Sister getting married, why does everyone think I'm hurt or jealous?

A little background...I'm now 40 years old, never been married (or engaged for that matter) and have always wanted marriage and family that's no secret.

 

My baby sister, who is 33 years old, just got engaged.

 

I'll be honest 10 years ago I never would have thought she'd be married before I was but as I got older I came to see that it could happen. It's totally normal for her to be engaged at this point in her life (of course she got engaged after dating this guy for 3 months but that's not the point). If she's happy and this is what she wants, then YAY! I'm so happy for her! I admit I didn't gush and freak out when I got the news because I was so surprised at the timeline (everyone was) but really, I am overjoyed for her.

 

I'm currently in a great relationship. We haven't really talked about engagement or marriage yet (1.5 years in) but I'm thrilled with the relationship I love where we are, I'm 100% comfortable and confident in it. I am so content with what I have that there's really no way I would be hurt by or jealous of what my sister has. And she knows this. She came to visit me the week before she got engaged and met my boyfriend and saw how happy I am, how happy we are.

 

But....everyone is walking on eggshells around me my sister waited a full 2 weeks to even tell me she was engaged with some story about she wanted my brothers and I to be together when she told us (but she told us via group text so I fail to see how our physical geographic location was a factor in that). She hasn't told me anything about the proposal, or her plans. It's been 2 months and she just last week asked me if I would be in her wedding. Every time I talk to her she just seems reserved and weird. And she bought me an unusually large and generous gift for my birthday, which honestly seems like a guilt present. She is always generous but this was too much and I told her more than once she didn't have to buy it or buy all of it, but she did.

 

My mom is acting the same way....sometimes giving me little tidbits of information before I hear them from my sister but not nearly as much as I know she knows. I get it. It's not illogical to be worried that I'm a little jealous or that this makes me sad in some way, but it doesn't...I'm okay. REALLY, I swear. I'm more than okay!

 

I feel like they are avoiding me and that I'm being left out, and that they feel like they are protecting me by acting this way. I don't want them to treat me like a victim of circumstance or some fragile person. I'm not a victim and I don't feel fragile at all...I suppose until I realized they all think this about me. When I realized what was going on why they are acting like this around me, that's when I wanted to cry.

 

I'll see my sister this weekend and meet her new fiance for the first time (my boyfriend will be there too not sure what if any alone time we'll get). How do I put this to rest and get everyone to move on?

Short answer. You can't.

 

You can't really change the way they perceive this. Trying to change it will only make it worse.

 

You can only control how you deal with them being annoying about it. If you just dismiss everything and let it roll off you that is your best chance. But them seeing you get annoyed because they are annoying will just make them think you are bothered by it anyways.

You put it to rest by just acting like your genuine self, happy for her, with your boyfriend by your side.

 

My friend's family has a group of 20-something kids, where each of them, one by one, got engaged, and have all recently gotten married. Except this one girl! So adorable, so sweet, and with the most awesome boyfriend! But....he would not propose, for whatever reason. She kept going to all the weddings, being the fun, cute bridesmaid, throwing amazing showers, and just acting like her genuine, adorable self. After the last one of the group got married last year, guess what....he proposed! Turns out, he was waiting until all the others were done, so that she could have her own moment. But here's the thing......everyone has been walking on eggshells around her for the past year. Constantly asking her, in private....."are you ok??" "How are you holding up?" "Your time will come!!" and this just annoyed me, as she just kept her smile on.

 

Turns out, she really was genuinely happy for everyone, and she really wasn't thinking about anyone but the couple getting married.

 

I think that people just want to make something out of nothing. Even now, as her wedding is approaching, everyone is talking about what a "great sport" she's been. Um, she's just being herself, can't anyone be happy for her?

Short answer. You can't.

 

You can't really change the way they perceive this. Trying to change it will only make it worse.

 

You can only control how you deal with them being annoying about it. If you just dismiss everything and let it roll off you that is your best chance. But them seeing you get annoyed because they are annoying will just make them think you are bothered by it anyways.

 

Not to be negative...but I don't accept this as a possibility. They are my family and I love them and I won't go a through a whole year of this or more....and also my boyfriend see this too it's not fair to him to heave everyone think I'm unhappy and pining away for my own proposal when I'm not he doesn't need or deserve that kind of covert pressure. Their perception needs to change or at the vary least their outward actions do.

You put it to rest by just acting like your genuine self, happy for her, with your boyfriend by your side.

 

My friend's family has a group of 20-something kids, where each of them, one by one, got engaged, and have all recently gotten married. Except this one girl! So adorable, so sweet, and with the most awesome boyfriend! But....he would not propose, for whatever reason. She kept going to all the weddings, being the fun, cute bridesmaid, throwing amazing showers, and just acting like her genuine, adorable self. After the last one of the group got married last year, guess what....he proposed! Turns out, he was waiting until all the others were done, so that she could have her own moment. But here's the thing......everyone has been walking on eggshells around her for the past year. Constantly asking her, in private....."are you ok??" "How are you holding up?" "Your time will come!!" and this just annoyed me, as she just kept her smile on.

 

Turns out, she really was genuinely happy for everyone, and she really wasn't thinking about anyone but the couple getting married.

 

I think that people just want to make something out of nothing. Even now, as her wedding is approaching, everyone is talking about what a "great sport" she's been. Um, she's just being herself, can't anyone be happy for her?

 

Thanks, I am acting like myself. I'm just not the super excited person. lol I'm not that girl who jumps up and down and squeals and begs to see the ring. I'm just not. And I would hope my family knows that about me. I'm a more reserved person. I say Congrats I say I'm happy for you and I mean it, I'll offer my help in any way I can....but more than that is really not me.

I think what bothers me is that I don't like when people project feelings onto me without good reason.

 

My family knows not to assume I'm grumpy or hungry just by looking at me across the breakfast table. Nothing irks me more than someone deciding I'm having a bad day when I haven't said a single word to them yet. And that's what they are doing, they are assuming I'm sad or hurt or jealous without even asking me how I feel. What's worse is their assumption is coloring the way the act towards me and my boyfriend can see that....he's left to sit and wonder why they are treating me this way. I don't want him to think I'm hurt or jealous or that I'm counting the seconds until I get engaged because I'm not! I realize I can tell him just that...and I will but there's something about family they know me better than anyone and no matter what I say he's going to wonder what's up. I also don't want him to think they always act like this...it's not normal it's putting a strain on our relationships that doesn't need to be there. I don't want him to think less of them because they are being cold and distant right now.

I think what bothers me is that I don't like when people project feelings onto me without good reason.

 

Completely get this, and this would bother me too. Yes, this is the exact definition of ASSUME.

 

Sorry you're going through this, I would be upset too.

Why don;t you bring up up the wedding from time to time. Ask your mum how things are going, and if you don't mind doing so, ask your sister if you could be more involved in the planning. That way they can see that you at least have no issue being reminded that she is engaged, and hopefully that will make them see that they don't have to tread carefully.

Is it possible that they are acting this way not because that they think you are jealous but because they're all uncomfortable with the fast timeline of the wedding, and are unwilling to admit it to themselves?

Why don;t you bring up up the wedding from time to time. Ask your mum how things are going, and if you don't mind doing so, ask your sister if you could be more involved in the planning. That way they can see that you at least have no issue being reminded that she is engaged, and hopefully that will make them see that they don't have to tread carefully.

 

Well, I have an I will. My sister mentioned going to see a venue and I asked her about it she didn't have much to say. The she awkwardly said the other day "I can't remember if I asked you if you want to be in my wedding or not?"...I said "Well, no you haven't asked me that....but really that's not how it works if you want me to be in your wedding just say so and I'll be more than happy to." Then she gave a few details about the wedding party she was thinking of going with and that she wanted only 100 guests.

 

What's funny is my dad is oblivious to all of this and I end up getting more information from him than them and he probably gets in trouble for telling me! lol he said "Oh, mom is going down to shop for wedding dresses in October you should go too!" My mom probably gave him a dirty look because he quickly moved on. It's like he's the only one (well my 2 brother s could probably not careless but not counting them) that's like 'What? She's fine....what are you guys talking about?"

Is it possible that they are acting this way not because that they think you are jealous but because they're all uncomfortable with the fast timeline of the wedding, and are unwilling to admit it to themselves?

 

Hmmm. Possible.

 

I haven't even heard the whole story but I know she met her Fiance through Online dating no earlier than March of this year. I know this because she and I spent most of the second half of Feb traveling abroad together and I know she hadn't met anyone at that time. They got engaged in June.

 

I'd be really sad if my sister was uncomfortable with it....that is of course not what I would want. However more than once my boyfriend has said "What if this is all his idea and he surprised her with it and she didn't want to say no because she really likes him, so she just said yes and now she's like 'OMG what's happening?'" Even he says this seems out of character for her....but in my mind I think it must just be totally in character for her new fiance...and maybe it's a yin and yang - opposites attract type thing.

Have you had a talk with your Sister about this? Does she know that you feel like everyone is being weird towards you?

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I never assume anything about anyone unless there's evidence to it. If literally everyone is acting strange around you, I bet it's because of something you've said or done in the recent past.

Have you had a talk with your Sister about this? Does she know that you feel like everyone is being weird towards you?

 

Well, no I haven't had a chance to really talk to just her. I figured I see if after a few weeks it just wore off. Maybe it has a little.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I never assume anything about anyone unless there's evidence to it. If literally everyone is acting strange around you, I bet it's because of something you've said or done in the recent past.

 

It's not literally everyone....for the most part it's just my mom and my sister. maybe they didn't like that my reaction wasn't instant jubilation. Honestly, though I'm not sure why they would expect that from me they know me very well and I'm just not like that...I never have been. It's not really fair for them to project the reaction they want onto me and then be upset if I don't live up to that. I will say if she had know this guy for a longer time period and I had met him or even heard more about him I might have been more happy that surprised...the way things happened...in the moment surprised was all I felt and I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that way. Also I can't go back and change that now.

 

I saw her this weekend and she showed me her ring and I think she expected me to be wowed....I mean it's a ring....it's nice and if she likes it great but I don't go gaga over things like that. It's not my ring and it's certainly not what I would pick but I wouldn't expect it to be. I dunno maybe her friends are just gushing and she wonders why I'm not, but if she really took the time to think about it she'd realize that's not me. Maybe she thinks because I'm not over the top excited I must be upset....I really just don't know.

How do I put this to rest and get everyone to move on?

Put what to rest? Everything in your post is you surmising and projecting and conjecturing and assuming about their motives. Why don't you just come out and tell your mother what you're assuming et al and if you're correct then simply tell them not to walk on egg shells around you because ~ you're just fine about it and happy for her as long as she's making a good choice as she barely knows who this guy is at three months.

Put what to rest? Everything in your post is you surmising and projecting and conjecturing and assuming about their motives. Why don't you just come out and tell your mother what you're assuming et al and if you're correct then simply tell them not to walk on egg shells around you because ~ you're just fine about it and happy for her as long as she's making a good choice as she barely knows who this guy is at three months.

 

I guess what I mean is is there a way for me to let go of this feeling internally without involving everyone else. I know that most of this is about my feelings and reactions...maybe it's not something I can or should ask them to do, maybe it's just me. or maybe I do need to talk to them and also work on my own reactions...that's a possibility too.

I would have a heart to heart with mom. Are you geographically near her? Take her to lunch or go over for tea and have a heart to heart - tell her exactly how you feel -- tell her that you don't have to walk on eggshells just because baby sis is gettting married first and you feel like they are. Also say "what do you think about (fiance's name) and wow...that was quick" as far as the engagment." maybe mom will open up and you'll know the truth. Mom will act differently that she knows you don't care that your sis is getting married first finally. Or you may be able to know that mom is just uncomfortable about sis getting married so fast after meeting this dude. Maybe there is tension between the two because of it