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Hi Everyone, I am new to this forum and am looking for some advice. My girlfriend and I have been engaged for exactly one year as of this past Thursday. We were long distance for two years prior and finally, my company allowed me to work remote. So I moved to Maryland as her job is not as flexible. I don't particularly like Maryland as I am from Florida and miss the beach and sunshine. I do not have any friends here and I go to social events, but no good friends I can just call up to talk or hang out. This has started taking a toll as my girlfriend/fiance has lived her for 10 years. So she has plenty of friends and loves her job.

 

Working from home is great but very isolating. I manage a team of people in India so I really do not speak with anyone remotely close. So this week my fiance told me she is going on a road trip to Tennessee with one of her friends to see the solar eclipse - her friend is single so I get not wanting me to go because then her friend would be a 3rd wheel. However, I can't help but feel sad and hurt about her going and leaving me home. I don't have any friends and it makes me kinda jealous that she can just go off. I would never go back to Florida to visit friends and not invite her - but I guess it is a little different since all my friends are married/living together. I just feel that I am here in Maryland and the only reason is because of her. I would never chose to live her and don't know anyone. I am starting to resent my decision to move her. I love her, but feel like I am just on the sideline in someone else's life.

 

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

 

Thank you for reading.

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I would never go back to Florida to visit friends and not invite her
Why wouldn't you? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you going back home without her just as there isn't anything wrong with her having a girls weekend.

 

Your whole problem is that you're feeling isolated so rather then complain and resent your decision to move to be with her, why don't you get yourself out there and do things that will introduce you to people who you can relate to. Join a co-ed sports team for instance will get you out in the fresh air and introduce you to people where a friendship or two could develop.

 

What are your interests?

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So I do go to Crossfit about 3 times a week, however, people I meet are just acquaintances. I find many people already have their social circles. I think what makes it worse is I work from home. I have looked at switching jobs recently, but two internal jobs at my company I am interested in would require me to move to Florida. I think if I could go into a work location 2-3 times a week socially I would be better off. There are others in my area who work from home and I tried to suggest coffee/lunch, however, most people have kids and hectic schedules.

 

It has been this way for a year, and I feel I have tried to make other friends, it just does not happen.

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Not sure what guy friends have to do with anything. I am a woman and she is a woman. So maybe that makes it more complicated. We hang out with some of her friends together and go out but they are still her friends. I wouldn't call them to hang out without her as I think that would be awkward.

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I don't particularly like Maryland as I am from Florida and miss the beach and sunshine.

What the heck are you talking about? Maryland has many beaches. The Potomac river, Deep Creek Lake, around the Chesapeake Bay and Eastern Shore (Ocean City, Assateague). No it doesn't stay warm year around, but it beats the heat in January.

 

Maryland has plenty of things to do and MANY adult social clubs. It doesn't seem like you are happy living where you are, period. And if you are miserable, maybe it's time to move back home.

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I mainly don't like Maryland because of the high cost of living and I would rather be in Florida living on a beach. I don't like the winter months and love wearing shorts/flip flops year round.

 

I want to move back but my fiance does not. She loves her job here and has been there for 10 years. Not sure what adult social clubs you refer to. I have joined a sports league prior and such but it's not the same as having close friends. Also, the beaches are not the same. I am not saying there is not anything to do. I have joined a rock climbing club, joined sport teams, go to crossfit, etc.. I just have not made any close friends - people I would call to discuss my day or go shopping with outside of those activities.

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I totally get where you're coming from. I moved 1500 miles for someone once, so trust me when I say I totally understand.

 

I hear you: it's not that easy to just call up one of her friends to hang out, because, as you said, it's awkward. And, since you moved for her, to her city, it would be really nice if she'd include you in these little trips. Not that she can't go off with her friends on trips, or outings, because I think that couples should definitely do things separately with their own friends, but given how new you are, and how few people you know, it would have been a really nice gesture for her to invite you along. Knowing that you'll be sitting home alone with literally no one to talk to or do anything with, she definitely could have asked you to go.

 

Re: the adult activity groups....have you looked at meetup? They have lots of things, like bowling, etc. I think it's great that you do Crossfit, as that is very community-based, but as you said, they are all just acquaintances.

 

Making friends as adults is really hard, and I don't really understand it. Jerry Seinfeld once said that once he turned 30, he had made all the new friends he was ever going to make. Of course, it was a joke, but when you're kids, you just go into the street and start playing, or you're put in a group in a school project, and those kids become your friends. But as adults, it really is harder, so I do empathize.

 

And I also hear you on the Florida beaches vs. Maryland. Yes, it's very different. Not better or worse, just different, and you obviously like it so much more.

 

Are you certain about this relationship?

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LHGirl, thank you for understanding. It is easy for other people to just say go join an activity, but if you have never been in the situation it is not that simple. I am certain about this relationship and I was the one that proposed last year. I have had a particularly hard year which could contribute to some of the feelings I have. We moved in together last June, bought a house in January, my father was very sick in March and passed away in May, my mom now is declining in heath, and we have no other family around. So I have been going back and forth to Florida since March to help when my dad was sick and now that my mom is not well. So it has taken a toll on me personally. I don't talk about it with my fiance so that is on me and perhaps I should talk about how I feel more. I am not a very emotional person.

 

When I brought up moving back to Florida so I could be closer to my mom (she is all alone in FL) to help take her to doctors,etc, she got very defensive about the idea. I know we just bought a house but life happens and sometimes it does not work out as planned.

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Right, but she may want to not leave Maryland as strongly as you don't want to stay there.

 

So, what do you do? A compromise would mean one of you would have to give up what she wants. If neither of you are, then a stalemate exists. And I can promise you, no relationship can survive a stalemate.

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Not sure what guy friends have to do with anything. I am a woman and she is a woman. So maybe that makes it more complicated. We hang out with some of her friends together and go out but they are still her friends. I wouldn't call them to hang out without her as I think that would be awkward.

 

Why do you think that would be awkward? Has she not included you in on her friends, do activities with you and them?

 

Anyway: No one said it would be easy to make friends but you do have to put in effort to be a friend to get a friend.

Do you have friends back in Florida that you could invite up for a stay? Would your partner feel okay with you doing that while she goes away with her friend? (still wondering why you're not going with them???)

 

Bottom line is that you're unhappy, you hate it there and you feel isolated and you seem stuck in your negativity about the place so you have a decision to make. Stay with her and be unhappy or leave to go back where you long to be and be unhappy ~ at least for a time until you get over her.

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How you feel is so understandable given the last year or so of your life. You've had many of the major life changes , good and bad, that cause people stress. You've moved. You changed your job ( from going in to remote ). You've gotten engaged. Started living with your partner. Bought a house. Lost a parent. Dealing with an aging parent who is now mourning and on their own.

 

Wow, that's a lot!! You are resilient as heck!!

 

I feel like almost any human being would be craving some extra attention, support, comforts, familiarity and gentleness after all that.

 

Maybe you do need to try talking to her and showing her some more of how you feel. She loves you. It's not a weakness to ask for what you need.

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I didn't go with them because we have a dog and that would require boarding her. Also, we have been trying to save lately so spend $100+ on boarding is a no-go. She did ask if I would mind and I didn't say much so never gave it another thought. She asked so casually I did not take it serious she was going. Than this weekend came and she was packing, that is when I found out. I guess it was a communication issue with us.

 

I am going to try to put in more effort to have friends. I feel if she moved to Florida and I just left her at home for 4-5 days to go on a roadtrip to TN, she would be hurt and upset too. I tried to explain it to her but her reply is we need to have our own lives. I agree to an extent. What sucks even more is at this moment, she is sending me photos of all the great things she is doing in TN....without me.

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LHGirl, thank you for understanding. It is easy for other people to just say go join an activity, but if you have never been in the situation it is not that simple.

I've lived in isolation for a whole year for a job. So actually, I do know what it's like and how difficult it can be to adjust in a new place.

 

I was 10 hours away from my fiancé who had to finish medical school. The rest of my friends and family were a few states away. I was desperate for income (which didn't work out because southern states don't pay for *%&@), so I took a job that moved me away from my support system. I had to figure out ways to make new friends and join activities or I became severely depressed. I've volunteered at festivals, joined groups on Meetup.com that help me travel around, and even got a dog that helped me meet new friends at a local dog park. if it wasn't for the temp job contact I probably would of stayed. I get how difficult it is to uproot your life to another place, but it REALLY helps having someone be with you through it. You are lucky to have your fiancée living with you- I had it rougher too.

 

If you intend to make this relationship work, you need to make your new living space work as well. Unfortunately (and I didn't know this until after your later posts), you got other stress happening back at home, which is really the cause of you having difficulty moving forward. You might need counseling here to help you sort out some options- to stay and ride it out, or end a relationship and move back home. I have to agree with the other posters... You should start where you and your fiancée sit down together and try to find a compromise, or this relationship will not work. You have to make the tough call if throwing a potential marriage away is worth caring for your mother... And nobody here can make that decision for you.

 

Take your time to process everything.

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Not sure what guy friends have to do with anything. I am a woman and she is a woman. So maybe that makes it more complicated. We hang out with some of her friends together and go out but they are still her friends. I wouldn't call them to hang out without her as I think that would be awkward.

 

You didnt mention in your first post you are a woman. I, like others, assumed you were a man. I am sorry for not considering you aren't. However, you can join other groups, volunteer somewhere, join a club, take up a musical instrument. Lots of things out there but you have to go to them, they aren't going to come to you.

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So today I am in such a ty mood and really am trying not to be. She is sending me photos of the eclipse and what a great time she is having while I am stuck at home working. It just sucks.

 

I already know later when she gets home at 2-3am this morning I will be seething with anger and hurtfulness. How can I just let this go? I really don't want to be feeling this way.

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So today I am in such a ty mood and really am trying not to be. She is sending me photos of the eclipse and what a great time she is having while I am stuck at home working. It just sucks.

 

I already know later when she gets home at 2-3am this morning I will be seething with anger and hurtfulness. How can I just let this go? I really don't want to be feeling this way.

Then choose not to feel that way. Let go of your resentment by learning a lesson here. Next time you don't want to be left behind then voice that to your partner. She's off thinking you're just fine with everything because THAT is the impression you gave her. As such, now you don't get to be all pissed off at her. Let it go.

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I told her many times this week I was not okay with it and her response is we both need to be able to do things with only our friends. So basically I just look like I am crazy. Then yesterday I tried to explain why I was upset but she still does not get it.

Well, then I guess you just don't be available to watch the dog. Hopefully by the next time she wants to do something with just her and her SINGLE friend, you'll have made some of your own friends or have gotten enough confidence to call up some of her friends that you now know and invite them to do something with you instead of sitting at home alone and stewing. Don't get me wrong, I can empathize with you but there is no sense you "seething" over it. All that's going to do is fester resentment which can't be remedied since it's something that has already taken place and can't be changed.

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I know it is pointless. I just get so angry and upset thinking about it. Luckily, I go to crossfit in about an hour so I will get some of my energy out. And I already know when she comes back late and has to work late tomorrow, all I will hear is how tired and worn out she is to do anything.

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I know it is pointless. I just get so angry and upset thinking about it. Luckily, I go to crossfit in about an hour so I will get some of my energy out. And I already know when she comes back late and has to work late tomorrow, all I will hear is how tired and worn out she is to do anything.

Then don't ask her to do anything if you know she's going to say things like that. Let her chill and you go shopping or something if you're bored or simply watch a movie together and then go to bed TO SLEEP.

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