I'm feeling weirded out by his ex girlfriend...

Last night on Facebook I saw a notification that my partner's ex girlfriend had been with him and another friend. The given date was one where we had both been out on courses during the day, and we were together in the evening. These days they live around 250 miles apart, so any meeting would have involved a bit of planning; also, she doesn't drive. She's the same person I mentioned in this thread:

I have no problem in principle with him seeing her - they were together for a long time and he views her as a friend - but it seemed a bit strange that he hadn't mentioned it. I asked him about it, and he said he hadn't seen her and had no idea why she'd posted that; he also said that he hadn't seen the mutual friend for a couple of years. He'd certainly attended the course, too.

I'd pretty much forgotten about her; I've been too busy with other things recently to keep much of an eye on FB, but I'm feeling slightly weirded out by this. Is it possible to tag someone in a post accidentally? If so, that's probably the most likely and innocent explanation. Otherwise, why on earth would she be making out they'd met, if they actually hadn't? She has been in a new relationship herself for nearly two years.

I'm on Facebook a lot, and yes, that's weird, and no, it's not easy to tag someone accidentally.

Are you 100% positive he didn't see her anywhere? Run into her somewhere? She wasn't in town somehow?

You have to trust your BF, but my gosh, this is weird, and yes, this would weird me out too. I've been with my BF for 1 1/2 years, and he still has two exes (one exGF, one exWife) who just still can't seem to get the message that they're not part of his life/family/friends anymore. He's even blocked and unfriended them, yet they still sneak in. It's maddening.

Yikes. I read both posts and I have to admit that the vibe I am getting off of this is not good. This woman is too close for comfort and something doesn't seem right here.

Why did she want to friend you in the first place? Had you met previously? Did you and she ever talk in person?

As for tagging your bf when he says he was not there, that is very weird. I definitely would be keeping a close eye on this. You have already spoken to you bf and he has denied being there so unless he is a liar, you will have to trust it. But it still seems off to me.

Yikes. I read both posts and I have to admit that the vibe I am getting off of this is not good. This woman is too close for comfort and something doesn't seem right here.

Why did she want to friend you in the first place? Had you met previously? Did you and she ever talk in person?

 

As for tagging your bf when he says he was not there, that is very weird. I definitely would be keeping a close eye on this. You have already spoken to you bf and he has denied being there so unless he is a liar, you will have to trust it. But it still seems off to me.

I also get the impression, based on this and OP's previous thread about her.

OP, she could have tagged the wrong person in her post, but she's likely to have noticed that, and corrected it to tag the right person.

This does indeed seem odd. Also, he said he hadn't seen the mutual friend in a while, but do I understand correctly that you know the mutual friend was in fact at the same course as your boyfriend that day?

I re-read your entire other thread. I have to admit, I had read that thread when I first joined ENA, as I have a similar issue. My BF's exW friended me on FB, and I accepted, thinking I'd be the easygoing girlfriend. She tried to befriend me in person too, and for a while, it worked. Until her ex best friend pulled me aside one night and told me the truth: she's trying to get in between me and my BF, by acting like she's my friend, so she can say to my BF: But I'm so sweet to LHGirl! We've continually had boundary issues with her. I finally unfriended her, as I now see the true motive.

In your other thread, you mentioned that for 3.5 years, she tried to get back together with him. IMO, she will never fully go away. I'm sorry to say, but I'd be so uncomfortable with him maintaining this friendship. I don't care that it's 17 years; often, people who are married much longer than that, separate and don't keep in contact.

I have a bad feeling about her. It's just my feeling, but I don't think your BF is doing anything wrong. I do think that he's allowing her to continue her Facebook nonsense (liking every post, writing "nice" comments) by not setting proper boundaries. Actually, the boundaries need to be this: we are done with our relationship, let's each move on.

NC is advocated for a reason.

People don't really change. They stay the same throughout the years. If you want them to come back they won't. They will keep telling you that they have moved on and then they come back and you can never know if you will see them or not.

Also, he said he hadn't seen the mutual friend in a while, but do I understand correctly that you know the mutual friend was in fact at the same course as your boyfriend that day?

No, he hasn't seen the mutual friend for years; the man is in very ill health and there's NO WAY he'd have been anywhere near the course. Both the ex girlfriend and the mutual friend live in a town about 250 miles away. I also trust my partner 100% when he says he attended the course - apart from anything, there's the physical evidence.

I have a bad feeling about her. It's just my feeling, but I don't think your BF is doing anything wrong. I do think that he's allowing her to continue her Facebook nonsense (liking every post, writing "nice" comments) by not setting proper boundaries. Actually, the boundaries need to be this: we are done with our relationship, let's each move on.

Quite.

To be honest, I don't think he's doing anything wrong other than not boundary setting, either. She's involved with another guy, and has been for a while; her mother passed away at the start of the year, and she asked my partner to stay away from the funeral because her current partner would feel uncomfortable. He respected this. Thing is, I don't usually have a problem either with people's exes or with ex's new partners, but there have been a few occasions when I've felt weirded out around her - or at least her behaviour online (we've never met in person). I keep in touch with a couple of ex partners who I've known for decades, but none of them would EVER hang around like this.

I'm wondering about the best way to tackle this; I'm not into ultimatums because they feel like control and are likely to be counter-productive. I believe him when he says that he views her as a friend and isn't physically attracted to her any more, and also that there has been plenty of opportunity if he'd ever wanted to rekindle the relationship. But he's fond of her and wouldn't be willing to drop the connection entirely, so in that respect she's part of the package if I remain in a relationship with him - and, to go back to the beginning... it feels weird, and "off", and I don't like it at all.

I remember for a while I was sending the emails to a totally wrong person! They were meant for my husband who has the same name as the other person! And yes, I've been tagged several times by others to events I so did not go to. When you're on your phone, it's easy to tag, and totally not realize whom you've just tagged, and sometimes the tag doesn't go through. I wouldn't sweat over this.

I remember for a while I was sending the emails to a totally wrong person! They were meant for my husband who has the same name as the other person! And yes, I've been tagged several times by others to events I so did not go to. When you're on your phone, it's easy to tag, and totally not realize whom you've just tagged, and sometimes the tag doesn't go through. I wouldn't sweat over this.

Could this be the case? Is your name similar to a name of someone else on her friends list?

I still don't like it, sorry to say.

Here's the thing about exes: I have no problem with exes who have clear boundaries, and where there is no ulterior motive.

My BF has 2 ex-wives. One is the mother of his kids, and the other one is this boundary-crossing one. The mother of his kids? Absolutely fine; I like her actually, and she and he have a good relationship, so when the kids are involved, it's a big happy family event. She has no designs on my BF, and she is actually my advocate as she likes me, and her kids like me, and I enjoy being around her.

It's all about boundaries.

I don't think he's lying - for one thing it would be foolish too in this situation. I'm glad tattoobunnie posted what she did as I wasn't familiar with being able to tag people who weren't there. I wouldn't do an ultimatum but I would share with your boyfriend that her tagging him makes you really uncomfortable. It should make him uncomfortable too.

I don't think he's lying - for one thing it would be foolish too in this situation. I'm glad tattoobunnie posted what she did as I wasn't familiar with being able to tag people who weren't there. I wouldn't do an ultimatum but I would share with your boyfriend that her tagging him makes you really uncomfortable. It should make him uncomfortable too.

I was thinking of how to approach it, and I like Batya's response. Letting him know that you're just uncomfortable with the tagging and the likes, and maybe asking him to discuss it with you.

IMO, a partner who loves you wouldn't want to see you uncomfortable, so he might have suggestions. I'd just let him know that the level of contact between you and her, and him and her, makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask him what he'd suggest? At the very least, he could hopefully talk you through it.

This isn't about insecurity, or jealousy, or any of the other fun words people like to throw around in these situations. This isn't about you. This is a situation where you are being constantly poked at by this person, as if she's constantly raising her hand saying "I'm here!!!" "Now I'm over here!!!" "Pay attention to meeeeeee!!!" You are well within your rights to feel uncomfortable about this, and your BF should be sensitive to this.

And yes, I've been tagged several times by others to events I so did not go to. When you're on your phone, it's easy to tag, and totally not realize whom you've just tagged, and sometimes the tag doesn't go through. I wouldn't sweat over this.

I don't know if she accesses FB via her phone, but it IS reassuring that it's easy to tag people accidentally!

I don't know if she accesses FB via her phone, but it IS reassuring that it's easy to tag people accidentally!

Eh, it's not that easy. When you try to tag someone from your phone, both their name AND their picture come up. And if she's on Facebook this much, she knows this.

This would bother me.

Ugh, I do it all the time! On the mobile app, if it's small, and I've got small fingers, I sometimes tag the wrong people myself. The pics are tiny too.

Ugh, I do it all the time! On the mobile app, if it's small, and I've got small fingers, I sometimes tag the wrong people myself. The pics are tiny too.

I very easily and mistakenly messaged my relative's ex husband who unbeknownst to me was still on my friends list. Luckily it was nothing of any consequence but it was embarrassing!

I personally don't understand that.

Okay, I had to try this out. I posted a pic on Facebook via my phone and did the tagging thing. Now when you tag it gives you the option to type out the name or tap on the person you are trying to tag via a friend list. It is very clear and not much chance for error, even if your fingers are small. You also have a chance to review it to make sure it's correct before you hit post. Her tagging your bf was in no way an accident.

Yeah, but you're looking at it with intention, and in a way, you are being careful about it. I have my hand up; I'm that moron that has tagged the wrong people, and have been tagged by others to things I SOOOO was not there for. I think once is an accident. If she does it more than once; there's a problem.

I guess, mind you this ex does seem a bit infatuated with Nutbrownhare's man. She seems weird to me. But it is true, you could give her and the situation the benefit of the doubt this time but if odd things keep happening then something ain't right.

It would also depend on the person she meant to tag. If the person who was really there has a name like Janice Brown, and nutbrownhare's real name is Janet Brace, then sure, I can see it. Fat fingers, small fingers, or not.

This is a person who uses Facebook religiously. Sorry, I'm not buying the accidental tag.

I don't think it's him, to be honest, and I guess I need to hold onto that. She IS weird, from what I can gather - reading between the lines, having problems with healthy boundaries has been a fairly constant theme. I haven't met her personally, but I've met some of her friends and they were absolutely barking.

Thing is, he's a very nice guy who doesn't spot ulterior motives in others and doesn't like to hurt people's feelings - which can, of course, translate into not setting boundaries.

I don't think it's him, to be honest, and I guess I need to hold onto that. She IS weird, from what I can gather - reading between the lines, having problems with healthy boundaries has been a fairly constant theme. I haven't met her personally, but I've met some of her friends and they were absolutely barking.

 

Thing is, he's a very nice guy who doesn't spot ulterior motives in others and doesn't like to hurt people's feelings - which can, of course, translate into not setting boundaries.

I don't know that that is "nice" on his part -it might be naive, it might be passivity (not wanting to make waves or confront so you put blinders on), but in a way he will hurt her more by staying in contact given her obvious lack of filter/boundaries.

lol, ok, it's Facebook. Not everything we read and see on there is true. The weird ex might have intentionally tagged him but that doesn't mean he was there. And it might've been unintentional, too - I've had a few "arguments" with FB and auto correct, having to retype what I want several times before it's accepted. Just recently I was trying to type "new house" but FB kept changing it to "whorehouse"...luckily, I was paying attention, since the message was going to a professional contact. If I'd been posting from my phone, or was in a hurry, I could've easily sent a message to an executive saying, "Hey, how's your whorehouse?"

Point is, we don't know whether she did it on purpose or not. We do know he wasn't there.

You could ask your BF to increase his privacy features. There is an option that will not allow anyone to tag you without your permission. That might stop the weird ex.