Space after intimacy

I get that it's a thing that needs to happen (well, I am having a hunch) but I'd find it useful to be reminded why? (Is it something to do with continueing to be a person who has their own things going on and doesn't Need the other per se?)

And if I am leaving the space, and the other person is also leaving the space how do we come back together?

We need more details.

Define "space" - total silence? Drastically reduced contact? For how long?

Also, who are the people in question - a couple? Two people casually dating?

I would have thought it was the opposite ... having space AFTER intimacy would make me think the other party was only interested in the intimacy . It should be pulling a couple together not pushing them apart .

Weeell, in this instance. A cute boy who's attracted but already stated a clear boundary around not wanting a relationship (does that mean with me? Does that mean still hurt from the last person? Does that mean relationships are cool, you're cool but I'm way too busy? I'd always assume the first one except he seems all of the interested).

We've been in pretty consistent contact but that's been mostly at my initiation. We've been intimate before too (but, see above about the no dating, puts this in a more ambiguous area. I am polyamorously inclined which means actually, probably, I don't care about the label, what matters is, does this person continue to want to engage with me or not).

So in this instance space to me would be I don't message him first (because I feel like I've been doing that a lot and I'd rather let him come to me).

And he just got in touch. But my generalised trouble with leaving space persists (it feels like a game of chicken to me.) So, interested in peoples thoughts. Wonder if/how often my failure to leave space as snuffed out things that could have been. (But then, when the person has already been enthusiastically into me, the lack of leaving space has not been a problem).

A cute boy who's attracted but already stated a clear boundary around not wanting a relationship

I think this bit tells you all you need to know , you are a fwb to him .

What pippy said. There ARE people who will pull away after intimacy with anyone, whether this is physical or emotional intimacy, and trying to pursue them will push them away even further. But let yourself know that these are people who aren't capable of having secure relationships in the first place.

As you say, someone who's really into you won't be running away from intimacy with you. The guy you mention in the post just isn't that into you for anything other than sex, and if you want more than that then you need to move on and find someone who's on the same page as you.

Weeell, in this instance. A cute boy who's attracted but already stated a clear boundary around not wanting a relationship (does that mean with me? Does that mean still hurt from the last person? Does that mean relationships are cool, you're cool but I'm way too busy? I'd always assume the first one except he seems all of the interested).

 

We've been in pretty consistent contact but that's been mostly at my initiation. We've been intimate before too (but, see above about the no dating, puts this in a more ambiguous area. I am polyamorously inclined which means actually, probably, I don't care about the label, what matters is, does this person continue to want to engage with me or not).

 

So in this instance space to me would be I don't message him first (because I feel like I've been doing that a lot and I'd rather let him come to me).

 

And he just got in touch. But my generalised trouble with leaving space persists (it feels like a game of chicken to me.) So, interested in peoples thoughts. Wonder if/how often my failure to leave space as snuffed out things that could have been. (But then, when the person has already been enthusiastically into me, the lack of leaving space has not been a problem).

In other words, if you pursue, do all the work he might on occasion sleep with you. I'm sorry, but this guy is simply not that into you and he is both showing it and saying it.

Of course since you are into him, it's tempting to make excuses like he is just hurt from the past, he is busy, he is..... Stop wasting your time, because what he actually is, is the wrong guy for you.

Stop wasting your time, because what he actually is, is the wrong guy for you.

*tattoos this to eyelids*

for academic curiosity, what behaviour would indicate being interested in me for more than just fwb? (Fwb, probably, I don't mind that knowing it up front, just means keeeep looking. Booty call is territory I want to stay out of)

And, intimacy normally equalling more closeness not less, I suppose if he were a date, that would be a given. My bad for entering into ambiguous zone. A person who was becoming more into me would want to be in my company right? They'd seek me out.

I think some people need space, others don't. Their reasons vary from not being sure how they feel or what they want to happen, needing some lone time after getting close, or just disinterest. Or something else entirely.

I have always accepted it as a standard thing (a few days tops, they always came back), but with the current guy I am seeing, neither one of us needed it; we had sex for the first time last Saturday.

I don't necessarily believe it's a negative in every situation, if you start hassling him about it, THAT will be a negative.

*tattoos this to eyelids*

 

for academic curiosity, what behaviour would indicate being interested in me for more than just fwb? (Fwb, probably, I don't mind that knowing it up front, just means keeeep looking. Booty call is territory I want to stay out of)

 

And, intimacy normally equalling more closeness not less, I suppose if he were a date, that would be a given. My bad for entering into ambiguous zone. A person who was becoming more into me would want to be in my company right? They'd seek me out.

I think you answered your own question. There is nothing ambiguous about a person being interested in you. They'll want to spend time with you, talk to you, enjoy your company and set up regular dates. They won't shy away from labels, exclusivity, etc. When it's right, you really don't find yourself confused about who or what you are to them. You know and you will feel safe and secure with them.

There's an absolutely fantabulous book, "He's just NOT that into you", which is not only hilarious but all the more so since it's highly accurate. Here are some quotes from it:

But it's very entertaining reading and will tell you everything you need to know!

Here's one of my favourite quotes:

“And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.”

already stated a clear boundary around not wanting a relationship..

he wants to have fun with no attachments.

it could be for many reasons.

Well, in this case, he's taking space and not initiating or setting up dates with you because he already told you he doesn't want a relationship.

You would be best to believe him.

It's an overstated simplistic quote, but very true in most cases `When a man likes you, you will know it'

Those times I am left wondering, they aren't really that into me.

After reading this quote several years ago, it applies. You just know.

I know by the way they look at me, the words they choose and the level of their interest and contact.

If you are left wondering and doing all the heavy lifting, it's a safe bet he's not that into you.

It's an overstated simplistic quote, but very true in most cases `When a man likes you, you will know it'

Those times I am left wondering, they aren't really that into me.

 

After reading this quote several years ago, it applies. You just know.

I know by the way they look at me, the words they choose and the level of their interest and contact.

 

If you are left wondering and doing all the heavy lifting, it's a safe bet he's not that into you.

Agree and I made a promise to myself awhile ago after last RL ended.

If ever I need to head to the internet or some self-help book in order to figure out if some guy is into me, he's NOT the guy for me and will move on.

When it's right it just flows naturally, with very little effort on both sides.

That's not to say that some folks don't need some space from time to time, because many do, but still may be very into you.

In your case OP, agree with the others though, he's already told you where he's at (not wanting a RL), and since you do, best to listen to what he's saying and not write your own love story.

Sorry.

I ended up asking him out right, response was certainly a f*ck yes to being friends, said he'd prefer to forgo intimacy than lose the friendship if it was risking it which made me feel pretty good about the fledgling friendship. (uses this as fuel for the fire that will burn away the last traces of romance hope)

Thank you one and all for your replies, I shall be revisiting this thread to remind myself to settle for nothing less than f*ck Yes to romance!!