heartbroken

Hi everyone, I've been in a long distance relationship for the past year a half. Our entire relationship was kinda crazy since we didn't even know each other long before we decided to give it a go. From the moment we first met in college we had this crazy connection and spark that has never gone away.

For a while now we've been planning for him to come live with me on the east coast (he lives on the west coast) because he's always wanted to come here and that's a part of the reason why the relationship started. His dream is to live and work here, where there are better career opportunities and where all his friends are. He went back home after college and was only supposed to be there for a few months and ended up staying longer because he fell into a depression and didn't get the job he applied for. I understood and did my best to help him through his depression even though it resulted in him not making any efforts to move.

Finally we agreed on him coming to me in April and we were both very excited about it. But right before he was going to come he freaked out and self sabotaged. He actually drunkenly kissed another girl and told me he couldn't come. I was incredibly hurt but it was just a peck and he told me about it immediately so I tried to forgive that, but he still wouldn't come like we had planned. So he just came for a visit instead. I was so upset and set on breaking up with him but seeing him changed all that because it was just so amazing to be with him. So we decided to give it another go, not knowing when he'd be moving over or when the distance would end.

Obviously this made our relationship more complicated as I now had trust issues and we also didn't know when the distance would end. He promised me he'd go therapy and work on himself and therefore work on our relationship, and he became a much better and more attentive partner. Finally on his last visit (where I spent a few days with all his closest friends and he went to my sister's wedding and everything was pretty much perfect) he decided he wanted to come in November. After that we were doing well, we would have the occasional fight but the spark was always there and our connection and love for each other never faltered.

However, he ended up applying for a job where he was on a whim not thinking he'd get it and actually did. He's very excited about the job (even though I have some doubts about it) and it ultimately led to him again changing his mind about coming over. This hurt me a lot, not because I can't understand his decision in prioritizing his career over his love life (we're only 23), but because even after getting the job he continuously promised me that nothing would change. So now we don't know when the distance will end, it's looking like probably a year but who knows how long.

So after making his decision, he also broke up with me. Saying that he loves me so much but he doesn't want to keep hurting me anymore and he knows that if we keep doing this with no idea of when the distance is ending that we'll ruin our relationship and not have a chance for the future. Originally I hated this idea and begged him to try again for our relationship since I know how much he does love me and I had difficulty understanding how two people could love each other and not be together. The day after this though I started to understand and even agree with him. I know that if we stay together long distance we'll eventually grow to resent each other and we'll actually have less of a chance of being together in the future. I told him this the next day and we cried together about how upset we were and how we hoped that one day we'd be in the same place (which we will be) and we can try again.

We're actually seeing each other one more time, as I'm going to be at a wedding on the west coast in a few weeks so I'm going to see him for 4 days. We agreed that until then we would be exclusive to each other. So now we're in a really weird space. We haven't stopped texting each other, we've just lessened it, and after breaking up we ended the conversation by saying how much we love each other and how much we hope that we can get back together. He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else for at least the next year anyway.

I'm just in such a weird place now. I love him, and he's my best friend and I know he feels the same. I can't imagine my life without him but if we continue talking I'm afraid that I'll just sit around and wait for him. But it just hurts so badly because a week ago I thought we were moving in together, we were talking about our future and where we'd live together and even talking about the possibility of kids one day. Our families also love each other and we've grown pretty close to them so that's an added complication.

I'm so afraid that he's going to get over me and that we won't end up back together. And I just have no idea to proceed. We both know that seeing each other again will be perfect like it always was and it's going to be absolutely heart wrenching saying goodbye but we just need to see each other again.

I guess I'm just on here looking for any advice, a huge part of me wants to be back together with him but I know that can't work and it kills me. I'm not even really mad at him, I can't blame him for putting himself first when that's what you have to do at our age, but I just wish there was someway we could work. We also can't afford to keep seeing each other and won't even have time to since we'll both be working. Plus he hasn't been the most attentive boyfriend when he falls back into his depression and it's left me feeling undervalued at times.

I was wondering if anyone has an advice for me on how to proceed? Or if anyone else has been in this situation and how it went for them? I'm really hurting and don't even know if I should be trying to move on or not.

Thank you so much for anyone who responds to this and I'm sorry for the novel but it felt nice to just write it all down.

Hi friend!

Just going to warn you right now that you are going to get a high range of responses from people on both sides of the spectrum. Read them and figure out what properly resonates with you ;v;

My personal read on the situation is that while he really does care about you he has trouble maintaining a successful relationship long distance. YOU can, it seems, but he can't. I say this because of the repeated lack of coming to see you, kissing the other girl, and now getting a job where he lives.

In my personal opinion, 1 year isn't a long time to wait until being together, but you and he would have to make serious effort to ACTUALLY PLAN on being together. Have you thought about moving to where he is? Would you be willing to do that for a relationship? Because it doesn't seem like he's willing to, I suppose.

This is kind of a situational breakup, and since it's the distance that's the problem, it's the distance that would be able to fix you. You also said that you're worried that he will get over you - well, if you guys have that kind of 'forever' connection I don't think that's a fear grounded in absolute fact. You don't know that he WON'T get over you but you also don't know that he WILL. You know?

One thing that I'll say that will probably get me eaten on this forum is that if you really are sure you want to see him again then do it. Don't avoid him because it might hurt more. Just be sure it's the thing that you really really want to do.

Unfortunately, though, I have no earthly idea what you should do because so much of everyone's situation is unique. I can only tell you what I, personally, would do. Long Distance Relationships involve a lot of sacrifice, and usually their success involves compromise or someone giving up their life in a certain place to move to another. Unless one of those things can definitely happen in the next year or so (which you both would have to make an effort/promise for) then it might be difficult to continue a relationship with him.

[also feel free to PM me about any of this. LDR is something I enjoy talking about because I was in one for four years and I reaaaaally want him back lmao].

Thanks so much for responding I really appreciate it. You bring up a lot of valid points. He's never done long distance before, he only ever thought it was worth trying for me because what we had was so special. You're very right that him kissing that other girl was incredibly wrong of him but he has beaten himself up so much over it and I do believe that it hasn't or wouldn't happen again. He has come to see me a lot, he just hasn't been able to permanently move here. Him moving him here is a big risk because he has probably like 200 dollars to his name and would have to find a way to support himself and would have to depend on me a lot and that makes him understandably uncomfortable.

And you're right that I have more experience being in long distance and know how to handle it better. But I've gotten really tired of it as well, though I am so scared to be without him.

I said a year because that's the most likely possibility, but it's not set in stone. It could be a year, but it could be much longer than that. Something else I should have mentioned is that his mom has MS. Last time he was living on the east coast she ended up almost entirely paralyzed and he's terrified of that happening again, more so than he lets on. She just got out of a relationship and is living on her own and it gives him peace of mind to be near her.

I don't know if I would move to him honestly. I love him but it would be uprooting my life way more than it would his currently. If I got an amazing job or something then I probably would.

Also I probably will PM you! I'd like to hear about your story as well, it feels so nice to hear from someone who has experience with this

Oh and also, it does seem as though he might actually be taking it harder. He hasn't been eating or sleeping and he's actually been responding to almost all my texts immediately, when before he wasn't the best texter.

And as for the trip, I know some people might not think it's a good idea but I just can't pass up on seeing him again and actually talking about all this in person. I think I'm the long run I'll be happy I did

Thanks so much for responding I really appreciate it. You bring up a lot of valid points. He's never done long distance before, he only ever thought it was worth trying for me because what we had was so special. You're very right that him kissing that other girl was incredibly wrong of him but he has beaten himself up so much over it and I do believe that it hasn't or wouldn't happen again. He has come to see me a lot, he just hasn't been able to permanently move here. Him moving him here is a big risk because he has probably like 200 dollars to his name and would have to find a way to support himself and would have to depend on me a lot and that makes him understandably uncomfortable.

 

And you're right that I have more experience being in long distance and know how to handle it better. But I've gotten really tired of it as well, though I am so scared to be without him.

 

I said a year because that's the most likely possibility, but it's not set in stone. It could be a year, but it could be much longer than that. Something else I should have mentioned is that his mom has MS. Last time he was living on the east coast she ended up almost entirely paralyzed and he's terrified of that happening again, more so than he lets on. She just got out of a relationship and is living on her own and it gives him peace of mind to be near her.

 

I don't know if I would move to him honestly. I love him but it would be uprooting my life way more than it would his currently. If I got an amazing job or something then I probably would.

 

Also I probably will PM you! I'd like to hear about your story as well, it feels so nice to hear from someone who has experience with this

Short reply because I'm on my phone, but this sounds very much like, again, a circumstantial break up! I think that if neither of you are willing to move to each other then it won't work until one of you can. It's about wanting to make a life together, and if you feel like one of you is "uprooted" if moving occurs then you should wait to continue the relationship until that feeling isn't present. OR you can try to convince him to continue LDR, but I'm not sure how to go about that one or if it's truly healthy - only you know that.

This is not meant to discourage you by the way. On the getting back togethercforum I'm basically the one rooting for everyone's reconciliation.

This is not meant to discourage you by the way. On the getting back togethercforum I'm basically the one rooting for everyone's reconciliation.

That's because everyone else is rooting for the poster to heal.

Reconciliation is not always the right answer. OP, I wouldn't relocate for a guy that wouldn't do the same for me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that sounds as one sided as yours. I know you're heart broken, but what you describe sounds unbalanced.

That's because everyone else is rooting for the poster to heal.

 

Reconciliation is not always the right answer. OP, I wouldn't relocate for a guy that wouldn't do the same for me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that sounds as one sided as yours. I know you're heart broken, but what you describe sounds unbalanced.

you shouldn't assume that just because I want people to be with their ex that I don't want them to heal. It's not mutually exclusive, you know.

But @OP, you do need to consider that the situation is currently not a compatible one. That's why I said it may not work until you guys can compromise about this distance thing.

you shouldn't assume that just because I want people to be with their ex that I don't want them to heal. It's not mutually exclusive, you know.

 

But @OP, you do need to consider that the situation is currently not a compatible one. That's why I said it may not work until you guys can compromise about this distance thing.

I know, but it's frustrating watching you crusade around about how you're better than other posters because you want reconciliation.

Reconciliation isn't healthy or effective unless BOTH partners want it and BOTH partners work to improve prior issues. So most people, as I read the posts, want the original poster to get to an individually healthy state. That requires removing dependence on their ex.

OP, whatever happens, you seem like a sweet and caring person. If it doesn't work out with this guy, I'm confident someone else will come along who doesn't break your heart.

Unfortunately, OP, it sounds like he just wasn't anywhere near as invested as you were anymore. Kissing someone else is evidence of that. Whether it's age or distance, he just isn't into it the same way at this point.

I am not sure what seeing him will accomplish, to be honest. Be careful doing so, as it might be a great few days together, but then what?You will go back home, he'll stay where he is, and it will hurt like hell to say goodbye. Ask yourself what you hope comes out of that meet-up, and if you'll truly be okay if it really is just one last hoorah, so to speak. How will you feel if you go home and then don't hear from him?

I would also tread cautiously on this idea of "exclusive until we meet again", as it's a contradiction of terms. Whose idea was that? He didn't remain exclusive while you were together so I'm not sure I would hold him to that promise now.

Be careful with your heart here, is all I'm saying. It sounds like this relationship wasn't always the best one, with you feeling undervalued at times and him stepping out on you with another girl. We always have to be cautious with whom we invest our hearts, and sometimes have to admit that we're not getting any real return on those investments. As mustlovedogs points out, reconciliation isn't always the best option when one person isn't interested in it.

I know, but it's frustrating watching you crusade around about how you're better than other posters because you want reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation isn't healthy or effective unless BOTH partners want it and BOTH partners work to improve prior issues. So most people, as I read the posts, want the original poster to get to an individually healthy state. That requires removing dependence on their ex.

 

OP, whatever happens, you seem like a sweet and caring person. If it doesn't work out with this guy, I'm confident someone else will come along who doesn't break your heart.

I don't think I'm better than other posters! I have never once said that nor do I act like it. I'm simply tired of having to defend myself constantly to people just because I deliver things in a different way. Not to mention that I'm not just going around trying to convince people that everything will work out with their ex nor am I discouraging the healing process. There's nothing wrong with both realism and optimism, and pretty much every time I post I try to do both. I apologize if my advice bothers you but if you think I'm coming from a place of high horse then I'm sorry but you aren't reading me. My aim has NEVER been to hurt anyone or put anyone down.

in any case, I AGREE with what mustlovedogs is saying here. It makes sense. Not everything is healthy or compatible and it does take both partners to make things work. I do still think that since we're only s bunch of strangers, we can only say so much. Have you tried asking a family member? Unfortunately you might deal with bias but they're closer to the situation than any of us.

Thank you everyone for your responses! I truly do appreciate your advice. Our relationship hasn't been the best at times, his struggle with depression was really, really hard on me but I loved him too much to let him self destruct. And I did help him get to a better place which I'm happy about. I don't think I want to be with him right now, he needs to work on becoming a better partner and have some self growth. I was always so confident, and still am, that if we were in the same place he would be a wonderful partner. He is such a kind, good hearted person and when we're together he does everything he can for me. He has always told me he loves me every single day and we talk for hours almost everyday on FaceTime, he sends me gifts and has always been there to support me through a really horrible year. My family all loves him and so do my friends, but most are in agreement that there's no way we have a future if we continue to be long distance.

I know I want to see him because I want to say goodbye, and I know it'll be devastating but I think it would kill me to be there anyway and not see him.

I also don't think he's really grasping what a break up would mean for us, he still wants to post cute pictures of us and be friends and visit me and be together in the future. It's just very different from how my other relationships have ended haha. I don't know if I should be friends with him or cut off contact and hope that that wakes him up a little and encourages him to finally move for himself like he's been planning to do for so long before me

Oh and also what I meant by exclusive until we meet again is being exclusive for the next few weeks until I see him, not after that

Oh and also what I meant by exclusive until we meet again is being exclusive for the next few weeks until I see him, not after that

Yes, I knew what you meant. But that does mean not dating, or no sex, or?

It means no anything, he doesn't want anything with anyone else either

Honey, you need to look at his actions: he does not want to come to the East Coast to be with you.

You need to ti done with all of this. I can't believe you are going to spend time together on the West Coast! UGH! Hasn't all of this drama and indecision been exhausting?

Find someone local and committed, as it will NEVER be him!

If this guy loved you, he would be with you. He would not have ended the relationship, and found a job on the opposite side of the country. You need to wake up!

He does not love you. Get this guy out of you life. Block and go NC!!!!!!

It means no anything, he doesn't want anything with anyone else either

I think you have wasted enough time on this guy.

Holly,

It's not just so simple to move across the country for a relationship when you're 23, have no money, and no job waiting for you there. Yeah it's a ty situation and he was wrong to promise to move and break that promise. But you're wrong when you say he doesn't love me, and I think I would know that better than you would.

I appreciate your advice to go no contact and I might do that, but I think it's very insulting to tell me he doesn't love me because he has a life of his own. Sure call him insensitive and thoughtless, call me too forgiving, those are fair statements. I would be hesitant to move across the country to live with him and rely on him so much as well.

Mandy, he didn't even try to find a job in your area.

If he loved you, then why did he break up with you? I go by people's actions.

You are really setting yourself up for a lot more pain, by meeting up for your 4 days of romance.

It's time to move on from this guy. A lot of work on your side, and none from his. Love should not be so much work!

And also I just want to clarify to everyone reading this - I currently do NOT want to be with him. I know that logically. If he works on himself more and actually moves here and is ready to be a better partner then I'd consider it. That's what I would ideally want. As for me, I'm hurting and nervous about what my life looks without him but I do know it's what's best right now. I could stand to work on myself as well, as I can be a pushover and accept less than I deserve. I just don't really know how to move forward

He did try to find a job in my area, he just wasn't successful. I understand you disagreeing with me seeing him again but I need to talk about this in person and have some closure. But saying he doesn't love me is just way oversimplifying the situation and I would really appreciate if you didn't do that

You cannot expect people to change. It is not fair to you, or him. Look up co dependency. This guy is not the end all. If he loved you, he would not risk losing you, by breaking up! You also need to stop making excuses for this guy, and see the situation for what it is.

Please, never attach so much importance to others to make you happy. You should not seek others to complete yourself, you do that.

Your romantic holiday is a very bad decision, and will cause you more pain. I strongly suggest you cancel these plans.

We have all survived without our ex's. In time, you will learn and grow from this - I am speaking from experience, and changed my life for the positive. Get out with friends, volunteer, find new hobbies, take classes, go on Meet ups, whatever. Make your life more full.

You may wish to consider therapy, too.

He did try to find a job in my area, he just wasn't successful. I understand you disagreeing with me seeing him again but I need to talk about this in person and have some closure. But saying he doesn't love me is just way oversimplifying the situation and I would really appreciate if you didn't do that

He has broken up with you. What closure do you need?

I would like to see him one more time so I can say goodbye to him in person.

And okay I don't appreciate how insulting you're being. Don't make assumptions about me from a post that I don't already do those things you've suggested for me. I appreciate that you are trying to help me but hammering in hurtful things does the opposite of that so please stop

It means no anything, he doesn't want anything with anyone else either

Then why bother breaking up?

I don't mean that as a rhetorical question. I genuinely don't understand the thinking behind this one. What was the point in breaking up if you're still going to remain exclusive to each other until this visit? Why not just stay together and see how the visit in a few weeks goes, and then break up if you're both not feeling it and still see no future together?

I would be very hesitant to put myself on hold for a guy who didn't want to make the effort to close the gap anymore. Whose idea was it to remain exclusive until then? I fear you are setting yourself up to get your heart broken all over again, my friend. Like I said, this is a guy who didn't stay committed while you still had the title of boyfriend-girlfriend. No, he might not hook up with anyone in the meantime but he doesn't have the best track-record of holding up his end of the deal anyway, I'm afraid. He's not someone who you can trust in that way.