Question About Multi-Dating And Sex

This is to the ladies who multi-date, but men feel free to chime in too.

Last summer, I multi-dated a little bit (no sex), but I never really liked any of the guys too much, so always cut if off after around 3-4 dates as they started hinting (or pushing) for sex, and being that I didn’t like them all that much, didn’t want to go there, so just cut it off.

After that I had a brief 2.5 month RL with a man who turned out to be very controlling so ended that too.

Didn’t really date much after that, I was trying to sort out some personal issues and had no energy or desire to date.

I took a long vacay and after returning, I am back to dating again, but DO NOT want anything too intense or serious so I’m multi-dating.

Here’s my issue. How do women navigate the issue of sex when multi-dating? I have been dating a man I met at a meet up; I am really attracted to him! On our last date, it got really “hot” between us, but no sex.

I am also dating another man whom I like too, and will also be attending another meet up this weekend.

The first guy and I have another date scheduled for Saturday and I KNOW he is going to expect sex, and frankly I don’t really blame him; it’s obvious we are both very attracted and like I said, things really heated up between us on our last date, so of course the next step would be sex.

And frankly I want it too!

So how do I navigate this? Ladies, what have you done? The obvious answer is to WAIT to have sex, but we’re so attracted to each other, how do you NOT have sex when you’re so attracted? But also not wanting a serious RL at the moment; preferring to remain non-exclusive and keeping options open until I'm more sure the guy is right for me.

Thoughts? Advice?

Thank you!

I fooled around with different guys but no intercourse. I always waited to have sex - just like I wait for other things I desire (like cookies, for example). My values about sex and my concerns about STD and pregnancy were more important to me than giving in to attraction/desire. Yes, I did sleepovers, yes, heavy making out, etc - no intercourse. Yes, I did have one period in my life where I had sex with my ex who I was dating again and also dated other men (but no sex with them -we were monogamous) - we were still in love or thought we were and thinking about reconciling. We did, briefly. Was that casual sex? Maybe but not in the way I understand it. However, it wasn't a great idea despite our strong attraction.

Typically I waited months and we had to be in love, exclusive, committed, with strong potential for marriage. I fully realize that is not typical and no I don't think it's the "right" way -it was just right/comfortable for me.

I rarely if ever dated just for fun -when I was a teenager and for brief periods of time in my 20s. When I did, no sex. Almost all of my dating was multi-dating with the goal of finding a husband. To me multi dating and casual sex might overlap but are two separate things.

I fooled around with different guys but no intercourse. I always waited to have sex - just like I wait for other things I desire (like cookies, for example). My values about sex and my concerns about STD and pregnancy were more important to me than giving in to attraction/desire. Yes, I did sleepovers, yes, heavy making out, etc - no intercourse. Yes, I did have one period in my life where I had sex with my ex who I was dating again and also dated other men (but no sex with them -we were monogamous) - we were still in love or thought we were and thinking about reconciling. We did, briefly. Was that casual sex? Maybe but not in the way I understand it. However, it wasn't a great idea despite our strong attraction.

 

Typically I waited months and we had to be in love, exclusive, committed, with strong potential for marriage. I fully realize that is not typical and no I don't think it's the "right" way -it was just right/comfortable for me.

 

I rarely if ever dated just for fun -when I was a teenager and for brief periods of time in my 20s. When I did, no sex. Almost all of my dating was multi-dating with the goal of finding a husband. To me multi dating and casual sex might overlap but are two separate things.

Thank you Batya, I was hoping you would respond!

So your advice would be it's okay to continue "fooling around" but no intercourse?

Does "fooling around" including bringing each other to orgasm?

Sorry, hope that's not too personal a question, but damn this is hard! (Pun intended!)

Thank you Batya, I was hoping you would respond!

 

So your advice would be it's okay to continue "fooling around" but no intercourse?

 

Does "fooling around" including bringing each other to orgasm?

 

Sorry, hope that's not too personal a question, but damn this is hard! (Pun intended!)

 

Again I know people disagree but I just drew the line at intercourse (and oral sex almost all of the time because of STDs) - so yes I guess orgasm could happen. I should add that I waited to get to that point of fooling around too -so that wouldn't happen in the first few dates most likely (did it ever -yes). I took things very slowly and was very clear up front about my boundaries. Most men were totally fine with it. A minority walked away pretty quickly once they knew I wasn't up for quick sex/a fling. Fine with me!

Again I know people disagree but I just drew the line at intercourse (and oral sex almost all of the time because of STDs) - so yes I guess orgasm could happen. I should add that I waited to get to that point of fooling around too -so that wouldn't happen in the first few dates most likely (did it ever -yes). I took things very slowly and was very clear up front about my boundaries. Most men were totally fine with it. A minority walked away pretty quickly once they knew I wasn't up for quick sex/a fling. Fine with me!

I understand but it's not really an issues of boundaries, I know how to assert boundaries, and am pretty confident (at least with this guy), he would understand if I wanted to wait.

HOWEVER, like I said in my first post, when you are so attracted, how do you wait? That's my problem!

It's just so hard waiting when you're so attracted! It feels disingenuous.

Is it the obvious answer though, Kat? Why is it you think it's best to not have sex? You admit you'd want to and you're not really looking for long-term, so if he does happen to be only in it for the booty, it wouldn't seem to be a big deal. Now if you're the type to catch the feels afterward, obviously that's got its own implications to consider. But so long as you're looking out for your sexual health and protecting yourself as necessary, I'd say you do you and don't worry about the involving politics.

Not to be the devil on your shoulder prodding you to just do it. By all means, stick with your comfort zone. But if I'm completely honest, some of my fondest dating experiences came when I was simply dating for fun (being upfront about it with my dates, of course), and having a good time in many ways... physically included. Part of me misses it, though obviously not nearly enough to override the appreciation for the life I have with my lady. It was just a really, really good time and, so long as you're not actively and directly leading folks on in the process and taking care of your sexual health, it's really none of any guy's business what you're up to between the sheets.

Do what's safe and comfortable for you.

What do you think about this? Have sex with this guy and continue to date others, no sex?

I don't know that doesn't feel quite right either.

Is it the obvious answer though, Kat? Why is it you think it's best to not have sex? You admit you'd want to and you're not really looking for long-term, so if he does happen to be only in it for the booty, it wouldn't seem to be a big deal. Now if you're the type to catch the feels afterward, obviously that's got its own implications to consider. But so long as you're looking out for your sexual health and protecting yourself as necessary, I'd say you do you and don't worry about the involving politics.

 

Not to be the devil on your shoulder prodding you to just do it. By all means, stick with your comfort zone. But if I'm completely honest, some of my fondest dating experiences came when I was simply dating for fun (being upfront about it with my dates, of course), and having a good time in many ways... physically included. Part of me misses it, though obviously not nearly enough to override the appreciation for the life I have with my lady. It was just a really, really good time and, so long as you're not actively and directly leading folks on in the process and taking care of your sexual health, it's really none of any guy's business what you're up to between the sheets.

 

Do what's safe and comfortable for you.

That is super good advice j.man, makes lots of sense; problem is for me I do have the "feels," at least on some level; the way I'm wired, I am not really able to enjoy sex without at least some emotional element attached.

I am fairly certain he's just not in this for the "booty," I have a strong sense about these things, course there is always the possibility I could be mistaken this time.

But if after having sex, I came to find he was only in it for the booty, admit I would be extremely disappointed.

But nevertheless, still not wanting to go exclusive and cut off other options!

What do you think of my last question? Have sex with him, but still remain non-exclusive and date other guys but not have sex with them? I could never have sex with two guys simultaneously. Just the way I'm wired.

Until such time I feel more certain that he's right for me, and then become exclusive? Or maybe I will come to find he's NOT right for me.

Which is why I want to multi-date for a bit before deciding. My tendency has been to have sex, rush into a RL, and then realize he's not right for me, which is what happened end of last year with the guy I dated for 2.5 months.

Hell I'm not sure I'm even making sense now, my brain is sort of in a whirlwind! lol

What do you think about this? Have sex with this guy and continue to date others, no sex?

 

I don't know that doesn't feel quite right either.

*angel on the shoulder arriving*

So my understanding of multidating was to get to know people and keep your options open while not cutting yourself off from potential mates. You add sex to it and how does that change the definition? Plus you mentioned yesterday you only like to have sex with people you have some sort of emotional connection with. How casual can it remain if you're connecting yourself to another person on that level?

Hear me out. You have guy A, B and C. You begin to have sex with guy A that's going great but things start to heat up with guy C soooo what do you do? Stop having sex with guy A to begin having sex with guy C? Add them both to the rotation? Do you warn them. (Me personally, that's information I'd feel entitled to have, so I can make an informed decision, I don't care how safe you're being). If they're sleeping with multiple partners would you feel entitled to know? Or are we just going to have a big ole swapping of sex partners with no one the wiser? When does it cross the line from sexual exploration to down right promiscuity? I guess it depends on the persons standards. If that's the road you want to go, no judgement from me whatsoever, it just seems like a super slippery slope in my eyes and if you are one to catch feelings who knows where that can lead.

I've never been so attracted to someone I just couldn't keep it in my pants, then again if a young Johnny Depp came and propositioned me there's no saying what would happen...

I guess the most important question to ask yourself. What's your end goal? Are you looking for something? Or are you looking to have fun? As long as you're being honest with yourself I think you'll be ok whatever you choose.

^ Was wondering when the little 'angel on my shoulder' would arrive.

Your post was a lot to take in, but thank you you brought up many good points for me to consider.

One thing I am sure of though and don't have to consider is that I won't be having sex with multiple guys simultaneously, like I said, I am not wired that way so that option is definitely out.

As for him having sex with multiple women, I don't know! I suppose I will just have to assume that he is, and if I do decide to have sex with him, use protection and keep myself safe.

My ultimate goal is a relationship, just not sure I'm ready for it right now no matter how much I like the guy.

In any event, I need to think about your post, like I said my brain is in a bit of a whirlwind right now, which it shouldn't be, but whatever, I never expected to like this guy so much, so soon.

I went by one simple rule which served me well. I didn't have sex unless I was 100% comfortable with nothing more coming of the dating/situation/ relationship after having sex.

Just being real honest with myself about my feelings in the situation.

I went by one simple rule which served me well. I didn't have sex unless I was 100% comfortable with nothing more coming of the dating/situation/ relationship after having sex.

Just being real honest with myself about my feelings in the situation.

So you never had sex in a relationship?

I went by one simple rule which served me well. I didn't have sex unless I was 100% comfortable with nothing more coming of the dating/situation/ relationship after having sex.

Just being real honest with myself about my feelings in the situation.

I'm the same, I have no expectations of it leading to more than what we have now, but nevertheless, if I discovered he was only in it for the "booty" (j.man's lingo), I would still be disappointed.

I recall with my ex, we actually had sex the first night we met, and I had absolutely zero expectation that he would even call me afterwards.

That was a big risk I took, which I only took because there was an immediate very strong chemistry and connection between us (which we both acknowledged).

Course he could have been "playing" me, but that was the risk I took.

And even though he called the next day, asked me out, and even wanted to be "exclusive" on our second date, not sure I would ever take that type of risk again.

So you never had sex in a relationship?

I think she meant that unless she was 100% sure she would be OKAY if the guy never contacted her again, she won't have sex.

So you never had sex in a relationship?

Lol of course I did /do.

I think Kat knew what I meant. It's about comfort level of why you are having sex. If it's because you really want to with no other expectations than hoping to enjoy what is there already, green light.

If in your heart you would regret having sex if it all went bust at that point after sex, then I wouldn't.

Hope this clears up the concept I'm trying to get across.

I think she meant that unless she was 100% sure she would be OKAY if the guy never contacted her again, she won't have sex.

Thats what I also gathered. So I would assume that everytime she had sex with a guy the first time there was no connection prior to it. How else would one be ok with the man walking away? And if youre only having sex with men theres no connection with I'd assume a relationship didnt follow...

Lol of course I did /do.

 

I think Kat knew what I meant. It's about comfort level of why you are having sex. If it's because you really want to with no other expectations than hoping to enjoy what is there already, green light.

If in your heart you would regret having sex if it all went bust at that point after sex, then I wouldn't.

 

Hope this clears up the concept I'm trying to get across.

Ok so youre saying you have sex with 'no expectations' not 'no feelings'. It still doesn't make sense to me, but I think I'm following you.

Me personally, I think its a good practice to only have sex if I know things are headed somewhere. I'm guilty of not always following that practice, but doing the opposite seems like you'd end up with more duds. Sometimes that connection is fast and hard and instant, you're not going to have sex with them until that feeling passes? What if it never passes and you two get closer? You say, ' sorry, I like you too much to take my pants off'?

Thats what I also gathered. So I would assume that everytime she had sex with a guy the first time there was no connection prior to it. How else would one be ok with the man walking away? And if youre only having sex with men theres no connection with I'd assume a relationship didnt follow...

Only speaking for myself, I can have "feelings" (and do!) but still have no expectations.

I had feelings for my ex that first night, even though we had just met.

At the time I felt it was a sort of "love at first sight" type of thing. But have since learned it was only an intense infatuation.

Nevertheless, I was still able to have no expectations.

Was I hoping he would call? Yes!

But that is different from expecting it. And would have survived just fine if he hadn't.

I still carry that same attitude today. Lower the expectations, and let whatever we have take us wherever it's meant to take us.

I think when you know you will be okay no matter what happens, you're able to take more risks. At least that is true for me anyway.

I am super resilient; always have been.

Only speaking for myself, I can have "feelings" (and do!) but still have no expectations.

 

I had feelings for my ex that first night, even though we had just met.

 

At the time I felt it was a sort of "love at first sight" type of thing. But have since learned it was only an intense infatuation.

 

Nevertheless, I was still able to have no expectations.

 

Was I hoping he would call? Yes!

 

But that is different from expecting it. And would have survived just fine if he hadn't.

 

I still carry that same attitude today. Lower the expectations, and let whatever we have take us wherever it's meant to take us.

 

I think when you know you will be okay no matter what happens, you're able to take more risks. At least that is true for me anyway.

 

I am super resilient; always have been.

Resilient or strategic, you're saying you avoid the hurt, not that you bounce back from it.

I guess my question is: Why is 'not having expectations' so important when you're taking that next step? I understand when things first begin, you're both figuring each other out, but once things progress enough for sex to be introduced, you still have to close yourself off? Almost as a defense mechanism?

Realistically I would say, yes, of course, people are savage and will hurt you and not give it a second thought, but the idealistic part of me wants to say 'why?'. Seriously, why is it like this now? Where you expect to get hurt and are pleasantly surprised when you don't... Again, I get the concept and totally get the reason for acting in that manner, I guess its just kinda sad to see it written out...this is dating now...not for the faint of heart...

I've multi dated in the past. And last year it was with two guys for wayyyyy passed the 6th date (we had like approx 18+ dates?) so dated them both for around 2 and half-3 months.

I don't sleep with guys or get sexual unless I'm in a relationship, so we just kissed haha. I believe guys are able to wait if they like you enough. I didn't want to rush.

I have a very high sex drive, and have exceeded the drive of most of my exes...I just have always done things this way, and haven't regretted anything as a result. Have dated people for months without sex as well lol.

Thats what I also gathered. So I would assume that everytime she had sex with a guy the first time there was no connection prior to it. How else would one be ok with the man walking away? And if youre only having sex with men theres no connection with I'd assume a relationship didnt follow...

So this is an interesting point of view to me. This may sound cold to you, but I find it to be a healthy place for myself to be ok with a man walking away. Even in my current relationship, which is secure and loving, I am ok with him walking away.

I do not want it, but knowing I am ok no matter what , that is exactly the thing that allows me to be open and share with someone.

I know the difference in myself when I care about a man. When I lust for a man. When I do not have an attachment. I have mostly preferred and chosen sex in a relationship, but not always. With my way though, I have not once regretted my sexual choices. I made a conscious choice every time, to share something with someone else. I have never felt used - which is one trap imo when folk build up expectations about what sex may mean. Sex can be a lot of different experiences. My aim was for my choices to be healthy and comfortable for me.

So this is an interesting point of view to me. This may sound cold to you, but I find it to be a healthy place for myself to be ok with a man walking away. Even in my current relationship, which is secure and loving, I am ok with him walking away.

I do not want it, but knowing I am ok no matter what , that is exactly the thing that allows me to be open and share with someone.

 

I know the difference in myself when I care about a man. When I lust for a man. When I do not have an attachment. I have mostly preferred and chosen sex in a relationship, but not always. With my way though, I have not once regretted my sexual choices. I made a conscious choice every time, to share something with someone else. I have never felt used - which is one trap imo when folk build up expectations about what sex may mean. Sex can be a lot of different experiences. My aim was for my choices to be healthy and comfortable for me.

yes!

even when i have been more permissive rather than disciplined, I have never ever felt used and that trope drives me batty.

I think relationships are better when I know I would be okay if he left. the attachment is what has made it NOT work, perhaps counterintuitively so.

I have lived/seen many different approaches to sex. I need to feel safe with my partner - but I don't need to be in a relationship with a capital R.

I need to feel seen and apprecoated, I need to feel that he pays attention to detail, and I need to think he is confident and non judgy and smart.

I have been through a chaotic time when I multidated and had sex... it felt a little oogie. I walked into a strangers house (from OLD) and had enthusiastic sex for two hours and left. Gave myself steak and a beer after, lol. That was stupid! And awesome. Couldn't possibly do that today. No way. Have had.only one partner in two years time and only rarely at that. Valuing the time off. But then? Perfect.

My rules are few and rigid. Be clear about exclusivity or lack thereof. Be safe. Be kind. Be GGG. And when I feel it's time to go, be gone. For some people, marriage and group sex are compatible. For others, it's traditional. Whatever. Don't care.

I've multi dated in the past. And last year it was with two guys for wayyyyy passed the 6th date (we had like approx 18+ dates?) so dated them both for around 2 and half-3 months.

I don't sleep with guys or get sexual unless I'm in a relationship, so we just kissed haha. I believe guys are able to wait if they like you enough. I didn't want to rush.

 

I have a very high sex drive, and have exceeded the drive of most of my exes...I just have always done things this way, and haven't regretted anything as a result. Have dated people for months without sex as well lol.

Yes guys who really like you "are" able to wait, but my original question was, what to do when I feel so attracted, *I* don't want to wait? But still want to multi-date and keep options open?

If you know my history, this is not the way I have done things. I have always dated one man at a time, sex would happen quick after which we would focus only on each other to see where it would lead.

I am doing it different this time because as I said I (and my prior serious boyfriends) have rushed into a relationship too fast after sex, only to have it turn out to be not the right situation (or man) for me.

Not to bring up my ex again, but with him we rushed into a relationship way too fast, and I basically spent the next six years living in never-never land because I never had the opportunity or took the time to truly get to know him and see him clearly before committing. I was literally blinded to his faults because things became very intense very fast..

I was very hurt when it ended. Like I said I am resilient so bounced back relatively quickly, considering it was a six year relationship, but still.

I want to take my time this time, getting to know a man to see if he could be right for me, before getting into an intense exclusive relationship, which has been my pattern.

Problem is, like you I am a very sexual girl and when I become attracted to man, which for me goes beyond just the physical, I want to have sex with him!

So trying to figure out how to navigate this, while still continuing to multi-date. I am incapable of having sex with more than one man at a time. Not how I'm wired.

Does this make sense?

So this is an interesting point of view to me. This may sound cold to you, but I find it to be a healthy place for myself to be ok with a man walking away. Even in my current relationship, which is secure and loving, I am ok with him walking away.

I apologize, I didn't read any further than this because I felt compelled to reply. Of course you should always be 'prepared' to walk away from any situation. You don't want to be trapped by anyone. Trust me, I learned that lesson the hard way. But, to me, a healthy and secure relationship is an equal partnership where that thought isn't crossing your mind. You know from your own independence you COULD do it on your own but the goal is to be in an relationship so solid you wouldn't want to.

So if one is entering a relationship with their defenses up, waiting for the other shoe to drop....That just seems backwards to me.

I'm not saying you're wrong. It's just something I can't get used to with dating now a days. Lucky for me, I don't think this is how everyone approaches dating, so it's all about finding what works for you and following it.