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Thread: Wife health issues and inlaws

  1. #1
    Sblackford

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    Wife health issues and inlaws

    Hello dear reader (thanks so much in advance. This is pretty lengthy)

    My wife and I have 2 children. 3 and 1 yrs. I love my family dearly and would do anything for them. Im a hard headed former Marine with a degree in Computer Science. I believe that everyone you meet in life is a teacher in one way or another. I come from a dysfuctional family (not a lot of affection in either direction) but otherwise well adjusted.

    Recently, I asked her 2 sisters and mother on their stance about CPAP machines for wifes sleep apnea. I noticed after some time in our relationship that she would snore and quit breathing during sleep. I urged her to goto a sleep study where she was diagnosed.

    A few years pass. My wife has not been wearing the machine mask even with occasional reminders. Recently studies have shown actual white matter brain death from low oxygen levels due to the apnea. This caused me to be more sincere with my desire for her to wear it sooner rather than later. I asked the inlaws in a group text (wife included) against my wife's advice their stance on my wife refusing to use the machine.

    The answers were astounding: the mother outright denied any health issues more than once. She is very supersticious in general. The two sisters said verbatum "patients have rights" and that she has no obligation to wear the mask (even as the mother of 2 small kids not to mention wedding vows and all?). They began to berate me saying I have low self esteem, I am pathetic, and abusive. I am none of these things. I asked them if they were fine with the progressive brain damage and linked the study. They said how dare I accuse them of not caring about their sister/daughter and that the cause of her health issues is actually ME!

    My wife has a few health problems. In the beginning, i discovered symptoms of PCOS which none of her doctors even considered her having until I went with her (then GF) and told the doctor my concerns. They then did some tests and it turned out my suspicions were correct. We were able to have two beautiful daughters after the treatment! My wife was certain she was permanently sterile before this. I also pushed her to go to the doctor to get thyroid hormones checked. She was diagnosed with Thyroiditus and takes medication for it.

    I have no medical training, I was just lucky to see all the symptoms and put 2 + 2 together. My wife is not very health conscious and so did not think to link symptoms to disease, which I understand.

    The inlaws never really tried to get to know me since i came into the family 7 years ago. My wife says they think I am weird because I seem more "intelligent" (im no dummy but hardly an intellect!) than they are used to. This is weird because both sisters are college educated and so are their husbands.

    They all commented on my race the very first time they met me. It was the first thing out of one sister's mouth, actually. They make snide remarks about me (in jest my wife says, doesnt feel like it) every once in a while too. I either ignore it or give one right back and thisndoes not feel like banter mind you.

    They are also irate that I am also encouraging my wife to lose 20 to 30 pounds. I believe (as well as the endocrinologist we saw) that losing this weight will have beneficial affects not only for her thyroid, but the PCOS and the apnea. One sister says she is "like a plus size model" and beautiful the way she is.

    I met my wife when she was overweight. I like em with some meat. Wink wink. After the health issues became evident, I told my wife directly that she was overweight and must lose weight for her health during an argument (a few, actually) and the inlaws found out. I have been an evil man ever since. I deserve nothing in their eyes and they told my wife they support her if she wants a divorce (she doesn't). She says she wants to get healthier. I think the family is giving her counter-advice and slowing her down.

    A little history: My wifes mother used to choke and hit her growing up. One of her sisters "disowned her" for like 7 years. Her father has NEVER seen my kids and he lives 10 minutes away in the same house as wifes mother. He has been involuntarily admitted at least 3 times for alcoholism. The other sister took advantage of her for years and has never returned the favors. The mother wants like $60k from her and demands she give her the house. This because she put 20k down on the house.

    Even so, the mom still would babysit her grandkids and we all get together on holidays.

    The wife basically forgives them for all of this history and says I should apologize to them for the group text i sent asking about the CPAP because they interpreted it as an assault against the entire family.

    Now they won't even babysit our kids because they are mad at me about the text.

    What is your take on this whole situation? Am I a monster as they say? Is the family right?

    Am I in the twilight zone?

    My theory is that the family is HIGHLY manipulative and just plain toxic but my wife doesn't see it that way because they have "fun" during superficial gatherings.

    As I said, the inlaws and I have never really spoken beyond casual convo. They just are not interested in opening up.

    So, I can only infer from what I see.
    Last edited by Sblackford; 08-21-2017 at 01:11 AM.

  2. #2
    Hollyj
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    I do not understand why you are bringing the nutty family into this?

    Why won't she wear the mask?

  3. #3
    Sblackford

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    She won't wear it because it is uncomfortable. I sent the text because in my head I was expecting them to encourage her to wear it after they learned about the possibily of brain damage.

    Edit: she is wearing it tonight for the first time in 3 years, which i am very happy about. Not sure jow long it will last.

    Still, what about that family?

  4. #4
    shellyf62
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    It sounds to me like you see your wife as a project to fix. You seem to be totally fixated on her health issues.

    If my Brother in law sent me a group message about my Sister's health problems I would tell him to mind his own business & leave me out of it.
    Also telling your wife she is overwight is cruel

    You sound like a dominating husband who needs to realise he isnt perfect !!!

  5. #5
    Hollyj
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    I think that the support should come from her doctor, not this mixed up family. The doctor needs to be clear, regarding the risks of the condition.

  6. #6
    maritalbliss86
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    I feel for you.

    Weight issues aside, you married her and were attracted to her even though you knew she had weight problems. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel attracted to her, I'm just trying to point out that you **married** her knowing that she was overweight and probably going to have health issues down the line during your marriage due to the weight. Maybe not consciously, but I'm sure if your lifetime you've probably heard all about how being overweight tends to lead to health issues right?

    Anyway, I'm so sorry she won't consistently use the sleep apnea mask. You are 100% right that losing weight would help her health problems, but the problem you have right now in your marriage is that it's highly likely she's not going to change. And remember, you married her this way. It's very hard for adults to change unless it's their idea or motivation for themselves. If she doesn't want to wear the mask consistently, it's going to be very hard to get her to see she should.

    Is it selfish what she's doing to you and her kids? Yes. It really is. At some level, you need to probably accept the fact that she just doesn't care. Not losing weight when it's obvious that it's going to negatively affect you and your husband and ESPECIALLY your children, is very selfish.

    A marriage should not be built on selfishness of a person's "rights." She has obligations and duties to YOU and to her children to be the best wife and mother she can be to you all. It is selfish for her not to care about her health when she has dependents that need her. She made vows to be there for you and support you and be a good wife to you. It is not being a good wife to allow herself to deteriorate and become brain damaged just due to not caring enough

    As for her family... I'm so sorry. They *should* be more concerned with her health, but see it for what it is and please just cut your losses. Don't bring the issue up again and try to make peace with them if you can - if they "allow" it.

    Good luck!

  7. #7
    Sblackford

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    Quote Originally Posted by shellyf62 [Register to see the link]
    It sounds to me like you see your wife as a project to fix. You seem to be totally fixated on her health issues.
    I would prefer that my wife and mother of my two children not succumb to brain damage, actually. Do you think that this effort is a project for me? It is what you typed afterall.

    If my Brother in law sent me a group message about my Sister's health problems I would tell him to mind his own business & leave me out of it.

    Also telling your wife she is overwight is cruel
    I find that pretty heartless of you, to be honest.

    Calling someone overweight may be cruel to you, but it is also a medical condition and termed as such. When it is causing multiple health issues and fixing it may reverse the effects, I do not believe such phrase used without malice or ill intent is necessarily cruel even if uttered in the heat of the moment. Do you think the word "overweight" or "fat" or "obese" is inherently evil and are you yourself overweight?

    You sound like a dominating husband who needs to realise he isnt perfect !!!
    Do you think I am domineering because i do not want my wife to suffer brain damage or have continuing health issues? Or are you referring to perhaps the way I am doing it? Domineering implies a negative goal. Do you think it is a negative thing to want to prevent brain damage of a mother?
    Last edited by Sblackford; 08-21-2017 at 01:54 AM.

  8. #8
    Sblackford

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    The main issue with this is that she doesn't keep up with the doctor visits. She is too busy (we both work). I have let her know many times it is okay if she stops working to work on her health issues and her own study. She never takes up the offer.

  9. #9
    indea08
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    I think your concerns are valid...however, you can gripe at her until you're blue in the face. If she doesn't care enough to be healthy, nothing is going to make her abide by doctors orders. I will say, you should've left her family out of it. If they were reasonable people with her best interest at heart, by all means, recruit them to encourage and support her. But they aren't. They're whack jobs with a warped sense of reality based on your description.

    Just a suggestion related to the cpap, a lot of patients find them overwhelming. They can make people feel claustrophobic, and if you're not used to sleeping with it, it doesn't feel comfortable. Maybe talk with her doctor and ask if nose pillows would be sufficient for her OSA. It works the same way as a cpap, only it covers the nostrils as opposed to half her face. It's slightly more manageable.

  10. #10
    Sblackford

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    Quote Originally Posted by maritalbliss86 [Register to see the link]
    I feel for you.

    Weight issues aside, you married her and were attracted to her even though you knew she had weight problems. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel attracted to her, I'm just trying to point out that you **married** her knowing that she was overweight and probably going to have health issues down the line during your marriage due to the weight. Maybe not consciously, but I'm sure if your lifetime you've probably heard all about how being overweight tends to lead to health issues right?
    Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought of the health issues down the road, back then. She is not obese or morbidly obese by medical definition, but the extra 60 or so lbs is critically detrimental it seems.. but now that you mention it I cant believe I never did, actually. Just goes to show you what love does to you.


    Anyway, I'm so sorry she won't consistently use the sleep apnea mask. You are 100% right that losing weight would help her health problems, but the problem you have right now in your marriage is that it's highly likely she's not going to change. And remember, you married her this way. It's very hard for adults to change unless it's their idea or motivation for themselves. If she doesn't want to wear the mask consistently, it's going to be very hard to get her to see she should.
    Thank you. She has started going to the gym consistently for about 3 weeks now. I believe that she is ready to change, at least someone begrudgingly.



    Is it selfish what she's doing to you and her kids? Yes. It really is. At some level, you need to probably accept the fact that she just doesn't care. Not losing weight when it's obvious that it's going to negatively affect you and your husband and ESPECIALLY your children, is very selfish.
    I can't give up yet though. I can not let the children suffer. It breaks my heart to think of her dying too soon before the kids are grown up.

    A marriage should not be built on selfishness of a person's "rights." She has obligations and duties to YOU and to her children to be the best wife and mother she can be to you all. It is selfish for her not to care about her health when she has dependents that need her. She made vows to be there for you and support you and be a good wife to you. It is not being a good wife to allow herself to deteriorate and become brain damaged just due to not caring enough
    I could not have said it better.

    As for her family... I'm so sorry. They *should* be more concerned with her health, but see it for what it is and please just cut your losses. Don't bring the issue up again and try to make peace with them if you can - if they "allow" it.
    Thanks. Im definately never doing anything like this again. Lesson learned. An "apology" might be in the future, but I'd really be grinding my teeth agaist morality and integrity.
    Last edited by Sblackford; 08-21-2017 at 02:27 AM.

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