Is he rebounding?

I broke up with my boyfriend only 9 weeks ago and I just found out that 2 weeks after we split, he started seeing someone new. This girl he is now sigh has known socially since march this year and I found out they had been spending more time together (he later told me he had developed feelings for her towards the point of our break up - we hadn't been working for a long time).

Then, after only a month of being together (6 weeks post break up) he declared his excitement online about flying to her home country to meet her parents. (The post was not intended for me to see but I came across it nonetheless). Now it seems they're almost living in the flat we lived in for the whole year we were together, sleeping in the bed we choose together. I am devastated - I feel I have been replaced with someone who is the total Opposite of me. Although Our relationship fell apart because of compatibility we were very close until that point. We had no contact after we broke up. I am very hurt by this. Is he rebounding? Or is this normal for a guy?

Could definitely be a rebound, they are definitely going through it really quickly. Guys are just as affected by breakup as women are, we just might handle it differently. Her being a complete opposite, rushing through it seeing the parents quickly and almost living together. The time, meeting in March, falling somewhere before breaking up and now already doing all that. That's quick, real quick. A bit too fast, most likely they are still infatuated with each other at this point. But at some point that will wear off.

If it is a rebound it will break up sooner or later and I can understand it is devastating for you to know this. Him (seemingly) moving on so quickly as if the relationship never really mattered to him. Those thoughts might haunt you right now.

But to be honest, try to reappraise this situation. Instead of it being devastating, try thinking it of a sort of closure. Clearly (seemingly) he is done (outside appearances say nothing if the internal struggle). This means that any hope of reconciliation might be far beyond your reach, so why even try it? The bridges are burned and no way to move but forward. If it is a rebound it will kick him in the balls down the line. It will only hurt him more than it could ever hurt you, because he will still need to deal with the feelings of the breakup with you, but now also with this new girl.

Now these are thoughts I would try to stomp in my head. Try to keep the focus on yourself, easier said than done. Use this knowledge as fuel to keep moving forward to get to a better place for yourself.

Most likely it is a rebound, he cannot have changed his part of the breakup. There are flaws in both of you, and 1 month is too little time to truly change them. You can start it, but now have changed it drastically. So he most likely hasn't learned anything and will most likely fail again. Now stay away from him during this time, because if you start talking to him and be a shoulder to lean on. I believe you might help make this rebound a real relationship. Let him solve his own problems and do not reach out. He is with another now, they have to figure it out or split. You should play no part in his life at this point. That's best for you.

Well, my ex has been with his "rebound" for 8 years, so...

I'm sure it hurts, but now you know for sure that moving forward is the best thing to do.

Im ashamed to say turned completely psycho crazy when I found out on Saturday. Facebook bombed them both, sent pictures of me and him to them, phoned him, yelled at him. Insulted him. Insulted her. He put her on the phone and she was calmly telling me to let go and leave them be. I lost it and when she hung up I went straight to his flat as I had a hunch they were there. There they were coming out the elevator as I was waiting to go up to their flat. He looked stunned. Eventually after seeing I was not budging I got the 10 mins I asked for to ask him why he ended things by text, why he lied to me and hurt me. He told me he never meant to hurt me and we just weren't comparable. He's apparently realised his relationship problems (has a lot of exes) and is trying to do things differently with this new girl! (She had a crush on him ages ago and he told even told me about her months before we split, he thought it was funny that she would walk the long way home with him because she lived down the road. I never thought anything more). He was actually seeing her socially before we split, but swears nothing more happened until I'd moved out. I'm such a mess trying to

Process all this

Im ashamed to say turned completely psycho crazy when I found out on Saturday. Facebook bombed them both, sent pictures of me and him to them, phoned him, yelled at him. Insulted him. Insulted her. He put her on the phone and she was calmly telling me to let go and leave them be. I lost it and when she hung up I went straight to his flat as I had a hunch they were there. There they were coming out the elevator as I was waiting to go up to their flat. He looked stunned. Eventually after seeing I was not budging I got the 10 mins I asked for to ask him why he ended things by text, why he lied to me and hurt me. He told me he never meant to hurt me and we just weren't comparable. He's apparently realised his relationship problems (has a lot of exes) and is trying to do things differently with this new girl! (She had a crush on him ages ago and he told even told me about her months before we split, he thought it was funny that she would walk the long way home with him because she lived down the road. I never thought anything more). He was actually seeing her socially before we split, but swears nothing more happened until I'd moved out. I'm such a mess trying to

Process all this

 

No worries, one video said 'breakups are like having a madmen caged in your heart, at first he will break out all the time. At some point he'll get too tired to that, and he will break out less and less'.

Our emotions make us insane! Because that's exactly what they are irrational and illogical. Because they are emotional. We are all completely and utterly mad after a breakup. Our emotions are stronger than our minds at that time.

 

Actively forgive yourself for it, and to be fair I'd say leave them both be. Just make sure you do not make the situation any worse. Accept that it happened and you cannot change it. Learn from it and try to discipline yourself. Every time you feel a large urge to contact him/her, put all communicative devices on the table and WALK AWAY. Physically leave those devices. And walk away for as long as it takes, untill the urge has died down. Be it minutes or even hours. No matter, just make sure you keep yourself from sending more messages. No laptop, no phone, no ravens, nothing.

 

If you truly think it will bring you some peace of mind, you might want to send a text apologizing for your crazy behaviour. Now most people would say 'NO CONTACT!!' but if this brings you peace of mind, then I'd say do it. JUST do not expect any messages back or anything. Just do it purely for yourself, to get rid of your own guilt. BUT ONLY if you think it will give YOU peace of mind. If it does not and you will not be able to control yourself to want more than just send an apology then DO NOT DO IT.

I hope you understand what I mean with that.

 

Keep your head high, try to keep your discipline and you'll get through this. We are all messes at first, but after a while we are able to clean it all up. You'll get there!

?If you truly think it will bring you some peace of mind, you might want to send a text apologizing for your crazy behaviour. Now most people would say 'NO CONTACT!!' but if this brings you peace of mind, then I'd say do it. JUST do not expect any messages back or anything. Just do it purely for yourself, to get rid of your own guilt. BUT ONLY if you think it will give YOU peace of mind. If it does not and you will not be able to control yourself to want more than just send an apology then DO NOT DO IT.

I hope you understand what I mean with that.

Well after she gave me the privacy to talk to him alone I didn't feel angry at her anymore. I said I was sorry as I was leaving the building and without hesitation she she gave me a hug saying "we've all been there" so she was at least empathic and pretty dignified throughout the whole ordeal. I will not contact either of them again. I am very lucky they didn't call the police. I insulted them both and became very aggressive. Luckily I did not cause any physical harm but I could be done for assault as I lashed out when she pulled her phone out.

I am definitely not making anymore contact. They have let this go but they wont let it go again. It's harassment. But I am struggling with this though and keep replaying everything over and over in my mind. I went completely insane. He even asked me if I'd been drinking (I hadn't). He said i didn't seem like myself at all. I was acting really weird and hyperactive, gave them hugs, jumping up and down, then the next minute I was screaming at them, verbally abusive to them both and being physically aggressive whenever she got her phone out. Do you think I need help? (I am in therapy but I'm scared that i might be psychologically ill). Or is this just what emotions can do?

Yes, I do think an appointment with a counselor is a good idea. Being angry and sad is one thing. Going to actually confront them then behaving as erratically as you did suggest you need to get your impulses under control. It sounds as though you were close to getting physical with her, which also tells me your ability to lash out is just barely contained. Please do talk to a professional who can help you learn coping strategies for painful emotions. You are lucky the situation didn't escalate on either side, but you might not be so fortunate should it happen again. Talk to your therapist about this episode.

If I'm being honest, I don't think this is a rebound as much as an exit affair, so to speak. If they were getting close before you broke up and he developed feelings for her, then he was on his way out the door before the split happened. Rebounds are not usually what dumpers do; they're generally dumpee territory. I gather he was the one to finally pull the plug on the relationship?

?If you truly think it will bring you some peace of mind, you might want to send a text apologizing for your crazy behaviour. Now most people would say 'NO CONTACT!!' but if this brings you peace of mind, then I'd say do it. JUST do not expect any messages back or anything. Just do it purely for yourself, to get rid of your own guilt. BUT ONLY if you think it will give YOU peace of mind. If it does not and you will not be able to control yourself to want more than just send an apology then DO NOT DO IT.

I hope you understand what I mean with that.

 

Well after she gave me the privacy to talk to him alone I didn't feel angry at her anymore. I said I was sorry as I was leaving the building and without hesitation she she gave me a hug saying "we've all been there" so she was at least empathic and pretty dignified throughout the whole ordeal. I will not contact either of them again. I am very lucky they didn't call the police. I insulted them both and became very aggressive. Luckily I did not cause any physical harm but I could be done for assault as I lashed out when she pulled her phone out.

 

I am definitely not making anymore contact. They have let this go but they wont let it go again. It's harassment. But I am struggling with this though and keep replaying everything over and over in my mind. I went completely insane. He even asked me if I'd been drinking (I hadn't). He said i didn't seem like myself at all. I was acting really weird and hyperactive, gave them hugs, jumping up and down, then the next minute I was screaming at them, verbally abusive to them both and being physically aggressive whenever she got her phone out. Do you think I need help? (I am in therapy but I'm scared that i might be psychologically ill). Or is this just what emotions can do?

Aye if that is their responses, I believe all you have to do is forgive yourself at this point. Very wise to leave them be then and focus on yourself.

Seeking help is never a bad idea to do. Counseling might give you some insight into your own being and you might grow from it. This is a very stressful situation for all of us, but your behaviour was quite extreme yes. So it might be very useful and nice for yourself to get more insight into this and to get more grip on it. Because stress will arise more times in your life and it would be really nice for yourself if you can maintain your compsure when it occurs.

Do not be scared of being psychologically ill. There is this stigma onto it, but it is far more common than you think. The larger psychological diagnosis have a huge stigma as being 'crazy' people, but minor psychological diagnosis occur a lot. Things like burn-outs, depressions, panic attacks, stress disorders, sleeping problems, sexual problems. All of these things occur far more than you think, the thing is most people never tell you they have had psychological help. They are scared of that stigma, and therefore a lot of people keep it to themselves. So do not be afraid of a psychological diagnosis, it is actually a good thing. Because a problem you can see is a problem you can work on, underlying problems which are invisible will remain that way and will affect your behaviour.

So don't be scared of a diagnosis, and do seek help. It will improve yourself, you'll get a better grip on your psyche and you'll benefit from this in the long run. And yes, leave them be.

Well, my ex has been with his "rebound" for 8 years, so...

 

I'm sure it hurts, but now you know for sure that moving forward is the best thing to do.

This.

It's not good to expect it to be a rebound. In my case it was a slightly different situation, he left me for her and at the time I had this hope that it wouldn't last. They married, have a kid and as far as I know are still fine (4 or 5 years later).

Like boltnrun says, at least now as much as it hurts you have a sign that you really have to move on. Hold on. It hurts but in the end all the effort you put now on moving on (healthily) will be worth it!