Neglected her... and she rebounds within 2 weeks

Hi all

 

Absolutely desperate for some advice now. To cut a long story short, I was in a relationship for 7 months with a girl who devoted herself to me entirely and after about four months in, she told me that she loved me. We worked together and she wholeheartedly dedicated herself to me; telling me how much she loved me and that she couldn't bare not spending time with me (at the start, we were in eachothers pockets because we would see eacohother at work and also after... for me, it was too intense but I went along with it)

 

She said I didn't have to say it back and as I was particularly unwell at the time (spine injury) I was quite a miserable sod and didn't. Eventually I did, about a month or so later but I'd started to distance myself from her (she didn't really have any friends) and I encouraged her to meet and reconnect with people.

 

Our was relationship was brilliant at first; great sex, great laughs and we were always doing something together. As I tried to distance myself more she became very clingy and pushy. I would almost disregard her feelings and sometimes, her sobs. She's younger than me (I'm 34 she's 19) and put it down to her being a very emotional character anyway (she is, but I was wrong, despite her age she was far more mature than I ever was in this relationship).

 

Before she went on holiday, we had a sit down talk. I broke up with her at work but two days later reconnected with her and we decided to sort things out once and for all. We decided our relationship was too intense working and seeing eachother after work and that she'd move to another branch after holiday.

 

Anyway fast forward to three weeks ago and she returned form holiday with her new friends. During that time, I barely contacted her and coupled with the fact I crapped my pants about committing myself to her (telling her I love her, show her affection etc) she broke up with me, over text, before she flew home. Her language was angry and I tried to play it down and tell her we'll talk or call it a day when she came back. Everything she said in those texts were correct though, but I didn't interpret that at the time... I wish I had.

 

Anyway, after about a week of avoiding eachother she told me she missed me and wanted to talk to me and see if we could work things out. I totally rejected the idea, annoyed still at the way she spoke to me and literally walked out after saying that. She questioned me as to why I wouldn't fight for her and I just said I had no fight left.

 

She waited a further two weeks before beginning to chat to someone who was interested in her. I didn't know this though and although I said I didn't want to talk and sort things out, I desperately wanted to but was still angry.

 

After work last Friday we had a goodbye drink for a colleague and little to my knowledge, I came face to face with her new love interest. She made it patently obvious to me about it and left with him. I didn't think much more of it until the drive home... I was jealous and absolutely furious (with myself).

 

I text her when I got home about a 'closure' chat. She agreed and I asked if she was busy this weekend. She said she was so I said I'd wait.

 

The truth is, I didn't want closure, I wanted her back! I was using that term to mask my true intentions and was confident that she'd agree to speak to me irrespective (big mistake).

 

The following day I text again and asked her if she wanted to talk as i got the impression she didn't. She said she did and had wanted to for ages. Still, she said she was too busy but might do so Sunday. Sunday came around and I text again. She said we'd talk but not Sunday. By this time, I was going out of my mind, just driving around hoping for some sort of sign that she wanted me back but kept it together and said ok.

 

I went and bought a card and wrote down everything she wanted from me but I'd been to scared to offer her commitment-wise - my unconditional love. I wrote everything down... memories, aspirations, apologies... I covered the lot. That'll nail it I thought in my arrogance.

 

Monday came around and I called her into my office and gave her the card. She read it and looked upset and said she didn't know whether she wanted to keep it. I gave her an invite to a wedding that we'd had and said is it possible to imagine us there together if we could work things out. She declined. I was stunned. I said I'd fight for her, she said don't bother, it's done.

 

I went into panic mode and for next four hours, she was in tears as I told her how much I'd loved her, needed her and was sorry for my neglect and lack of commitment. I asked if it was possible for us to take things slow and work things out and she said she can't and won't be in a relationship with me at this moment in time. She cried a lot - asking me why I didn't tell her sooner. I apologised over and over and pleaded for another chance to right my wrongs. She refused me that opportunity, saying she is too messed up in the head right now. I now understand why as I tormented the girl with my lack of commitment to her.

 

I turned to my dad - he'd previously told me I wasn't treating her right and I asked his opinion. He said there's no way that girl doesn't still love you and I needed to graft and prove it to her.

 

The last week has consisted of me leaving heartfelt notes in her desk of drawers and chasing her around work and trying to sort things out with her. She admitted that if I didn't use the word 'closure' in my text that Friday and said I'd wanted to sort things out she'd have met me and we'd have talked. Instead, she felt rejected (again) and ended up sleeping with the new guy. She said she would never have even talked to him if I'd just spoken to her over the past three weeks - but I didn't. She said she felt she betrayed me by sleeping with him and felt so confused as she would never have pursued this but felt lonely, rejected and empty. Worse still, she said the new guy calls her beautiful and he's done nothing to upset her whereas I had. I pleaded with her once again to let me prove to her I'd give her everything and she was sceptical. She'd thought I'd repeat the same mistakes and she didn't want to run that risk at this moment in time.

 

(For the record, I know who the new guy is - he's very loud, obnoxious... just not very nice - that's not me being bitter either).

 

It's been very hard this week and knowing that she was staying overnight at his after work every night was churning me up inside. I've barely slept or eaten and I've never been in this state before. For the first time in years, I'm truly broken-hearted. For the first time in years, I cried all evening last night.

 

Anyway despite all this we agreed to meet today and talk. Today was her last day at work (she's moved to another branch in my hometown - as planned). She was aggressive from the start and said she can't and won't be in a relationship with me right now as I'd hurt her too much (I didn't see this at the time, I just tried to cool things a bit as she wanted to see me all the time and that kind of commitment terrified me). She also said it wouldn't be fair on the new guy as well and said she we should both live our lives, heal, improve and said we'd talk again in the future and that maybe in a month, two months time depending on where we're both at we'll go out and start to see eachother again. I made it patently obvious that I was sincerely sorry and reaffirmed that I'd never take her for granted again - and my god I wouldn't. I've replayed a thousand scenarios over and over in my head and I was, although generally a decent boyfriend to her, didn't pay enough attention to her through my actions. I didn't mean too - I was scared of committing myself after a terrible relationship previously (previous girl didn't give me the love, affection or time I deserved... the irony).

 

I told her I didn't know how to approach this situation about reconnecting with her in he future. She said she's not far away and she would definitely consider meeting in a month or so if her head is in order (she's just 15 mins drive from me) and that she's not with the new guy.

 

She also said she was glad I'd learned from my mistakes and that whilst she was not over me, she was trying to get over me as she'd spent 2 weeks crying and waiting for me to get back together with her and that she was tired of waiting. Additionally, she said she felt totally dependent and couldn't bare to not be with me and she needed to get rid of that feeling (and the resentment) before we possibly revisit 'us' in the future.

 

She said no one can take away the memories we have and that I'll always be in her heart. She also cried and said she still loved me but if she got back with me now, all those feelings that I had created in her would return and she couldn't handle that.

 

I agreed I'd spend some time working on myself and improving 'me' and well touch base at some point in the near future.

 

We parted both in tears. After letting go of her hand, I felt terrible. She walked away, head down and I drove away, wiping away tears at the traffic lights wishing I could turn back time.

 

This girl devoted herself to me and the bottom line is, I messed it up. I couldn't give her the confirmation of my true feelings until it was too late (by hours) and I'm so upset I can't do anything to change that.

 

I've prayed, pleaded and begged and none of it has worked and knowing that I'm at fault for this situation, I'm devastated. I'd never been given that level of love and affection from anyone and I neglected her when she needed me most.

 

I got home, broken hearted. I spoke with my dad, and he thinks she'll be back due to her how she'll remember me and how much she loved me previously. I sincerely hope so... I just wanted people's thoughts on this.

 

Going on this rather lengthy post, is anyone else experiencing a similar situation to me and how did they handle it?

 

Is she in a rebound? I suspected it might be due to her reasoning (he tells me what you didn't/I was lonely/felt rejected) and he showed her some attention. He's 27 btw.

 

I love her so much and I'd like to get her back but I know I have to let her go, rebuild her trust and take it slowly. And, like she said, there's no guarantees about anything but there may be a chance for us in the future ... but I do still want to prove that I do truly love her - not that I deserve another chance but I'll repay her faith in me 100 times over if given the chance.

 

Any advice or opinions from anyone else would be greatly appreciated... what do I do now? What's the game plan?

 

I'll never take her or anyone else for granted again... lesson learned.

She waited a further two weeks before beginning to chat to someone who was interested in her. Although I said I didn't want to talk and sort things out, I desperately wanted to but was still angry.

This is just one instance of you not communicating and instead letting your ego rule you. There are many more in your opening post that I won't highlight but if you read back, you'll see where your ego rules you to your own detriment.

 

Leave her alone now. She certainly hasn't changed any in the short time she left you and jumped into something with the new guy so she will more likely then not, drive him away as the honeymoon period wanes and her clingy, insecure and immature nature makes it so he can't tolerateit either.

 

By then, I would hope that you would have gone zero contact and did the mental work you need to do to get over her so that you can find someone who is closer to you in maturity.

 

She was not and will not ever be a good match for you as you have two completely different attachment styles which means neither of you are able to give the other what they want.

 

You are not 100% at fault for the end of the relationship because that would have happened sooner or later... however you are 100% at fault for not communicating to her truthfully but rather allowing your own ego rule.

 

Learn from this, get doing what you have to do to get to the stage of indifference to her and then finding someone who is more on your own emotional level. Someone who has friends of her own and has a life outside of just you.

Why is it that you love about her character?

I couldnt get through all that mate sorry ...but what I did get through seems to have this theme ..you said no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no .the minute she said no , you said yes and are now in pieces .

 

There is no plan except you move forward . I don't think you want her as much as you think you do , it seems more a case of you have lost the adoration and attention .

Despite her age, she was he most mature girlfriend I've ever had.

 

She had to grow up fending for herself and she was a straight-talking, honest girl.

 

She also treated me so well; she was so kind and generous; not just materialistically, but emotionally too.

 

Oh, and she was one funny human being; full of life, love and laughs.

Haha if you want to simplify it, yes.

 

She was very attentive and loving and I'd just be so-so about certain things... she'd celebrate every anniversary of our relationships (1 month, 2 months etc) whereas I'd brush if off.

 

It's not that I didn't love her, I did. She was overwhelmingly loving to me and it spooked me big-time. Is it weird that I distanced myself when she turned up the intensity?

Despite her age, she was he most mature girlfriend I've ever had.

 

She had to grow up fending for herself and she was a straight-talking, honest girl.

 

She also treated me so well; she was so kind and generous; not just materialistically, but emotionally too.

 

Oh, and she was one funny human being; full of life, love and laughs.

 

But darling ...you only see this now she deosn't want you ....it is classic ....honest ...it will pass , if she was this and that and the other you would have embraced this from the start . She isn't the one for you , you are coming from your ego not your heart but because you are stuck in it you can't see this .

This girl is way too young for you. She may have been mature for her age (but it doesn't really sound like it, honestly) but she is still a teenager and years away from settling down. That alone would almost certainly have caused big rifts in the future.

 

I have to agree with the others: this is your ego talking now. You didn't really want her until she didn't want you anymore. That's not the foundation for anything long-lasting.

Why even break up with her in the first place??? You can't blame her for feeling the way she did. If I had a gf that was doing something I didn't like, I would work it out with her "to the death" because I'd want it to work.

This is just one instance of you not communicating and instead letting your ego rule you. There are many more in your opening post that I won't highlight but if you read back, you'll see where your ego rules you to your own detriment.

 

Leave her alone now. She certainly hasn't changed any in the short time she left you and jumped into something with the new guy so she will more likely then not, drive him away as the honeymoon period wanes and her clingy, insecure and immature nature makes it so he can't tolerateit either.

 

By then, I would hope that you would have gone zero contact and did the mental work you need to do to get over her so that you can find someone who is closer to you in maturity.

 

She was not and will not ever be a good match for you as you have two completely different attachment styles which means neither of you are able to give the other what they want.

 

You are not 100% at fault for the end of the relationship because that would have happened sooner or later... however you are 100% at fault for not communicating to her truthfully but rather allowing your own ego rule.

 

Learn from this, get doing what you have to do to get to the stage of indifference to her and then finding someone who is more on your own emotional level. Someone who has friends of her own and has a life outside of just you.

 

I totally get what you're saying and I agree with a lot of it. I had a huge problem articulating my feelings to her and I genuinely thought she'd always be there and that I'll deal with all the emotional stuff some other time. Unbelievably arrogant and selfish.

 

As I said above, she's led quite a hard life despite her age but she is far more mature than you'd think. The thing that surprised me about her though is how vulnerable a person she was despite her tough and extrovert exterior.

 

As for connecting with her on an emotional level, we never had a problem when spending time together and before we began the relationship, we talked about us being at different stages of our lives and the challenges we might encounter.

 

I would actively encourage her to go out, socialise, live life and I'd still be there when she got home. She did, got in contact with an old friend and began to socialise more which helped as I was seeing a lot of her.

 

And now I miss her.

Oh I did embrace it I can assure you. Until I injured my neck, we would spend almost every waking hour together... and I enjoyed it but it was becoming quite intense and quite honestly, I didn't have her commitment levels of doing that despite how well we got on.

 

I personally think it was good for her to socialise and live a bit more of a life a woman at her age should be living.

I personally think it was good for her to socialise and live a bit more of a life a woman at her age should be living.

 

yep ...^^^ my daughter is 19 next birthday , I know it happens , but I can see the age difference as huge . Maybe biased

No, I cannot blame her - I distanced myself, with some reasoning on my part but I never told her why until it was too late. I take total responsibility for that. It hurts.

 

I broke up with her first before her holiday but it was totally impulsive and at work. She cried and I felt terrible about it but she was pushing my patience hard (I would pick her up from hers and she'd never be ready - I'm a manager so it's my responsibility to lead and be on time and she didn't seem to ever fathom that). It was a quick row and I said it but reconciled with her a couple of days later, agreeing that we can't work together and that she'd move to a branch in my hometown.

No, I cannot blame her - I distanced myself, with some reasoning on my part but I never told her why until it was too late. I take total responsibility for that. It hurts.

 

I broke up with her first before her holiday but it was totally impulsive and at work. She cried and I felt terrible about it but she was pushing my patience hard (I would pick her up from hers and she'd never be ready - I'm a manager so it's my responsibility to lead and be on time and she didn't seem to ever fathom that). It was a quick row and I said it but reconciled with her a couple of days later, agreeing that we can't work together and that she'd move to a branch in my hometown.

 

I just think the lassie has had one god almighty crush on you mate and she would have gotten more intense and to you ..more annoying ..this is a blessing I assure you

It was huge and we never even intended on getting into a relationship. I'd pursued her for a couple of months as we'd flirt at work and we just spent more and more time together and it just ... happened.

 

I can assure you, it never weirded both of us out about the age but I took the lead and told her that we are at different stages of our life and that we'd need to manage the relationship correctly to ensure we're both fulfilled and she didn't miss out on anything whilst 'growing up'.

 

After that talk, we never even mentioned age again. We just flowed seamlessly until I started getting the jitters.

completely off topic but your name is making me chuckle ( mind you I am stoned ) I keep seeing this sausage all dressed up in its best bib and tucker , out in a wine bar with his sausagy friends this is when I need to stop talking

She said she'd spend all day thinking and wanting to be with me and when I couldn't do that, she was devastated.

 

She booked holidays for us and want to be with me after work, every day. For me, too intense and instead of telling her that, I ran away from her and distanced myself.

 

From seeing her all day at Work for 5 days a week, spending 3 nights at mine during the week and then all weekend together she was lucky to see me 2-3 times a week, sometimes only staying over in the week.

 

Truth is, I wish I gave her more.

completely off topic but your name is making me chuckle ( mind you I am stoned ) I keep seeing this sausage all dressed up in its best bib and tucker , out in a wine bar with his sausagy friends this is when I need to stop talking

 

I'm glad I can amuse someone these days as I don't seem to be able to make her laugh anymore

 

For what it's worth, what do you think I should do if I want to see her again and possibly revisit 'us' in the future?

 

Btw, thanks to you and everyone for their words. I know I've not been the nicest boyfriend to her by distancing myself due to my commitment issues but I can honestly say, I did and do love her.

And now I miss her.

Well, yes that's to be expected when someone that has been in our lives is no longer there. The 'missing' will wane as time goes on and you accept that the timing of your relationship was off. You were not ready to give her the amount of attention she demanded. That reeks of incompatibility and believe me, in time, should you get back together you will not like it once again when her attachment becomes too much for you to bear.

 

Zero contact and time is what will get you through this. No regrets... you broke up because she is not the girl (and I do mean 'girl') for you. You can't see that now because your ego is bruised and you've yet to forgive yourself for your misplaced regret for not feeding HER ego the way she needs it fed (which IMO is waaaaaay over the top).

But darling ...you only see this now she deosn't want you ....it is classic ....honest ...it will pass , if she was this and that and the other you would have embraced this from the start . She isn't the one for you , you are coming from your ego not your heart but because you are stuck in it you can't see this .

 

I totally agree.

 

She was toooooooo young, and you were incompatible. Too many problems, and you were always pushing her away.

completely off topic but your name is making me chuckle ( mind you I am stoned ) I keep seeing this sausage all dressed up in its best bib and tucker , out in a wine bar with his sausagy friends this is when I need to stop talking

 

 

Put down the weed. Put down the weed.

I totally agree.

 

She was toooooooo young, and you were incompatible. Too many problems, and you were always pushing her away.

Don't hang onto guilt for pushing her away, Sausage. She was way over the top in her need for attention and I think most guys who are not into being a chicks sole means of interest would stick around for that.

Put down the weed. Put down the weed.

 

oh darling , you know me better then that

sausage if you was privvy to that age groups conversations and thoughts on things like I am ., you would see the age difference and you would see how connecting back up again would be a road into disaster ...

 

disclaimer ..I don't have a problem with age gaps , just sometimes you know when it isn't right .

She sounds needy as hell. UGH!