6+ years, 2 kids, and at my breaking point

Hi All,

It's been quite a while since my last post venting about my issues but I'm quickly getting close to a crossroads with my marriage. We have been married for about 6 years now, together for 10. Not going to lie it's been a fairly bumpy road for the entire time we have been together. My wife has suffered from some form of mental health issue pretty much the entire time we have been together. In the beginning it was severe anxiety and anger issues, and now it's depression along with anger issues that are pretty much 100% directed at me. We have 2 young children (1.5, 2.5) and she is a stay at home mom for both of them. This was completely her decision (however in the back of my mind I have always suspected that she just doesn't want to work), and she's miserable. I mean miserable is not even the right word to describe it. I do everything I possibly can to help her with the kids and around the house. I get the kids up and dressed with breakfast on the table before she even gets out of bed EVERY DAY before I go to work. On paper we have a great life - beautiful house in an excellent community, boat, travel trailer, happy healthy children, no money issues, etc, however in reality I dread every single minute that I have to even see her. I can't even take an hour to cut the grass without her scowling at me through the door yelling that I am taking too long. I feel incredibly blessed that I am able to provide things for our family that were not even close to possible in either of our childhoods but shortchanged that my wife treats me like a piece of crap and blames all of her problems 100% on me.

I honestly believe that a lot of the glue that held us together previously was our sex life. Well now our sex life is completely shot. She developed a medical issue with the second pregnancy that prevented us from having sex about half way through the pregnancy. I get it - and I was as supportive as I possibly could have been throughout the remainder of the pregnancy (and she was not at all understanding about my needs - I never asked for anything and maybe once or twice was offered some relief). Fast forward a year and a half after the birth and we are still like roommates. Our kids sleep great (in bed and solidly asleep by 7) - there should not be any reason that we can't get back into the swing of things. I'm literally down to sex twice a month, which has to be in our bed directly following a shower, with a condom on, and she pretty much just lays there so I can get done with it. I have tried many times to initiate physical contact, foreplay, etc and she's not at all responsive. I have brought the subject up gingerly a few times now and nothing has changed. It's to the point where I'm getting passive aggressive about it (I know not helpful) but between the way she treats me in general and the fact that I'm not at all sexually satisfied I just really don't have much of a string for her anymore. We have a king size bed and literally sleep on opposite sides of it not even touching each other. She went out of her way to delay starting birth control for months (accidentally "forgetting" to start the pills), and in reality I think it's because she does not want to have sex with me without a condom on for some reason that I can't even begin to figure out. I have not cheated on her and she should not have any reason to think differently.

She's admitted that she's depressed and has started some medication (about 2 months ago) to help, but the problem for me is that the damage is already done and I'm just worn out by it and her. Honestly I feel like going back to work (she's a nurse) 1-2 days a week would help out her mental state a great deal. We have talked about this and she agrees, but then there are 15 different roadblocks on why she cant. Who's going to watch the kids, etc. These are all things that can be figure out AFTER she looks for and actually finds a job. I said in no uncertain terms that I am not paying for daycare if you are not working...

I'm rambling on and on here but I'm just not at all satisfied with the life at home and I just don't know what to do. Our life will be completely wrecked if we divorce, but neither of us can stand each other at the moment. I'll severely take it in the shorts financially and neither of us will be able to keep the house we have now it's just not feasible. Part of me just wants to find someone to have an affair with because I have just had enough.

You mention that this has been going on for some time, but you don't mention any consideration on marriage counseling?

Why not?

Counseling is much cheaper than a divorce and better for everyone involved.

Thank you for the response. We previously tried counseling with not much result. My wife would clam up when the conversations started to get uncomfortable. We then both tried to go separately. She blamed all the problems on me - I had one session alone with the counselor and he said in no uncertain terms that we both needed to be there to make any progress. Went back to discuss with the wife and there's 15 roadblocks to why we can't go now (who's watching the kids, etc.). Good point - I'm going to call now to see if they will do a home appointment

Based on your previous post, you've been unhappy in your marriage and have had regrets from day 1.

I agree that you should try counseling as a last ditch effort, but if it doesn't work, proceed with divorce. Nothing has really changed in 6 years. That's a long time to be miserable and you have your whole life ahead of yourself.

Have you told her how serious this has become for you?

Often times the other partner, for whatever reason isn't being objective.

I know in my case things were beyond repair and when I finally said I was done he seemed utterly shocked.

No one was more surprised then me at that point that he hadn't been taking the whole thing seriously?!

Tell her what it's come to. Final attempt to save the marriage is a commitment to counseling on both your parts, and if not. .

it's time to get legal advise

Sounds like severe depression to me. Counseling will only go so far. She may need heavier medication before you can motivate her to do anything else. And her problem might have been amplified by postpartum depression from the pregnancies. It can be a long road to get her back to herself. You probably need to talk to some medical doctors to see what they recommend.

Honestly an affair won't do justice as well I understand your miserable but an affair won't help def try out every last option before divorcing tell her your at the point of divorce try counseling again, and maybe she needs different or stronger medicines!

Just out of curiosity - what type of relationship do her parents have with each other? Does her mom yell and scowl at her dad? I'm just wondering because I just can't imagine her thinking this is all "normal" (unless maybe that was the role model she grew up with?). I'm not trying to scare you - but you are (inadvertently) teaching your kids the same thing - that this is "normal" in a marriage (obviously they don't know the sex stuff, nor should they ever, but the outside of the bedroom stuff).

Frankly, it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive situation.

I agree that it's time for a "last ditch" effort with councilling - but frankly, it sounds like you have been unhappy for quite some time.

Get the councilling quick before you aren't even willing to try anymore. You are almost at that point. Once the "try" goes away, the relationship is done. I think you need to be extremely clear that things cannot continue as they have because you have one foot out the door. It's kind of an emergency, IMO

It sounds like a nightmare. Sorry you are going through this. She sounds skilled (a nurse) and will have to go back to work (too bad) to help support herself should you divorce. So you may have child support/alimony, but child support likely won't bother you so much, because they are your kids. Alimony, from what I understand, is dreaded by the supporting partner. But again, she can't expect a free ride. The marriage isn't that long term. That will be taken into consideration, along with her ability to earn income. She can't just sit around and say woe is me. I suggest you see a lawyer, because this sounds hopeless. I wouldn't last 5 min. in that situation. I am surprised she even allows sex 2x a month.

If she has depression, marriage counseling may not be 100% productive until she gets individual help for that and that may mean temporarily being on medication to help her get out of the rut. Has she also talked to her gynecologist? It could be her hormones have also not gotten back to normal and she could have had post partum depression that just festered as well.

Also, have you hired a babysitter and have you taken your wife out on dates? I know that might not seem very pleasant to you right now -- but do you ever do anything without the kids?