Feeling conflicted about the future of my relationship, and crush on another man!

I've been with my fiancé for almost 7 years, engaged for the past 2 years. For the most part we're a happy couple, but we've been through a lot. We currently live together, and will soon be purchasing our fist home. I do really love him, but I'm terrified that I'm no longer in love with him... as I've recently found that I'm drawn to a co-worker. I can't stop thinking about this person! Nothing has happened, in fact I've only known him for a short while but I'm struggling. I feel so strongly that there's a connection there, no matter how much I try to deny and avoid it. I'm scared about what this means for me and my fiancé! I hate how often I think about this man, and how I feel when I see him. I feel so guilty and frustrated with myself. I try to keep conversation minimal between us at work, but due to our line of work, that isn't always possible. Ive never had any feelings towards another person whilst being in a relationship before. I'm ashamed to admit that I've even avoided mentioning to this person that I'm in a relationship, which is absolutely ridiculous. I sometimes think about how if I was single it'd be able to see where things could go. I don't recognise myself or these thoughts at the moment.

Me and my fiancé have gone through some challenges, a few years ago he ended our relationship. And I later discovered he'd been talking to someone behind my back for a couple of months. Very quickly after we split they entered a relationship, and I was absolutely crushed. He wasn't honest with me, I had to play games to get the truth out of him over the course of our time apart (3-4 months). He assured me it was all just texting/emotional. But almost a year later I discovered he'd met with her too whilst I was on holiday (although nothing physical happened- it was supposedly as 'friends'). Anyway, months after we split we gave things another go, within 6 months we were engaged! It hasn't always been easy. I've struggled a lot trying to rebuild the trust and to fully forgive. There is no denying how strongly he feels for me. I see him work hard all the time to try and make up for the betrayal. He is loving, affectionate and kind. What is wrong with me?! Any words of advice or support would be much appreciated.

please do not buy a house with this man. You will get in the house and the wedding will be kicked down the road and kicked down the road or you will feel trapped.

Even if you decide to stay with this man --- marriage comes before a house. Do NOT purchase a home with him.

I am guessing there is no wedding date at this point. If there is one -- then you need to postpone it.

What is wrong with me?! Any words of advice or support would be much appreciated.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are engaged to a man who emotionally cheated behind your back and then left you for someone else. I would wonder despite how hard he tries to win me over, that the grass would be greener again someday.

What IS wrong is that your eye is wandering instead of ending the relationship because you don't feel you are in love anymore.

Nothing wrong with you. However, put the brakes on the wedding.

You want another man. Until you figure that out you cannot proceed with your fiance.

How old are you, OP? Did you have much dating experience prior to meeting your fiance?

I ask because sometimes a waning interest is a result of a relationship that started young and then one party (or both) outgrows it and becomes restless to see what else is out there.

I agree with the others, do not buy a house or continue wedding planning at this point. You have a lot of thinking to do and some big choices to make first.

How old are you, OP? Did you have much dating experience prior to meeting your fiance?

 

I ask because sometimes a waning interest is a result of a relationship that started young and then one party (or both) outgrows it and becomes restless to see what else is out there.

 

I agree with the others, do not buy a house or continue wedding planning at this point. You have a lot of thinking to do and some big choices to make first.

Knowing the man i was dating was talking to another woman behind my back before we broke up would be enough for me to have waning interest...or at least short lived interest when we got back together. i would think the only way he came back is because she dumped him

I'm 27, and we are each other's first love. It's such a difficult situation. I find myself thinking and feeling one thing, and then thinking and feeling the complete opposite. He is my best friend, and I can't imagine a future without him in it. I feel confused as I find it difficult to tell whether I have outgrown him, or whether it's because we've been together for a long time and are comfortable. Fortunately we have no wedding plans at all and I wouldn't enter a marriage feeling this way.

Fortunately we have no wedding plans at all and I wouldn't enter a marriage feeling this way.

Why are you engaged if there are no wedding plans? If you wouldn't enter a marriage feeling this way, then why did you say yes? Unless you feel engagement is just a means to "take someone off the market" so to speak and does not really mean the wedding is imminent? YES means "i want to marry you"

@abitbroken I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, but I feel that you're being extremely judgemental, based on the limited amount of information that I've provided! There is always two sides to every story! I didn't enter an engagement like I was entering a room, he is my best friend and I adore him. I wanted to respect the fact that we'd had time apart and that rebuilding the trust would take time. We made the decision to have a long engagement, but the love and commitment was there! Not to mention we both rent at the moment, and don't have a money tree. My current feelings are relatively new! Hence the post!

Additionally I know people that have had imminent weddings, followed my imminent divorces. I like to do things at my own pace, and would never allow other peoples own beliefs or society's traditions dictate how I should live my life.

Be honest with yourself and be honest with him. If there really aren't any other factors in this decision (ie past things that cant be put to rest like cheating/stealing/lying, how you treat each other currently, and how much of other people you each have experienced being with) and everything is good, then maybe you've just grown apart, and maybe he feels the same way. You gotta talk to him, don't make this decision on your own, give him the courtesy to at least be part of the process of deciding what to do. It's not going to be a pleasant talk but putting everything on the table leaves less room for hurt feelings later, and maybe actually talking about it will help you decide if he really is the one or not.

I feel that you're being extremely judgemental, based on the limited amount of information that I've provided! There is always two sides to every story! I didn't enter an engagement like I was entering a room, he is my best friend and I adore him. I wanted to respect the fact that we'd had time apart and that rebuilding the trust would take time. We made the decision to have a long engagement, but the love and commitment was there! Not to mention we both rent at the moment, and don't have a money tree. My current feelings are relatively new! Hence the post!

I think the key here is communication, perhaps? ;v; I think you should definitely hold off on the wedding somehow. There are some trust issues you need to work out. Sit down, have a conversation, and get it all out on the table. You definitely don't want to enter a marriage before the trust is fixed (this trust issue could even be what caused you to have a crush on someone else).

I don't think it's as much of a matter that you've "outgrown" him, as it is that you don't trust him, and rightly so. In short, I'd focus on what the future may hold, and based on choices you make, be careful not to stoop to his level by involving yourself with another man.

If you want to save your relationship you will need to either seek therapy, do some deep down reflection or have lots of heart to heart talks to try and heal from his betrayal of your trust. Take a look at what your crush is giving to you that your current isn't. I find when we allow ourselves to have feelings for others, it's most often to fill some kind of void that is missing from your current relationship. I think it's also natural to be fearful of the commitment of marriage, and at your age, this being your "first love" it is natural for you to wonder if he is really the one and this is gonna be it for you.

I have the somewhat pessimistic attitude of not believing in "the one" as I feel like I could have a strong connection with any number of people. A good relationship takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

@abitbroken I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, but I feel that you're being extremely judgemental, based on the limited amount of information that I've provided! There is always two sides to every story! I didn't enter an engagement like I was entering a room, he is my best friend and I adore him. I wanted to respect the fact that we'd had time apart and that rebuilding the trust would take time. We made the decision to have a long engagement, but the love and commitment was there! Not to mention we both rent at the moment, and don't have a money tree. My current feelings are relatively new! Hence the post!

 

Additionally I know people that have had imminent weddings, followed my imminent divorces. I like to do things at my own pace, and would never allow other peoples own beliefs or society's traditions dictate how I should live my life.

I am not being judgemental. You asked for advice.

Its not about "its none of your business how i live my life."

The simple fact is ---- engagement means you are marrying.

If you don't feel comfortable with entering into a marriage with a man, then there is no point to being engaged.

I have a sister who had a long engagement BUT the wedding date was chosen -- it was just 2 years down the road.

On the other hand, i have a friend who got a house with her fiance, got engaged and the wedding never happened. Its 12 years later and she is uneasy about marrying the guy. Not cold feet - there are concerns with the relationship that involved infidelity before they even got engaged and it affects their relationship even now. She doesn't feel she can walk away because they are too tied together with financial assets, pets etc. There are people here who are married and are still thinking about the infidelity that occurred before the wedding.

I hope you head my advice and do not buy a house to tie yourselves together until you are absolutely sure - with no reservations - that you want to absolutely marry this man.

@abitbroken I appreciate where you're coming from 100%. I'm seeking advice, which is why I've posted on here. But what I'm trying to say is that despite not planning and setting a date (due to the various and valid reasons I've listed), we have had every intention of getting married! I say had, as im at a place now where I need to really reflect on what I want and what I'm feeling.

However, that doesn't change or impact how I felt at the time that I was proposed to. And as you say those feelings that I'm experiencing now (and for the last couple of weeks) may have still emerged regardless of whether we were married or not. Everyone does things very differently, and everyone's story is different. I actually struggle with anxiety, which also doesn't help! But as I say, I have friends marry within a year of their proposal, and all of which have now divorced. I wouldn't humiliate myself by taking a marriage proposal so lightly, if I had no intention of marrying that individual. We've always planned to purchase a property before wedding planning. Can't afford to save and do both at the same time. But I wholeheartedly agree about being wary of entering a tie when there are reservations. I will definitely be having an honest conversation with him, and working out what the next step is. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

I'd like to know more about the breakup and the reconciliation. Can you tell me why you decided to take him back after he cheated? I'm not trying to be judgemental with this line of questioning. Rather, I want a little more insight into your decision making. Being totally honest - why did you take him back?

I agree with others that this broken trust probably factors heavily into the way you're feeling, including the wandering eye. When he cheated, he showed you that he is not the man you thought him to be. So it follows that you are now (perhaps unconsciously) seeking out a man who you can hold to a higher moral standard. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It is confusing to me when on the one hand you say you are engaged--which is normally defined as an intent to marry. then on the other hand, you state that you will not conform to what society defines.

Seriously, we're just talking about word definitions. Only your actions box you in--or not.

It seems to me that you really do not want to be engaged anymore--even if you have some residual affection for your erstwhile fiance.

You are lusting after other men. so have at it. Just break off the engagement and spread your wings to fly. That is what 20-somethings do, they explore their life.

You are in no way ready to settle down. And from what you write of your fiance, neither is he.