Major jealousy

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He's a really great guy and I love him so much but there are a couple of things that are keeping me from getting comfortable.

He is a freelance artist, mostly comic books. He is part of a figure drawing group that he goes to every week where they draw naked people that pose for them. Mostly burlesque type stuff. He is so passionate about it and all of his friends go as well. Some of his friends pose as well and he has posed once. I get really uncomfortable with it. He's not a very sexual person unless it's with me but whenever he tries to show me a picture I get so uncomfortable and I know that he sees that and he doesn't say anything but I can tell he's a little upset.

I completely support that he does this, even though it makes me uncomfortable, but I know he would love to show me his drawings but for some reason I can't get over it. I've tried talking to him and he tries to help me feel better but I still get bouts of anxiety about it. I let him talk about it but I know that he avoids talking about certain things because it might make me uncomfortable.

He is also best friends with a girl he dates for a bit. They talk a lot and are really close. She is also gorgeous. He told me the whole story of what happened when they dated and he says that he thinks she would be a hard person to be in a relationship with but I still can't get past it. Plus, she also posed while we were together. We get along well and I'm trying to get to know her so I can feel more comfortable.

I don't know what to do I feel horrible for being so uncomfortable with something he loves so much. I've tried so hard to get over it but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep asking him to help me feel better about it. I don't even think that will help. I try and read stuff about similar issues and it makes me feel better for a bit but it just comes back. I'm bipolar so I can get pretty bad anxiety.

I really need some advice on how to get over this because if I don't I think it may really effect the relationship in the future. Thanks in advance

I don't know what I can tell you to make you feel better about the situation. Life drawing has been a tradition for artists for centuries, and sure, your bf and his friends are probably getting off on it a bit, but even comic book artists need that experience.

Are you uncomfortable about the human body? Do you ever get naked in front of your bf? Does he get naked in front of you? Were you abused? Or did you have very strict parents? Are you religious? Are you ashamed of your own body? Just trying to figure out the origin of your felling.

You also brought up him hanging around a gorgeous girl and his artist friends. I'm afraid that's also part of the artistic lifestyle. 30% of artists are bipolar and keep to themselves. The rest are very social and believe that social rules don't apply to them. That kind of lifestyle may not agree with you, especially if you suffer from depression. Any girlfriend would be worried about their bf hanging around with any woman. But it may be too much.

All I can say is try to be supportive and try to look at his work. Maybe it would help for him to sketch you naked? If you're going to be jealous and depressed, the relationship won't be good for either of you.

Well, I actually believe that "no drawing women you've had a past with" is a pretty reasonable boundary. Asking you to be OK with an ex posing naked for him--done in the name of art or not--is putting too tall an order on you. If the test were "Don't be a jealous type" he'd be setting you up to fail.

As for the rest--look, there are some on this board who believe that jealousy is inherently bad and destructive and serves no good purpose. I disagree. I think it's a feeling which--like other feelings--is a response to outside stimuli.

HOWEVER, your boyfriend was doing this before you met and he'll continue to. It's something he likes to do and something he's proud of. When he shows you a sketch, his disappointment in your reaction is likely due to him hoping you'll admire his abilities rather than have a negative response. So if you start giving him grief about his figure drawing and pressuring hin to give it up he will start to resent the hell out of you for it.

Instead, just recognize that being in a relationship with him means--for the time being at least--having to deal with some feelings of jealousy. If it's worth having to deal with those feelings then great. If you decide it isn't, well...

If you decide it's worth it then hopefully over time--and as long as your boyfriend doesn't give you a concrete reason not to trust him--your jealousy will start to naturally calm down as you get used to his figure drawing.

Well, I actually believe that "no drawing women you've had a past with" is a pretty reasonable boundary. Asking you to be OK with an ex posing naked for him--done in the name of art or not--is putting too tall an order on you. If the test were "Don't be a jealous type" he'd be setting you up to fail.

 

As for the rest--look, there are some on this board who believe that jealousy is inherently bad and destructive and serves no good purpose. I disagree. I think it's a feeling which--like other feelings--is a response to outside stimuli.

 

HOWEVER, your boyfriend was doing this before you met and he'll continue to. It's something he likes to do and something he's proud of. When he shows you a sketch, his disappointment in your reaction is likely due to him hoping you'll admire his abilities rather than have a negative response. So if you start giving him grief about his figure drawing and pressuring hin to give it up he will start to resent the hell out of you for it.

 

Instead, just recognize that being in a relationship with him means--for the time being at least--having to deal with some feelings of jealousy. If it's worth having to deal with those feelings then great. If you decide it isn't, well...

 

If you decide it's worth it then hopefully over time--and as long as your boyfriend doesn't give you a concrete reason not to trust him--your jealousy will start to naturally calm down as you get used to his figure drawing.

I never want to be controlling and I've never thought of telling him to stop hanging out with his friends or stop going to his drawing group. He is worth it and I'm really angry at myself for feeling this way. I'm more comfortable with it than I was at first but if he tries to show me pictures I get really uncomfortable and I can't help it. This might be something only a therapist can help me with. Thank you for responding.

If it helps, I've been attending life classes for decades - including the burlesque Dr Sketchy ones - and I also tutor life drawing classes at hen parties, where the model is always a guy with a very fit body. In the past I've also posed for life classes. I'd be horrified if I thought my partner was uncomfortable with it, or jealous in any way.

It's hard to explain to non-artists, but drawing a nude is actually a very detached activity in an emotional sense. If you've got any weakness in your drawing, it will show when you draw the human figure, and conversely - the best way to keep your drawing skills finely honed is to work regularly from the figure. I know that if I leave it for more than a few weeks I won't be up to scratch when I come back to it. In his area of expertise it's absolutely crucial that he's at the top of his game, and there's nothing more to it than that. And if your drawing is going to be up to scratch, detachment is crucial, so don't have any fears about him finding it arousing.

Burlesque life drawing events are very funny, very sociable and an opportunity for people to dress up. The "girls" tend to be highly educated professionals - at our local group there are research scientists, teachers, solicitors and the woman who organises it is a very well-respected educational psychologist. There's nothing sleazy about it - just very camp!

I get that this is all a bit of a mystery if it's not part of your world.

When I do my hen parties, I've grown accustomed to the embarrassed giggles when the model first removes his robe, and I have to remind myself that this is second nature to me (and to your guy and his friends), but not something most of these young girls are accustomed to. Tellingly, I've often had feedback from them that the moment I take them through the process of analysing the figure, looking at line and negative space, all the embarrassment and sexual connotations around nudity vanish. That will be something which happens naturally for your partner and his friends.

Another way of looking at it is that if he were a top-class athlete he would need to train regularly. That's what he's doing when he attends his life classes.

I'm afraid that's also part of the artistic lifestyle. 30% of artists are bipolar and keep to themselves. The rest are very social and believe that social rules don't apply to them. That kind of lifestyle may not agree with you, especially if you suffer from depression. Any girlfriend would be worried about their bf hanging around with any woman. But it may be too much.

Ahem. Please don't assume that all artists are the way that painters from the 19th century are portrayed in films. The stereotypical "artistic lifestyle" is just that - an outmoded cliché.

If her guy's a successful comic book illustrator, he will be working to tight specifications with tight deadlines and if he weren't professional and reliable he'd quickly get dumped by his clients. There are plenty of freelance artists around and any who think that "social rules don't apply to them" will soon be disabused of that notion!