I'm no longer into my wife and I'm considering whether or not to divorce her.

I want to preface this with the fact that my wife and I aren't legally married, we were married in an Islamic ceremony, and our marriage is solely based on that, we made a decision to not register our marriage with the Canadian federal government or the province of Québec, because we don't like how the government has regarded marriage and we wanted no part in that. Most of the things that hapoen automatically when one gets married like the ability to make end-of-life medical decisions etc were written into contracts by our lawyer. This doesn't make things within our marriage different, but it means that our potential divorce wouldn't have the courts involved, especially since we agreed to the division of assets and the method of arbitration before we even got married. If you think it's relevant, she's 26 and I'm 24.

So down to what has happened. We've been married for 13 months, and soon after the wedding we found out we were going to have a baby, and we were ectstatic. However, our baby was stillborn, he died before he got one breath of fresh air, which has put a permanent hole in my heart. Two months ago (two weeks after my son died) my wife came home, took off her shirt, and showed me that she had his name tattooed over her heart. I appreciate the sentiment, but one of the first things I asked her when we started seeing one another was if she had any tattoos or piercings outside of her earlobes, and if she planned to get any. She said no, and I explained to her that I do not like tattoos or piercings at all, but especially women because I feel like it detracts from feminine beauty.

Anyhow, I've been really upset about the tattoo and because of the fact that her body is now marked and she won't get it removed, and this is causing me to be less attracted to her. She wanted to start trying to get pregnant again, and I had her keep her shirt on so I couldn't see that tattoo with my son's name on it, and as we were engaged in sex, I realized that I wasn't thinking about her, or having any kind of connection to her at all — I didn't want to kiss her or tell her that I love her or anything like that, I just wanted to finish as quickly as possible so that I could have a chance at getting my son "back" (by getting her pregnant with another boy) and then to stay in the guest room. This went on for a week until I told her that I want her to stop asking for me to come and sleep with her, and since then I've been staying in the guest room

I'm no longer attracted to her body, and it's making my feelings for her less and less. I don't love her anymore. I'm very tolerant of other's bodies, if she had gotten morbidly obese, or lost her leg in an accident I wouldn't feel this way. It's just that she violated one of my big (few) dealbreakers.

I'm still considering whether or not I should try to pull through it and have children with her, or divorce her and get remarried to another woman (which can be fine a few months) and start over.

Please let her go. Marriage is for better or for worse and her reason for getting the tattoo was one of those incredibly unusual and tragic reasons. I get that you don't like tattoos but sometimes incredibly exceptional circumstances like that change people forever. And all she did was get a tattoo - on her chest -not even really visible, right?

To me this is a sign that you might not be the right person right now for a marital commitment given this level of inflexibility.

And while I'm all for the legal institution of marriage -who cares that you're "only" religiously married. You are married.

Have the two of you considered any form of counseling? I have an inkling that this is about more than just the tattoo. The loss of a child can be extremely devastating to a relationship, and it takes effort and patience and love to deal with it.

I realize you feel like she violated one of your dealbreakers, but this is pretty insensitive to not be at least a little flexible on. Do you not love her other than her outward appearance? I mean, she lost her child with the man she loved. Then she got this tattoo so she would not forget the baby. How tragic.

Most people could overlook something like this for a better cause in remembering a baby they loved unconditionally. The fact that you're so apt to wanting to replace your "wife" so soon is also a major red flag. It does seem you were never fully in this marriage, since the tragedy or before that who knows.

Is your wife perfect other than the tattoo, personality wise? Do you both get along well? Would you consider marriage and individual counseling before giving up? There does appear to be something else here, whether it lies in the relationship or the tragedy itself. No one could be so cruel as to end a marriage over this reason.

I had a stillborn child in 1985 and I know the hell a person goes thru when that happens, so I understand how distraught and messed up you are. You are indeed messed up and could seriously use some professional help to learn to deal with the loss of your baby as well as your feelings about your wife and her tattoo. I dont like tattoos either but if my husband had gotten one after our baby died, I'd certainly try to be understanding of his motivation and accept it as part of his healing process. You are not doing that. You are putting yourself ahead of your wife and her obvious misery at losing her child. Please get some help before this goes on any longer. It's hard enough to deal with the death of a child without adding anything else to the mix.

Is this for real? If so, you are a very petty and insensitive individual. The woman loses her child, and you are going to leave her, over a tattoo. WOW.

She deserves a more compassionate and loving man.

This thread is very disturbing.

Is this for real? If so, you are a very petty and insensitive individual. The woman loses her child, and you are going to leave her, over a tattoo. WOW.

 

She deserves a more compassionate and loving man.

 

This thread is very disturbing.

Please note that the OP has lost his child too, and he is now dealing with an incomprehensible series of emotions. Try not to be so harsh - this is e not alone. It's easy to judge if you have not been in that situation.

OP, I agree that individual or couple's counseling will help you with what you are dealing with. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you can save your marriage.

Please note that the OP has lost his child too, and he is now dealing with an incomprehensible series of emotions. Try not to be so harsh - this is e not alone. It's easy to judge if you have not been in that situation.

 

OP, I agree that individual or couple's counseling will help you with what you are dealing with. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you can save your marriage.

I am aware of that, that is why I couldn't believe that he would feel this way, after such a tragic event. They should be consoling each other. Good God, he is already discussing marriage to other women.

People react to loss and grief in radically different ways than us sometimes.

People react to loss and grief in radically different ways than us sometimes.

It doesn't change my position.

It doesn't change my position.

That's true -they do - but how you react is different from how you then choose to treat others. Two different things.

I am going to go against the grain and suggest marriage counseling. You suffered a major loss together.

You say that you don't love her with her body marked like that. Her body *is* forever marked by this -- with stretch marks and other changes that happen when you become a mother. Are you okay with those? A woman who loses a baby goes through grief in a different way than a man does -- the father still grieves severely, but carrying someone inside you and having that connection makes things more intense when you lose a child so quickly after birth.

I don't agree with tattoos myself, but it might be her way of carrying that baby she lost on her body.

I suggest you go to counseling - grief and marital counseling TOGETHER. Give it a shot. Please do not cast this woman aside so callously - she agreed to enter into a marriage with you with no legal marriage, she carried your child, etc...you are treating her as if she cheated on you.

That's true -they do - but how you react is different from how you then choose to treat others. Two different things.

Agreed, so let's advise OP to take the best course of action -- he should see a grief counselor with his wife about this tragic event that has scarred both of them.

also --- marriage is not about how attracted you are to someone on any given day. marriage is a commitment and she is your partner in life -- you should care wore for her wellbeing at such a profound loss rather than casting her aside. Afterall, what if you both were nondrinkers and alcohol was a dealbreaker to both of you and you were out with clients and had a beer. Would she just change the locks on the doors and cast you out? Nope. she would probably just tell you that she wasn't happy with it and you would work it out.

This post makes me furious. And though it is related to a relationship, it is also political.

Legally there is no marriage so it will be a simple separation. I am honestly appalled at what I have read. And it makes me angry.

When people go through a loss such as this, some people want to always remember, and others want to forget as soon as possible. You seem to fall into the latter camp, and your wife seems to fall into the former. And I can see why this would be a difficult time for both of you.

In spite of the fact that it would seem quite easy for you to discard this marriage, I agree that you should try marriage counselling first.

OP - I agree with the posters who think you should consider counselling after such a tragic loss. The eloquent way in which you described your baby's death is heart-rending, and speaks volumes about how deeply this has affected you, whether you want to look at it right now or not. I'm guessing that your feelings of wanting to reject your wife are related to unconscious anger at her for the loss, and you may feel differently if you can process these emotions in a healthy way.

If you attend counselling together, work through these issues and you STILL want to leave her - that's one thing. But feeling this depth of emotion about a tattoo suggests that it's really about something else, and that's what you need to be exploring.

Really sorry to see you're both going through all this.

When I lost my son I was horribly depressed for at least 5 years and my husband never wanted to talk about it again after 2 weeks until maybe last year . Our son has been gone 10 years now.

Don't let this destroy your relationship. We were able to maintain ours by letting each other grieve in our own way . But I have to say you are incredibly unsympathetic .

I feel like some people here are missing the essence of the message here. OP very purposefully attempted to circumvent Canadian legal marriage. He did not call this a common law arrangement, but rather an Islamic marriage. What constitutes a marriage and grounds for divorce are very different within that value system.

It may be awkward to acknowledge this but we have to. What the Canadian law recognizes as grounds for divorce is very different than what his particular religious sect recognizes as a valid grounds. How things are settled is different.

Our laws are there for a reason and meant to protect both parties. She now does not have that protection. He can leave her for not producing a healthy son. I believe the tattoo is a smokescreen.

Again, awkward to put out there, but we can't ignore it. And I sure won't when someone is saying plain as day they do not acknowledge this country's laws regarding marriage.

The timeline for all this seems very rushed.

Don't get her pregnant!

Don't stay with someone you do not love.

Lost

dude, you have some problems if a tattoo is enough to consider divorce.

Seriously. You need some sort of therapy or a good honest talk with someone. It's just a piece of ink on the body. You don't stop loving someone over it.

That's ridiculous and reveals there's a lot going on that you

a) you don't realize about yourself

b) you refuse to realize about yourself

Either way, you need serious help and your wife deserves better.