What if she doesn't say I Love You Back?

Hi everyone. I have been dating my girlfriend since January. After long hard thought I have finally come to realise that I love her. I totally accept her and do not want to be with anyone else. I have wanted to tell her for around 2 months but I have held it in and it is making me crazy. We have met each other's families, she gets on great with my 4 year old son, we spend lots of time together too. She can be a very withdrawn about her feelings and I remember her telling me the the L word freaks her out and she is very used to taking things slow. Few questions. I really want to tell her so I know where I stand either way. Correct me if I'm wrong but if we spend 8 months of staying with each other 3/4 times per week she should know she loves me. I think if she doesn't love me at this stage she probably never will. I also don't want to waste my time or allow my child to get more attached if she doesn't feel the same. Some sites say give her time if she doesn't say it back. The last couple of months have been torture of wanting to tell her and holding it in. I don't think I could cope with waiting around to see if she feels the same. Help !!!

Thank you xx

Hi

By your message I can tell that you guys have spend a lot of time together.

You both have also stayed together for a fair bit of time.

I think you need to be careful here because your son is involved here.

Also 8 months is a long time she should know by now that you love her and she has had enough time to understand if she loves you back.

You need to take the leap of faith and get this cleared up because this will leave you in a vulnerable position if you don't clarify this with her.

Because you need to protect your son too.

Another though you have to think about is, is her loving you back more important or having her around is more important.

Unfortunately you need to make this call for yourself because you know your situation best.

Based on this you would be able to understand what you value more and where you need to be spending your time and efforts.

Thanks and warm regards

Meographer

Thank you so much for that. Yes I totally agree that a leap of faith is needed. Not to sound like a pig but I have a good career, my own home, a beautiful son and I know my own worth. I am not going to settle if she doesn't love me back and keep her around. I deserve someone who loves me just as much as I love her, I want it to be her but I am dignified enough to walk away if she doesn't feel she loves me at this stage. It is very difficult, I don't want to lose her although I can't subject myself to torture wondering if she loves me back much longer.

I think 8 months is long enough now to express your feelings ..go for it ...

I agree Pippy! To be fair she has become slightly more distant this past month or so. It is down to 1 of two things, waiting for me to say I love her or she knows she doesn't. Either way I have to know. I have put more time and energy into this girl than most others out of love. I'm not staying if she doesn't feel the same at this stage. Yes I will miss her but I deserve someone who feels the same and she deserves someone who perhaps has the same attitude to the L word as her.

She can be a very withdrawn about her feelings

there's a certain level of emotional inhibition in a surprising number of grownups that makes them act like acts and words of love and attachment are disasters to be avoided at all costs. what's worse is that entails huge defenses against intimacy in general on their part and then as a partner, you're scammed out of what partners need and deserve. i agree with you on not settling for someone whose attitude about you, especially at this point, is anything other than an enthusiastic "hell yeah".

you're not kids, you both know yourselves enough to know what you want and not. if she has emotional issues in the way, and she isn't doing everything in her power to shovel them away yesterday, i'd remind myself my son and i aren't the therapy couch on which another wonders whether we mean enough or not. i find you stop wasting time on someone else's defenses against attachment when you're done with yours and the need to work through them on the playground of complementary neuroses is gone.

you're not just "dating", you're not just "talking", you're not just "getting to know each other". you've brought her into your son's life. she's either sure of this or she isn't.

i wouldn't worry about the word itself so much, but her general standpoint on the relationship, and how she expresses it.

if she has doubts, she can waste her own feelings on mulling over them.

She can be affectionate and definitely allows me to be affectionate towards her. She's not big on talking about her feelings but when asked she can disclose some bits and pieces. I just don't think she is a very emotional person. Slightly on the quiet side. Intimacy with her isn't an issue, she can be physically intimate and has told me during the initial honeymoon phase that she was crazy about me and that she only wants to be with me. So she is getting a bit more distant this past month or so. She admitted that a previous partner told her he loved her and it freaked her out. Although she did say it wasn't as serious and fully fledged of a relationship than ours was. For me and my son, after 8 months of trying to bring her into my life and show her I care, I don't think I can accept anything less than her saying she loves me back. That's how I feel but I'm unsure if this is selfish or bully tactics to force her to feel something.

i didn't mean physically.

with a child, i'd want to be certain i'm not getting involved with people who can be freaked out.

and i'd want the cat out of the bag on the subject of her "growing distant", if that's indeed what's happening.

children being quickly, intensely and lastingly influenced by early attachment, loss, the caregiving environment and it's inefficiencies, it takes away the luxury of being able to afford to stall this kind of stuff imo.

As I said previously she may be growing distant due to wondering if I love her. Although my actions say yes I haven't said it to her yet. My solid plan is to tell her I love her and if she cannot reciprocate I am going to tell her that she should know by this stage and I am not prepared to keep going to lead both myself and my son down the garden path. It isn't fair on either of us.

As I said previously she may be growing distant due to wondering if I love her. Although my actions say yes I haven't said it to her yet. My solid plan is to tell her I love her and if she cannot reciprocate I am going to tell her that she should know by this stage and I am not prepared to keep going to lead both myself and my son down the garden path. It isn't fair on either of us.

I absolutely applaud your straight , no nonsense outlook . I hope this all works out and she feels the same back , however , I have a feeling you are going to be ok whatever the outcome .

As I said previously she may be growing distant due to wondering if I love her. Although my actions say yes I haven't said it to her yet. My solid plan is to tell her I love her and if she cannot reciprocate I am going to tell her that she should know by this stage and I am not prepared to keep going to lead both myself and my son down the garden path. It isn't fair on either of us.

When it comes to dating ,I don't think 8 months is that long at all. Maybe don't put so much pressure the first time you say it. I don't think there should be this huge build up and pressure put on the both of you... that's not what love is.

When you say it the first time it should be a natural expression of your feelings, you're wanting to make it an ultimatum... I'd run too and I'm not afraid of commitment so that should tell you something.

Your choice to introduce your son before you knew where she stood was your choice and your cross to bear. Don't put that pressure on her.

I agree with you because your son is now involved you should know where her head is but the pressure thing? Nope, not good when women do it and not good when men do it, it causes people to bolt and it's not the road I'd take. You can express your feelings about your son and a long term relationship without the threat of walking away. You can decide that for yourself but using it as a bargaining chip? NO!

So she has been growing distant for at least a month, doesn't like sharing her feelings, and was "freaked out" when a previous partner said they loved her. And you think that saying you love her is what she is looking for? That sounds more of what you're looking for, and the timing is coming from insecurity you may be feeling.

People can say words, but actions tell the real story. The I-love-you moment may turn out not being how you envision it. But communication is very important to learn. In an extremely careful way, such as not appearing to be accusing or calling her out, it would seem a lot better to talk with her about your perception that she is growing distant. That may lead to her saying she has strong feelings for you but doesn't know how to deal with it, or she is simply in 8 month cruise control, has things on her mind that have nothing to do with you, or something else she has been thinking about as far as the relationship.

Well for a compatible partner that I feel I deserve I would like to know we are both in love at this stage. On face value 8 months may not seem very long but we stay in each other's houses at least 3 nights per week. It's the quality of time. We do plenty together, we have plans on the horizon. We have a trip away next month for a couple of days too. We are going to a family party belonging to her tomorrow. So she involves me in her family too. Do you not feel that if the feeling isn't mutual she equally deserves someone with the same attitude to love as I have?

But I now physically cannot hold in how I feel about her. I'm so ready to tell her how I feel. I'm not going to mention my son or anything when telling her, I'm just going to say it. If she doesn't reciprocate it, at that point is when I will say that I want and deserve someone who is mature enough to know what she wants after 8 months of a committed relationship. I will also say that I don't want to wait and be on edge waiting for her to fall in love with me which may not happen.

When you say it the first time it should be a natural expression of your feelings, you're wanting to make it an ultimatum... I'd run too and I'm not afraid of commitment so that should tell you something.

rushing to say a word in hopes it sweeps her potential reservations under the rug isn't a very sustainable solution.

i think at this point neither of you should have such a problem communicating and expressing yourself candidly enough for each to know where the other stands, for a single utterance to make such a difference.

i also agree that if you introduced a child into it before you had that certainty (or when you perhaps acted on initial infatuation as certainty), you'd do well to take it upon yourself to acquire more clarity about the relationship. she's spoken about freaking out, about her ex, she's vaguely emotionally inhibited and you're not aware of the implications of that, she's been "distant" for a month and a half and you only have speculations (or maybe a projection regarding the L word) about why that is--- that's all so fuzzy man. between people who share a life and merge families, none of this should be a such a guessing game. do you habitually talk about this? and if you don't- is it fair to deem her not verbally expressive enough for not having uttered the L word, while, it sounds like, you haven't brought up open questions of your own?

just my two cents with the very little context you provide, but i'd wonder about your communication habits as a couple, or alternatively, the time and effort invested in actually getting to know one another (and whether the "knowing" wasn't replaced by infatuation early on, now to have dissipated to leave you this uncertain).

mature enough to know what she wants after 8 months of a committed relationship.

because for it to depend on one statement is pretty limited.

But I now physically cannot hold in how I feel about her. I'm so ready to tell her how I feel. I'm not going to mention my son or anything when telling her, I'm just going to say it. If she doesn't reciprocate it, at that point is when I will say that I want and deserve someone who is mature enough to know what she wants after 8 months of a committed relationship. I will also say that I don't want to wait and be on edge waiting for her to fall in love with me which may not happen.

Love is not a bargaining chip! I agree with the other poster, she's pulling away and it's causing you to panic so youre using 'love' to gauge where she's at while also preparing an exit strategy to protect your heart. I can understand that but I cannot express how bad of an idea it will be to tell someone you love them and then immediately break up with them if they don't respond the way YOU feel they should. Tell her you love her because you do, not to soothe your anxiety. Love isn't a chess move.

I personally think you should hold off on telling her until you two get through this rough patch so you know there's no underlying reason for saying it. Sometimes we lie to ourselves...

Honestly, I don't think we are going through a rough patch per se. I think I am just more sensitive because I do love this woman and my mind is made up on that. Holding it in has certainly affected me. She still calls/texts. We were speaking on the phone half an hour ago and discussed our trip away! Although I am open minded to maybe giving her a little more time if she doesn't reciprocate entirely. I do love her, no doubt and I am telling her because I mean it. Of course I am. I am open to allowing her to maybe chase me a little more and show me how she feels over a certain period of time. But not forever.

Honestly, I don't think we are going through a rough patch per se. I think I am just more sensitive because I do love this woman and my mind is made up on that. Holding it in has certainly affected me. She still calls/texts. We were speaking on the phone half an hour ago and discussed our trip away! Although I am open minded to maybe giving her a little more time if she doesn't reciprocate entirely. I do love her, no doubt and I am telling her because I mean it. Of course I am. I am open to allowing her to maybe chase me a little more and show me how she feels over a certain period of time. But not forever.

Good, tell her without any expectations. Tell her because you mean it and then let some time pass. Give her time to process and come to you. You'll get a vibe, if she's otherwise showing you her love, don't make any knee jerk reactions, but if she continues to pull away... well it may be time to evaluate things.

Absolutely. If she gets very emotional and affectionate and explains fully where she is and 100% committed to me but needs some more time I will give it to her. Maybe a month or so. But not much more. I'm just going to come right out and say it to her. No big build up about my son or anything. Just ask her to look at me, hold her hand and say it. That's the plan. But if she gets totally freaked out that's another story. She should at least not freak out but be grateful at my feeling towards her. If she freaks il evaluate things

Absolutely. If she gets very emotional and affectionate and explains fully where she is and 100% committed to me but needs some more time I will give it to her. Maybe a month or so. But not much more. I'm just going to come right out and say it to her. No big build up about my son or anything. Just ask her to look at me, hold her hand and say it. That's the plan. But if she gets totally freaked out that's another story. She should at least not freak out but be grateful at my feeling towards her. If she freaks il evaluate things

I was with you until the bolded. You have so many expectations attached to those words... may I ask why?

I don't say it back. I feel my words are diminished if offered for the first time in that context.

I think 8 months is long enough now to express your feelings ..go for it ...

Go with Pippy's advice!!!

My expectations are there because I have shown 100% commitment, shown her that I do love her and have put the effort in to make her happy. I'm not saying she hasn't, she has! But she would play her cards much closer to her chest than what I would. Always has done. I would say the honeymoon phase is over and we are settled into the routine of the relationship. Going from a high level of affection to a lesser one has got me overthinking because I do love this girl and her reaction will tell me if she feels the same. I'm saying I love you because I mean it, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume 8 months is long enough to realise you love someone. Same for her too.

Then tell her, tonight!!!!!