New break up - any advice/hope?

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago. We have not talked once since she ended things -- just a series of passive aggressive text messages every day.

I hurt her badly. I was caught using a dating app and texting with one person. I never met this woman or talked to her on the phone however we did exchange text messages that were flirty and/or sexual in nature for about 5 days over 6 weeks ago. I never thought anything of it at the time realizing my intentions were to just "chat" and never meet her for any reason. After a few days we stopped texting and I never thought about it again. Then several weeks after not hearing from this woman she found a way to access my private social media account - she saw older pictures with my girlfriend and I. She text me suggesting she would contact my girlfriend. Sure enough several days later she did contact my girlfriend and shared screenshots of my texts.

I know what I did is very wrong and feel awful. I also think this woman is a complete maniac and clearly has some personal issues that she was seeking "retribution" on through me.

Now I want my girlfriend back and not sure how to go about this at all. I screwed up twice though -- once through the act of texting this woman and second by denying it over and over via text. I just wanted the opportunity to explain myself and apologize over the phone or in person. Finally after about 5 days I admitted to it via text, seeing I was likely not getting my conversation anytime soon.

I've sent flowers, gifts and paragraph long texts begging for forgiveness and apologizing. I've literally put my girlfriend on a pedestal and treat her well (with the exception of this stupid episode). Unfortunately she lives far away -- 6 hour drive or I would have attempted to see her in person.

Any advice from the group? I feel like we continue to go in circles via text message -- she will tell me she loves me every other day or so but then I also receive texts that she can never trust me again, I'm free to see whoever and that she is hurt. I think it's reasonable that she is hurt.

Should I just stop texting to force her to make a decision on whether or not she wants to forgive me and talk? Thanks

Sorry mate, I don't believe you. If you want to 'just chat' with another person, you don't do it on a dating app. If you are in a relationship, you shouldn't even be looking at dating apps at all. There are plenty of people on facebook, or whatever Social media you use) that you could have chatted to, and on a dating app you have to get to a certain point before you can even chat with them anyway.

And then you lied about doing it.

Walk away from this, and leave her alone. She, and no doubt, all of her friends see that you have been caught redhanded in the act of preparing to cheat. Chalk this up as a lesson learnt and move on.

keyman is right again. you're in the wrong so just walk away.

The whole fact you where sexting with another girl and setting up an affair (perhaps unconsciously) could be a symptom that you weren't really satisfied with your relationship. Otherwise, you wouldn't have felt the need to do that, not at all. What you did should also make you reflect about what you want. You say that you'd go to her... if she wasn't six hours drive away. I think that if you really loved her, you'd embrace those six hours and try anything to get her back.

As for your ex girlfriend, well, you betrayed her trust big time. It's understandable if she doesn't want to hear from you anymore. You may or may not be able to convince her, but once the seed of distrust has been planted it's very hard to eradicate.

First of all, the other woman is not a maniac. She is a woman who was probably suspicious about you, did a little digging (not hard when you're on a dating app, OP) and decided to let your girlfriend know who her boyfriend really is. You can't really claim she has personal issues when you're the one using a dating app while in a relationship, my friend.

Second, you asked your ex for the opportunity to explain yourself. What is your explanation? As far as I can see, you don't have one. You claim you don't know why you did it, so why the heck would your ex believe you wouldn't do it again? How can you solve a problem you claim not to know the source of? So ask yourself again and be honest this time: why did you do it? Were you bored, seeking attention, checking out of your relationship? People have motivations behind their actions. You didn't just start messaging another women without having idea what was happening.

Third, this one "stupid episode" has changed the way your ex will look at you from now on. I speak from experience. You've just turned her sense of security and trust completely upside down, and also showed her that you don't know how to take responsibility and man up. (given that you denied for days on end) All the great things you did for her before and the good memories she has of you are now tainted. Yes, she will think about the good moments but it will hurt her like hell when the painful memory of you sneaking around on a dating app comes back to kick her in the teeth.

So, don't try to "force" her to come to a decision. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to, but trying to push her into deciding now? Aw, hale no, buddy. You don't have the right. Clearly, you don't get what a betrayal like this does to someone. She is too conflicted to make that choice right now. It's been 5 days since she got the full truth. That's nothing. You need a huge dose of patience if you really want to reconcile. Let her know that you don't wish to pressure her, and that you would love the chance to make it up to her if and when she is ready. This is in her court now, not yours.

But, I agree with Keyman. I think you were absolutely looking for side action and you got busted. You need to grow up, OP, with all due respect. You shouldn't have a dating app in the first place.

I've been in your position before. First you need to take full responsibility that you messed up and give a sincere apology. Sounds like you have already done this. Let her know that you will give her space and would love another chance if she ever changes her mind. Then give her space and work on yourself, become a better version of you. She may not give you another chance. When she contacts you answer and be nice and dont fight with her, let her be mad. She may cool down over time and give you another chance but may not, it's completely up to her. I'm sorry that you are both going through this I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

Thank you to those offering advice rather than a subjective judgement shaded in your own personal life experiences. I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond with opinions.

I know I am absolutely in the wrong - no question. I also know that I am human and people make mistakes. I never claimed to be perfect to my girlfriend and hold her to the same metric as well. I personally feel that forgiving those we love is part of being in love with someone. This situation is bad but nothing emotional or physical was established - despite the projections of telling me I was "going to meet this person". I can assure you that I was not planning to meet anyone.

I think I will let things cool down for a few days and drive to her in an attempt to talk in person.

First of all, the other woman is not a maniac. She is a woman who was probably suspicious about you, did a little digging (not hard when you're on a dating app, OP) and decided to let your girlfriend know who her boyfriend really is. You can't really claim she has personal issues when you're the one using a dating app while in a relationship, my friend. .

No. Really. If you text someone for a few days and said person stops replying, it's not normal to "be suspicious" and do "a little digging". That's called insecure, unhinged and unable to accept rejection. No sane individual would go to this length of "digging" and seek out their own version of justice unless they were projecting their own issues. What is I were married with children? Had a sick partner? Sure I'm a jerk for my actions but this does not make someone a martyr for causing TWO people pain and suffering over something as innocent as text messaging.

The life lesson learned here is someone was looking out for me that I never actually crossed paths with this unhinged maniac or anyone who thinks similar.

If your X posted on here about what you did, and asked if she should go back to you. I would say that there are only two options.

1. You forgive completely.

2. You dont.

If she cant forgive you then she shouldnt be in a relationship with you. That means YOU can not convince her that what you did was a mistake or that you will never do it again or you learned your lesson or whatever. In your post you gave every excuse "Im human, I never said I was perfect" then you turn it around and say "I personally feel forgiving those we love is part of being in love". But you never answered her question as to Why you did it. You could of said, "I love the attention, made me feel attractive, I thought she was hot, I thought I could get away with it" or whatever you were thinking while you were texting her. But you gave lines from a movie instead.

Her trust in you is damaged and if its beyond repair only she can answer. What would be best for her is to leave you and find another guy because it would be easier to deal with your trust issues. You made mistakes, that is undeniable. But you cant correct a mistake. She either has to forgive or not. Until that happens, nothing you can do but wait. She knows what you want, but understand you really really hurt her. Getting her back wont teach you a single thing to be honest. It would be a matter of time before you do it again. Just be single for a while. Get that our of your system.

Forget about her.. it doesn't matter if she's a maniac or not. You are the guilty party here and I say that not because I'm putinh you down but it's important not to justify this to yourself or you'll do it again. Nobody knows what will happen with the GF but at least learn from this

I would ask her if you can meet to talk in person and then offer to drive to see her. Just remember that you can't make her do anything and you can't pressure her. Whatever she decides to do you have to accept- if she wants space give it, if she wants time give it, if she never wants to talk to you again then don't... it's the same as with any break up. Just learn from your lesson and do better in the future, we all mess up sometimes and all you can do is learn from it. There's no use of people saying well you should have not done it because it's already done. You're already more mature and smarter person now and that's a good thing. Hopefully you can show her that you have learned and if she is able to forgive then you will be very lucky and will do better. If she doesn't forgive you will still be okay and you will be better for lessons learned and will use that in future relationships. Also keep in mind she is still very mad so might need more time before she is ready to talk to you or see you.

No. Really. If you text someone for a few days and said person stops replying, it's not normal to "be suspicious" and do "a little digging". That's called insecure, unhinged and unable to accept rejection. No sane individual would go to this length of "digging" and seek out their own version of justice unless they were projecting their own issues. What is I were married with children? Had a sick partner? Sure I'm a jerk for my actions but this does not make someone a martyr for causing TWO people pain and suffering over something as innocent as text messaging.

 

The life lesson learned here is someone was looking out for me that I never actually crossed paths with this unhinged maniac or anyone who thinks similar.

Oh, please. You're behaving as though she cut out letters from a newspaper and mailed your ex a creepy note with your picture glued to it.

She probably wanted to know who exactly she was messaging, did a search and bingo. Busted. If you really believe many women on dating apps don't do a preliminary search for the guy they're talking to (for this very reason) then you don't understand the precautions many women take. A lot of people in OLD do this, so they can rule out men who are married or taken and looking to cheat. Do you think you were that hard to track down on social media? Clearly, you're not. You just didn't hide it very well.

Your anger is misplaced because you got caught with your pants almost down.

But you claiming she is unhinged for revealing something "as innocent as text messaging" very much emphasizes the point that you still don't get it. Your words just revealed an awful lot about your true comprehension of how much hurt you have caused.

I can't argue with anything you are saying -- agree totally. To be honest I did eventually explain to her that I was feeling a little bored lately. She has a tendency to be somewhat self absorbed and wasn't paying much attention to my needs, life etc. I failed to mention that in the first post and also waited for days to explain it to her. I didn't want to hurt her (more than I already have) and wanted to explain through conversation.

I don't understand the text banter and passive aggressive tone however. Why not just talk? It's almost as if she relishes in the drama and sympathy.

Sounds advice. I would be much better off asking her to see me rather than just "showing up". That seems pushy and kind of creepy.

Sincerely appreciate your advice. I honestly have learned something from this and understand I am wrong in this situation.

I can't argue with anything you are saying -- agree totally. To be honest I did eventually explain to her that I was feeling a little bored lately. She has a tendency to be somewhat self absorbed and wasn't paying much attention to my needs, life etc. I failed to mention that in the first post and also waited for days to explain it to her. I didn't want to hurt her (more than I already have) and wanted to explain through conversation.

 

I don't understand the text banter and passive aggressive tone however. Why not just talk? It's almost as if she relishes in the drama and sympathy.

Because she's hurt like hell, OP, and is lashing out in pain. She doesn't want to talk to you directly right now.

OK. We can agree to disagree. Personally, I hope to avoid people that feel this is normal behavior.

1. Two people text for a few days to a week

2. One person stops texting

3. Several weeks (6 weeks) go by and unhinged party "researches"

4. Finds information that they don't like

5. Reach out in a fit of rage to hurt two complete strangers

Yea totally normal - no motive here. Please tell me you are NOT a defense attorney.

Most people I would venture to guess, walk away and get on with their life when someone stops texting them...

This is actually helpful. I was hoping by giving her a chance to vent that somehow I was helping my cause. I also assumed that hearing from her in some capacity was better than no contact.

I think now my only play is going no contact and seeing if she can truly be happy with her decision to cut me out of her life.

Yes she is hurt and probably very confused about her feelings towards you. She probably does love you but is so hurt and not sure if she can forgive you or if you will do it again. That's something she has to go through on her own unfortunately. It's a good thing you both have space now. The same thing happened with me and my ex but instead we went through this while living together and seeing each other daily and it was hell for both of us since I had cheated and he was very hurt and hurting me back

OK. We can agree to disagree. Personally, I hope to avoid people that feel this is normal behavior.

 

1. Two people text for a few days to a week

2. One person stops texting

3. Several weeks (6 weeks) go by and unhinged party "researches"

4. Finds information that they don't like

5. Reach out in a fit of rage to hurt two complete strangers

 

Yea totally normal - no motive here. Please tell me you are NOT a defense attorney.

 

Most people I would venture to guess, walk away and get on with their life when someone stops texting them...

The irony? Your behaviour caused all of this. I stand by my assertion that your anger is totally misguided and completely beside the point. Other than that, I'm not really bothered if you agree or disagree.

But your passive-aggressive tone and lack of true personal accountability hint at the level of immaturity I suspect caused you to make these bad choices in the first place. Take this as a life lesson OP. When you play with fire, you are likely to get burnt.

Getting your back up and lashing out to a stranger online makes zero difference to your cause here. Accepting responsibility and understanding how damaging your choice was will, though. Your call.

Sorry you went through a difficult time. I appreciate you sharing your experience and also advice as well.

I just have a different philosophy about life in general. I've been cheated on before - it suck for sure. I also see life in simple terms now; if I love someone and they love me I feel like you can work anything out. Call me incredibly naive or maybe I have lost loved ones to sickness and death which makes me now overlook resentment and personal grudges but it honestly has made me a better person. I used to be very spiteful and seek revenge -- it was an ugly trait.

I get it. You're projecting again because this is the type of behavior that either a. you have displayed or b. would display given the "opportunity".

It's unhinged. Just because I stated a fact does not mean I recuse myself from personal responsibility. I agreed already that my actions alone caused this mess and pain. However, nonetheless it doesn't warrant or somehow validate this woman's actions as "normal".

She had a motive. I'm not qualified to speculate on the reason and frankly I don't care. Still unhinged.