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Thread: Wife won't talk to my family

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How many years have they been treating her like this?
    We've been together for 5 years and things weren't ever spectacular with my fam, but during the first 2 years we didn't enforce any major boundaries, and after we started to things got more intense with them.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How many years have they been treating her like this?
    We've been together for 5 years, but things were not as bad in the first 2 years. When we started to enforce boundaries, things quickly got intense and overwhelming.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Snny

    Whatever happened between her and your family cost her trust and sense of safety around them- even if they try to be cordial now. It's a difficult hurdle to overcome and mend your relationship with your inlaws after they mistreat you.

    It is up to you to speak up to your parents when it comes to establishing boundaries and handling arguments. Even though she's your wife, it's not her place to argue or confront your parents/siblings about marriage boundaries and behavior. That responsibility falls on you. Personally, the best approach is your wife ignoring them or placing a temporarily block until the pregnancy is done. Either way, she is avoiding any potential confrontation with them by letting you know they are bothering her and that you need to do something about it. Indirectly, she appears to be questioning how you are enforcing marriage boundaries with your side of the family.
    Thank you so much for your response. It is amazing. I've quoted the two parts that hit really close to home for me. You are absolutely right. The volatile family relationship has indeed cost her a sense of trust and safety around them. That will take time to heal and will require improvements on their side, though, I'm not holding my breath the latter will happen. She is right that she doesn't need any toxicity in her life right now. What I wonder is, if my family is now reaching out with a new positivity, shouldn't there be at least a little communication to help things move in the right direction?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    Them changing from this ^ and TIME is the only cure.

    Ps, imagine yourself in her shoes. Would you want to talk to her family?
    Very, very true. I just don't know when or how my parents will change. Every time I ask them to change their ways, and insist that they do so from a loving place - they tend to get immediately defensive and argumentative. It is as if they cannot ever admit fault. I desperately want them to find a way to genuinely reconcile, and put their egos aside. When I put myself in my wife's shoes, I get it. But I also know that I don't like cutting people off, and would try to find a way to have a relationship given it is family.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Stay_home
    What have you done on your wife's behalf to support her?
    I have set major boundaries. We only see my family at most twice a year. We stay in hotels, and we only see them for 3-4 hours at a time, for a max of 2 days. She hasn't spoken to them in 8 months now. I have literally changed my entire relationship with them at her. In regards to her pregnancy, I'm 110% there for her, and inspired to be. I do a lot for her, and I don't expect anything in return. It's my duty, and I do it with pride. I just really want us to have an extended family - sometimes I feel like she eventually wants to cut off my family forever, and I don't want that. I think family is really important, and we should find a way to get along.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    As a wife who has been treated like this by her husband's family for 28 years this will end your relationship or she will come to hate your family and resent you, you better tell them to back off.
    You are absolutely right. I know I am on thin ice, so I know I need to deliver here. But I also don't want to feel like I'm not speaking up when I have a point a view about how we might mend this relationship. I think ignoring people for a year isn't the way to go. Torn, because I understand her pain, but I don't get her solution.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    It's that simple, really.
    I truly, truly, wish that were the case. I have a very volatile, temper prone mother. Things tend to get ridiculous when I communicate boundaries, or try to tell her when her behavior is unacceptable. , it gives me anxiety too. Sometimes I wish I could just write an email with it all. I know that sounds avoidant, but I want to pull my hair out when I can't get through to my parents about how their behavior needs to change. They are just so stubborn.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Agree with everyone else. Back up your wife. Put yourself in her shoes, and all that stuff.

    Sounds like your family is miserable, sorry. I would hate for them to be my in-laws. Mind you, I would never put a future partner in a room with my own mother alone for more than a few minutes, so trust me when I know what I'm speaking of.
    They are the only inlaws we have. My wife has already gone no contact with her parents. Without my family we have no one.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Back up your wife. Her request is reasonable. Save your energy for later, use this as a regrouping bonding time for you and your wife.

    I think it's smart of her to do this. She has to look out for her and the baby's health. And they need to learn they are not entitled to meddling in your lives. She knows once the baby is here, their control issues will likely come out full force. She knows it is better if they can be part of baby's life. She's setting the stage now to try to do that in a way that will work.

    Unless I'm misunderstanding and she has said they will not be allowed to know the baby?

    Healing starts with trust. They should be able to respect a hiatus in order to try and build some. For everyone involved. And so should you. Just my opinion
    Healing does indeed start with trust. I agree with you 100%. I hope to god my parents can respect this. If history is any indication, they won't.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Snny
    I like this point and never saw it this way. She's "quietly" setting boundaries when the OP isn't or is showing he's not very capable of doing such.

    I come from a very dominant, controlling, and opinionated family. Fire captain, government worker, educator, and politician secretary all wrapped in one, and we have very heated debates. My family has shown a lot of excitement for my pregnancy and we're giving me unwarranted advice... and I had to uncenter myself from them a few times because itheirbenergy levels were starting to overwhelm me.

    I'm very fortunate that my inlaws live outside the country. However, they are also very excited, want to make travel plans around my delivery date, and expect to be right at the hospital while I'm giving birth, then stay at our house for a month helping me care for the baby. I'm not helping them organize their visa process like I did during wedding planning. Though I am extremely grateful for the support, I know I am going to be so exhausted and recovering for several weeks. I even need to prep myself for the deliver, and the last thing I want is to entertain foreign guests while I'm trying to prepare, heal and bond with my baby/husband during this major life changing event. I've had some serious talks wth my husband about laying down these boindaries with friends and family around my pregnancy because I'm not going to have the energy to do it, not will I mentally exert myself to do it for the baby's sake.

    It is so crucial that the OP steps up for his wife and listens to her as loud my as she is being reasonable- and she really is. This request isn't "baby brain" talk.
    You are right. I don't think it is "baby brain" talk either - though - I'm not really able to tell what is these days. I don't dare to tell my wife when her emotions are getting the best of her. This is a situation where she is anxious, worried, and trying to set firm boundaries. She says that in the past she has done things taking into consideration my feelings, and therefore neglecting her own needs. I just think this approach is so severe. How can I hope for any kind of cordial / decent relationship if she won't even entertain a phone call or text? How can I hope that we might have a normal family life when she wants nothing to do with them? It seems she's made up her mind about who they are, and who they have the potential to be. She doesn't believe that they will ever improve. I know in my heart that they are good, loving people, who do in fact mean well. I know we can have a decent family life, but that begins with trying!!

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