Jump to content

How do I prevent loosing my identity when joining a new family


stepphappy

Recommended Posts

I have joined a new family, my boyfriend and I plan to get married. For now I'm living with them, staying in a spare room since I sold my house. He has 2 kids whom I love, and a long time Nanny who is very involved. My lifestyle is very different from theirs and I feel like it's dwindling away. I like to eat healthy and avoid using disposables. My goal used to be to move towards a waste free life. When I was in my own home I did not purchase disposables, I used basic ingredients for my cleaning supplies, used my own grocery bags, and always choose items packed in glass, paper or metal whenever possible. In my new family they have stopped using paper plates daily since I moved in, and I really appreciate it. The problem is that I feel like I'm swimming in plastic. The trash has to go out daily here. They choose disposable Ziploc bags and cling wrap over Tupperware or silicone covers every time. I really try to respect the fact that they value their own convenience so much. There is a lot of work to be done here, but I'm so unhappy with my lifestyle now.

 

I really just don't know how to handle it when they ask me to do things that are outside of my moral code. Like buy or use disposable items.

 

How do I teach them to respect my morals without disrespecting theirs?

Link to comment

Well you could start by telling the children why you do what you do ...kids love this stuff ....I recycle because they taught my daughter at school the importance of it .... she loved coming home and telling me and getting the right coloured bags for each different area ...So teaching ( not telling ) the children why you do each thing and encouraging them to help and notice their actions will go a long way and become a natural part of life .

 

However , there are some things , for example you say you use basic ingredient for cleaning supplies , no way in hell would I stop buying strong commercial products . not for anyone and you might find that this family don't want to either ( I just used that as an example ) ..so a lot of compromise on both sides is needed , so have suggestions and alternatives ready to tell them about , and just one thing at a time ...

Link to comment

You're a lot like my lady. I can be a bit wasteful, but I tend to try to keep it practical. I'd rather drop $2 on dish soap than spend money on paper plates / plastic cups and have to take the garbage out that much more often. Also big on glass storage for food. What absolutely drives my lady crazy that I don't care much about though is plastic bags. Especially here in our neighborhood in NYC, grocery stores pretty much double bag everything unless you tell them not to. Growing up, we repurposed them, so I don't mind them.

 

So what she did, to perhaps offer you a solution, was bought reusable bags. I kinda lament them because we look like that cliche Whole Foods couple in the middle of Washington Heights, but it's no biggie. Point being that something you can try (if you haven't already) is actually take it upon yourself to supply reusable food storage and such. As you're living under their roof, you can't just load up their cabinets with tupperware and such, but you can offer. If they have it and just don't use it, you can offer to empty them and wash them out. I know it puts more of an effort on you but, again, being under their roof, you're gonna have to kinda kill 'em with kindness if you want them to meet you on your standards in any way.

 

As far as being against buying plastic... I mean, take that as far as you want to, but I'd be more inclined to play along until you're moved out. If it really is shaking your moral foundation to buy some ziplock bags, I suppose you could explain it to them while invoking some humility in your tone. Something like, "I know it's borderline neurotic (not saying it actually is), but I was raised to pretty much conserve everything and it makes me uncomfortable to buy this stuff. But I'm totally willing to empty out and clean the tupperware for you to minimize the inconvenience."

 

But, at the end of the day, maybe knowing a guest is cleaning out their fridge for them is an inconvenience on their conscience. I would say your best bet is to tie your identity with what you do and not what they do.

 

ETA: And, lol, totally with Pips as far as the commercial grade cleaning supplies go. Ever since the Army, I'm stuck on clean. Trying to imagine tackling a quality deep clean with any efficiency using crushed lavender leaves and a rag. But I suppose if you got the time and a small enough space...

Link to comment
So what she did, to perhaps offer you a solution, was bought reusable bags. I kinda lament them because we look like that cliche Whole Foods couple in the middle of Washington Heights, but it's no biggie. Point being that something you can try (if you haven't already) is actually take it upon yourself to supply reusable food storage and such. As you're living under their roof, you can't just load up their cabinets with tupperware and such, but you can offer. If they have it and just don't use it, you can offer to empty them and wash them out. I know it puts more of an effort on you but, again, being under their roof, you're gonna have to kinda kill 'em with kindness if you want them to meet you on your standards in any way.

 

Here in blighty they stopped giving out bags ...we have to buy them for 5p ..oh god there was an uproar ...I thought this is it ...a revolution is upon us . But it was to get people to think ... to get re usable bags and look as you so eloquently described hahaha . I am getting better at taking my own bags , so with time you do start to come around and see it is no hardship .

Link to comment
Well you could start by telling the children why you do what you do ...kids love this stuff ....I recycle because they taught my daughter at school the importance of it .... she loved coming home and telling me and getting the right coloured bags for each different area ...So teaching ( not telling ) the children why you do each thing and encouraging them to help and notice their actions will go a long way and become a natural part of life .

 

However , there are some things , for example you say you use basic ingredient for cleaning supplies , no way in hell would I stop buying strong commercial products . not for anyone and you might find that this family don't want to either ( I just used that as an example ) ..so a lot of compromise on both sides is needed , so have suggestions and alternatives ready to tell them about , and just one thing at a time ...

I really love the advice about the kids, I do actually do this. The kids are great, I'm trying to work on my interactions with the adults. (Boyfriend and Nanny)

 

Just for clarification where cleaning supplies are concerned I don't use lavender lol. I use basic cleaning ingredients that are usually more powerful than average cleaning supplies. Like vinegar (which we use in the hospital) baking soda, washing soda, borax ect. These are items uses in average cleaning supplies. Essential oils are fine, but not my thing. I'll use chemicals if the job requires it... Like pest control! The point here is just that buying it in these forms allows me to use fewer disposable containers, save money, and have fewer added chemicals.

 

I don't make them use my cleaning supplies, I don't make them use shopping bags or any of my ways. I show them my way, and try to continue doing things my way, where I can. It's impossible when those you love with don't do things the same way.

 

Ultimately I just want to be respected and have a polite response for when I'm asked to do something I find morally wrong.

Link to comment
You're a lot like my lady. I can be a bit wasteful, but I tend to try to keep it practical. I'd rather drop $2 on dish soap than spend money on paper plates / plastic cups and have to take the garbage out that much more often. Also big on glass storage for food. What absolutely drives my lady crazy that I don't care much about though is plastic bags. Especially here in our neighborhood in NYC, grocery stores pretty much double bag everything unless you tell them not to. Growing up, we repurposed them, so I don't mind them.

 

So what she did, to perhaps offer you a solution, was bought reusable bags. I kinda lament them because we look like that cliche Whole Foods couple in the middle of Washington Heights, but it's no biggie. Point being that something you can try (if you haven't already) is actually take it upon yourself to supply reusable food storage and such. As you're living under their roof, you can't just load up their cabinets with tupperware and such, but you can offer. If they have it and just don't use it, you can offer to empty them and wash them out. I know it puts more of an effort on you but, again, being under their roof, you're gonna have to kinda kill 'em with kindness if you want them to meet you on your standards in any way.

 

As far as being against buying plastic... I mean, take that as far as you want to, but I'd be more inclined to play along until you're moved out. If it really is shaking your moral foundation to buy some ziplock bags, I suppose you could explain it to them while invoking some humility in your tone. Something like, "I know it's borderline neurotic (not saying it actually is), but I was raised to pretty much conserve everything and it makes me uncomfortable to buy this stuff. But I'm totally willing to empty out and clean the tupperware for you to minimize the inconvenience."

 

But, at the end of the day, maybe knowing a guest is cleaning out their fridge for them is an inconvenience on their conscience. I would say your best bet is to tie your identity with what you do and not what they do.

 

ETA: And, lol, totally with Pips as far as the commercial grade cleaning supplies go. Ever since the Army, I'm stuck on clean. Trying to imagine tackling a quality deep clean with any efficiency using crushed lavender leaves and a rag. But I suppose if you got the time and a small enough space...

Your lady sounds wonderful, and I totally agree about the dish soap.

 

We do have reusable bags and Tupperware. I'm the only one who uses the bags, the tupperware is used some, but anything small goes I a gallon sized Ziploc instead of the tupperware. Im assuming that's the Nanny, I'm not entirely sure. I did ask her not to but it is what it is... I don't expect to be able to control the behavior of others.

 

Also I'm not a guest in someone else's house. I live here, we pay the bills together and I buy whatever the kids need, care for them when he's away, clean our home (dishes and fridge included lol) ect. The nanny does not live here, though she used to before I moved in. I've lived here over a year now. I really love the kids and my boyfriend of course. I just feel like I'm loosing myself.

Link to comment
Your lady sounds wonderful, and I totally agree about the dish soap.

 

We do have reusable bags and Tupperware. I'm the only one who uses the bags, the tupperware is used some, but anything small goes I a gallon sized Ziploc instead of the tupperware. Im assuming that's the Nanny, I'm not entirely sure. I did ask her not to but it is what it is... I don't expect to be able to control the behavior of others.

 

Also I'm not a guest in someone else's house. I live here, we pay the bills together and I buy whatever the kids need, care for them when he's away, clean our home (dishes and fridge included lol) ect. The nanny does not live here, though she used to before I moved in. I've lived here over a year now. I really love the kids and my boyfriend of course. I just feel like I'm loosing myself.

So whose actual house is it? Not to suggest you aren't more than just a guest, but I can go to another country and pay taxes and still be subject to certain customs. They've clearly got their way of doing things and I wouldn't see it so much as disrespectful to you for keeping with their ways, but them just doing them. I guess I'm having a hard time identifying the extent to which you feel disrespected. Is it simply when you're asked to purchase stuff you don't like?

 

Is what you financially contribute equivalent to market rate rent? I ask because it's hard to balance it all and assert yourself perhaps to the extent you'd consider ideal while saving money living in their home.

Link to comment
It's a rental. We are planning to be married and looking for something to buy, but in the meantime we are renting. I sleep in a separate room since we aren't married, and we both have traditional family values.
Well if it is for all intents and purposes a completely shared home, as in you're all paying proportionate rent and utilities and doing shopping for them would serving as a way to sorta paying your dues, then I'd say you're well within your right to not go above and beyond making purchases for them that you're not comfortable with. You're free to buy what you want to clean and store food with. They're free to do the same.
Link to comment
Well if it is for all intents and purposes a completely shared home, as in you're all paying proportionate rent and utilities and doing shopping for them would serving as a way to sorta paying your dues, then I'd say you're well within your right to not go above and beyond making purchases for them that you're not comfortable with. You're free to buy what you want to clean and store food with. They're free to do the same.
Thanks, yes I am contributing at least half of the expenses financially. I'm also contributing as a parent for the children. I sold my house recently, so I have the money that would be the down payment for our new home. I think of myself as an equal in terms of responsibility and for lack of a better term "status". I do prefer for him to feel like the head of the house so to speak. In my opinion being the head of household is a big job, and part of it is making sure your loved ones all feel like they can express their needs, and feel fulfilled if at all possible. With that, I know I'm with my right to not make purchases that I don't agree with. I just don't want the issue to be a source of discord between us. I'm looking for advice about how to talk about it.
Link to comment
Thanks, yes I am contributing at least half of the expenses financially. I'm also contributing as a parent for the children. I sold my house recently, so I have the money that would be the down payment for our new home. I think of myself as an equal in terms of responsibility and for lack of a better term "status". I do prefer for him to feel like the head of the house so to speak. In my opinion being the head of household is a big job, and part of it is making sure your loved ones all feel like they can express their needs, and feel fulfilled if at all possible. With that, I know I'm with my right to not make purchases that I don't agree with. I just don't want the issue to be a source of discord between us. I'm looking for advice about how to talk about it.
You know these people better than us... would they really got crotchety because they have to buy their own ziplocks? I mean I can picture an eyebrow raise and maybe an, "....ok," but you don't need them to full on empathize with you about it. You're just letting them know they're on their own with the disposable plastics.
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...