Unique and Sad situation. (Think she'll come back?)

Long story ahead.

So my girlfriend of 4 and a half years dumped me after a rough last year of our relationship. I understand and accept why it happened. But know we can both grow and change. We have soooo much in common and our love, and friendship, was on fire. Thing is, she suffered from codependency issues, and I became a hot head later in the relationship. Due to codependency she was very focused on making only me happy and not regarding her own happiness and never said anything. After the turbulence in the final year, she moved work crews and met a coworker who she claims she had developed feelings for. 4 months later they decided to dump their exes (well she dumped me, he cheated on his) and see eachother. I found out and was deeply devastated, and when she found out that I had found out she was also devastated and felt terrible. Her friends (our friends) met the guy and think he's kind of a dweeb and a creeper. Anyways, he has very bland and neutral emotions she claims makes her calm and happy to be around. Then the love triangle started for these last 2 months. I of course was distraught and did the usual crazy begging and neediness at the end there, just a rollercoaster of emotion. I even vented to the wrong people and all of our work (I work at the same place but different department) found out. We flip flopped so many times on the NC rule. But after talking with our therapist (we see her individually now) we will be taking 90days after our joint bills are separated fully and there's no more business to discuss.

Anyways. She still claims to love and care deeply for me. I've sent her a Lovebook I wrote and had it hardcovered for her. It made her cry. Last night we had our first stable talk after taking time off for about 2 weeks to stabilize. I took down notes, what she appreciated in our relationship and what she would have wanted differently. Then I read her a long letter I wrote in my journal. It made her cry and she said "that's the first time in awhile since I truly felt loved by you". The last year we both suffered from depression and anxiety. So showing love was quite hard. But I spilled my stabilized heart out to her. I know love lingers, but she has feelings for this guy and says eventually she'd want to see where it goes with him (given we haven't done NC yet either mind you).

I'm 30 and she's 24. I was her first... She grew up codependent due to having to miss HS and spent her childhood from 13-19 raising her siblings while her parents worked. So she had NO experience coming in. I taught her a lot. Almost raised her.... Was a bit overbearing at times cause of it. I got controlling..mainly because she always kept handing the control to me even when I tried to get her comfortable taking the copilot of interdependecy.. but she felt too codependent.

I feel I molded her into a confident woman only for her to want to go off and explore. I understand that.

She knows we both will improve and grow. I always do in a rough time in life.

I just love her so much. We we're perfect for eachother. Yes I understand she emotionally cheated. And almost physically. But she's the type that doesn't mess up twice and I truly forgive her due to the circumstances.

I'm working on healing. Just all of this makes no sense. How I can cause her to cry from the loving things I still do. But she always misses this guy and claims her heart knows what it wants. Despite the crazy rollercoaster.

I set the bar high. We had so much fun. We both write poetry to eachother. She's a pianist, I'm a guitarist. I'm a fiction writer, she's an artist (paint). We both work out together. We both love anime. We would visit japan on the regular. We're both tatted up sometimes gothy and sometimes hipsters. Lol it was and is a match made in heaven.

Whereas this guy is a real square. Doesn't fit in with her type. But apparently he's so smart that it's a turn on.

It just hurts so much that I may not get to one day spend my life with her. With all of these signs pointing towards her still loving me and wanting me one day...at the same time there are just as many signs of that not happening. All because she can feel more emotionally compatible with the other guy in this moment. I feel like he played the hero during a rough time...

But she's going to go NC with BOTH of us and focus on herself (as I will too). But after the 90 days... Then what? She starts dating him? Cause she doesn't want him to be a rebound so she's taking that time off...

I did a lot of stupid things this year. I'm not beating myself up too hard though.

What do you all think? I know I shouldn't be rationalizing or begging for reassurance. But I have so much hope... I'm doing a lot for changing myself for the better. So this doesn't happen again whether it's with her or with another.

She means the world to me. We had our entire future planned out all the way to old age...

Anyways. She still claims to love and care deeply for me. I've sent her a Lovebook I wrote and had it hardcovered for her. It made her cry. Last night we had our first stable talk after taking time off for about 2 weeks to stabilize. I took down notes, what she appreciated in our relationship and what she would have wanted differently. Then I read her a long letter I wrote in my journal. It made her cry and she said "that's the first time in awhile since I truly felt loved by you". The last year we both suffered from depression and anxiety. So showing love was quite hard. But I spilled my stabilized heart out to her. I know love lingers, but she has feelings for this guy and says eventually she'd want to see where it goes with him

All this stuff you are doing , lovebooks and the likes and this girl is with another man and you are completely deluding yourself here I am sorry to say . Why an earth are you showering her with all this love and attention when she is with another man . For your own sake my darling you have to see this for what it is , stop making excuses for her and start the journey into acceptance . Best wishes

Well I think she's also confused. She's not currently with him. Work found out and moved them on different crews and shifts. She wants to be alone and have no contact with both of us when the 90 days starts, and I believe her cause she listens to our therapist. Like I said, I accept it. I do. She needs to experience and find out the hard way. She has NO experience in life, hasn't been humbled like most of us. I've already been divorced once before her and learned a lot from that. I've got a good 60 years of life ahead (if I live til I'm 90) and I may just find someone better. But I don't just turn and walk away, right away, like everyone else. Not this time. I'm not waiting but I'm not dating for a good long time. Focusing on myself. But she was my best friend and we also have mutual best friends. So she will never be completely out of my life (cause I'm not giving up my friends to avoid her). I'll be her friend on some capacity, even if she dates and I date. We'll have boundaries.

But you are as right as it gets. I need to move forward. It's hard though. Everything is a memory. A fond one. If I got rid of all the crap in my house to avoid memory of her....my house would be empty unfortunately lol

Anything is possible.

The 90 days of NC will tell.

I'm in a similar situation and the thing is, whatever your instincts tell you to do, don't do it. Talking about your feelings will push her away more, you can't talk a woman out of her feelings, when she decided, that is that. Sorry bro... She cheated on you, broke up with you, and you still talk to her as if you are together, so there are no consequences for her actions, like a spoiled child she now knows she has you and can do whatever she wants, why not go with this guy and keep you waiting, she will be back if it doesn't work out with him but is that what you want to be? A second choice? The best thing to do is no contact, don't reach out, when she reaches out, note her interest level and keep yours just below that, make her work for it, and when she says hi, do not pour your heart out saying you miss her etc, it might be just a trick to see if she still has you, she may not do it consciously but this is reality man.

I'm in a similar situation and yes you feel like you should be together, and you don't understand why the other person can't see that, you start losing emotional control and start begging and pleading, it takes extreme discipline to not do this, but grand gestures, talking about your feelings, convincing the woman how much you loved her works in the movies, and on sitcoms, but personally I've never seen it work in real life. If you convince her or trick her into coming back out of pity she will just leave you again in a short while. The whole problem is that she knows that she has you, and that you will always love her... separation anxiety fuels desire... she needs to feel like she could actually lose you for good if she doesn't do anything about it. If she doesn't care about that, then that's all you need to know. I feel like a hypocrite saying this cause I make all the same mistakes, but try to be strong and have the discipline to be happy without her. If you were already in doubt about a person, and contemplating leaving, would them begging pleading, making grand gestures, trying to convince you make you more attracted to them? If a woman is attracted to you, she wouldn't need any convincing, she would be chasing you...

You're right. I've been good lately though. Just been showing strength and happiness. Because our complete No contact hasn't started yet because of some financial business we are smoothly sorting out.

As for last night. When we objectively discussed the relationship for the first time after not talking for a couple weeks. It went well. And when I read her my final statement, she cried stating she felt my love. But I stayed strong and didn't even cry. I smiled the whole time. So I think I showed good resilience. 90 days no contact. Time will tell like you pretty much put it.

It really does suck though. The most mentally challenging thing to go through as far as impulse and self control go.

If she came back I wouldn't take her back now. I made that very well known. I told her if she needs to explore and find out with him later when she's done being to herself. So be it, I accept that cause I wouldn't want lingering feelings for him if she came back now. We are very unique people. I don't look at it as second choice. I look at it as, go out and see that the grass might not be greener. She hasn't had anyone to compare me to. I was her first. Sexually and romantically. Our experience is light years apart. She was always very insecure about that too.

I know there's nothing I can do. But last night I'm sure gave her something to think about these next 3 months. I think I did well on that.

Set them free and see if they fly back or not...

It's unfortunate.

Lol this guy is going to have his hands full IF they end up dating.

Yeah it always feels like she's the perfect match and in a way it's true that she is unique, but so are you! You haven't met all the women in the world either, so you can't really know if the grass isn't greener somewhere else too right? It's what I'm gonna try to do, meet more interesting people and see how it feels after I give myself the time to get my head straight... You read your statement, and she SAYS she felt your love while she cried, but it wasn't enough to want to be with you right? Actions -> words, and her actions show that she wants to be with this guy and not you... I bet this guy wouldn't have to read any poetry or statements... Maybe I'm cynical, you know what's best, I wish you the best in your recovery man

You're right. Lol it sucks, but you're right. All this guy has to do is sit back and wait 90 days, and has nothing to lose either way. Just strolled in 6 months ago and got to know her as friends, spent a lot of time at work and they hit it off and crap.

Weird thing is he use to run home to his ex and brag about her and ME, and how cool our relationship is. How we cosplay, and write and do art and all that. Sounds like he wanted that with his ex but didn't get it so he knew the only place he could get it was with her. Oh well..

Oh well, if it helps any usually relationships that start out of destroying the previous ones will repeat the cycle, once the honeymoon phase is over between them, on what will they base their trust, they now know about each-other that they are both capable of leaving their partners for someone else just like that.

True. Very true. As much as I want to rationalize lol it's a rebound. He simply played the hero during a rough time. His ex was the one who contacted me and broke the news when she found a photobooth photo of them smootching a week after she dumped me. Lol what kind of keeps the photo and brings it home? 😂😂😂

But his ex has given me quite a bit of details on his boring bland ass. We'll see how much fun she can have with him. I set that bar high at least.

I've done alot of messed up crap in my life but never cheated. Just don't understand how that is the better more safer option! Lol

But time will tell. She hasn't been humbled in life yet.

Heartbreak sucks big time. Like having a battle with your conscience Every. Single. Day.

Funny. She use to HATE my ex wife, whom she's never met, for cheating on me. She despises that. Lol she preached that moral standard for so long. Only to become it.

Yeah I dunno for me I go to the gym and set insane goals and just work out till I'm too tired to feel sad and then get home and enjoy the buzz, then I read stuff on attachment theories or watch informative videos to learn about my part in the break-up and it really helps take away the pain, to just use it to learn I guess.. it takes 2 people to make it work, do not overdo the blame game... just focus that pain into improving yourself instead of trying to get her back.

Sorry to hear bout that picture, must have been rough... I know I hide every single reminder cause it just triggers too much, I pretend she no longer exists lol...