dilemma over inviting sisters partner to wedding

Hi everyone

Just seeking some advice hopefully which will be free of judgement. I am in a really difficult situation. My sister is a lesbian and has been living with her partner for a year. We are from a very conservative and religious family and our immediate family is supportive of the relationship, but wider family and friends don't know

My wedding is approaching and I've thought long and hard about whether to invite her partner. I wish the world and people weren't so backward in their thinking, but the truth is I know there will be people talking if my sister comes with her partner. As family and friends don't know, I would feel like it would be her way of coming out, when really it's my big day. I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position, as I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship. I know this will hurt my sister and her partner and that's not my intention at all. I just don't want to have them together as a couple at my wedding and having that be the first time most family will find out, and have that be the 'scandal'. How do I deal with this?

Can you ask your sister if you can have a heart-to-heart with her, and just ask her to bring her partner as a friend, and not necessarily as a partner? Tell her that you really want her partner there, but that you'd like the focus to be on you and your wedding day (perfectly normal!) and ask that if/when she comes out to the rest of the family, that she choose a different date?

Not inviting her partner could cause trouble for years to come, especially if they eventually get married, have children, etc.

Don't start your life out like this. I bet your sister would understand (I hope!). This way, your sister is there, her partner (friend!) is there, and everyone is happy, and no one is the wiser.

Hi LHGirl, thanks for the reply. The thing is, my sister has several posts on Facebook with this girl indicating they are a couple so I know that some mutual friends already probably know. However I find it really difficult to be open about this with my friends and just feel that if she were to come, I would have to acknowledge it and would know that people would know. I don't know if that makes sense. It's such a mess!

So if she posts on Facebook, then the people who are there who know, will already know. And those who aren't on Facebook, will just think of her as her friend.

Either way, if you can just kindly ask your sister to present her friend to those who don't know, as just "My friend X". This way, it's not like she's coming out to anyone who doesn't already know, and the ones who know, won't care.

And if you're worrying about people whispering across the aisle, well, they're going to do that anyway. Oh, you know her sister is gay.....gasp. Even if your sister doesn't show up at all (which I know isn't your original question). People love to gossip!

I totally understand people love a gossip. But I am from such a traditional background and I honestly would feel really uncomfortable about her being there on the day as I know people would probably put 2 and 2 together. Is it really unreasonable that I ask this? It's only one day for her but the most important day of my life for me.

If you ask your sister to bring her partner as her "roommate" be very prepared for her to refuse any invitation to your wedding.

And that you think your sister would deliberately usurp your wedding is a very sad tell about how you think of her.

You want her to stand with you and witness your love while denying hers.

Hi everyone

 

Just seeking some advice hopefully which will be free of judgement. I am in a really difficult situation. My sister is a lesbian and has been living with her partner for a year. We are from a very conservative and religious family and our immediate family is supportive of the relationship, but wider family and friends don't know

 

My wedding is approaching and I've thought long and hard about whether to invite her partner. I wish the world and people weren't so backward in their thinking, but the truth is I know there will be people talking if my sister comes with her partner. As family and friends don't know, I would feel like it would be her way of coming out, when really it's my big day. I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position, as I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship. I know this will hurt my sister and her partner and that's not my intention at all. I just don't want to have them together as a couple at my wedding and having that be the first time most family will find out, and have that be the 'scandal'. How do I deal with this?

Consider acting in the spirit of your request, ("advice hopefully which will be free of judgement"). What would a choice free of judgement look like? You can only decide how you yourself choose to judge, not what others do, and you can set an example since you have the power in this situation.

Seems to me, the most nonjudgemental choice is to send your sister an invite-plus-one and let her decide who to bring. Could you do that and still be the bride of the day?

Invite her, too bad for the people who are too backwards to accept it. Love is love and it's their problem is they are going to be judgmental a$$'s. Don't allow the haters to make your decisions.

I totally understand people love a gossip. But I am from such a traditional background and I honestly would feel really uncomfortable about her being there on the day as I know people would probably put 2 and 2 together. Is it really unreasonable that I ask this? It's only one day for her but the most important day of my life for me.

Are you saying you don't accept your sister for who she is?

Even though it is an important day for you as far as committing yourself to another person in marriage, you can still act with love and compassion toward others.

Sorry, you need to invite people who are in relationships whether they are heterosexual, LGBT, or interracial to weddings. Your sister and her partner are a social unit and should be invited together. The ONLY exception to this rule is if her partner poses a serious threat to your family (which she isn't).

We are from a very conservative and religious family and our immediate family is supportive of the relationship, but wider family and friends don't know.

It isn't YOUR place to discuss her relationship with her girlfriend. She is an adult and can speak for herself. And besides, everyone will be more focused on YOUR marriage than her relationship. I had a Catholic wedding and a gay couple attend, and not one person batted an eye or fixated on them being gay.

As family and friends don't know, I would feel like it would be her way of coming out, when really it's my big day.

Do you honestly think her sexual preference is really going to upstage your wedding day? Yet you think it's totally justifiable to demand your sister to celebrate your love for your husband, but deny her love at the same time? That's totally messed up. I strongly doubt that she will purposely upstage you at all.

I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position, as I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship.

Either you are overreacting OR you are looking for a problem that doesn't exist. Nobody in the right mindset is going to pull you aside and ask you, the bride, about your sibling's homosexuality and cause a problem on the day of the wedding. If so, they are being the problem, not your sister.

Your sister is an adult and is fully capable of speaking for herself. This problem is none of your business to address. If someone is really curious and actually asks you is question, play dumb and be like "I don't know, why don't you go and ask her."

You are going to be very tied up with your new husband that you won't have time to have these ridiculous, petty conversations on your wedding day. You are going to be so busy being in love with your husband that you're not going to care about someone bringing a SO whom you may not like.

I think you should invite her as you would any other partner/significant other.

The whole lesbian/religious family/possible scandal is kind of not your business. There could be tons of other "scandals" that day. Someone could be pregnant. Someone could pass away. Someone could get into a car accident. Heck! I know someone whose parent's house burned to the ground shortly before the wedding! All of this is noise. Sure, it becomes a topic of conversation, but none of it detracts from the fact that it's your big day and that everyone is there to see YOU get married.

You can't control everything and even trying to control it will result in hurt feelings, etc. (and it's a little bridezilla)

I say, just put on your dress and get married. The rest is not your problem or concern.

You invite your sister with a plus one and leave it up to her whether to come solo or to bring her girlfriend. Its up to her whether she wants to discuss her issues with her extended family by bringing her, make it a nonissue by bringing her or coming solo. That is the proper etiquette.

Yes, asking for no judgement from people on a topic laced with judgement towards your sister, well, is ironic. I will do my best:

If you love your sister and wish to continue a good relationship with her, invite her with a plus one, like another user said. If your sister brings her gf, do not tell your sister to present her as a friend. This puts your sister in a terrible position with her partner, as she will basically be denying their relationship status while celebrating yours. Trust me, it won't bode well for anyone, including you. The backlash from this could very well be much worse than any gossip that may occur.

About the gossip, do not worry. I bet if the extended family cares so much about these things, they've most likely heard about it anyway. Gossip happens and you cannot stop it. Just enjoy your wedding day happily with your family and all will go well.

So the only way I see you being able to exclude her partner is if you only invite legally married people to your wedding -no other guests or plus ones. Even then you'll get push back - but at least then you can say you drew this boundary.

And no I do not think it's ok to say "plus one" - I've been in that situation where I had a serious boyfriend and the bride knew it -and yes, I wanted his name on the invitation just the same as if we were married. And I was in the situation where the bride only invited married people. I had a serious boyfriend who she knew. I went alone and traveled far and was the only uncoupled person at my table. I put on a smile and celebrated as best I could but yes it was uncomfortable (and no it wasn't a financial reason).

I think your sister will behave appropriately and not use it as her coming out moment -just like we expect most couples not to be in the "they should get a room" position in public at a wedding.

I do feel for you given your family background and all and yes you are the bride and yes it is your day and yes you chose to have a large reception and the downside to large receptions is the increased risk of drama (just wait till you try to do your tables and get the "she doesn't want to sit with her/he only wants to sit with ___ group, etc"

And no I do not think it's ok to say "plus one" - I've been in that situation where I had a serious boyfriend and the bride knew it -and yes, I wanted his name on the invitation just the same as if we were married. And I was in the situation where the bride only invited married people. I had a serious boyfriend who she knew. I went alone and traveled far and was the only uncoupled person at my table. I put on a smile and celebrated as best I could but yes it was uncomfortable (and no it wasn't a financial reason).

Yep, plus one and significant other are two different labels. Plus ones are up for any invite- friend, cousin, sibling,aunt, etc. Your sister's girlfriend is a significant other because of official relationship status. Invitation should be addressed to her and her partner by name.

I agree with you all , especially as my daughter is bi sexual . But ..not everyone does and we have had a slice of this ourselves . My daughter went to her friends house wearing an LBGT t shirt and had to cover it everytime she went downstairs so her friends parents didn't see it , as she would have either been asked to leave or asked to never come back!

I can also see how the op doesn't want her wedding day to be the coming out lesbian day in everyone's memory .

However , my final thought is still ..screw them all and you support your sister and her g/friend .

I think they both can come to the wedding. If anybody asks, just say she's a friend, which she is. Let's not get into a heavy philosophical discussion at the wedding. I would guess that some of the relatives can figure it out. The parents can stay ignorant, if they wish. The only other option is for the sister not to come with a date. (I didn't personally like going to weddings of people I didn't know.) But I think both can go, just not get into the whole gay issue.

Consider acting in the spirit of your request, ("advice hopefully which will be free of judgement"). What would a choice free of judgement look like? You can only decide how you yourself choose to judge, not what others do, and you can set an example since you have the power in this situation.

 

Seems to me, the most nonjudgemental choice is to send your sister an invite-plus-one and let her decide who to bring. Could you do that and still be the bride of the day?

I love this post ^^^. You may be pleasantly surprised by the reaction of your 'traditional' relatives if she does come to the wedding with her partner; you must be judging them very harshly to think they'd be more interested in her than in you, on your wedding day.

I'm assuming you love your sister. I think we can all assume she loves her partner. A wedding is a celebration of love, after all; and chances are that one or other of the relatives will have a son/daughter who's gay. Being open and honest about your sister's status will pave the way for openness and honesty across the board... and isn't that a value prized by most religions?

Invite her, too bad for the people who are too backwards to accept it. Love is love and it's their problem is they are going to be judgmental a$$'s. Don't allow the haters to make your decisions.

I think they both can come to the wedding. If anybody asks, just say she's a friend, which she is. Let's not get into a heavy philosophical discussion at the wedding. I would guess that some of the relatives can figure it out. The parents can stay ignorant, if they wish. The only other option is for the sister not to come with a date. (I didn't personally like going to weddings of people I didn't know.) But I think both can go, just not get into the whole gay issue.

Well no, she's not just a friend -she is a significant other. Why should she be treated differently from a heterosexual dating couple? And if they dance together it will be obvious anyway.

I have to wonder if any of the invited couples are heterosexual, living-together couples. Is that considered OK? Or is it only the same-sex couples that your family has a problem with?

Your sister is forever. Your wedding is one day. Is it worth possibly losing your relationship with your sister because of something you think MIGHT happen? For all you know, your family and guests will be too caught up with you and your new husband and congratulating you and wishing you well to spend their time gossiping about who your sister is dating.

And I would like to hope that your sister isn't the type to try to upstage your wedding day by making it about her and her choice of romantic partner.

My thoughts are, if they choose to act like children, let them talk, let them create a scandal, as it says more about them than it does your sister.

She's a human being, and her choices are her business and hers alone.

Besides, shouldn't it be up to your sister whether she wants to deal with the "scandal?" Obviously the bulk of any drama would fall on her and her partner. It doesn't seem she's giving you **** about inviting the rest of your guests and their partners, so why "side" with those who would potentially make it a bigger deal than your wedding?

And, really, I've known a lot of bigoted folks and this is by no means a defense of their way of thinking, but even some of the worst offenders knew when to maintain a sense of social tact. I think you're overthinking it in a big and unfortunate way.

So the only way I see you being able to exclude her partner is if you only invite legally married people to your wedding -no other guests or plus ones. Even then you'll get push back - but at least then you can say you drew this boundary.

 

And no I do not think it's ok to say "plus one" - I've been in that situation where I had a serious boyfriend and the bride knew it -and yes, I wanted his name on the invitation just the same as if we were married. And I was in the situation where the bride only invited married people. I had a serious boyfriend who she knew. I went alone and traveled far and was the only uncoupled person at my table. I put on a smile and celebrated as best I could but yes it was uncomfortable (and no it wasn't a financial reason).

 

I think your sister will behave appropriately and not use it as her coming out moment -just like we expect most couples not to be in the "they should get a room" position in public at a wedding.

 

I do feel for you given your family background and all and yes you are the bride and yes it is your day and yes you chose to have a large reception and the downside to large receptions is the increased risk of drama (just wait till you try to do your tables and get the "she doesn't want to sit with her/he only wants to sit with ___ group, etc"

The plus one suggestion is advice given in the least abrasive way to give the OP a chance for her sister to invite anyone, SO or someone else (which is what she wanted). She doesn't have to, of course. She could very well go with a more abrasive approach and state only married SO's can come, but she would actually be potentially exposing herself to more backlash from more family members who want their partners there. They might confront the bride or just not even go. A higher risk, IMO. I believe the bride wants the least confrontation, and I still suggest the plus one option comes with a reduced risk of that. Just consider all outcomes, in whatever you choose to do.

My sister is a lesbian and has been living with her partner for a year. We are from a very conservative and religious family and our immediate family is supportive of the relationship,

I would think that this is all that really matters. Your family supports the relationship which, in itself, is awesome and I don't see why other people (guests) opinions matter. If your own family supports her, why can't you?

That said, I am trying to imagine being at a wedding and seeing the bride's sister there with another girl - I wouldn't think anything at all. I would simply assume it's a friend and nothing more and I can't imagine anyone questioning her directly. And even if anyone actually questioned her (can't imagine what they would say or ask), then it's up to your sister how much information she wants to share or not. Most weddings I have been to people are simply enjoying themselves, dancing and having a good time. More likely than not, the majority there probably would be focused on the bride/groom and not your sister.

I honestly think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.