was I assaulted?

Hi everyone.

I was hoping for some opinions on my current situation. A few months back i went out on a night out for a colleagues leaving do and got drunk. I had liked him for a while.

I am the sort of person who doesn't believe in one night stands but I felt I knew this man for over a year to let my hair down . So in the end I decided to go back to his flat.

We were drunk but I was aware of what was happening and he was acting strange. He seemed angry, not talking at all distant and not interested in enjoying the moment. I tried to make him happy but he became more physically bizarre. He just didn't seemed interested in my pleasure and I was trying so hard to do the opposite to him. He kept on jumping up and having a smoke in his kitchen and if he came back he was throwing me about like a rag doll.. I remember smiling at him and he scowled in what looked like disgust which confused me even more.

We tried to get intimate and he threw his arm around my neck and kept on pulling me back hard which was quite distressing I managed to pull away thinking he was just trying to make it into rough sex but when we tried something else and I was making what you perceive as pleasure noises he was aggressively saying to 'shut the f*&k up'.

I didn't enjoy it at all and I was pleased he passed out. I was in a state of shock as I felt what should have been an enjoyable bit of sex turned into something confusing and quite disturbing. I slept in his bed but I quickly put on my clothes. I managed to get out of his place and get myself safely home after dawn. Although he didnt even acknowledge me leaving or ask if I got home okay.

But i spend the next few days locked up in my bedroom and cried bucket loads as I felt dirty and rough. I felt violated although I tried to fob it off as a bad one night stand and tried to joke with those who knew of the situation of watching us go home together.

Something has stuck with me and only when I have started counselling have I come to conclusion that I found this very traumatic.

I don't trust men at all and I don't feel safe around my other male colleagues. I trusted and looked out for him as a colleague and my supervisor. I only took the step to get intimate with him when he had left my work place. I have nightmares about being raped and if I think deeply about that night I cannot breathe.

I heard he had spoken to one of my colleagues and under some persuasion he confessed that a conversation between them had occurred. Before the night out he had admitted and asked this friend of ours to come along on that night and share me like a piece of meat. Thankfully this friend of ours had common sense and he even confessed to me that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

The fact I feel so traumatised by all of this tell me something isn't right. I feel I have been sexual assaulted but because I consented I am so confused. I am self harming because of this and I am back on medication for my anxiety .

I don't know if this was right or wrong. I should have ran out the door as soon as it happened but I think I froze and have been bottling up the event for months.

Can someone please give me the opinion? Thank you.

In my opinion, I don't particularly think you were assaulted. You consented the entire time, it just didn't go as you pleased. He was weird and the sex wasn't good but that doesn't qualify as assault (unless I'm missing something).

You shouldn't just jump in bed with coworkers, especially your supervisor. He may have been weird because of breaking all sorts of HR rules.

I don't think that this qualifies as assault (at least legally) because you consented and it doesn't seem to me that you were forced to do it. However it's just my opinion and I might be wrong. Now, does it take away or invalidate that this was a traumatic experience and that this guy is awful and extremely disrespectful? No. You have all the reasons to feel like that and I think that therapy is necessary to get you past all this trauma, your general distrust and "fear" of men and all the anxiety.

What also concerns me is if there can be consequences in your work life because of this. That's why it's always a bad idea to get involved with co-workers (or even ex co-workers like him in this situation ). Try to keep as much distance from him as you can.

I hope you feel better in time. Keep strong.

Thanks for your replies.

This happened on this man's leaving do at my work place. He was an ex employee at that stage and yes I consented to it. But he did enough dragging on my neck to leave a mark. He disrespected me completely and that for me is something that's very obvious. I just feel like I have been assaulted and not acting enjoyed the act of being with a man.

Also I have no intention of pursuing this as a criminal activity. I am just so confused as to why someone so calm.and mature and caring at work and gained my trust turned on me in one night. I had the respect for him to wait until he was an ex employee before taking it further. He seemed brutal, rough, completely put of character and it's knocked me sideways.

It doesnt sound like you were raped as you consented. It does sound like a terrible encounter with a person who had no regard for you. If you cant get past this on your own please get some counselling. You should not live in fear of men.

Also I have no intention of pursuing this as a criminal activity. I am just so confused as to why someone so calm.and mature and caring at work and gained my trust turned on me in one night. I had the respect for him to wait until he was an ex employee before taking it further. He seemed brutal, rough, completely put of character and it's knocked me sideways.

You said you were both drunk, that is probably why he turned into such a creep. Alcohol does that to some people.

You were definitely assaulted, but not legally. You never told him to stop and you went along with it by making pleasure noises. Now you're suffering from PTSD.

I think he has a problem with women. Even drunk there's no way anyone should have acted that way. But now you're paying the price. You don't trust men (let me assure you we're not all like this), and sex turns you off. All you can do is stay on your path Take your medication. Keep getting counseled. Join a women's assault therapy group. It's going to take time to heal.

But you were assaulted. And your symptoms are real. And it wasn't your fault. And you need to keep working on coping with the fallout.