drifted away. 6.5 years of marriage and giving up..

we have two kids, both school ready now.

he is 35, i 32. we are at loggerheads with each other most of the time, unable to compromise. serious vicious arguments, which lead to him insulting me, and i getting upset/angry.

he is extremely close to his family. we live separate to them, but he travels daily to see his parents. i have accepted this. but i feel our life revolves around them, and now there are mind games. he is extremely childish, and discussed absolutely everything with his parents, even which yoghurt we use! i would be surprised if he doesn't discuss his bowel movements!

i work pretty much all weekend; i took last weekend off to do something with husband and kids. my family wished to go out of town for the day on Saturday so we went along with them. he went but had the hump most of the day.

we rarely do anything ever with friends. i was quite social before we got married, he is anti-social. we have one set of friends with kids of similar age. i invited them over on sunday evening for pizza who we hadn't seen for 3 months. he had the hump.

despite taking the weekend off, sunday morning, i suggested we go to his parents for breakfast. he had work to do so suggested lunchtime. we went for a couple of hours, then as soon as we left, he had the hump that we had friends over. psychologically, i think he felt guilty we had friends over whilst his parents were home alone. my husband is a strange creature. he feels he has to justify everything to his parents. before he leaves, he gives them a itinerary of plans for the evening/the next day. he even tells them what time i go to/from work!

in my eyes, it felt as though he was unhappy i took time off work; he didn't get to do what he usually does which is sit at his parents all day long whilst i'm at work.

i said that to him. he threw it back in my face saying i'm pathetic and childish. he name calls a lot recently saying i control the way he lives his life. that's right, i may suggest certain things about his comings and goings. but if i don't, he would literally live there for hours and hours!

he says he's upset i refused to go see his brother previous weekend for a day trip yet we went along with my parents the next weekend.

he continuously slags me off. every decision has a answer from him.

next weekend i booked another weekend off which he has known about over a month to go away with husband and kids. nothing booked yet but this was the plan which he knew about.

his brother is going away in the middle of the next weekend, so now he tells me this evening 'let me see if we can go'. of course, this got my back up. i have lived with this for 7 years. basically, he needs to ask permission before we go away from his parents, sort out other logistics (if the other brother is willing to go)

i really am struggling to live with this now, his constant need to answer/question everything with his family. it is interfering in our family home.

he has become bitter towards me. i work and provide for myself and the kids. he never takes the onus to do anything or spoil me. he feels because he has provided a roof over our heads, and pays the gas bills, he does enough.

between us, we have saved a lot of money. i feel like i cannot spend my money, because of his judgmental personality. everything has a answer. a justification. he is mr.perfect and i'm the ty selfish wife who never lives up to expectations.

he says i don't do enough for his family, or my own family. he says i'm inconsiderate and selfish. is it wrong of me to put him and our kids first? our family life first? if i dont, he wouldn't and we would forever spend our time at his parents.

i have in the past got annoyed with his parents coming over. i like my own space. he is a terrible terrible mummy's boy and i question his manhood sometimes with the way he foots around her.

this evening was left with a serious swearing match. as i was trying to sort things out, he threw that back in my face too saying 'oh ur saying it now arent u' 'u dont mean it' i told him to '** off and get his mum to find him a perfect wife'

he now says he WILL NOT go anywhere with us next weekend. for us to do what we like. u know what the problem is though? if i was to do something, he would then throw that back in my face saying 'im selfish for going. i tried to take his kids away from him'

i cannot win. he bullies me and wins every verbal argument.

He's bitter?

Holy god all that is in this post is a list of bitter resentment on your part. These issues are mutual.

It sounds like you have contempt for this man. That isn't something that just gets fixed. That is a deep issue that would take a lot of willing work on both sides to start to heal.

Do you want to do that work? Because it doesn't sound like you do. If you aren't willing then it won't matter what else happens. Both partners have to be willing and able to work on the relationship and right now it sounds like you aren't willing and he might not be capable (or you don't believe he is capable) of working on it.

If you don't want to do that work (I wouldn't blame you) then leave. Figure it out. There is no room for love once contempt has crept in.

Yeah, he's controlling you through emotional abuse. There's also an added layer of his parents controlling him. I don't see a way around it other than to get out somehow. They've already made you a wreck, and they'll continue to beat you down. You need to get out.

This whole dynamic is very dysfunctional.

His parents control him and he tries to control you. He doesn't "visit" his parents all the time, he is checking in with his parents. It sounds almost cult-ish to me.

He will not listen to you so you need outside help if this is ever going to get even slightly better.

Marriage counseling or a therapist is your best bet or a divorce attorney...

While he is out for a while make copies of all the official documents. Bank statements with balances, check stubs for the last 3 months, investment statements and stuff like that and then hide them somewhere safe.

THEN sit down with him when it is calm in the house and tell him (don't ask) that OUR marriage is dying and that WE need help making OUR marriage healthy, loving, respectful and happy so you want to see a marriage counselor as soon as possible before anymore damage is done. If he refuses to go tell him that you are going with him or without him so they can help you decide what is the best thing to do.

Don't threaten divorce, don't get mad and move out, don't take large sums of money out of any accounts. Just go see a counselor/therapist to help either just you or both of you see how messed up this marriage is.

Reading your words I do not see much hope of this getting better but since children are involved you should try your best.

Lost

Thank you all for your input

Both of us seeing a therapist is never going to happen. He will not do it and will mock me for suggesting it. So i won't suggest it

He is a lawyer by profession so it's his job to have an answer for everything.

It's a cultural thing being attached to parents. But even my own parents respect and consider i have my own life so i don't need to see them everyday. I can blame his parents but he is to blame too. He is overly attached, feels he owes them his life etc.

They have always been civil and nice toward me. But it seems to me it's a ploy for keeping their son happy. And there is a underlying tone of controlling behaviour by always being in the know of what he is doing. His brothers for example, don't succumb to this 'mummying' as much as my one does.

He is a good man. Loyal. Obedient. Kind. Caring. A great father. Helps at home and uses initiative.

But i feel these apron strings have taken over our home

I also feel he thinks i'm a terrible person; i don't live up to the expectation of a daughter in law. I don't invite them around often and i am unwelcoming.

I see wives around me making demands off their husband. I never demand anything. I pay my own way, for the kids everything.

He doesn't have any friends. I used to be social. Now we only have one family we know ( the ones who came on sunday he was unhappy about)

He knows nothing other than work, home, his parents

Was he like this before you married him?

Not to change the subject..., but what is "hump"?

before we got married, i briefly knew he was a family man but not to this extent of being 'obsessed' with mummy and daddy.

having severe withdrawal symptoms if they are ever away.

'hump' being in a mood/off towards me

You have to pay your own/kids way?

If there is to be any hope of saving this; the "talks" must be followed with ever increasing action steps.

Mama's boys are many, if not most times, victims of parental abuse.

This is the only marital blueprint they know, and can't understand why you can't be like his Mother.

Can it be changed? Yes, but not without a coming-to-terms event(s), and a final abandonment of past life by the affected spouse.

Thanks for your support

When someone is suffering these replies mean ever so much

He has since been making effort. Bought flowers, been making effort to make conversation but i feel sad/drained. So i speak when i am spoken to

I septn a lot of time throughout this marriage just constantly 'chasing' him, making effort. I think that has led to him not making much effort

My workload this week is crazy. 7 days non stop. He has helped me do some work whilst he has been busy with his own work.

Today, he was home so rather than the kids going to grandparents, i woke up extra early to make them all lunch and left for work at normal time. As far as i knew the kids and he would have a home day. Plus i was only working 10-3.

Lo and behold, lunch left at counter uneaten and he has taken the kids to his parents. He has rang to say kids don't want to leave as they playing with their cousons. I asked him to go back to collect the kids..it's now an hour later and he still isn't back.

The lunch uneaten i feel was to spite me. Perhaps im reading too much into it, but i came home and was genuinely upset to see the food uneaten.

And now he still hasn't returned. If i say anything, he will be rude and just remark 'u dont want the kids going there. It's the same old. I cant win' etc etc rather than addressing the issue of how he has upset me by rejecting my efforts to yet again go to mummy soon as wife leaves the door

I'm so tired. I don't like being married sny longer. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because of my children

You cannot automatically reject marriage counseling or a therapist to help you both. Sit down and have a serious talk with him about how unhappy you are and the poor condition of your marriage and then suggest see a counselor. Do not decide anything for him, let him decide and then you can see what happens.

The fact that he has started helping out more shows he knows you are not happy and he is worried. Have the talk and if he refuses tell him you are going to see someone with or without him to help you decide what is the best thing to do.

You are about done and everything that happens big or small looks negative to you right now. Before it gets any worse you need to talk to someone as a couple or by yourself. If you are not willing to talk to him about counseling then find a divorce attorney and start the process because it is not going to get any better.

Simply complaining about all this will NEVER make anything better. You need to take action.

Lost