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Being replaced


Austin125

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I have been replaced in a very short amount of time. Has anyone else dealt with being replaced so quickly after being dumped? What happened and did you ever get any closure? Me and my ex were together 2 1/2 years, but it had become stale and we never sat down and talked about how to fix us.

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I was with a long-term ex who I discovered was being unfaithful for the last few months of our relationship. He didn't admit it when we split, but he did leave for his side piece.

 

My view is that if a dumper jumps out of one relationship and dives into another, they were actually long gone (emotionally) from the first relationship anyway. That also often explains why there were no 'come to Jesus' talks before the split to try to rectify the problem; the exiting party simply didn't want to be there anymore, for whatever reason.

 

Closure comes from you, though. Not from the dumper. Sounds cliche, but it's true. You gain closure when you accept the fact that the relationship no longer had the legs to continue, and that it is really is better to be on your own than with someone who has checked out. The latter is a horrible, lonely feeling.

 

In my case, I've since moved on to a happier, more fulfilling relationship. My ex is now married to the woman he left for, and they have a child. I could be angry, I suppose, but I'm indifferent now - she can have him! I know what he's capable of, as does she (she knew me, and knew we were together) and it's not what I would want in my life.

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I guess im just lonely now feeling like I will never find someone I like a lot. I'm 28 and I have to get less picky now but at the same time I'm still picky.

 

28 is young. I was 31 when the above-described break-up happened, and that was young too (I'm 36 now) I turned my whole life around and created a new, happier chapter for myself. It was hard, but I didn't give up hope that I would find someone to love again.

 

If anything , that experience taught me that I can indeed create my own way forward, independent of a relationship. It was good for me to be on my own for a little while, and I stayed single for a good year after that break-up. I know that feeling of loneliness but there will be brighter days ahead for you, I promise.

 

If I may ask, how long were you together and why did you break up?

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We lived together two and a half years. Broke up because of communication issues. She was all in on me, wanting marriage and children. Well sure enough right when I am about to propose we start arguing and not fixing things like we should have.

 

 

Also I had become complacent in my work and home life. I have since resolved all of those issues.

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My ex did that to me after 10 years togheter.After a week or so she had a new boyfriend.She broke up with him for 10 times i think,and she tried coming back to me twice,but somehow we never got back togheter.The new guy beats her,and he is a sick person,but they are still togheter after almost 1 year.

So don't worry things are not always as bad(good) as we imagine. And just give it time,it will get much better.I thought that my life will end when she left me,and the pain was unbearable,but here i am after almost a year,and i'm much better.

Good luck

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Everyone seems to think I dodged a bullet because she needs to grow up. She thinks everything should be a fairytale and real relationships like ours was just aren't like that. She wasn't willing to get through a rut and she thinks the honeymoon phase should last forever. We still went and had fun and we were super comfortable around each other. Our goofiness and personalities outside of relationship issues were a good match. She thinks that our relationship should have been perfect. I really think she has a case of the GIGS or a quarter life crisis or something.

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I got replaced quickly. My replacement lasted approximately as long as I did in her life. I'll admit that it was a long painful process dealing with the blow to the ego (which I think is natural for a lot of men) which led me to a lot of research on relationships, communication and self-development over the last year.

 

It sounds like you're in a dark place right now. You need to choose how you're going to handle this situation: Are you going to take some time, deal with the pain, learn to accept what she's done and then build yourself into a man that she wishes she could have? Or are you going to embrace your pain, wallow in it, let it eat you alive (mentally, emotionally) and then let your misery define who you are as a man?

 

It took me a while but after a two months of my ex being in a relationship, I got help, stayed away from booze, recommitted myself to the gym, read up on relationships and psychology, took some professional development steps (PMP) and started going to church.

 

Collectively, these steps made me in to a better man than I've ever been in my life. Recently, I've found out that my ex is single again, and I will admit, I'm struggling to stay NC, but something that I never considered before is entering my mind: "Does she deserve the man I've become? Has she changed or matured in a way that she now has clear life goals like I do now?". Its almost as if I've achieved a new level of self-worth, confidence and clarity in life.

 

I know this must sound silly, but I think that all the work I've done, progress that I've made, the happy state of being that I've attained, the stronger relationships with family and friends I've built.....make me question for a moment whether or not I want to share my life with her now.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Work through the pain and then work on yourself. Don't sell yourself short! If you get through this hell through self development, you may find that you're happier with yourself than what you thought you were by having her in your life and attaching your identity to her and your relationship.

 

Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

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I have been replaced in a very short amount of time. Has anyone else dealt with being replaced so quickly after being dumped? What happened and did you ever get any closure? Me and my ex were together 2 1/2 years, but it had become stale and we never sat down and talked about how to fix us.

 

You are the first person ever to have gone thru this.. Just kidding, this happens every day.

 

Its simple. You two wanted to different things. She wants a marriage and family and you didn't. Whats there to talk about or 'fix'?

 

Your friends are being supportive by saying "you dodged a bullet" but I think in reality, you two were on different paths and at this point in your life you were not ready to give her what she wanted. Or maybe she wasn't the one that you wanted to marry. Lets be honest here, she had to say "Crap or get off the pot" for you to propose.

 

There is nothing wrong with you or her, no fault or blame to go around. You two dated, had fun, made memories but the relationship came to a fork in the road, and you two wanted different things. Tell me, at any time did you ever say "Why cant things be the same way as they are now?"

 

She is happy, and youll find someone who is more in line with what you want.

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I did want marriage and family, I was about to propose to her. We talked as if it was what was going to be. She ran when we got in a rut and started bickering from communication issues. I did want all of that with her and soon.

 

Then why didn't you propose earlier? What was there to work out prior to proposing? Why not propose, then work out the details? Im just trying to look at things from her end. I think there is more to the story then what was posted. Im thinking she didn't want to force you and it would seemed forced or you needed to be convinced that marrying her was what you were supposed to do and not what you wanted to do. Just my two cents.

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She knew I wanted to be financially stable beforehand. I was in the process of choosing a career path, which I did a few days after she left. She was mad that I had done all the things she wanted me to do after she left. So there it is I guess.

 

I wanted to wait until "I was financially stable" is always a good reason to tell someone a good reason why you don't want to propose. Heard it, and used it myself. But if you were dirt poor and you really wanted to marry her, you would of.

 

If you didn't want to marry her then you didn't want to marry her. Its okay. She wasn't the one for you. There is no reason to say you screwed up. I know it hurts but in the end this is best for you and for her. She is looking or has found someone who is more aligned with her plans and you will find someone who is more with yours. Its going to be painful but this is really a blessing.

 

Its how life goes sometimes.

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So she contacted me yesterday. She said she had my stuff packed at the old house. She also asked about my grandmother who is having health problems. Now she wants to go visit my grandmother next week. Why?

 

Could be many reasons why and there is a chance she might not know why. So you will go crazy trying to figure that out. Focus on the moment and not the reason behind it. You are single, she is not dating you anymore and you will move on. You are going to be just fine.

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I'm fine with it. Not overthinking it at all, just curious that she would want to visit when she wasn't super close with her. I already know I will be the subject of of conversation at some point. She does like my grandmother a lot so I am cool with it. I've asked some girls that I know what it means, and they said she was just trying to find an excuse to talk to me. Understandable considering I have been in no contact and we had an undeniable connection while we were together. Either way I haven't and will not let it bother me. She is welcome to visit with her as far as I am concerned. I was very nice and collected when I talked to her, tried to convey that I am doing just fine without her.

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Basically I screwed up.

It will take some time and some work on your part, but eventually you'll forgive her and more importantly, you'll forgive yourself.

 

You didn't screw up. You made choices that seemed to be logical at the time. The only problem is, that when you break up, you've given someone their freedom to date whomever they want FROM THAT MOMENT. Sometimes when someone is preparing to leave a relationship, they've already got the next person lined up. Sometimes, someone else is waiting on them to break up with you and they get their hooks into your ex as soon as possible.

 

You can drive yourself insane wondering what happened, where/when did they decide to move on with the next person. Or you can commit yourself to No Contact/Low contact, and use it to reflect on yourself, what you want, what you think will make you happy and a better person for someone who is looking for someone just like you.

 

We're all "the next person that's looking for the better version of someone else" in a way. Right now, someone who is breaking up with someone else, will go through what you (and all us) are gong through and when they've gained the stability in their lives when they're ready to receive someone like us, that's the point where we realize what we're truly gaining after the struggle that we're currently dealing with emotionally, mentally and physically...

 

The real problem with No Contact (from my perspective) is false hope of the person coming back into your life. It sucks because that's all you think about night and day while you're on your own, working out, getting therapy, in the company of friends (when all you want is to be in your ex's arms). While I'm still NC one year later, there are days when I still struggle with this. However, my heart is healed and I've forgiven her in my mind and heart. It took a long time, but I accept what I did to end the relationship and how/why she moved on quickly. My false hope of her coming back is gone but I want her to be happy no matter what she's doing or who she's with.

 

It just takes a while, but acceptance and forgiveness is the end goal in my mind. Only then can you replace your ex with someone who will take up the space in your mind and heart that you gave to your ex.

 

If you choose to go No contact, stick to it no matter what until you're ready to forgive. That's the only way you can start a new relationship with your ex, no matter if you're just going to be friends or lovers or whatever.

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I heard in a inspirational section of you tube this man was talking about taking your pain and motivating it so it grows to positivity. He said Adele the singer who won tons of grammys for her awesome albums where she spilled her pain about her relationships. She was with a guy and he dumped her and the guy immediately found someone new in like 2 months and they ended up getting married. She wrote all those songs about what she was feeling so she used her pain for something positive. Her pain was her motivation and you can feel it in her songs and the way she sings So use your pain for good use. There's always something good and positive that comes from something that sucks. If that didn't happen to her if she didn't feel how awful she felt after being dumped by the so called love of your life then we wouldn't have those incredible powerful songs that we can connect to that are timeless

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  • 2 weeks later...
I heard in a inspirational section of you tube this man was talking about taking your pain and motivating it so it grows to positivity. He said Adele the singer who won tons of grammys for her awesome albums where she spilled her pain about her relationships. She was with a guy and he dumped her and the guy immediately found someone new in like 2 months and they ended up getting married. She wrote all those songs about what she was feeling so she used her pain for something positive. Her pain was her motivation and you can feel it in her songs and the way she sings So use your pain for good use. There's always something good and positive that comes from something that sucks. If that didn't happen to her if she didn't feel how awful she felt after being dumped by the so called love of your life then we wouldn't have those incredible powerful songs that we can connect to that are timeless

I think this along goes for the entire genre of Blues music

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Ha! this was my situation exactly! we were together 3 years, lived together 2 and I became complacent (not courting her) and emotionally distant and negative due to a lack of job I was satisfied with. We talked of marriage and a future too. I could see her growing distant and knew she was going to break up with me about a week before it happened. I actually initiated the conversation. Come to find out she jumped to a new relationship 2 weeks later and they were official about 6 weeks post break up. We're 3 months broken up and 2 months NC. I can tell you it gets so much easier if you just cut off all contact (NO social media, no anything!). I was kind of distancing myself in the relationship too so that helped. I still love the woman and she was a great woman, we just lacked passion. I think this new guy is a much better fit for what she's looking for, I just don't see them lasting because they're long distance and I dont think either is in a position to relocate due to children.

 

I've literally just been focusing on me since NC and it's doing wonders! I started a new job, back at the gym for the first time in 3 years, picked up a hobby (MMA), do occasional volunteer work, read and watch a ton of self help stuff, hang with my friends and family constantly and I am working on just being an overall better more positive person. Something I had lacked in that relationship.

 

I'm old man, 33. I am reinventing myself and you can too. Don't worry about the small stuff. I feel like I can attract girls years younger than me (but I'm somewhat good looking if I say so myself). I realized through this break up that you can't get hung up on "what ifs" and "should haves", what happened happened and it couldn't have happened any other way! Let her do her thing and if she comes back make your decision at that time. My girl is head over heels for this new guy, but she was for me too, so I don't know. Maybe it will work, maybe it wont. I just feel like she needs as much of a chance at happiness as I do. I wish her well but I wish myself to be even better off than her! be selfish, be angry it didn't work but get your ish together and make some changes and find a new one, or don't but find a way to be happy. Life is short man, she left because she was unhappy so why are you gonna be stuck on her and stay in an unhappy state when she is actively trying to distance herself from what made her unhappy?

 

p.s. shatteredman has some killer advice, it's nice to see someone a year on from the same situation doing well! Hope she at least comes back to give you the chance to reject/accept her man. We all deserve at least that "hey" text months down the line, lol! (for closure purposes)

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