In need of some helpful advice

I'm in need of some advice as my boyfriend and i Fight/argue over the stupidest things and i cant seem to have an adult conversation with him.

last night went like this. i worked my ass off all day fixing things that needed to be done around the house. the city cited us for having branches in our yard ( a tree came down and we dont have the means to remove it) so i did my best to clear that and i had a little energies left and repaired the fence in the yard. we live right next to a park and they built a basketball cort right by the fence. so my dogs run back there all the time and bark at people in the park. ive seen kids harass my dogs and throw things at them. I digress, any way, i fixed the fence so they cant get back there to the park. and i sent my man a text saying i had done that and that i hoped he liked it, i was a little proud of my work. he got off work and called me like he does every day, and we started arguing about the fence and that i shouldn't have done it because of the city. they are arrogant who will cite for any "blight" so he was mad because he didn't want another ordnance against us. I stated that i had put it up rather nicely and that it shouldn't be a problem, but he refuses to listen to that and let me talk. so i get mad because he wont listen to anything i say. and he starts telling me i better not raise my voice to him and starts yelling back. it gets to the point where i refuse to say another word because nothing i say matters. so he hangs up. i send him a text saying that this is why i have a had time talking to him face to face because he is irrational and short tempered. a little while later he gets home and gets in my face and starts screaming at me, telling me how stupid i am and how low my IQ must be, how im good for nothing. and that i should just leave. some how managed to keep calm though all of this and take it all. I was in the process of cooking a nice dinner for him, something to eat when he got home. so i had to stay in the kitchen. i had asked him to leave many time to just go calm down and walk away. he refused to leave and kept insulting me. so i made a plate for myself and left. he followed me. i went into the office to watch tv while i eat and he got heated about me being in there too. so i said okay fine, you are right and i will go. he took that as being mocked and wouldn't let me pass. i eventually leave the room and he stays in there. i sat at the table and started eating my dinner and he came out and starts at me again. i dont make eye contact with him the entire time and just eat my dinner till he finally leaves me alone. about an hour or 2 later has calmed down and back to being his decent normal self. him being like this happens more than id like it too, it seems that anything i do will set him off. the last most recent issue he had with me was over a coffee maker. i work a lot of early shifts at one of my jobs and had been buying coffee because i am not a morning person. and i figured i would just buy the cow instead of spending a lot and buying the milk. ooooh big mistake. we argued all day about it. his side was that i didn't have permission to buy such an item and that he should have done the shopping. i bought the cheapest one i could find at Walmart and spent under 100$ but we argued all day. mind you he spent well over 400$ on a video game. and im not "allowed to buy a coffee pot". but its always something stupid like that and he always threatens to kick me out over it. then later does little things for me and tells me how he loves me. i should add that his mother is the same way he is. he is JUST like her. so i feel he is a product of his environment. but what i dont know is how to help him grow up and be a mature adult that handles situations in a calm and mature manner. i can stay calm and not give into his actions and i don't insult him. he is like clock work and maybe i am just used to it, i do something, he gets mad, starts yelling and insulting, threatens to kick me out, calms down and is normal. we have been together for 5+ years and 2 houses. its hard for me to think about leaving with so much invested. and i adore this guy. when he is decent he is the love of my life and my best friend. i just wish he would have a more level head and realized some battles are not worth the trouble.

and please only helpful advice, if i want to leave him i will do so on my terms i do not need anyone posting how i should leave him.

If you don't want us to tell you to leave him, then what exactly do you expect us to say?? I seriously doubt you're going to get someone like him to agree to therapy, so what other option do you have? Either accept him as he is or go find a decent man.

honestly some advice would be nice. something along the lines of "maybe try this" or "do this"

i dont see "you need to leave" as being helpful advice.

how low my IQ must be, how im good for nothing. and that i should just leave.

This isn't me saying this. This is him saying this...to you. Given his verbal abuse and lack of respect for you, it would be irresponsible for anyone here to advise you of anything but to leave. However, again, I didn't say to leave as per your wishes, your bf did.

i didn't ask for that opinion and sure it is valid. I am not asking any of you to be responsible for this. to be with this man is my solely my decision. to say that the best thing to do is to walk away is bull.... people say stupid things when they are angry or upset. my older sister is controlling. but she is family and i will always have her back. it is not in the right mind set to just look at someone you care for and have grown with and say that because of one thing, you'll give up everything. I'd rather work through the issues and resolve the conflict that is present, rather then throw in the towel or walk away from my family and loved ones. I came here hoping to find some means of help with this conflict, because i though that someone out there would have some insightful suggestions as to how to deal with anger. the best i have gotten so far is to give up. i hope that is not the answer to every problem people have or the answer to every relationship conflict there may be. i have been with this man for over 5 years and know him inside and out. I know that if he meant it he would act upon it. his actions have always spoken louder then his words to me. how he is on a day to day basis is how he really is. just because he is angry and gets hot headed and says things, means nothing to me. at the end of the day when he is calm he is a loving and decent person. i am not willing to walk away from that just because of one little thing. If the situation was more dire, and he was abusive both physically and mentally then I would agree that that relationship is no longer healthy for both parties involved, and that the best course of action would be to leave. but I am untouched, and he dose not say those words to me on a day to day basis. I do understand that this is a fragment of the situation and that the third party response to what i have said, some would say to leave. I merely asked for advice on how to lessen his anger over the small things and or possibly how to resolve the issues that occur.

You can't stop his anger, or make him more capable of handling adversity. That's on him, and he can do it if he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then I'm afraid there's no hope at all.

Don't fool yourself - hurtful words are a form of violence, and often a precursor to physical violence. Notice he's already physically intimidating you by blocking your way out of a room. Next is throwing things, and then hitting you. The only way to get people to stay when you're abusing them is to break that person mentally and emotionally. He's well on his way to that, and you're letting this happen to you.

We all start as products of our environments, our childhoods. Then we begin to see how that hurts us and others, and we make choices to change our behaviors. His childhood was messed up, but it's not an excuse. I understand you feel bad for him. I understand that it's easier to be hurt ourselves than to see someone we love hurt, but again, he's a grown man making poor choices, and letting you pay for them.

To answer your question, the only thing I can see on your side is to stop fighting. He refuses to listen and let you talk? You can keep talking while his temper escalates, or stop talking. Telling someone they are irrational never snaps them into being rational.

Ask if there's any merit in his accusations. Are you determined to be right all the time? You posted that he was calling you stupid, and you said he was right...was this egging him on? Was it delivered with sarcasm? I wouldn't blame you if it was, but sarcasm is guaranteed to escalate emotions. Was he right about the fence and the city codes? Did you check that out?

If you answer these questions and realize it isn't you, that his reactions are out of control, what will you do?