Loss and the Inner Me Child

In lieu of therapy, which I might - probably - definitely need, I considered this forum as a way to anonymously convey my thoughts and feelings without judgment and maybe with some words of advice. Lit is how I roll - lit is how to live. Creative makes the sadness seem better and more distant.

I guess I should start at the beginning to tell my incontrovertibly dramatic tale. It starts with a man and a woman - who so wanted a child of their own. The woman loved her boy child and the man loved her child like his own. But they wanted that connection together. Out of many years and much want, they finally got what they wanted - then me she child. But years of suffering and wanting take a toll on the human brain and this man and woman were not strangers to much suffering in their lives. So as the me child grows, she grows with a codependent woman and an alcoholic man. The me she child loves them both dearly, but yelling, neglect, and sadness pervade.

When she me child grows to adulthood, she dreams of running away to a city far away and becoming what she never has been - free. But man has other plans. Years of self aggression and mutilation trigger an unthinkable physical effect. Man has a stroke. The me she child watches as her dreams fade and reality grow stronger. Boy child left long ago and never came back. There's only me she child to help her broken man mend and help her woman stand on two feet. She's there for ten solid years watching them and growing. She finds peace in education, a family in friends and boy boyfriend, and continues on by her woman and man.

But once again life has other plans. Woman suffers physical ailments - the American diabetes, heart failure from American diabetes, and other beastialities of the flesh. Man is ever the same. But now he's more loving and childlike, and nurturing. And again life has other plans. Man is diagnosed with the final stages of cancer and is set to the grueling task of chemo. He becomes yellow. He becomes frail. Me child becomes very - very - sad for her man. As he lays dying, me child flees to be with her man but misses him. Her woman sits in the wings and is despondent - loss without her other partner. Family comes, family goes. No one asks about me girl child. No one thinks to care about the loss of the man. No one cares to think of the loss to themselves. "Do this, girl child." "MAN should have always been a better person." The world is angry and magenta. The world is melancholic oceans.

This was two weeks ago. And since then nothing has changed. Man is lost, woman is lost, me girl child is angry and lost. The boy the me child holds flames for criticizes and is unhelpful. She cries and is in pain, but he is forever distant - non empathetic. "You can't miss your grad classes this semester. Your second year starts next week - you can't stop now." "You say you'll go back in spring - but you won't, you know that now." "You need to go to work now." "You need a job you like better now." "You need to help me with ____ now, now, now." Crying in silent. Crying in cover. Friends disappear, afraid of the me child and afraid of the sad. Eggshells all except for the once idyllic boy flame, who naps on the couch after a me child works and works and schools and moms a woman left alone by herself.

What is she to do? Move on. Think of god? Peace. Serenity. Forgiveness. Love. Seeing man in everything like flies stuck on feet or rental gas tanks. Or ravens crowing in a wooded field next to the train tracks. Anger. Rejection of a god that she never believes in and can't. Regret? And still her life may have other plans.

So let me get this straight. Your parents argued when you were growing up. Your brother eventually left. You're in school. Your father died 2 weeks ago and your mother is sad and has diabetes. And you're sad. And I'm not sure if you have a boyfriend or if you're talking about your brother.

If I got this straight, your father died two weeks ago, and of course you are mourning his death. You will mourn for a long time. Two years is usually the average period for someone to mourn the loss of a parent, a lover, or the death of a relationship.

There's no quick solution, only time will heal the wound. There's nothing you can do about it, just hang on. Your friends may be giving you some alone time to deal with the loss. You'll come out of your "funk" in time. So hang in there.