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Can't let go of my husband's past and thinking of breaking up. Am I crazy?


Lavatera

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Hello,

I married my husband 1.5 years ago.

I have two sons from my previous marriage. Both sons have good relationship with my new husband.

I was married for 12 years before. Divorced due to my ex-husband infidelity.

 

This marriage works well. My husband loves me and I love him but...I can't let go of my husband's past.

He was married for 16 years.

I recently learned that he cheated on his ex-wife for 5 years, with two prostitutes (used just 2 of them). He says that was due to severe lack of sex at home.

 

He says I am a different story etc etc etc.

I don't know why but...I am hurt.

The thoughts of his past behavior drive me crazy.

I am at the point where I think we should split up.

But I love him and he is so good to me.

 

Can someone share their thoughts on my situation?

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You can't compare him to the ex. It's not fair to him. Husband is being honest with you about his past. It was wrong what he did but that's still in the past.

 

good luck.

 

I don't know. I don't think it's as simple as baggage from the ex. I'd be pretty disturbed myself if I found out that the person I'm with or married to will turn to prostitutes when things get rough. That's kind of a whole other ball game type situation. It's hard to tell what you'd actually do when confronted with that situation, but sitting where I am right now, I'd probably be thinking the same - divorce.

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How did you find out about this?

 

From him.

I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes. Then I asked for details and learned that.

He says that our story is different.

That his ex denied him and didn't want to listen when he told he about his dissatisfaction with lack of sex.

And that they had not emotional or any other bonds (except for their shared business) and that he didn't have any emotional barriers for that.

And that now it's different etc etc etc.

 

Their marriage ended by him simply walking out of everything going nowhere.

 

We met 6 months after that.

 

But I am so obsessed with these thoughts now.

 

On the other hand, I have two kids. Who just went through the divorce.

Now we have a family and I am not even sure how I will explain the situation to the kids and how they will handle it (they are two boys, aged 11 and 14).

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You can't compare him to the ex. It's not fair to him. Husband is being honest with you about his past. It was wrong what he did but that's still in the past.

 

good luck.

 

I agree. But my husband says he did nothing wrong because he was very offended by his ex-wife and she constantly rejected him as a partner.

And he needed sex.

 

I just really don't know.

I am 45.

I really don't want any more relationships if I break this one up.

 

I can't my kids to see any boyfriends/husbands and I think it will be time for celibacy.

 

But the thought also scares me.

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I don't know. I don't think it's as simple as baggage from the ex. I'd be pretty disturbed myself if I found out that the person I'm with or married to will turn to prostitutes when things get rough. That's kind of a whole other ball game type situation. It's hard to tell what you'd actually do when confronted with that situation, but sitting where I am right now, I'd probably be thinking the same - divorce.

 

When times get tough. You either work on relationship or you don't. This relationship is new and he wasn't ready for a relationship after 6 months.

 

Since neither of them did anything wrong within the relationship. This would be irreconcilable differences divorce.

 

Next time OP. Really get to know somebody if you plan on getting married again.

 

Good luck.

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I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes.

If past infidelity was a dealbreaker, you should have asked this question BEFORE you got married.

 

This is a different relationship, and you are a different couple.

 

Did he do a bad thing? Yes. Will he do it again? Who knows? Maybe he learned a lesson from it. Now, me, personally, if I was so desperate for sex that I was going to stray, and no amount of communicating that would help, I'd probably leave before cheating. Some people don't take that path, and I wouldn't judge them too harshly for it. Have you ever been in a situation where your partner was witholding sex for a long time? I haven't, but I can imagine it ain't a picnic. The prostitute thing adds an "ick" factor, but infidelitiy is infidelity as far as I'm concerned.

 

But, unless you plan on divorcing him, I'd find some way to get over this (and leave your kids out of it). You don't want him to learn the lesson that you can't handle the truth. See a counselor.

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Not quite sure of meaning here, Lavatera.

 

"I can't my kids to see any boyfriends/husbands and I think it will be time for celibacy.

 

But the thought also scares me."

 

Your kids are already seeing a husband, your present one.

 

A hard decision ahead, Lavatera. But no need to catastrophise about having to become celibate. Perhaps the thought of being alone again is scary. Sure. But if you are unable to deal with your husband's recent revelations then what road is open to you?

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This relationship is new and he wasn't ready for a relationship after 6 months.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Why you think he wasn't ready?

 

Not to be on a defensive side but the guy treats me really well. I have nothing bad to say about him. He cares about me, my children, our home, etc.

It's just what he did in the past is beyond me. And I can't get over it. It is so against my values.

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Lavatera.

 

No one is ready for anything only six months out of a divorce. Or maybe even a year, or two years, out of a divorce.

 

However you say he is a caring man, and he treats you well.

 

But, you say

I can't get over it. It is so against my values.

 

So, what will you do?

 

You are only 45 Lavatera. There is no reason why you should not have a new relationship (assuming this one ends).

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But if you are unable to deal with your husband's recent revelations then what road is open to you?

well, that's it. Exactly.

I don't know.

I guess I want opinions whether it's worthwhile to try some sort of therapy in my case to help me let it go.

Or why bother (?)

 

I do love him. And he loves me. I know that but...

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It couldn't hurt.

 

Thank you, Unreasonable.

I am just afraid that I am not ready to end the relationship.

My husband when I was talking about my concerns about his past, said it would have been rather strange to end our relationship of a hypothetical fear of his possible potential unfaithfulness.

He keeps insisting that these two relationships are day and night.

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Thanks.

Why you think he wasn't ready?

 

Not to be on a defensive side but the guy treats me really well. I have nothing bad to say about him. He cares about me, my children, our home, etc.

It's just what he did in the past is beyond me. And I can't get over it. It is so against my values.

 

6 months is not enough time to get over the emotions of being in a relationship. If I was a women and knew my partner had issues of infidelity. I would have my partner sign legal contract. That if he displays infidelity. I would receive 100% compensation from his assists.

It's protecting yourself and also warning not to mess with your heart.

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Also, nobody here knows this man. We only know what you have told us, which is not much. So, take blanket generalizations with a grain of salt.

True.

As I said, he is a great guy otherwise.

We had a very romantic beginning.

When we met, we lived in different cities (we met in a bakery in his city and were flying to each other twice a month for 2 years and then we both moved to a third city (unknown to both of us) to start fresh and from scratch.

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If past infidelity was a dealbreaker, you should have asked this question BEFORE you got married.

 

Did he do a bad thing? Yes. Will he do it again? Who knows? Maybe he learned a lesson from it. Now, me, personally, if I was so desperate for sex that I was going to stray, and no amount of communicating that would help, I'd probably leave before cheating. Some people don't take that path, and I wouldn't judge them too harshly for it. Have you ever been in a situation where your partner was witholding sex for a long time? I haven't, but I can imagine it ain't a picnic. The prostitute thing adds an "ick" factor, but infidelitiy is infidelity as far as I'm concerned.

 

But, unless you plan on divorcing him, I'd find some way to get over this (and leave your kids out of it). You don't want him to learn the lesson that you can't handle the truth. See a counselor.

Kids are staying out of it 100%. I just meant that they can't stay out if we break up.

 

I see your point exactly. I would have left first, too. But he said they had successful business together and it wasn't easy just walk away from it. Eventually, however, he said the critical mass of life being unbearable made it possible to simply walk away from everything. But, he says, every decision needs to mature and took his 5 years. And that's why he didn't walk away earlier. But he solved his sex problems the way he did.

He says he is a different person now.

 

I see your point about a past infidelity being a deal-breaker. You are right. I didn't do it though and can't now re-do it.

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I think k these are the type of questions you ask before you commit to someone.

 

You are 100% right but I didn't, unfortunately and the question is what to do with this knowledge now.

 

Just a thought...Maybe my obsession will go away as time passes. I have just learned all of that recently.

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You say your kids "just" went through a divorce.

 

How long did you date your current husband before marrying him?

"Just" perhaps wasn't an appropriate word here.

I dated him for 2 years.

Started dating him 1 year after my divorce (he was, as I said, 6 months).

So it's been 4.5 years after divorce (1 year by myself, 2 years of dating and 1.5 year married. Btw, we didn't live together when we were dating).

I introduced him to my kids after about 12 months of dating.

 

Btw, when I divorced my ex, I said to myself that I won't date, re-marry etc until my kids grow up. But didn't keep my own word.

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