Please Help Me With Breakup!

Hi all,

I am struggling after being dumped. Please give me some advice.

A bit of backstory. Im 28 and my ex-gf is 25 will be 26 in October. We have been dating for a total time period of 9 months. The last three months we were in an official relationship (SMH). There was a bit of distance as she lived an hour and a half away in NJ and im in NY. In the beginning we would see each other about 1 or 2 days a week. Thats not alot of time but I was understanding as thats a significant travel time when you put in work/family/personal time.

In the beginning everything was amazing, the chemistry, conversations ect. We both thought this. About half-way through it she was even calling me the love of her life.

Red Flag 1: I was never allowed to come to her place. She had recently moved in with her sister and she said it gave her anxiety, she wasn't comfy in her own house - it didn't feel like her space so she didn't want me there. This was a big red flag to me and I initially thought something else was going on. I actually stopped talking to her for a week or so because she would not bend on it. (Yes I have been by the place and I have seen the sister come out of the house lol)

Red Flag 2: In the beginning before we were ever official we had a conversation and we both agreed to be sexually exclusive to one another.. I thought I may have been asking for too much so early but she agreed. Three days later she goes on a trip to visit her best friends and I find out that she was physical with an old flame. She came clean about it and apologized. She tried to say that it wasn't really sex but penetration happened so I wasn't buying it.

Those two things made me extremely cautious - but who is perfect?

We both made alot of mistakes - me with my quick temper - her with her being bratty/selfish ect and ect and ect.

Things started going downhill after we made it official. My schedule changed and we were working opposite hours. Communication got harder but I was still trying. She was having problems at home with her sister... she became distant, rarely calling, texting.. checking in. I would call and she would have to go - would say she would call me back but didnt ect.

(There was also maybe two weeks where she was responsive - she also needed money to move - which I loaned her - because in my mind this is still my gf and she needs help moving out of a dangerous situation. I loaned her the money, we were ok for a small window and then she went back to being distant. IM SO DUMB FOR THIS. She did pay me back.)

At this point I knew we are in trouble but I was still hanging on - trying to get her to communicate with me. I even asked her if there was someone else in the picture and she would say no. The more I tried to get my gf to communicate the more she distanced herself. I know I prob should have ended it at this point but I held on.

Its been about a month and some change at this point. Finally she came around and said how she missed me, loved me, wanted to make it work. Im like ok great - She blew my phone up at work and I finally called once I got off. Im walking down the street on the phone with her and shes like wyd.. what is all that noise in the background? Im like im just walking down the street.. there are cars ect.. shes like ok I don't have your full attentions so call me when you get home.

This made me side-eye her because I have called her/facetimed her so manyyyyy times when there was so much going on in the background - she would even have full-on side conversations with her friends while im on the phone. So it pissed me off that she didn't want to talk just because I was walking down the street.

Anyway I get home I call her about an hour and a half later - I shower, eat, feed my cat ect ect. Its about 10pm. Shes like oh im tired, Im on my way to sleep now. This made me upset because we could have talked earlier. This made her upset because I didn't call her right away. (Rem this is someone who would rarely call me back when she said she would). We get into a small arguement about it - it was so stupid, I wasn't even mad really, just trying to voice my concerns. She hangs up on me while im speaking and sends me a text saying to forget it. She's over it.

Now I know the above things sound pretty bad but I loved this girl through all of her bs and through all of mine. Even when she went missing I wanted to work it out. Our chemistry was amazing and I kept thinking about all the good times.

That night I tried to call her text her - everything and she just turned cold. INSTANTLY. She went from saying she loved me and missed me to being over me within hours.

Its been a month. I have tried calling, texting, emailing. She responds to nothing. Begging, pleading ect. I know its shameful.. but I really loved her I don't understand how you can just turn cold on someone you say you love. Through the bits and pieces of convo I can get out of her she has told me that: she wasn't happy, she never loved me, she hates me.. she also told me she met someone while she was distant and they have been dating 1-3 weeks. The timeframe changes according to her. She told me she would rather start over with someone new vs fixing our relationship.

She has been so cold, like our 9 months didn't mean anything. Like im nothing. I feel like trash. How do you move on that quickly?

Maybe I have tried reaching out too much but I want her to feel bad about how she's treated me. I want her to care that Im not ok. I called her two weeks ago crying (shameful I know) and she laughed and hung up in my face.

Its so painful, Im devastated. As of two days ago I understand that I don't need her and she is NOT a prize, but at the same time its hard. I really loved this girl with everything and she cut me very deeply.

For those of you who read that long ass post - THANK YOU - Hopefully you all don't think I am an idiot. lol

Yes this is about a female/female relationship. Save the judgement

I haven't been back on this site in a while. I currently am going through a similar breakup that happened 1-week ago. Even though I still have feelings for my ex and think about her, I do understand these are the normal motions we all go through when we break up with your significant other. However, I have already told myself that there is no going back to her and I will stand my ground.

Your situation seems like in the end when you weren't talking, she started to miss you and let you know that she wants to make things work and once you gave her that idea without a fight it made you look "weak" and "less attractive" to her sub-consciously and that is why she disrespected you and acted like a brat when you called her after work.

Seems like you did nothing wrong but tried to make this work and she just took advantage of your heart. She has emotionally checked out of the relationship and there will be times she will miss you and message you. You need to stand up for yourself and demand that you deserve better. Don't give her the satisfaction that you will always be in the picture whenever she calls or texts you. Time for you to move on to bigger and better things and find someone that will appreciate you. There are billions of people on this earth, you will find another one who will give you the same connection if not more and respect.

If my friend can get over his ex-wife after a 10-year marriage in 7-months... we all can get over our ungrateful ex also. Lets not also forget that when they ended their relationship, she called him everyday for 3-months and he did not answer the phone once because he knew it would of been the same relationship just a different day. He wanted better and now he is enjoying life and going on dates. You can too!!

Hope this helped! You can always Private Message me if you need to talk. I will be more active on this site and want all the good people who have been genuine throughout their relationship to succeed!

Thanks so much @Romanivor - You think that she will miss me? How if she is currently sleeping with / dating someone else?

Hi VC1207, I am sure she will miss parts of your relationship with her, but will she miss you and want to get back together with you... most likely not. One thing I would do in my relationships when they were over was burden myself with multiple questions such as this one, "Will she still miss me?" "Will she regret losing me?" etc.. I realized these questions just drive you crazy because there is no answer.

The best thing you can do at the end of the day is focus on the reason you ended and from what you are telling me in your post, she disrespected you and treated you wrong. That should be your focus on moving forward.

You sound like a lovely woman, you will find someone that will treat you better. Trust me.