Still somewhat obsessed with my ex & feeling of permanence

Hello, community.

I am a 23 year old male and last year I was dating this 22 year old girl that I met through work. We dated for over half a year and broke up around January this year.

A month or two before the break up I was going through difficult times at work and my studies, fell into a bit of depression but couldn't open up to my ex girlfriend and became very distant and she decided to break it off.

At first, the break up didn't hit me that hard and I just went on about my life as usual but as my studies picked up (last year of college) and I could barely handle the pressure, I started missing the support I used to receive from her.

The next couple months were absolute hell for me. I couldn't get her out of my mind, I was absolutely obsessed with her. I constantly ran the moments we used to share through my mind, remembering our times together. Then it got uglier and I started stalking her social media profiles. I could tell I am becoming a psycho and It was a very unhealthy obsession. I decided that it is worth a shot and maybe there is a chance we could get back together, because I just could not take it anymore

Through the next couple months (May to July) we met up a couple times and discussed the issues surrounding the breakup, had some good time together but I could tell she is not interested at all. Even when we texted, it was pretty much a one sided conversation e.g. she'd never ask me any questions not even about how am I doing or how my studies are going. Plus, she was very difficult to arrange a meet up with. Like very.

Finally, I realized that I can not take this anymore and that the only thing I am doing is inflicting more suffering to myself. It took me a couple weeks first since I wanted to see whether she texts me or not, but the first week of August I blocked her from all my social media and deleted her phone number, as I understood that I have to go forward from now on for the sake of myself.

However, this is where I am at now:

- I am studying and working abroad. My social circle is almost non-existent here (although it is a big city) and this is also where I met her, so it feels even lonelier being here without her by my side.

- I still think about my ex a lot. At least a couple times a day, remembering at least something of her (a conversation, a photo or just a moment we shared). Even though, I feel much better than I did in May when I couldn't get her out of my mind 24/7.

- However, If I am distracted, I don't think about her at all (for instance, I went home for a couple weeks and when I was out with my friends, I did not think about her at all)

- I look at that period of time (when we were together) through rose-tinted glasses

- Even though logically I understand that I won't feel this heartache forever, I'll be happy and that one day I'll even be able to see my ex and feel nothing towards her, I still feel like I'm in this state of permanence and that there is no end for this heartache.

-The constant "there won't be another one like her" thought. However, it's not that I am worried about not finding someone as pretty as her, but more to do with not finding someone that I'll have such connection with. But again, logically, I understand that this is just my mind (or heart) playing tricks on me.

There are a couple things that I decided to do for myself e.g. try and enlarge my social circle + I started going to the gym but I still feel very lost. Moreover, it feels "wrong" for me to still have feelings for her even though it been more than half a year since the breakup. I am just looking for some help and suggestions to overcome this situation or just an explanation of why I still feel this way.

OK, so you have to first realize that you are an organism who--like all other organisms--is basically concerned with two things: survival and reproduction. So when she broke up with you, even though you say you still didn't have a very strong reaction initially, your brain basically said "Woah. Our chances of reproducing just took a huge hit. We better figure out where we went wrong here because we can't be having this sort of thing happening." Then your brain decided that the best thing to do for your reproductive success was to try to get her back. That didn't work, so your brain is now basically stuck in a loop of trying to figure out what went wrong again. That's likely why you keep thinking about this and reliving parts of the relationship; your brain thinks it's missing some vital piece of information that it can use to help ensure better success in the future.

When will it stop? You know, it's hard to say. I tend to stay a bit haunted by women who break up with me for a pretty long time myself--longer than 6 months, I can tell you that. Both of my last two ex-girlfriends are still on my mind somewhat--the one from only 5 months ago moreso than the one from over a year ago. It's not anything that dominates my life or anything, just something that pops into my head every so often.

There is a fade effect to this as your brain slowly begins to say "You know, it's probably not really worth it to keep expending energy on solving this one." Meeting someone new can definitely accelerate this.

As for your worry that you won't meet someone else like her--you won't. But that's actually not a problem. You'll connect with the next one in a different way, but it won't be less meaningful.

So I would just keep moving forward, do things that make you happy, and accept that you are going to keep having these pesky thoughts for a while. They'll go away when they go away.

I'm very sorry you're hurting, Tsenk. You won't feel like this forever. I think she was a good girl for you so that's why you're sad; it makes sense. You probably won't feel better until you fall for someone new. And you will, believe me! You found her, you'll find another when you're ready. She won't be the same but it won't matter, you'll love something about her. It's ok to feel sad but keep your head up and keep trying to have fun. At some point you'll forget. I know you don't want to but you will; things will be different a year from now. Best you don't see her to dwell on it. No social media of hers either. Hey, you tried to get her back, you did all you could. Now take care of yourself and go meet people, your next love is waiting!

When will it stop? You know, it's hard to say. I tend to stay a bit haunted by women who break up with me for a pretty long time myself--longer than 6 months, I can tell you that. Both of my last two ex-girlfriends are still on my mind somewhat--the one from only 5 months ago moreso than the one from over a year ago. It's not anything that dominates my life or anything, just something that pops into my head every so often.

First of all, thank you for your reply. This is something that Im struggling with. For the last half a year or so, she's my first thought after waking up and the last thought before falling asleep. I have to admit that Im feeling MUCH better compared to a couple months ago, however some feelings are still there and it feels like there's no end to it. Logically, I do understand that this won't last forever and one day I'll be happy with someone else but I wholeheartedly want to escape this state ASAP. I guess, that's where a part of my struggle - instead of grieving and taking my time, I'm looking for the next "band-aid", a quick solution to my problems. Patience is a virtue

As for your worry that you won't meet someone else like her--you won't. But that's actually not a problem. You'll connect with the next one in a different way, but it won't be less meaningful.

 

I'd say i'm not really worried about ever meeting someone just like her, but rather fear of not ever developing such a connection with anybody else. While its a stupid thought, especially considering that Im so young and have my whole life ahead of me, this is something Im currently dealing with.

I'm very sorry you're hurting, Tsenk. You won't feel like this forever. I think she was a good girl for you so that's why you're sad; it makes sense. You probably won't feel better until you fall for someone new. And you will, believe me! You found her, you'll find another when you're ready. She won't be the same but it won't matter, you'll love something about her. It's ok to feel sad but keep your head up and keep trying to have fun. At some point you'll forget. I know you don't want to but you will; things will be different a year from now. Best you don't see her to dwell on it. No social media of hers either. Hey, you tried to get her back, you did all you could. Now take care of yourself and go meet people, your next love is waiting!

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, we had a great connection. I also believe it hurts so much because at the end of the day, I was the one who got dumped. I know that one day I'll be able to just go on her social media profile and just be happy she's doing okay (ironically, at that point in my life I probably won't feel the slightest need to check up on her). Just want to get over the whole thing quicker and de-attach the emotions from the memories. We had good times and I truly dont mind the memories, however as I said before, there are still strong emotions attached to them so it hurts.

As far as not seeing her - that has been taken care of. As I mentioned in my original post, I blocked her from all my social media. I know I can go and unblock her anytime I want, but I think blocking her ultimately removed all the stalking urges I had. Moreover, blocking her was very symbolical to me - in the spirit of "no looking back". And I could say the healing process started the next second.