Intimacy and sex problems

Hello, I've been married for 25 years. I'm 57 years old and my husband is 63 years old. In the beginning my husband rarely initiated intimacy and sex, however we had kids, work and it didn't really seem a big deal. Now our kids are out of the house and he still doesn't initiate sex. Come to find out he was visiting porn, dating and cheating sites. He even set up a false profile so he could look at women. I found out and he swore he never cheated. I believe he is addicted to porn however he claims he won't do it again and that he loves me

Since I found out he has still not initiated sex. When I did he was not able to perform.

Do I stay in this marriage. He swears he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He won't go to counseling because I'm sure he feels embarrassed. I'm beyond frustrated!

Wow....can I ask how you found out about the sites?

I'm in your same age range, and I gotta tell ya, this is a difficult situation. Unfortunately, the world we are in today is so much different than the world was when you were first dating. The ease of finding other people online is addicting, and it's an extremely common problem.

Have you talked to a counselor alone? I think this would be a great thing for you. A counselor I know said that the issue of one partner secretly visiting sites is one of the biggest issues she deals with today.

I'd be gone.

I know you have been married a very long time, but seriously...Life is too short to waste time and distress on someone who would do that.

What is worse? Being embarrassed with someone you barely know or losing a cherished lifetime partner? You need to utter those words to him and make it clear that the problem is still not fixed and you're on the verge of leaving. If he's not willing to please you, both emotionally and physically, then he doesn't really care.

To be honest - after 25 years and a family, if all else were well in the relationship, I think it's something I'd fight for.

I agree that individual councilling would be helpful if he won't go with you.

Edit: Also to add, no one would blame you for leaving, though

Well, there's many things that could be going on and your husband isn't confiding in you, so it's difficult to know exactly the cause is. I know I find it difficult to talk about embarrassing stuff even with my wife. I don't want to get too graphic but around age 60 men start to lose the ability to have spontaneous erections. Thank God for a Dr. Ruth column I read that explained this because I thought I would soon be losing the ability to have one completely. The other thing is it becomes difficult to keep an erection. (That's where Viagra comes in.) If he's on medication, many, especially blood pressure medicines, hurt your libido or cause the inability to ejaculate. (Doctors don't tell you this either.) It may also take him longer to reach satisfaction. Any of these symptoms could push your husband away from wanting sex or make him want to do it in private by himself. That could explain the porn watching and the fantasies about dating other people. He needs extra effort to achieve climax.

But other than the physical, it could be a lot of other things. For example, he may not be in love with you after all this time, he finds you unattractive, etc.

It's up to you whether you want to leave the relationship and find someone who's interested in you. It's certainly a time in people's lives when they do divorce. You could try having one last talk with him and ask him if he's having trouble. Since this has been a pattern in his life, he may not have had much of a sex drive period.

He is 63 so don't you think a physical and a chat with his doctor might be in order?

If he was getting himself off to porn for an extended time it will take time for him to move past the fantasy and back to a real woman (you).

He does need to step up and put his embarrassment aside and do what ever it takes to make your relationship whole again. Starting with his MD is a good first step.

Instead of you telling him what you want try asking him what he is planning on doing to rebuild the relationship. If he just says he won't look at porn any longer then simply tell him he must not be serious about saving the marriage and get up and walk away. Let him digest that for a while and I bet he will come up with a plan real fast. Remember this is on him, not him following your orders. If it is to be real and lasting he has to decide to do it because he loves you and wants you to be happy and loved.

Lost

I found out because he left his iPad open and there it was. I looked at his browser history and was shocked! Thanks for the advice I appreciate it

You're right. He is on blood pressure and cholesterol medicine. I brought this up with him and he agreed he needs to bring this up with his doctor. Thanks for the advice