When she says she loves you, but she's not in love with you...

We've been married for 6 years, no children, but my wife has recently told me she doesn't think she's in love with me anymore... We have had a devoted relationship for a long time and whilst we have had our problems (like most couples) there hasn't been anything we haven't overcome. We have been devoted to each other. I would do anything for her and I feel she would do the same for me.

 

She told me she thinks we need a break so she can sort out how she feels... I completely understand why she would want this, but I am still confused as to why she might feel like this. I have been the only man she's ever been with. She says she doesn't feel any spark any more. But for years our sex life has been a pittance of what it once was, long before this issue arose and long before she started feeling like this. If you asked our friends, they would think that she's crazy. We are happy, and everything is seemingly going great. People we meet think we are honeymooners. So why does she feel this way?

 

Now that the background has been set, we decided (I convinced her) that we should try to work it out. Try and bring back the spark. She believes maybe this is the right idea and we set a time frame so that it just doesn't drag out for years and years. But now, this is all I can think about. Every time my mind isn't on a task, I'm thinking 'she isn't in love with me anymore'. I'm thinking, 'does she want to see someone else'. I've been the only person she's slept with, does she want to know what it's like on the other side of the fence? Now when she says she loves me when I go to work, or chat on the phone, all I can think is, ýeah, but you're not IN love with me...'

 

Should we have taken a break? Deep down I'm worried that if we do, that will be the end... but is it for the best?

I think you both would do well to start marriage counseling. You love one another still, the relationship has just gotten mundane and predictable. Working it out together rather then taking a break is the way to go in my opinion. Do so with the help of someone unbiased who will show you the way back to being on the right track.

 

I do wish you the best of luck in working it all out. After all, it's not like this is a toxic mess it is a functioning union, with healthy respect for one another... and there is still love from both sides.

Why don't you do counseling.

^^^ I agree with the counseling as well ...sometimes you need that joe blogs sat in the middle communicating for each other to each other . You certainly can't carry on like this , you will drive yourself nuts .

I think you both would do well to start marriage counseling. You love one another still, the relationship has just gotten mundane and predictable. Working it out together rather then taking a break is the way to go in my opinion. Do so with the help of someone unbiased who will show you the way back to being on the right track.

 

I do wish you the best of luck in working it all out. After all, it's not like this is a toxic mess it is a functioning union, with healthy respect for one another... and there is still love from both sides.

 

She has seen a counselor a few times about it, and I suggested we see someone together. For whatever reason, this option never eventuated. Maybe that's a good thing and she doesn't think we need to go that far? Or she thinks it won't help at all...

 

Right now I'm in this situation where I second guess and question anything to do with the future. We talk about holidays, I think we might not even be together then. She wants to get a new piece of furniture, I just think what for?

Theres absolutely nothing left to do but to back away completely. Where you are with her right now, its going to get worse.

 

She doesn't really want to work it out, shes just going along with it because she doesn't want to hurt you. But if you stay in this situation, it will get worse for you and hurt more. You cant bring back the spark this way. The unfortunate truth is the spark may never come back.

 

The absolute best thing to do is to tell her to let you know if she changes her mind, but you are not interested in a friendship. Then walk away completely, never reach out to her for any reason. Look after yourself, see other women when ready. She might reach out to you, but chances are if you were to reconcile this would just happen again.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but having been in exactly the same situation as you, I can say that if you stay put in this situation it could get a lot worse. She will eventually disrespect you and become nasty for not doing what a self respecting man would do, which is to walk on.

She has seen a counselor a few times about it, and I suggested we see someone together. For whatever reason, this option never eventuated. Maybe that's a good thing and she doesn't think we need to go that far? Or she thinks it won't help at all...

Or maybe she will think its a great idea after you tell her that you're anxious and in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop... as indicated in the quote below.

 

Right now I'm in this situation where I second guess and question anything to do with the future. We talk about holidays, I think we might not even be together then. She wants to get a new piece of furniture, I just think what for?

A counselor isn't going to make her or anybody feel something they're not feeling any more. Sorry to be direct OP.

A counselor isn't going to make her or anybody feel something they're not feeling any more. Sorry to be direct OP.

When there is still love, time investment, marriage, commitment, respect and a lovely union, then getting help to figure things out is something that should (IMO) be explored before giving up. They have already decided, with direct communication with one another that they would try and figure this all out together so I'm not sure why you're projecting what happened to you, onto them.

Well if a man wanted to go counseling after you told him your no longer interested, its not exactly going to sweep you back off your feet, is it.

 

The only thing to go for when you hear total nonsense like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you,' is the door.

 

OP, check Corey Wayne on youtube.

Well if a man wanted to go counseling after you told him your no longer interested, its not exactly going to sweep you back off your feet, is it.

 

The only thing to go for when you hear total nonsense like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you,' is the door.

She didn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" She said but my wife has recently told me she doesn't think she's in love with me anymore...

 

She also thought it was a good idea to stay and work on getting the spark back.

we decided (I convinced her) that we should try to work it out. Try and bring back the spark. She believes maybe this is the right idea and we set a time frame so that it just doesn't drag out for years and years.

so they are going to give it a shot, together, as a team.

 

Good on them.

The only thing to go for when you hear total nonsense like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you,' is the door.

 

I'm sorry OP, you're in a very difficult spot. One that has a lot of variables and its will be excruciating to figure a way forward WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS. You absolutely must have all the facts... and most specifically... if there is someone else on the horizon.

Most often they lie about the new person i.e. the answer is actually yes... but she tells you NO... well this is the Shi^&iest position to be in and that is where I am at the moment. I am living with that exact same phrase ringing in my ears from 6 months ago however I was not given any options but I WANT TO BREAK UP. Either way, It'll make your head spin for weeks.

 

If there is another person on the horizon then I'm sorry but you are fighting a GHOST.

 

In my case, I chose to stand up and move out on the spot as I was told to my face (2 times) that it was not in favor of another person even though I had accidently seen that she was spilling her guys out complaining about me to a Facebook male orbiter a month or so prior to our final talk and he had asked to let him know when she was single. (I didn't react at the time but that is another story)

 

It's hard to imagine that your future planned life together could go poof from one moment to the next.

 

Anyways I went NC right away however her post break up behavior has been difficult to bear. She has fed forward at least a dozen updates on her situation all by indirect means ( I call this reverse NC) and is avoiding all direct contact with me I'm guessing out of shame.

 

OP if it turns out you're not fighting a ghost then give it your all to turn back that clock and remember that it was you who put that smile on her face way back when in the most natural and unforced way... find your way back there and best of luck to you.

She didn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" She said:

 

She also thought it was a good idea to stay and work on getting the spark back. so they are going to give it a shot, together, as a team.

 

Good on them.

 

 

He said that he convinced her that they should try and work this out. He convinced her.

 

I'll put another angle on this that you might appreciate. She has made up her mind about something and her decision as an adult should be respected. He convincing her to change her mind could actually be seen as putting her in a cage. Not the OP's intention, he wants her back.

 

But you cant make someone come back, it can leave them with a feeling of their freedom taken away. She might even resent him later, she has stated how she feels and he is trying to convince her to feel differently for his own needs. It is needy behavior on the OP's part, and will probably push her away.

 

So walking away in this perspective, is actually giving her the freedom to feel and be. If there is any chance of reconciliation, her having freedom and space plus the gift of missing him would trigger it. As long as he walks away and looks after himself that is.

 

Walking away with NC is a winner for all.

When she says she loves you...

 

Many times means another person is in the picture.

He said that he convinced her that they should try and work this out. He convinced her.

Well, he must have had some good points and she must have been at least somewhat on board for her to be convinced. For goodness sakes give her some credit for having a mind of her own. If she was at the end of her marriage rope with him, she would be gone.

 

I'll put another angle on this that you might appreciate. She has made up her mind about something and her decision as an adult should be respected.

Perhaps when you're not in a married or living together situation, yes. This is a PARTNERSHIP of many years. One just doesn't give up on such a dynamic. Apparently she understands this and is willing to work on marriage recovery.

 

He convincing her to change her mind could actually be seen as putting her in a cage. Not the OP's intention, he wants her back.

Again, you are making her out to be without her own identity and unable to decide for herself.

 

But you cant make someone come back,

No one said you could however; you can make someone reappreciate what they had through change and getting back to basics... reinventing what they had when they first dated and the passion, lust, infatuation was high. She is most likely not feeling any of that right now but that does not mean that it can not be retrieved and enjoy as a team.

 

it can leave them with a feeling of their freedom taken away.

You assume she is thinking that her freedom is being taken away. There is zero indication that she feels that way.

She might even resent him later,

and she might even thank him.

she has stated how she feels and he is trying to convince her to feel differently for his own needs.

Again you are implying that she has no will of her own.

 

It is needy behavior on the OP's part, and will probably push her away.

I disagree... it is what long term married couples do when they, as a couple, get passive and taken for granted... That can be remedied when there is still love and respect for one another which by all accounts, there appears to be.

 

So walking away in this perspective, is actually giving her the freedom to feel and be. If there is any chance of reconciliation, her having freedom and space plus the gift of missing him would trigger it. As long as he walks away and looks after himself that is.

 

Walking away with NC is a winner for all.

In some cases, yes. In this case, NO.

When she says she loves you...

 

Many times means another person is in the picture.

 

This is very true. Thats another good reason to head for the door.

I have been the only man she's ever been with. [...] for years our sex life has been a pittance of what it once was,

 

These would be the two factors that say this isn't out of the blue. She started to feel this way at the time your sex life went downhill.

 

This doesn't mean that she felt this way as strongly as today, or that she didn't try to reverse it on her own before it got to this point, but a couple's sex life being the barometer of health in most marriages, it would probably benefit you to look carefully at the time your sex life changed.

 

When was the last time you remember your sex life being good, and what were the changes--ANY changes you can think of--in either of your lives right before your sex life shut down?

She didn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" She said:

 

She also thought it was a good idea to stay and work on getting the spark back. so they are going to give it a shot, together, as a team.

 

Good on them.

 

Correct, she doesn't seem to know what she's feeling at the moment. I guess it's the unknown that's killing me at the moment. I'm not willing to just throw everything away without trying to figure it out with her. Or maybe I'm just scared to be 35, alone and with no family haha!

I'm sorry OP, you're in a very difficult spot. One that has a lot of variables and its will be excruciating to figure a way forward WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS. You absolutely must have all the facts... and most specifically... if there is someone else on the horizon.

Most often they lie about the new person i.e. the answer is actually yes... but she tells you NO... well this is the Shi^&iest position to be in and that is where I am at the moment. I am living with that exact same phrase ringing in my ears from 6 months ago however I was not given any options but I WANT TO BREAK UP. Either way, It'll make your head spin for weeks.

 

If there is another person on the horizon then I'm sorry but you are fighting a GHOST.

 

In my case, I chose to stand up and move out on the spot as I was told to my face (2 times) that it was not in favor of another person even though I had accidently seen that she was spilling her guys out complaining about me to a Facebook male orbiter a month or so prior to our final talk and he had asked to let him know when she was single. (I didn't react at the time but that is another story)

 

It's hard to imagine that your future planned life together could go poof from one moment to the next.

 

Anyways I went NC right away however her post break up behavior has been difficult to bear. She has fed forward at least a dozen updates on her situation all by indirect means ( I call this reverse NC) and is avoiding all direct contact with me I'm guessing out of shame.

 

OP if it turns out you're not fighting a ghost then give it your all to turn back that clock and remember that it was you who put that smile on her face way back when in the most natural and unforced way... find your way back there and best of luck to you.

 

Ha! Way to make me feel paranoid... But I know you're right. She did say there wasn't someone else. I believe her, but I know she hasn't ácted' upon anything, it's more the fact she may be thinking 'what if'. Or that someone has sparked her interest and she's got that feeling she hasn't had since when we first dated. She's never dated anyone else before, so she may be enjoying flirting with someone else. I don't know... I guess I'll keep you updated. And I'm sorry to hear of your situation too... it sucks...

He said that he convinced her that they should try and work this out. He convinced her.

 

I'll put another angle on this that you might appreciate. She has made up her mind about something and her decision as an adult should be respected. He convincing her to change her mind could actually be seen as putting her in a cage. Not the OP's intention, he wants her back.

 

But you cant make someone come back, it can leave them with a feeling of their freedom taken away. She might even resent him later, she has stated how she feels and he is trying to convince her to feel differently for his own needs. It is needy behavior on the OP's part, and will probably push her away.

 

So walking away in this perspective, is actually giving her the freedom to feel and be. If there is any chance of reconciliation, her having freedom and space plus the gift of missing him would trigger it. As long as he walks away and looks after himself that is.

 

Walking away with NC is a winner for all.

 

Ok maybe my words of ' I convinced her' are a little strong. We had two options. We have a break, this was the first thing she said to me when it came up or we try to mix things up and try to get the spark back. Change up our life a little and work it out. This is what I said I wanted to do. We actually decided to life our lives 'seperately' whilst still living together for a few days so she could think about it and kind of see what it would be like without me. Sounds stupid? We agreed to basically not talk to each other and go our seperate ways. Within a day and a half she told me she wants to stay and work it out. That was her decision, not mine.

This is very true. Thats another good reason to head for the door.

 

We say it all the time. When we finish a phone conversation, in texts, when we go to work. This is nothing new and we've been doing it for years. Maybe this might be the case if we didn't do it a lot and there's a change. But for us, this isn't a sign.

These would be the two factors that say this isn't out of the blue. She started to feel this way at the time your sex life went downhill.

 

This doesn't mean that she felt this way as strongly as today, or that she didn't try to reverse it on her own before it got to this point, but a couple's sex life being the barometer of health in most marriages, it would probably benefit you to look carefully at the time your sex life changed.

 

When was the last time you remember your sex life being good, and what were the changes--ANY changes you can think of--in either of your lives right before your sex life shut down?

 

Good point, but in our case I'm not sure the change in sex life has anything to do with me. Well not in my view anyway. Just before we got married, she went on medication to clear her skin for our wedding. This medication basically changed her hormones. It went south from there. We've been married for 6 years now so it's been like this for 6 years. It went from her complaining I couldn't do it enough, to me trying to get her in the mood and failing. I learnt to not bother trying because 8/10 times I'd be denied.

Good point, but in our case I'm not sure the change in sex life has anything to do with me. Well not in my view anyway. Just before we got married, she went on medication to clear her skin for our wedding. This medication basically changed her hormones. It went south from there. We've been married for 6 years now so it's been like this for 6 years. It went from her complaining I couldn't do it enough, to me trying to get her in the mood and failing. I learnt to not bother trying because 8/10 times I'd be denied.

Did she ever go to the doctor and get her hormones checked out? Is she on birth control pills? BC often turns of libido so if she is, she may need another kind of pill.

 

Someone in another forum once said: "Seduce a woman's mind and her body will follow." Time to get back to basics and start doing all those things you did outside the bedroom and then maybe she'll be ready inside the bedroom.

After six years of marriage you have to do more then watch t.v. (or similar) all night and then expect her to have been seduced. Not saying that's all the two of you ever do, just using that as an example of why her body may not be following.

 

Anyway... I hope you work it out.

Good point, but in our case I'm not sure the change in sex life has anything to do with me. Well not in my view anyway. Just before we got married, she went on medication to clear her skin for our wedding. This medication basically changed her hormones. It went south from there. We've been married for 6 years now so it's been like this for 6 years. It went from her complaining I couldn't do it enough, to me trying to get her in the mood and failing. I learnt to not bother trying because 8/10 times I'd be denied.

 

If she only took the drug for the wedding, how does that address all the years that followed? She never went off the drug or pursued treatment for her lost sex drive?

 

Again, I'd disabuse myself of the idea that this was 'out of the blue.'

If she only took the drug for the wedding, how does that address all the years that followed? She never went off the drug or pursued treatment for her lost sex drive?

 

Again, I'd disabuse myself of the idea that this was 'out of the blue.'

 

Apparently it's a side effect. I don't have any other reason to believe our love life changed because of something else. It all happened since then.

 

I'm not saying this whole thing came out of the blue, we had a big argument/talk about 'us' about a year ago. She thought that I should be with someone else, someone who would love and be attracted to more. Which was ridiculous to me. I thought we both came out of it for the better, more open minded and better than ever. Apparently not. She said she's been thinking about it since then but it all came out recently when she lied to me and she was working late, but was out getting drink with her gay boss confiding in him about me and our situation. I got paranoid that night and tried to see if she would tell me if she was really working or not. I didn't talk to her the next day so she called me and told me she thinks we need a break.

 

The more and more I think about things, the more paranoid I get. I'm not saying she's cheating physically, or mentally, but everything I think about says she is. All the small things she says. But I could be reading into it way too much, who knows!