Advice very much appreciated about breakup due to difficulty with my family.

I am really looking for some words of advice about a recent breakup from my partner and fiancee of three years.

My partner and I are both 37 years old. We had never been in a long-term relationship before. She is quite different to me but we hit it off and enjoyed being together. My partner is different to me in that she is far less patient, can be very defensive at times, grumpy, and speaks her mind. I have always felt she is a very vulnerable person and had a terrible childhood and adult life at times in her past. Despite our differences, which she would at times be negative about her personality I wanted to be with her.

Difficultly for me started after my partner started to become part of my family. I come from a very small tight close knit family and have been through a lot tragedy and sorrow with my family in the past. My partner is incredibly different to my mum and sister. At times my family had mentioned that they were worried that my partner was so different to me.

When I moved into a new flat with my partner she had many possessions that had been in storage, which she had warned me about. When her things arrived from storage they almost took over the flat. One time my parents visited they were shocked how much things my partner had and whether she could get rid of some things. I told them that I would help her. My mum often said that she feared my partner had taken over the flat and I had no identity in the flat. I tried to assure my mum that I had chosen many things in the flat.

Further difficulties occurred when the wrong signals started to be picked up by my partner and my family about each other. I had got the balance right wrong between being with my family and my partner on occasions together and they perceived this as a worry that I was drifting away.

On a few occasions, I mentioned to my partner my sister was scared of losing me. I said that I would spend more time with her if I could.

One occasion we had all met at a music festival. My family had mentioned to me alone that they were again worried about me and that I was drifting away. I ten decided that the next day I would spend the whole time with my family and ask my partner to keep her distance. I upset my partner mentioning that and spent half the day with her and then met my family in the afternoon. They were surprised that I had not met them earlier. My partner was alone that evening and had dinner alone. I bumped into her and said hello and then left her alone again. My partner was very upset by this and when we were all as a family watching a music band my partner didn’t speak to my family. They were then confused why she hadn’t talked to her and appeared resentful.

Shortly after this event my mum travelled down the country to visit me. I had told my mum that my partner was upset and we went to buy her some flowers. When we arrived back at my flat my partner was in the bath and I didn’t want to disturb her. My mum wanted to use the toilet and I asked her if she could use a nearby hotel’s toilet. My mum was shocked that I had done that.

Around a year ago my step-father was taken ill and had to be admitted to hospital. He had been admitted a few times before this for kidney stones. Tragically on this hospital visit he was diagnosed with cancer. My partner and I were staying with my family and one evening we all went for a meal at a restaurant. At one point in the meal my mum mentioned that my step-father had asked for all his friends to be around him. I come from a nursing background and those words alarmed and panicked me. I had heard people say those words when they feel they are going to die. I blurted out at the dinner table that those were the words that people say when they feel they are going to die. My mum shouted at me and told me to shut up. She then left the restaurant to go home. When everyone else went home I approached my mum to apologise and tried to explain my mistake at the dinner table. My mum raised her voice and was angry at me. My mum told me that my step-father had been diagnosed with cancer and I was devastated. When I left the room my partner who had been outside the room then approached my mum and raised her voice in anger and defended me in best way she could. My partner and I left the next day and travelled back to where we live.

When my partner and I arrived back home to our flat I was upset and we talked and I told her that I felt that I was bad for her. She was distraught and asked me whether I was breaking up with her. I eventually reassured her that I wasn’t breaking up with her.

My step-father tragically passed away at the start of August. I had the news whilst I was on holiday that my step-father was very ill and deteriorating, so I travelled the long distance straight to the hospital the next day and my partner remained at home for work. My step-father passed away the morning after I had arrived at the hospital and I stayed at home. Later on that week my partner texted me and asked me whether I wanted her to travel to me so that she could support me. I was unsure whether this was the best idea considering the tension that she causes for my family. I asked my mum the next day and she agreed saying that she could stay at home. My mum then mentioned on the day that my partner was travelling that she couldn’t deal with so many people in the house and so she would pay for a hotel.

When my partner arrived my mum had started attending to what needed to be done for my step-father. My sister was very involved and I did not involve myself much with these jobs. I was unsure and stressed about the jobs that needed to be done and spent most of my time by my partner’s side.

At the end of the week my mum decided that we should all go for a day out for a break. I met my mum in town with my partner and said something jokingly about a family friend to try lighten the mood, and my mum was very upset about this. When my mum was alone I approached her (without my partner) and apologised for being insensitive. My mum then angrily said to me that she was incredibly upset that I had not included myself with the family since my step-father passing away, and was instead always trying to keep my partner happy and entertained. This is something I do not believe is true but I always try to make my partner happy.

Further on during the day my partner asked me why I was frowning and I told her in the best way I could what my mum had told me. My partner mentioned that I had made her feel not wanted and a burden. I was so devastated that I had let my family down at this time and spoke to my partner. We sat on a bench alone and I said to her that I felt I was unhealthy for her and she asked me whether I was breaking up with her. I felt that this was the only way to make everything right but eventually reassured her that this wasn’t the case.

Over the next few days my mum mentioned a few days that she was very angry with my partner.

My partner travelled back to our home and I stayed with my family. When the funeral was approaching my partner then asked me whether I wanted her to be there. I was worried about her being there and mentioned this to my mum and she told me that she should come if she wanted to. I told my partner that I would be spending most of the time with my family and might not see her much, and she appeared to accept that.

When my partner arrived I collected her from the train station and we had some lunch. After lunch I talked about what had gone wrong previously and how upset I was. After some more talking, which I can not remember what I said my partner eventually again asked me whether I was leaving her. Again I felt this was the only answer to everything though I did not say this and reassured her that this wasn’t the case and we could move forward and solve everything that had gone wrong in the past.

The funeral service and burial went well. I was so unsure whether I should be with my partner at the gathering, and I got the impression my partner was the same. My sister asked my partner to sit with me at the table with all my family, cousins etc. It went well.

Unfortunately, in the evening a family friend’s elderly mother had a faint and my mum asked me to help the friend and her mum. An ambulance was called and my mum asked me to go as well because they lived alone. I agreed and went to hospital and eventually got home in the late evening. I was surprised to find my partner at home and had expected her to have used a taxi to go back to her hotel I had booked. I found out that my mum had asked her to come back.

In the morning my mum told me that my partner had told everyone at home that my step-father’s brother had told her at the graveside that he was upset that my mum had not mentioned enough of the family in the eulogy. I was shocked by this but not surprised because he had verbally attacked my mother in the past and bullied and conned his brother in the past. My mum was distraught by what she had been told. I was also shocked that my partner had mentioned it. My mum had done her very best at a very difficult time to write the long eulogy and had asked the brother whether he wanted to add anything to which he had declined. My mum was upset because he felt my partner had shot the brother’s bullet at her. I asked my partner what had happened when I met her the next morning to take her to the train station and she said she felt it was something that my mum should know about the brother had been said and that she was sorry it upset her.

A few days after the funeral I found out from my partner that my sister had asked her to remove mention of her travelling back from her ‘father in-laws’ funeral. I had also a text message from my partner’s estranged mum who said she was sorry to hear about my step-father’s passing. I was furious with her mum and told my partner. I didn’t want her mum to hear when my step-father had died because I knew she was manipulative and she had severely wronged my partner many times. My partner eventually found out that a friend of a friend had told her mum after reading on Facebook. This made me even more furious. My partner then proceeded to say that if it wasn’t for our families we could have a decent relationship. She apologised again for causing upset. She said that is was apparent that she should stay away from us all for the time being to allow us to grieve.

My partner then sent a text message that asking me why I told her I ‘think’ I will always love her and mentioned that implied that I didn’t love her anymore. She mentioned that my family had won and that they could have me. This angered me because I had already told her that it wasn’t about my family wanting me for themselves only. I eventually told her that I was exhausted and incapable of anything right then and that I will always love her. She then proceeded to say that my words had a strong sense of finality. I apologised for sounding so negative and mentioned that I felt I had conflict and pressure from all sides and had no energy anymore to fight for everything anymore. Her finally words that night were ‘look after yourself’, so I took it as a break up.

The next message I had from my partner was her asking me whether I was leaving her. I felt that she knew that and did not answer her.

The next day I messaged two of her closest friends and told them that I have had to distance myself from my partner right now and asked them to please watch out for her. They both kindly agreed. One of her friends messaged my partner and mentioned that I needed to have some time out from our relationship. My partner then messaged me and called me a profanity. This made me angry and I told my partner that I thought she had already worked out what was happening. I told my partner that I had to talk to her when I got back from my parents, and she said she thought there didn’t seem like there was anything to talk about anyway and that she will be gone from our flat by the time I arrive back. She told me I had broken her heart and that was worse than if I had died.

I have been very sad about what I had felt the need to do. I feel sad that I feel this is the only way and that things hadn’t been different. In my heart I want to see and feel what it is like away from my partner so that I really find out whether we can really be together again. I do want to give my partner any indication that I feel like I could go back to being together. I don’t want to mess with her emotions.

Please help me if possible.

Thank you!

Unbelievable. You have an incredibly NEEDY family (mostly mom) and an incredibly NEEDY girlfriend! And both are jealous of each other. And both are trying to manipulate you for your love.

Do you think any of the pressure being pushed on you from your family is because you're in your first real gay relationship and they can't handle it? Are you having problems with your partner because this is your first long-term relationship for both of you? Has your family "trained" you to be their emotional "crutch."

I would almost advise you to completely change your life by emigrating to either Canada or Australia and leave the all behind! Or at least reminding your partner that in any relationship inherit your partner's family as well, and that a real partner should be providing emotional support and not making it all about HERSELF!

You do need to take control of the situation by telling mom and your sister that you cannot run their lives for them and tell your partner she needs to stop being immature and whiny! And that you need some love and support at this tough time in your life and you can't deal with their tantrums.