Girlfriend has some toughts and it bothers me

Hello everyone, I just found this site by googling, so not sure what to expect..

Anyway I need an advice, other opininon, I will try to be short and concise.

Im a man, 29 yo, in a long relationship (over 10 years) with 2 year younger girl. We are still doing ok, no serious fights etc... But lately i noticed that our behavior gradually changed... She is more cold, and unwilling to go or do stuff with me (travel, go out, party, etc). We talked about it and figured it out.. we started improving it, and its working. I can say its going ok. Here is the issue, sex. I dont want to type walls of text what exacly was I noticing, but we detected the sex as a 2nd problem. Important fact is that we both had only each other sex-wise. Please do not judge, you dont know our relationship, we were 100% honest, always! whatever it is... So here it goes... She confessed that more and more, she has toughts... about other men. She doesnt want those toughts and I believe her. She often thinks what else is out there, she wants better sex esentially, more excitiment, more passion. I will use her exact words: "I sometimes enjoy the sex very much, but sometimes I just go through the motion and wait for it to finish. What if that someone other, does it better then you?". She ofcourse never asked of me to try that. Also I should point out that I am pretty confident, I dont think my looks or anything physical is the problem.

I am proud of my rship... whatever you might think now, there are basically none rship that lasted this long with on problems, especially in out young age. I would do anything to make it right.

Do you have some suggestion/tought about this? Also, my main question is: should I somehow let her...find out what else is out there?

Hello everyone, I just found this site by googling, so not sure what to expect..

 

Anyway I need an advice, other opininon, I will try to be short and concise.

 

Im a man, 29 yo, in a long relationship (over 10 years) with 2 year younger girl. We are still doing ok, no serious fights etc... But lately i noticed that our behavior gradually changed... She is more cold, and unwilling to go or do stuff with me (travel, go out, party, etc). We talked about it and figured it out.. we started improving it, and its working. I can say its going ok. Here is the issue, sex. I dont want to type walls of text what exacly was I noticing, but we detected the sex as a 2nd problem. Important fact is that we both had only each other sex-wise. Please do not judge, you dont know our relationship, we were 100% honest, always! whatever it is... So here it goes... She confessed that more and more, she has toughts... about other men. She doesnt want those toughts and I believe her. She often thinks what else is out there, she wants better sex esentially, more excitiment, more passion. I will use her exact words: "I sometimes enjoy the sex very much, but sometimes I just go through the motion and wait for it to finish. What if that someone other, does it better then you?". She ofcourse never asked of me to try that. Also I should point out that I am pretty confident, I dont think my looks or anything physical is the problem.

 

I am proud of my rship... whatever you might think now, there are basically none rship that lasted this long with on problems, especially in out young age. I would do anything to make it right.

 

Do you have some suggestion/tought about this? Also, my main question is: should I somehow let her...find out what else is out there?

That was unnecessary.

Yes I think that both need to find out what else is there.

She was very young when she got involved with you, and now she is curious about what else is out there. In short, she's outgrowing the relationship and wants to explore. Also, her comment about someone else possibly being better than you was quite insensitive but points to the fact that she has grown very complacent and restless in the relationship.

In these situations, unfortunately, you can't make it right because it's not about you. She wants to experience other men, which is not something you can fix. That's on her to decide whether she wants to explore those curiosities at the expense of her relationship, or not. You have come to a point where you two need to re-evaluate if there is still a future here. She is essentially warning you that she is not so sure anymore.

She confessed that more and more, she has toughts... about other men. She doesnt want those toughts and I believe her. She often thinks what else is out there, she wants better sex esentially, more excitiment, more passion. I will use her exact words: "I sometimes enjoy the sex very much, but sometimes I just go through the motion and wait for it to finish. What if that someone other, does it better then you?".

Someone who says such things deserves to be dumped on the spot, in my opinion. I know that 10 years is a long, long time and it would probably be one of the hardest things you could ever do, but her behaviour suggests that she's detaching from you emotionally and she feels trapped in your relationship.

I would dump her before she dumps you, but that's just me.

Hi

As someone who got out of a decade long relationship three and a half years ago. I was 22 and very young when it began. I might offer some helpful advice.

We grow a lot in ten years as im sure you already know.

I know i wasnt the same person at 32 compared to back then at 22.

The thing is, is its true you either grow together or you dont.

It sounds like even though its harsh to hear. She is telling you in more ways then with just those words.

Everything including sex is routine. Its not the same anymore. There isnt any excitement or passion or the thrill of adventure. You may not argue much and things seem fine.

But inside her she has changed and is growing restless.

She isnt someone you want to keep for another ten years. Its not fair to your heart.

Once somebody becomes fickle in long term and is wanting a different partner. It means they out grew you.

That isnt right or easy. Its just was never meant to be forever.

You want someone who after ten years says "Wow! How awesome we have come so far and know what each others turn on and turn off are!"

You deserve that.

I was once in your shoes three years ago and had to let go. Once i did i found peace.

Good luck

Lisa

I really appreciate all the answers and the time you took to answer me. Thank you. Especically limichelle's and MissCanuck's answers which are very constructive. My friends have similar opinion about it, but are also saying that I cannot be sure that it is 100% like that, and that a slight chance exists. Anyway, after talking to friends and after reading your kind comments, which are 100% objective since we dont know each other, I am leaning toward breaking up.

Big decision. I really hope it will lead to mutual happiness.

Anyway, if anyone else feels like it has to say something, I would gladly hear it.

Perhaps you have outgrown eachother. She was a 17 year old girl in highschool when you started dating --- she hasn't dated anyone else and she has become a different person. I would not "dump her on the spot" for her honesty. I would talk. Tell her maybe if she feels that she wants the experience of dating someone else its best to break up. A 10 year relationship is also a long relationship without it moving up (engagement, marriage) as well and people tend to wonder whether they want to be with that person or not.

also, its one thing to talk to one person who is a mentor to you, but do not talk to all your friends about your relationship. Keep your relationship issues in your relationship instead of asking the peanut gallery. Sometimes friends have their own agendas.

Well, let's look at the best case and worse case scenarios of what could happen if you let her "see what else is out there."

Best case: She "sees what else is out there," decides it was a huge mistake, comes running back to you, throws herself into your arms, and pledges her renewed and undying love and devotion to you. Probably won't happen, but I guess it's possible. What then? How quickly would you be able to get the image of another guy's paws all over your woman out of your head? Would you ever get over it?

Worst case, she just never comes back.

Honestly, you are unfortunately in a bit of a powerless position here. Her heart's not in this thing anymore and you aren't going to talk her into feeling differently, nor get her back with cards and flowers. Your best move is simply to back way off and see of she circles back around to you. Give her the space to potentially decide that this is still what she wants.