Confused - do people really do this?

Hi all,

Here to vent. I appreciate insights, but I ask that they are polite and not directed at my character.

I had/have a crush on this woman I know... we're acquaintances, have talked casually a few sporadic times, and we're both single. I'd say I'm fairly attractive. I'm 22, fit, I'm a very well known leader around my university, I'm multifaceted. Anyway.

I messaged her on Facebook messenger (no other way, I figured, that we would find a way to magically meet up) and said,

"Hey X! I think you're really cute and interesting, and I'd love the chance to get to know you better."

She didn't respond for 5 days. Messenger showed that she hadn't clicked on my chat (no "read receipt"). My ego was really bruised. I couldn't stop thinking about it even though I just wanted to move on. Then, last night, I got:

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I haven't seen this! I'm super flattered!"

I didn't click on the chat, so she didn't see the read receipt. I waited until 5 pm today. I asked trusted friends, coworkers for advice (didn't give any specific details). I asked if I should give the benefit of the doubt, did she really not see the message from me for 5 days? They all said yes, I should give the benefit of the doubt.

Then I said "Hey! No worries! If you would want to grab coffee together sometime I'd totally dig it.

Read receipt. No response. It's been almost three hours.

What do you all think? Did she really not read the message for 5 days? If she did, what kind of person does that to someone they know? Then, why did she reach back out? Does this really happen? If so, why? How can I get over the ego bruise and these not normal feelings? I've acted reasonably outwardly but I feel like I'm going to explode inside.

What's the worst that could happen if you gave her the benefit of the doubt?

You can't get in someone else's head so stop trying. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. Sometimes when you don't get what you want in life, you find out later it was for the best. You give her power by thinking endlessly about what she did and why. She's no longer your concern. Move on.

She hadn't read the message on Facebook, that does not mean she's not into you, it means she's not addicted to FB and that's a good thing.She probably didn't see it for 5 days.

As for the three hour thing, I assume she goes to school or works and has friends? So three hours is not long at all.

Chill, ease the ego back down and go with the flow. Unless you find out 100% that she is a liar or game player, just give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Are you FB friends?

If she's active on Facebook she definitely saw it. When I get messages I don't want to respond to, I leave them like that.

Your first message was too direct. I think you should've started just chatting and eased in to meeting up

Jibralta,

The worst that could happen is she doesn't give me the time of day. I guess writing it makes it a little less scary.

Andrina,

I appreciate the advice, but how do I move on? People always say that but I just move from one pain to the next.

SherrySher,

Thank you. I need a chill pill. I don't like that I feel this way over something logically so small. It makes me feel better that there are different interpretations of this situation from users on here - so at least it's not just me.

figureitout,

Yes we are, and we know each other in real life.

mustlovedogs,

I was thinking that too - because that's what I would do too at first. She was liking everything on social media previously and so I might have mistook that as interest. Thank you for the feedback and I appreciate your view.

if shes been online she saw the message. Unless it went to the spam folder which i don't know why it would.

figureitout,

I agree - can't imagine how she wouldn't have seen it.

I don't know why my lady friends/coworkers said I should give the benefit of the doubt. I feel silly now for sending the second message. I should have just walked away and not responded to her message back to me.

She hadn't read the message on Facebook, that does not mean she's not into you, it means she's not addicted to FB and that's a good thing.She probably didn't see it for 5 days.

 

As for the three hour thing, I assume she goes to school or works and has friends? So three hours is not long at all.

 

Chill, ease the ego back down and go with the flow. Unless you find out 100% that she is a liar or game player, just give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

OP read this ^^^ simmer yourself down and stop over analyzing what may have happened. Not everyone is obsessed with facebook and what's the big deal about no reply in 3 hours? People have lives and things to do. Slow down, learn to be patient.

I've acted reasonably outwardly but I feel like I'm going to explode inside.

She said she was flattered, she did not say she was interested. I'm not sure what she's done to inflame you, here.

You're going to 'explode inside?' What exactly does that mean?

You're right - she did not say she was interested. I'd deduced that she wasn't interested from the 5 days of no response. So why did she reach out again with that message? I guess we don't know. Maybe she felt bad. Maybe she was testing the waters. Maybe she had a lonely night.

I don't know - the lack of response has me feeling anxious and emasculated. I hate guessing. I wish people were more direct. I'm a little peeved that she can't just say she isn't interested, but I haven't shown that on any other media but this forum.

By exploding inside, I mean anxiety, with which I struggle. I'm trying to rationalize raw emotion. It doesn't really make sense to me either, so I'm reaching out here to get a sense of things.

You're right - she did not say she was interested. I'd deduced that from the 5 days of no response. So why did she reach out again with that message? I guess we don't know. Maybe she felt bad. Maybe she was testing the waters. Maybe she had a lonely night.

 

I don't know - the lack of response has me feeling anxious and emasculated. I hate guessing. I wish people were more direct. I'm a little peeved that she can't just say she isn't interested, but I haven't shown that anywhere but this forum. I'm trying to rationalize raw emotion. It doesn't really make sense to me either, so I'm reaching out here to get a sense of things.

Not everyone has facebook messenger installed - some people have lives outside of the internet and she legitimately may not have seen it. i don't see a text if i get a flood of texts at once - i miss some. She could be waiting to see if you act interested when you run into her again or if it was a drunk dial message so to speak. She could want to respond in person. Or this could have come out of left field for her. She could be analyzing it just as you or she could be very busy! Or maybe her phone has limited minutes.

If you know her, why did you not ask her out in person? The problem with online communication is that everything gets so misconstrued.

I'll give you a tip: no matter how popular you are at school, asking a woman out works so much better when she gives you a green light. Does she talk to you when you are with eachother? Does she tell you things she likes to do without directly asking you out? Do you talk about stuff you like to do and she says "i have always wanted to try that". Are there any signs at all that she is receptive to you?

Also, I will say that if a guy comes right out and tells me i am "cute" - it makes me uncomfortable. She might love it -- but not every woman wants to be "cute".

If you feel emasculated because a woman has not responded to you -- you will have difficulty with dating -- it sounds like you think she is taking something away by having a busy schedule or really wanting to think about your request.

I agree with abitbroken about getting signals from a woman that she would likely say yes if you asked her out. Perhaps you're not very good seeing the signals, or lack of them, and if not, it's something you can learn to recognize. A woman might try to touch your arm for emphasis when talking to you. She might laugh a lot, being happy just to be around you. She might ask you if you've seen a particular movie yet, and then she'll say she hasn't seen it either, but would like to. She might compliment you.

Ask your friends to be frank with you and let you know if you're doing anything off-putting which might prevent someone accepting a date with you. Maybe you're doing everything perfectly but haven't yet met the woman who shares chemistry with you.

It's human to be upset if you're not someone's cup of tea, but it doesn't mean another woman wouldn't jump at the chance to date you. You might try meetups.com or a college club so you can get to know women more gradually, to give you both time to gauge each other's interest. Good luck.

The worst that could happen is she doesn't give me the time of day. I guess writing it makes it a little less scary.

Good, because it's not a reflection of your value as a human being.

GUYS AND GALS, she actually happily agreed to the coffee date. I was a mess yesterday and I just feel so silly about overanalyzing now.

abitbroken,

I appreciate your reply. I didn't ask her out in person because of two reasons. One, I didn't think that we would be able to meet up or see each other randomly on our large campus, and two, I really didn't want some other guy to reach out to her first. So I asked her on a coffee date so that we could get to know each other better. I am better at reading people in person - I think. Big clues are eye contact and looking down at my lips. There's often also this big smile women I like tend do when interested. I didn't go that route this time because I didn't know when I would see her next. To each their own about being called cute, but that's good to know: what casual compliment(s) do you like better?

Andrina,

I think that's great advice. I'll ask my friends what I could be doing better. I appreciate the impartial, helpful advice. You advise me on what I could do better, acknowledge the variables, and let it be known that it could be circumstance, while taking my side. I really appreciate it a lot.

Jibralta,

That powerful statement came at a low point in my day, and it picked me right back up. You're absolutely right. Thank you.

To each their own about being called cute, but that's good to know: what casual compliment(s) do you like better?

To me "cute" implies childish preciousness/adorableness. If you want to compliment a woman, talk about her other traits - If she did a brave thing that you witnessed, she said something in class that made you think, you found out that she has the same favorite thing that not many people like as you, etc, talk about stuff like that ---

As a girl I'll give you some insight. Did she repost any thing or update her status? If so she straight up ignored you. Plain and simple

abitbroken,

Thank you! I appreciate that insight.

Bowandhat,

She did once for the 5-6 days of no read receipt.

_________________

We had coffee planned for tomorrow, but then she said she couldn't because her family was staying with her until Monday to help her move in to school. I asked if she would like to reschedule and if so what day, and she replied that next week was hectic because of training, but she would be available after. So I said "next weekend/week?" and she said "I think so!"

I just said "Great!" but honestly I'm just discouraged now. I don't think I'll follow up. She didn't say a date she would like to reschedule when I asked so I'm pretty sure she's trying to nicely discourage me. Maybe she's had a guy freak out on her in the past so she doesn't say she isn't interested, and maybe she keeps people guessing because that's a quirk of hers, but I'm not going to reach out again unless she messages me. This is just silly now.

I would give another chance - she is probably frazzled by her family being in town and the move into school, etc -let her settle in and try one more time.

Thank you. I really don't want to be annoying or look desperate by continuing to contact her and ask though. I don't want to be that guy who just isn't going away. Is it normal to feel this much ambiguity about someone? lol

Is it normal to feel this much ambiguity about someone?

Ideally, you wouldn't. You just have anxiety for some reason. It happens. Perhaps you are assigning too much importance to the girl and the situation. The anxiety will probably resolve itself over time, and as you have new experiences. But it probably won't resolve itself over the next month!

I'd suggest moving forward and following up with the girl after a couple of weeks. Don't hover over her, but don't just give up. Giving up will make the anxiety worse next time around. It's always better to face your fears because that way they don't increase! Worst case, she will reject you, and you will see that you'll get through it fine. Best case, well that's for you to say.

You're right - she did not say she was interested. I'd deduced that she wasn't interested from the 5 days of no response. So why did she reach out again with that message? I guess we don't know. Maybe she felt bad. Maybe she was testing the waters. Maybe she had a lonely night.

 

I don't know - the lack of response has me feeling anxious and emasculated. I hate guessing. I wish people were more direct. I'm a little peeved that she can't just say she isn't interested, but I haven't shown that on any other media but this forum.

 

By exploding inside, I mean anxiety, with which I struggle. I'm trying to rationalize raw emotion. It doesn't really make sense to me either, so I'm reaching out here to get a sense of things.

Stop thinking so much.

This is really much simpler than it looks. You took a shot. She said she was flattered. Usually when a woman responds, but doesn't add anything to the conversation, she's simply being polite. If she was interested she would have offered something to keep the conversation going. Why it took five days is anybody's guess. The important thing is the response. Which was polite, and nothing else.

I'm flattered = I should respond, but respond in a way that isn't encouraging or misleading.

People don't like to outright reject people. It's difficult and uncomfortable. Some people get flamed and worse for directly rejecting someone. Don't be angry. It's the way it is, and it's not going to change. We have to rely on giving, and being able to read subtle clues of non-interest.

Everything you've said makes sense to me. You reached out, and you were rejected. And it a very usual way. Instead of being filled with self-loathing and anxiety, pat yourself on the back for stepping up to the plate. Keep doing it, and learn not to take rejection so personal. EVERY human being on the planet has to deal with rejecting and being rejected. Make peace with it.

Thank you for your advice, Jibralta and Sportster!

UPDATE on my situation:

Here's a timeline

1. I indicated interest.

(5 days later)

2. Response that she's flattered and she's sorry she hadn't seen the message

I asked her to coffee

3. She said yes, then several days go by figuring out logistics. We mention Sunday might work, but then she cancels day before because family.

4. I have a rule for myself where I gauge if someone was nicely rejecting or legitimately had something come up, if they make an effort to reschedule.

I asked to reschedule

She said yes

I just said great

Then she asked for days I'm free (so she's making an effort)

I say Friday or Sunday

(several days go by, including Friday and Sunday, no response)

I guess she isn't interested.

(A week goes by)

5. I attend a Carnival at our university with some friends this past Friday. I looked pretty good. She was helping to work the event. We caught eyes, and gave each other an awkward smile-wave. I turned back to my friends. Later, she approached me in a line for a ride, and said, "you never got back to me on when you were free." I go "oh! you didn't get my message?" She said no, and then gave me her number without me even asking. I sent her my number, and she said she would get her schedule together by Sunday, so she would let me know when she is free at that time.

6. I said okay. That night, on social media I saw some really sad posts, so I checked in to see if she was alright, said I was here if she needed someone to vent to or for someone to listen. She indicated that she was appreciative, but that she felt she couldn't talk about it. I said that I could respect that and that I'm rooting for her. She said thanks and brought up coffee again. I said I'm still interested in coffee, and I would let her pick the day.

(three days later, Sunday has passed, and it's now Monday)

And here we are. What kind of game is this??? Upon research because I'm very confused, apparently she and her ex-boyfriend broke up several months ago. I saw him at the carnival too. I wonder if this is the reason for this odd behavior.

Sounds like this missed-message thing is BS. One time, maybe. Every time, no way.

Also, watch out for whiners, especially ones who publicly post about their 'sadness' but "can't talk" about it. That is attention-seeking manipulation.

That night, on social media I saw some really sad posts, so I checked in to see if she was alright, said I was here if she needed someone to vent to or for someone to listen. She indicated that she was appreciative, but that she felt she couldn't talk about it. I said that I could respect that and that I'm rooting for her.