly states he wants to get back together, you're dealing with simple breadcrumbs.

He is being really cruel by texting you like that without intentions of getting back together.

Breadcrumbs honey, breadcrumbs they're called. Just stick on to NC. You'll be fine at the soonest. Today is my 46th day of NC and I am doing much better than every passed days.

So, I'll simplify this as best as I can. I was with my ex about 3 years. The last year, he became more distant, pulled away a lot, and I heard from him less and less. Soon it became a text or a phone call once a week, and I saw him even less than that.

 

I asked him several times over the last year what was going on, he said nothing. I asked him to call more, or text more, because he felt so distant, but he would say he was going to, then it would be 2 or 3 weeks before I heard from him.

 

30 days ago I pulled the plug. After 3 years, I figured something had ended on his end, and he didn't want to break up with me himself, so he was ghosting me. I told him I needed more, and this relationship wasn't working. I said we could reconnect next year to see where we are at if we want to reconnect our friendship. His only response was "Fine by me"

 

I committed to no contact. 2 and a half weeks in I got a text saying hello. I did not respond. On Day 29 (yesterday) he sent another just saying hello text. Again, no response. Today is Day 30, and I felt great I made it 30 days. He sent another long text saying he missed his friend, and wanted to know if all was well and if we could grab coffee sometime. I responded this time saying "Thank you, all is well. Family is great, life has been very good. I'm looking forward to coffee one day, but i need tome to get over you first. It was a long time we were together. I'm sure you understand. Wishing you the best". His response was "OK, good to hear, I'm around..."

 

Ok any guys (or girls) that can shed some light on this for me? What does he want? Why is he contacting me? It seems clear he doesn't want more than a friendship, so why the texts??

 

I'd be so grateful for some insight into the male mind...

some ppl just do it go satisfy thr ego .. or just insecure ... i would just be direct - whats goin on .. no point wasting your time with him .. 2-3 weeks is a long time with no contact ..

Maybe breadcrumbs because he is feeling you out? He did say he missed you...

Ok thank you guys! He didn't say anything about getting back together, he just said he missed his friend. I was just reading up on what breadcrumbs were, and you are all right, it is only bread crumbs.

I believe I was honest enough in my text to him, so I can implement no contact again without being rude.

I just don't understand the point of him reaching out to me at this point. I guess he's just looking for something I'm not ready for. Maybe in a year or so, but 3 years isn't something normal people get over in a few weeks. Sociopaths maybe...

46 days!! That's so encouraging. I'll be honest, I was feeling pretty good at 30 days, so I get it! Forging on with NC. I need more than just breadcrumbs. Thank you!

He's trying to avoid being the bad guy, so to speak. Unless he clearly states he wants to get back together, you're dealing with simple breadcrumbs.

Agree! Do yourself a big favor, and block him. He does not care about your feelings.

I would also reconsider that friendship.

Sometimes I wonder, when ex does this, is it because they are scared we've moved on and so they don't want to put themselves on the line. But they did break up with us, so shouldn't they be clearer on what you want? So I guess what goes on in the mind of exes like these is that they do miss you but they still think that you guys cannot be together again for the reason they broke up with you for.

To me, it's almost like to relieve their current "missing her" feeling. Then afterwards go back to moving on.

My ex also contacted me after a month NC. We chatted for a bit, and met up twice after that (2 days in a row). Both days, he hugged and kissed me, but I didn't hug nor kiss him back. Mostly because I was scared I would misinterpret or misunderstand his intentions. But he stopped contacting me for a day, then texted again the day after. It felt like "is he thinking I would be here whenever he wants?" So I just decided here's moving on, and chose to ignore it. He didn't contact me again after that. It made feel awful but did help reaffirm my belief that we shouldn't be in contact right now because of how fragile our current feelings are.

The problem with contact right now is that you both are still so blurred with feelings and, both your hope and guard is up. So you did the right thing by telling him that you need to be over him before anything can happen.

I'm hoping that with time and distance, any desire for a relationship with him will go away. honestly, he wasn't worth it. I just have to get over that, and figure out what is wrong with me that I stayed so long. NC still....changed his name to "Do Not Respond" in my phone lol

Sometimes I wonder, when ex does this, is it because they are scared we've moved on and so they don't want to put themselves on the line. But they did break up with us, so shouldn't they be clearer on what you want? So I guess what goes on in the mind of exes like these is that they do miss you but they still think that you guys cannot be together again for the reason they broke up with you for.

 

To me, it's almost like to relieve their current "missing her" feeling. Then afterwards go back to moving on.

 

My ex also contacted me after a month NC. We chatted for a bit, and met up twice after that (2 days in a row). Both days, he hugged and kissed me, but I didn't hug nor kiss him back. Mostly because I was scared I would misinterpret or misunderstand his intentions. But he stopped contacting me for a day, then texted again the day after. It felt like "is he thinking I would be here whenever he wants?" So I just decided here's moving on, and chose to ignore it. He didn't contact me again after that. It made feel awful but did help reaffirm my belief that we shouldn't be in contact right now because of how fragile our current feelings are.

 

The problem with contact right now is that you both are still so blurred with feelings and, both your hope and guard is up. So you did the right thing by telling him that you need to be over him before anything can happen.

Thank you. He seems more than ready to move on to a friendship, and I feel like it's not that easy for me, and I don't want to get sucked in when I do really feel all he wants is a friendship. I think I invested more in relationship than he did. Well obviously, because he had no problem moving on. Thank you for your advice. I'm going to take the time I need, even if it is years, and hopefully by then I won't want anything to do with him anyway.

That is really lame to be in a relationship for three years and do the slow fade.

Also, during the time when you are were asking him to text more -- Did YOU ever call HIM? I know in some relationships, one person does all the calling, all the planning dates and the other person just follows along. Did you actively invite him to specific plans during the time he was fading? Sometimes if one person is doing the heavy lifting and stops and the other doesn't pick up the slack...they just stop putting forth the effort.

Honestly, i would never answer another text from him again. What a jerk. Nope to coffee to make him feel better. That's just my take. If he couldn't man up and break up with you fair and square - then he doesn't deserve any of your time.

That is really lame to be in a relationship for three years and do the slow fade.

 

Also, during the time when you are were asking him to text more -- Did YOU ever call HIM? I know in some relationships, one person does all the calling, all the planning dates and the other person just follows along. Did you actively invite him to specific plans during the time he was fading? Sometimes if one person is doing the heavy lifting and stops and the other doesn't pick up the slack...they just stop putting forth the effort.

 

Honestly, i would never answer another text from him again. What a jerk. Nope to coffee to make him feel better. That's just my take. If he couldn't man up and break up with you fair and square - then he doesn't deserve any of your time.

I did call him. First he said he didn't like texting so much (he is 62..) he said he prefers good old fashioned phone calls. So I said no problem. Instead of texting he would call in the morning on his way to work. Then, the phone calls stopped. So, I would call him. He just wouldn't pick up, or say he was busy, or pick up and be very irritated. He was the kind that asked me to do all the work...plan the dates, plan the vacations, etc. He would never ask me for a date, I was asking him every week to meet up. Sometimes I would wait a week to see if he would ask to meet up, and he wouldn't..it just meant I wouldn't see him that week if I didn't ask. I never needed to text or talk all the time, but it went from all the time, to a little less, to practically nothing at all.

Last October I met him at a restaurant and asked him what was happening. I told him I felt he was pulling away, and he stormed out of the restaurant. He broke up with me, blocked me, called me names, etc. then a few days later he calls and asks to meet. It was weird how things like that would happen.

What's even worse is I should know better. I am very attractive (so I am told, please don't think I'm a narcissist..I'm not, I promise) , accomplished, multiple degrees, much younger than him, and I put up with this. What the heck is wrong with me? I have been dating since the break up..nothing serious, just dates, and I am doing just fine.

You are right. Nope to coffee. That's what I needed to hear today.

Just an update....

I haven't had any contact myself with him, other then the answer a few days ago. I haven't been on FB at all since the breakup, so I haven't seen any of his posts, etc. I received notifications last night that he liked two of my older pictures, that he hadn't liked when he was ghosting me.

What is this man doing????

Who cares. This is nothing.

Be done with this. Block and delete him from everything.