Should I divorce after 12 years

I've been married for 12 years but I'm having doubts about staying. I'm a stay at home mom of three girls, aged 11,10 and 2 years old. My husband comes from an upbringing where Value is placed on the woman based on how good of a housewife she is. After 12 years it's the same argument, that i don't clean correctly or enough, that the backyard is not impecable, that I don't dress nice, that I'm overweight and disgust him which is why he doesn't want to be intimate, that l lack spark, have no drive to better myself, mediocre, and that I'm a bad role model for my girls. I cook everyday and try my best to have the house clean when he gets home. But to him if the back of the tv is a bit dusty then that means I didn't clean and that I'm lazy. I have a 2 year old that is super rambunctious and it's hard to get things done like watering the plants or sweeping the backyard. I graduated from UCLA with an evolutionary bio major and anthro minor, I'm not a lazy or ignorant person. But it seems all the work I do all day is not enough. I'm never enough. The worst part is that my husband tells his mom and sister everything and now they but into our lives telling me I need to do more and obey. His sister even told me I wasn't half the women she is. I just can't take it! I'm tired of being scolded like a child, of being put down, of being valued according to how good my skills are at using a broom and mop. And to top it off, he told me today my weight disgusts him and that he's always told me he doesn't sleep with fat girls. I'm 5'7 and weigh 200 pounds, it's been hard losing the weight since my last daughter was born. But I can't even go to a gym because we moved an hour away from my only family, my mom and sister and we have no one else to help us in our new home. Plus at home he doesn't help with the 2 year old, even when he sees I'm busing cooking, cleaning or washing. Bottom line, he made it clear today that he's never going to change and that if I don't step up to the plate we're gonna keep having problems. But I've already tried so hard to be the ideal housewife and it's not enough. I don't know if he does have a point and it's me being stubborn or whether this type of behavior on his part is extreme and not acceptable. I don't know. I have no one to talk to. I'm just letting it all out. Thank you.

Go see a lawyer. I think if you know your options you might get the strength you need to leave him.

What is your and his nationality/culture?

You've done all you can.

Your husband is unreasonable and a bully. You could never measure up, and he will NEVER change.

I would get legal counsel, to figure the best way out. This is not good on you, and your girls are absorbing ALL of this.

Why can't you talk to friends or family?

@ Thatwasthen. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I think if I do speak with a lawyer it might give the courage to step up and make a change.He was born in Mexico and I was born and raised in California by Salvadoran parents. But I've come to the realization that Mexican culture is very different from what I'm accustomed to. My parents were all about equality and empowerment. And even though my husband claims to be about that too, it seems since I'm at stay at home mom it doesn't apply to me for some reason.

@hollyj...thank you so much for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it. Well, if I tell my mom I know she will be furious and want to tell him off, and I have enough problems as it is. I come from a Christian faith and believe in marriage but I'm at a point where I'm not sure if leaving is the right thing to do or whether I'm being disobedient by not conforming. My mother-in-law keeps throwing scriptures in my face and almost putting the blame on me. But hearing you say that he is in actuality being more of a bully lets me know that his behavior is not correct. Bless you for your advice.

God! This sounds like the 1950s. You're suffering from mental and emotional adbuse, Your husband owns you and you're treated like a slave. You probably won't leave him, but you should get your mother and sister to take you in and you should leave.

@hollyj...thank you so much for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it. Well, if I tell my mom I know she will be furious and want to tell him off, and I have enough problems as it is. I come from a Christian faith and believe in marriage but I'm at a point where I'm not sure if leaving is the right thing to do or whether I'm being disobedient by not conforming. My mother-in-law keeps throwing scriptures in my face and almost putting the blame on me. But hearing you say that he is in actuality being more of a bully lets me know that his behavior is not correct. Bless you for your advice.

God would not advocate this type of treatment. A wife is not a servant or slave. There should be mutual love and respect within your marriage.

If you can't do this for you, then you need to consider the example you are setting for your children. Do you want their husbands to treat them like this?

Stop using excuses and playing the martyr, you know that this guy is emotionally abusive - God does not allow this - and you should not be treated this way.

Get out!

Obey? What is this obey BS? Can you move yourself and your kids in with your mother and/or sister until you can get a place of your own? This guy is not going to change, he sounds like a rude, gross, slave driver. You owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of there asap. Make a plan to move out. Find the local women's shelter and call them, they can help you. That's no way to live.

While he's at work, start researching your options for legal council and for setting yourself up to be less dependent on him. You have internet access so even if you don't have access to a vehicle and/ or can't drive, you can still get in contact with local resources. Women's resource centres, non profit organizations, government websites.

Start building your support network of trusted people. If you can reach out to family, friends, contacts in your community.

You have an education and skills, start thinking of how you can put those in play.

You may be eligible for free councilling as well. Take it. Secular would be better as there is less bias. You need to examine why you have allowed this and chosen this life for you and your girls. It's not okay .

Your husband is a terrible human being. How dare he insult you this way! I feel bad for you. Start on your exit strategy today. He doesn't deserve you.

My marriage is currently going southwards too. I also am a victim of spousal abuse, I can only advice that you think of your sanity. A seperation has to be the next step whilst you heal. The people on this sight have been amazing, so sis I hope you feel encouraged. You are not alone!