NC out of the blue? Or write a message about it?

Hello there....

OK, we all know that NC has benefits for people who broke up and want their ex back.

But some sites state that it's best to leave your ex a message before you go into NC, something like:

"Hi, I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready."

Or at least stating that you're moving on and wish him all the best.

The reasoning bring it might help to be friendly and respectful about it rather than going NC out of the blue which may seem childish and petulant to him. But on the other hand, the latter doesn't give the ex closure and it's more mysterious.

The reason why I ask this is because I went into NC out of the blue after my ex of 5 years told me he's moving on with another girl. Now he texted me frustratedly telling it's strange I don't contact him, he asks: are we now just going to be strangers? He asks me to be friends but in a very pushy way. I think he's quite angry now I went into NC.

I'm just wondering whether I did the right thing by going nc out of the blue. My last text to him was: I hope you're well and happy.

What do you guys think?

i think you should stay NC and block him.

he went elsewhere and you have a chance to move on. do not engage him in conversation of any shape or form.

Thanks, Knight! But if I do want to make a chance with him, do you think it's a good thing that I went NC out of the blue? I start to regret it a bit as he seems to be a bit angry about it. But I know I should stand strong... if I agree to become friends, I'll probably be used as a doormat..

I heard that advice as well, many years ago when I was going through a breakup and trying to find ways to get my ex back...so if someone was to give me that line now, I would know it's just a standard line and not the way they truly feel about things, in fact it would make me think quite the opposite. So no, I wouldn't use it because chances are most people know about it by now.

As for your ex, there may be a possibility that it's not you going NC that is making him angry, it may be that the new girl he had in mind isn't really working out and he wanted to make sure he still had you to fall back on, if things really go sour with her. If that's the case, even if you get him back now, he will do the same thing next time he meets someone new.

I am one to give chance after chance to an ex, if I really want him back; however if i knew 100% that the reason I got dumped was for him to pursue another woman, there would be no more chances because my ego couldn't cope.

It's up to you, and it depends on how badly you want him back. But I do think you are on the right track as it is, and maintaining NC is the best course of action for you.

My opinion is that you made the right thing to go into NC out of the blue. It would have been the right thing even if you had told him beforehand, but if you felt like starting NC all of sudden, then so be it. In situations like these I think we should do whatever makes us feel better, with little or no concern for what the dumper thinks/feels.

"Hi, I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready."

Not to be cruel , but if I dumped someone and they sent me that ^^^^ I would laugh honestly .. I dump because I don't want that person in my life , it is done , over , so to then receive a message asking me not to contact *him /her and he will be in touch .. It is ridiculous ..The sites that recommend all this rubbish are getting people to make a plan of action to get someone back using mind games ...

The only way anyone will ever come back is if they , on their own , go away and realise they made a mistake ..this could take months and months and usually one of the parties has moved on , or slept with someone new and they just can't gel it all back together .

Being friends with someone who dumped you just gives them a slow easy exit out , while you /we are sat hanging on every word and every move they make , they are moving on and don't even get the chance to miss you . Besides ...why should they get the pleasure of a friendship , you will see that when you are over him .

It's up to you, and it depends on how badly you want him back. But I do think you are on the right track as it is, and maintaining NC is the best course of action for you.

Well he dumped me for her because we were LDR and it took me too long to commit. It wasn't because of a lack of love.

But if I want to stand a chance, when do I react to him (assuming that he keeps on texting and trying)? Some people say he first needs to get really angry and then break because he think he lost me for good? In that case I should let him get through the anger and hope that afterwards he comes back with regret... if that's what he wants.

So many people, so many opinions...

If he's moving on with another woman, who the heck cares if he's angry?

OP, you have to do what's in your best interests here. As long as he's dating her, being in touch with him is not smart. It's going to delay your healing while he's playing footsie with someone else. Going NC out of the blue or not doesn't make a lot of difference here, because it doesn't change the bottom line: he left for another.

I would only say that he should get in touch if he is single and wants to talk about reconciliation. Period.

Not to be cruel , .... .

Pippy I loooove your cruelty/honesty! What I need in this phase are some unsalted frank opinions. I feel strong right now, being in nc, but still I read all those sites and it's a jungle of advises.

But what I learnt so far is this:

- NC is your friend

- becoming friends is a bad idea as you'll get friendzoned for whatever reason

- sex with your ex is also a really bad idea hahaha

What else have you all learnt?

I think your reply is fine, but I would leave out the parts that say not to contact you or that you'll contact him. Those are bookends that position YOU to be the one to start contact. I wouldn't go there. I'd just say that contact isn't good for me right now, and best wishes. If he responds, I wouldn't answer, as 'not good' says all I'd care to say.

My bias is that I don't believe in playing friendzies with an ex beyond raising shared children--ever. It's messy and prevents healing and interferes with your ability to start a new relationship when you're ready. Nobody I know would date someone who's still in contact with an ex. Period.

Head high, and consider a private goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for yourself. That's your percentage play, because if ex ever wants to reconcile he'll have no trouble letting you know, and otherwise, you speed your healing--and that's a win/win, no matter how you slice it.

Pippy I loooove your cruelty/honesty! What I need in this phase are some unsalted frank opinions. I feel strong right now, being in nc, but still I read all those sites and it's a jungle of advises.

 

But what I learnt so far is this:

- NC is your friend

- becoming friends is a bad idea as you'll get friendzoned for whatever reason

- sex with your ex is also a really bad idea hahaha

hahha yep ^^^^^ that's it in a nutshell

The thing is actually, before I went into NC I texted him: ''I hope you're well and happy''.

I now realize that my message essentially said the same thing. That I'm accepting what is and wish him well.

I didn't use the same words but the message is the same. He is an adult so I'm pretty sure he can understand why I'm not contacting him.

Pfff.... indeed, he finished things with ME, HE went on with another woman!

If anyone has a right to be angry it's ME!

Asking me to be BEST of friends.... whahahaha

It is your breakup. I think that you should do what you need to get over this relationship and get to a good place. I will say that I went NC out of the blue after getting tired of some of the things the ex-gf who dumped me was doing. (Side note: calling up your ex and expecting him to provide emotional support when the dude you dumped him continues to be exactly the jerk he always was should be considered a crime against humanity). I maintained NC through several attempts on her part to get back together. I never regretted the decision to go NC or the decision to ignore attempts to get back together but I do kind of wish that I had told her the reason that I was going NC. You should assume that you will never get another chance to say those things. If you don't feel like there is anything that YOU need to say for YOUR peace of mind then pull the switch and walk away. You owe him nothing, so just worry about what you owe yourself.

He also sent me another weird text (we were LDR): I'm moving to europe, and I may be closer to you. Weird, right? Trying to give me hope? I don't get it...

He also sent me another weird text (we were LDR): I'm moving to europe, and I may be closer to you. Weird, right? Trying to give me hope? I don't get it...

"If you move closer and decide that you want to shoot for a long term relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

Thanks, catfeeder! If you would reply to his text asking to be friends, what would you reply? He asked me to please acknowledge his request. I agree with everyone that being friends is not a good idea for the time being.

Nevertheless, although it's good to know what to answer in due time, should it be necessary, but for now NC is still my best friend.

Thanks, catfeeder! If you would reply to his text asking to be friends, what would you reply? He asked me to please acknowledge his request. I agree with everyone that being friends is not a good idea for the time being.

 

Nevertheless, although it's good to know what to answer in due time, should it be necessary, but for now NC is still my best friend.

"I cannot be friends right now, and I'm sure you can understand why."

Thanks, catfeeder! If you would reply to his text asking to be friends, what would you reply? He asked me to please acknowledge his request. I agree with everyone that being friends is not a good idea for the time being.

 

Nevertheless, although it's good to know what to answer in due time, should it be necessary, but for now NC is still my best friend.

"I cannot be friends right now, and I'm sure you can understand why."

While I like this, I'd omit "right now," because it implies future acquiescence to playing friendzies against your own best interests. That's not exactly a demo of self respect.

I'd skip over the suggestion of friendship with: "Should you ever decide that a fully committed relationship is something you'd like to pursue with me someday, you know how to reach me. Short of that, I wish you the best."

It makes no sense to keep yourself in limbo for scraps. Time and distance and complete removal of yourself from an ex's radar are your best friends. You'll see this more clearly over time, and you'll thank yourself.

Head high.

Some people say you should agree to bring friends but actually just be friendly and brief, and be hardly available. So to say one thing, but do the other..